One Decade Later

 The day was March 20, 2011. Ten years ago. One whole decade. The day I said goodbye to my mom on this earth forever. 

 This blog began as an outlet for me in the journey of grief when I did not have many around me to share the grief with because so few had experienced losing their mom or even someone close to them.  I was able to share my stories, my memories, my tears, my hurts, my fears and the process of what walking through grief meant after losing my mom. At times it has been very difficult to put into words the emotions along this journey, but sharing it, regardless of who was reading, helped me to process and continue moving forward in life, while holding on to the memory of my mom and keeping her alive in my heart. 

 In ten years so much life has happened that I wish I could have shared with her- both sad events and joyous ones; milestones as a parent; heartbreak as a wife; sadness as a little girl that I will always be to my mom; happiness in reaching milestones as a woman. Even though my mom has not physically been here, I carry her with me in each moment, and that will never change. The lessons mom taught me in life and, oddly enough, the lessons her life has taught me through her passing away, have propelled me forward many times when I could have easily, and at times wanted to, give up. But my mom was a fighter in the most positive way and when I think over these ten years, because of the spirit she had in her short time here, I also have continued to fight through the journey of life and reach for the positivity in each moment to the best of my ability. 

In ten years I have watched my kids grow up, my daughter graduate and go off to college and my son get his license. I have suffered through heartbreak and divorce without the woman I most admired by my side, which at times was so lonely and I wish she could have been there just to sit with me. I have celebrated victories over promotions and leadership skills gained I never would have imagined as a little girl. In mom's memory we have raised over $20,000 in scholarship funds for students studying to be oncology nurses. I have begun my journey towards my bachelor's degree and pursuing my passion of doing work with Latin American countries. I have opened a non-profit to benefit women in Colombia. 

 I do not sit here and share that to toot my own horn. I simply am reminiscing that so much life has happened in the midst of mom being gone. It is the reality that when one passes away, while life takes a huge shift, it continues going on. These are moments I wish every second she could have been here with me for them. And yet her memory stays alive every day, and I think about her legacy and so, while she isn't here, her words and her mom-like ways comfort me still. No one ever imagines losing someone close to them, be it a parent, a spouse, a child or a sibling. Somehow we all live with this hope of never having to say goodbye on this earth to those beloved people. Yet somehow, at some point, we all face it. Even in the last year as I have watched two friends have to say goodbye to their spouse, I have remembered what I've learned through the process of grief and ten years later, I continue to learn.

They say when someone close to us dies, the grief never goes away, it just reshapes itself. I find that to be true. I often will laugh about a memory of mom or recount stories of her life to close friends, but when hard times hit me, the first person I wish I could call is my mom, and that grief seems to never leave. Grief is a very strange emotion, going in stages and at times repeating those stages. I think about my mom every day still, but I am incredibly grateful for all the wonderful moments I did have with her during her 62 years. We laughed so hard we cried, we played games into the midnight hours, we read stories, we sang songs, we acted ridiculous at times, but we had so much fun. At times I believe that when I lost my mom, I lost a piece of myself. I lost a slight ability to laugh the same way and be silly no matter who was watching and embrace every moment of life, such as she did. 

 But ten years later, I am relearning to do that. And while I wish I had my mom by my side, I believe she is with me still. As I reflect on losing mom and missing her, and taking time to remember that, at the very same time I focus on the word I chose for my year of 2021, FORWARD. And as I realize how much has gone on in one whole decade, I know how important it is to keep going forward, which is exactly what mom would want. In ten years, I've made many mistakes and I have learned from life's pain. But today I sit in a foreign country, hosting a workshop with women in poverty and abusive situations, following my passion in life of helping women in Spanish speaking countries find sustainability. It is a little strange to not go visit the cemetary or do my traditional things of remembering mom on this day, but I think she would also really love that I am following my dreams and that would be a celebration for her and thus I see it as a celebration of her. A tribute to all that she taught me through the years.  

I also find this an appropriate time to bring this particular blog site to a close. Life has changed dramatically in ten years. I have lived, loved, laughed, cried, hurt, experienced, learned and grown in enormous ways. Perhaps I will find another blog site for what the next decade of life will bring where I can share life lessons. Thank you all for journeying through this with me. It is  time to close this particular chapter and keep going forward.

Ten years ago I said good bye to my mom. The last moments with her still feel like yesterday in some ways and I can recall every detail of those moments. I miss her every day. But in ten years I have learned a multitude of lessons and carried her with me through them. And as I sit in Colombia today, I will carry her in my heart as I hope to help other women as much as she helped me, thus in an indirect way, carrying on her legacy.  And I will keep pressing forward.... one day at a time. 

I love you, mom.