What Different Is Meaning....

It's 8:30 at night and I am sitting with a cup of coffee *decaf* and unraveling my thoughts.

 I rarely drink a cup at night, but coffee is one of my coping mechanisms. I drink it to calm down when I am stressed out, I drink it to wake up in the mornings, I drink it when I'm sad to cheer me up, I love to sit over coffee with my best friends. I enjoy having a cup alone to collect myself. Coffee is often times a need for me, as much as it is a want.  

 This post may not make it up until the morning, when I will no doubt be sitting over coffee once again. It's not a stretch when you walk into my little cubicle space and find a little wall -hanging made for me that says "Coffee is my Love Language". I do love my coffee.  

  Tonight, I chose the cup of coffee and my writing instead of folding laundry and doing dishes. I don't often "ignore" life's duties for those things, but occasionally, it's a must. Tonight,  the coffee and writing time was a must. Because writing helps me process.

  January is nearly come and gone, and at the beginning of this month *year*, I chose the word different to be my one word for the year. I find myself pondering this often, and what it means, but recently, I have found myself nearly lost in the old insecurities I've been overcoming, and needing to sit and remember what it is that makes me different and what it is that I want to do with that word.

 I have struggled and battled insecurities for years. I hate it; that downfall drives me absolutely nuts.  Tonight, I found myself having a long cry. After my long cry, I said to myself "It's ok....I'm ok.....I'm different..... and I need to remember and embrace that." 

 I told you when I introduced this word that there would be definite times of living out the word with difficulty. I think I have found that to be the case in the last week. Those old insecurities I so often used to listen to were trying hard to creep in to ruin my different  and making a difference. 

 Tonight, salty tears dried on my face, and a calm smile replacing the doubts that have tried to swallow me, I tell you why I am different. Why my different makes me Beautiful. Things only God could whisper to my heart, but not until I cried it out and let Him tell me. 

 - I'm a people person. I love to listen, talk, share, be real and vulnerable, and care. I literally empathize with those around me. I put my heart on my sleeve. He uses this. It might hurt me sometimes but guess what? this makes me different and different is beautiful 

    - I like to dress up. I don't have to. But I enjoy being dressy. However, I also like to wear yoga pants or jeans.  It's what makes me me. I don't have a specific style. I just enjoy different. I'm not up on the latest trends, but I don't have to be. I wear what I want because it feels right for the day. Thankfully for me, I have a job that allows me to express myself that way day to day.

       - I love and need coffee. I think the above paragraphs stated that well enough. :) 

  - I run for the pure love of it. 

   - I battle anxiety. Every day. It's part of me. Some days the battle absolutely exhausts me. Some days my throat hurts from holding tears and emotion inside because of the pressing anxiety. Other days it feels more conquerable. To explain it to others is incredibly difficult, although I should try harder. It's ok .... It's me. God uses it to share with those around me who would never expect that to be the case with me and He uses it to teach me to rely on Him every single day. It makes me beautiful. I once tried to deny it, shed it, fight it, hide it. But now I embrace it, accept it, share it. Our battles are not meant to be fought alone. We have a story for a reason. 

        - I love event planning. From birthday parties to goodbye parties to group outings and women's events to marathons and 5Ks. Event planning is found in many realms, but I love it. I so happen get to combine my passions of running and event planning as a career, which makes me different from many others. I get to do a job I love.

   - I am a goal setter and a dreamer. I have many ambitions and silly dreams and sometimes downright crazy goals. Those things can often be used in great ways. Sometimes, I have to be called back to reality and told to slow down, but more often than not, those goals and dreams become seeds of opportunity waiting to flourish. When they falter, they are lessons to teach me about God, about myself, about others. Being a goal setter and a dreamer is a beautiful part of me. 

      It's not what I do or don't do or what others say that make me me. Although there are moments I need a good kick in the pants to remind me that. It's about who and what God says I am. That is what makes me me. That is what makes me different. And that different can make a difference when I let it. I may not see the differences being made, but it's not always what I can see. It's simply about being used.

  This post isn't all about Yay me, look at me, this is me! Although it might sound that way. This post is about the many important lessons I am learning. And perhaps you can walk away and look for what makes you different. The every day pieces of you that might seem normal or mundane or like a simple existence are quite honestly, holding the potential to make a difference around you, if you allow it. God uses everyone and anyone with the willing heart who wants to let their different be used to make a difference. I may never know on this side of earth what that looks like....but I don't have to know. I just have to be me. 

  Psalm 139:14, 17-18 " I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. How precious  are your thoughts about me, God! How vast is the sum of them. Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand."