I was once told that my blog would possibly be more effective or more read if I chose a topic or followed a theme with it.
I attempted that at one point. I've moved from talking about grief to discussing running and sharing about spiritual growth. I generalized my blog as a platform to write about faith, fitness, family and friendships. Mostly I hold to that, though it kind of gets a little scattered, and I know it.
But... I'm not writing on this platform to be a professional author (yet ;) ) nor do I write here to have a large following. It is nice to know when a person reads the blog, of course. However, I write for the purposes of processing my own thoughts many times. Yes, I could do that on my own in a journal and I still do for the more deep moments. But I hope that somehow for the few who may read this, that my blogs either 1. Help prompt the thoughts a little, help people grow or think about life al little deeper. or 2. At the very least gain a little insight to me. Those who read this likely know me in some way, shape or form, and shy of writing emails or letters to everyone, well, this is a way to share a little of life.
I have in the last year grown in an enormous way. I took 2019 to be a little more internal with my thoughts, more purposeful, if you will. I learned very much. Now, moving into 2020, I feel that growth propelling me forward in new ways, which can at times prompt new growth and new lessons in life. I'll find myself blogging about those more through this year, I am certain. Perhaps the lessons I drank in during the last year are going to come pouring out through these pages this year. Time will tell. Today I want to share about the word I've chosen for 2020. It's 2 words, actually.
LIVE ABUNDANTLY
I'd like to give a little background on this choice. In 2019 I used the word purpose and through the year often found myself turning in to that word, thinking about why a situation was happening, what my purpose was in the moment or how to keep pushing towards my created purpose in this life of being a wife, mom, employee, and child of God. Through it I learned so much, but I will say that it came at times with struggles to push through difficult moments. Standing up for what I felt was right; enduring rejection at times; pushing through emotions; learning more about who I was created to be in the pursuit of fulfilling purpose. It was a journey and one on which I continue.
But I admit, there were days I struggled to enjoy that journey. And so as 2019 came to a close and I began thinking about 2020, I could not get away from a verse that kept coming to my mind.
John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."
I want to live abundantly. I want to be joyful in all that I do. I want to enjoy life to the fullest, because that is what HE wants for me. I want to, even when it gets hard, find ways to be positive and live life abundantly. live out experiences. Laugh more. Deepen the relationships that matter. Forgive. Repair broken pieces. And continue living out my purpose- fully! Living life abundantly.
Let me be honest with you about this- I struggle to do this well. I am super good at supporting others and helping them see the silver lining or just being present with them. I am good at being patient and helping diffuse situations with peaceful and calm words (usually). However, I struggle inside with anxiety. Anxiety is an invisible sickness that consumes the body at times. My heart beats fast, deep breaths become necessary and my throat tightens up. Anxiety is real. It is hard to explain to others. I've been told that as a believer I shouldn't feel that, i should just pray and it'll go away. I've been told that anxiety isn't a thing. I've been told to get over it and many other things. I've been told that I should count my blessings because I have many of them. This I know- 100%.
I don't choose anxiety. I do everything I can to fight it. It is invisible. And it often is one of the "thieves" that comes to steal and destroy the joy that I should have. Paul talks in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 about a weakness he desperately asked to be taken away, but in the process learned the grace of God to be sufficient and to be his strength. That is me with anxiety. But in spite of having that invisible battle within, He wants me to live abundantly. Because He is my strength.
So that is what I am working towards doing. That is my word for 2020. And that is what I share today. I will continue to share the difficulties through these pages because those are the lessons in life that teach us. However, I hope to also share the amazing moments that come from living life abundantly, one day at a time.
Sunday, January 26, 2020
Monday, January 20, 2020
Puddles and Ice and Finish Lines
Saturday morning I woke up early to do my "long" run for the week. I say long in "" because I'm not at a great distance as of yet; I'm working to rebuild to get there. However, in lieu of not having trained for some time, it was a long run.
I had been watching the weather the day before, as it finally turned winter here in Ohio. I do not enjoy the cold, so I was rather savoring the 40 and 50 degree runs I was getting in during January. When I woke up and prepared to head out, I layered up because as of 6:30 am Saturday, it was raining and a little windy. There was a thin layer of ice hanging ever so beautifully on the trees and glossing the grass. I tested out the streets and decided that they were only wet, and not slick, so it was ok to head out.
I began my run...
These are the moments I both love and hate about training. I dislike the cold and wet combination in the winter. I dislike the dark morning in the midst of January. However, I enjoy the peace of others not being out. I also enjoy that the training process is really what shapes me. I love what I learn through the months of working hard at the miles, ever so slowly. I enjoy the thoughts flowing freely.
Through the run, I dodged puddles and had to walk in spots which did prove to be slick. I became soaked (and decided I really ought to invest in something waterproof when I run in these cold rains). But all the while, I felt good about getting out into the morning to do my run. I know that I will never be that person winning age group awards, but through my running, I do feel like I am winning at life. I am growing in the person I want and need to be.
As I ran Saturday morning, I found myself comparing the run to life. This is why I always say the training journey, for me, is more valuable the the race itself, because of what I learn about me along the way. I tried hard to dodge the puddles, but inevitably found one which soaked my feet, much to my chagrin in the cold wind.
Isn't life like that? We work hard to keep on the right path, doing our best to dodge the "puddles"- aka the rough spots, the hard times, the "oh crap" moments. Yet, no matter how hard we try to do that, sometimes it cannot be avoided. We just have to walk (or run) through them. We have to get both feet wet in order to keep moving forward. We can't push through the day until we've walked through the puddle.
After I made my way through that puddle, a mile later, I found a very slick spot. It was icy and I could spot it before I got to it, but I could not avoid it. Therefore, I had to slow down and walk. Life also calls for that at times.
We gain momentum, we feel good, and then comes an icy patch.... forcing a slow down. This may mean re-evaluating a path we are on. It could mean looking intently at those who surround us and whether they are going to help us cross that icy path or do we need to let go and do it on our own? Call my evaluation a stretch if you will, but for me, it's a very real lesson in life. Seeing it in the light ahead of me was a helpful "heads-up" of what was to come, but I could not avoid it, simply prepare for it and slow down. Better to see it than to be caught off guard and fall on my face.
Finally passing that patch, I was able to finish out my run well, albeit wet and cold. But I finished well, and isn't that what really counts?
Jesus never promised an easy life here, he in fact said there would be troubles (puddles and icy patches). But what counts is how we push through those, what we learn in the midst of them and how we finish the race. I want to finish well, don't you? I want Him to be where my eyes are fixed. I may get wet feet and slick patches along the way, and I'm sure I will fall more than once, but ultimately in the end, the shoes will dry and the ice will melt and there will be a lesson learned through it all, and He will have been there the whole time.
Hebrews 12:1-2 "Do you see what this means- all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? i means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running- and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race were in. ...."
I had been watching the weather the day before, as it finally turned winter here in Ohio. I do not enjoy the cold, so I was rather savoring the 40 and 50 degree runs I was getting in during January. When I woke up and prepared to head out, I layered up because as of 6:30 am Saturday, it was raining and a little windy. There was a thin layer of ice hanging ever so beautifully on the trees and glossing the grass. I tested out the streets and decided that they were only wet, and not slick, so it was ok to head out.
I began my run...
These are the moments I both love and hate about training. I dislike the cold and wet combination in the winter. I dislike the dark morning in the midst of January. However, I enjoy the peace of others not being out. I also enjoy that the training process is really what shapes me. I love what I learn through the months of working hard at the miles, ever so slowly. I enjoy the thoughts flowing freely.
Through the run, I dodged puddles and had to walk in spots which did prove to be slick. I became soaked (and decided I really ought to invest in something waterproof when I run in these cold rains). But all the while, I felt good about getting out into the morning to do my run. I know that I will never be that person winning age group awards, but through my running, I do feel like I am winning at life. I am growing in the person I want and need to be.
As I ran Saturday morning, I found myself comparing the run to life. This is why I always say the training journey, for me, is more valuable the the race itself, because of what I learn about me along the way. I tried hard to dodge the puddles, but inevitably found one which soaked my feet, much to my chagrin in the cold wind.
Isn't life like that? We work hard to keep on the right path, doing our best to dodge the "puddles"- aka the rough spots, the hard times, the "oh crap" moments. Yet, no matter how hard we try to do that, sometimes it cannot be avoided. We just have to walk (or run) through them. We have to get both feet wet in order to keep moving forward. We can't push through the day until we've walked through the puddle.
After I made my way through that puddle, a mile later, I found a very slick spot. It was icy and I could spot it before I got to it, but I could not avoid it. Therefore, I had to slow down and walk. Life also calls for that at times.
We gain momentum, we feel good, and then comes an icy patch.... forcing a slow down. This may mean re-evaluating a path we are on. It could mean looking intently at those who surround us and whether they are going to help us cross that icy path or do we need to let go and do it on our own? Call my evaluation a stretch if you will, but for me, it's a very real lesson in life. Seeing it in the light ahead of me was a helpful "heads-up" of what was to come, but I could not avoid it, simply prepare for it and slow down. Better to see it than to be caught off guard and fall on my face.
Finally passing that patch, I was able to finish out my run well, albeit wet and cold. But I finished well, and isn't that what really counts?
Jesus never promised an easy life here, he in fact said there would be troubles (puddles and icy patches). But what counts is how we push through those, what we learn in the midst of them and how we finish the race. I want to finish well, don't you? I want Him to be where my eyes are fixed. I may get wet feet and slick patches along the way, and I'm sure I will fall more than once, but ultimately in the end, the shoes will dry and the ice will melt and there will be a lesson learned through it all, and He will have been there the whole time.
Hebrews 12:1-2 "Do you see what this means- all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? i means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running- and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race were in. ...."
Saturday, January 18, 2020
Be Kind...Just Because
January 18, 2020.
Today would be my mom's 71st birthday, so she is on my mind and heart more than normal. I started this blog as a way to process my thoughts after she passed away because it was rare to find someone around me who really understood that. I've been enjoying getting back to my writings, whether others read them or not. I don't always write about grief or my mom because life shifts and that comes in phases. But today feels a worthy way to remember mom a little, while utilizing the pensive time to recognize her in how she lives out through me, through my siblings, through my children.
If you asked me catch phrases or specific things my mom would say, I can't tell you exact words because there wasn't always that "one thing" like others may experience. She didn't have a phrase that I now repeat from having heard it so many times over. Do you follow me? But what my mom did have was a story for so many ways to relate to others. She also had a song for literally everything. And my mom had a very good listening ear. So what lives out in me that I find myself repeating are her songs and her actions.
When my mom wanted to learn scripture, she would make up a song for it so that she would learn it. Now, these were the days that King James Bible was more popular, so many of the scriptures I hold in my head and heart come from there.
Verses like "Be ye kind, one to another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32 and she had a song for that.
As mom would sing these songs, I saw these ways lived out through her life. My mom was kind to all around her. I do mean that literally. I don't remember her saying things like "the Bible says to be kind, so that's what you need to do." But I do remember her songs and then more than that, watching her live those out. So inadvertently, she did leave me with simplistic piece of her that gets recalled upon a spark of a memory.
Her kindness was lived out through the many hours she would drive me back and forth, but how I can remember she would also pick up my (non-church) friends who wanted to come to church but had no way of getting there for having a single parent who was working and not at home. I remember that she would be kind to the girl in my class that others picked on. Mom did not go out of her way to be kind to a stranger, but she was always affecting people in that way simply by extending a smile. Instead of getting angry, mom would say "Oh bother" roll her eyes a little and keep going.
Mom would bake for people. She invited the widows over for lunch on Sundays and we would play games with them for hours- Grandma Murdoch, Mrs. Duddleston and others.
The list of kind acts my mom did could go on for a long time. I can even recall my mom , in her days of being sick, had a certain woman stop by the house. This woman, to be honest, was one that was very hard to have a conversation with because she talked forever and was inconsiderate of anyone around her. But she came to visit my mom, and my mom sat there kindly, let the lady talk, didn't push her away or say she wasn't up for it. She just loved others. She didn't leave me with a catch phrase, but she left me with so much more through her example.
I remember my mom every day, but of course on her birthday it is a time I am going to get lost in the memories of her more deeply. I'm not sad about it, but I am remembering her and I certainly do miss her. What I want to say is this, this something that my mom didn't say in so many words but she did by her example:
Be kind to others around you. You never know how they are feeling or what they are going through.
Forgive. Forgiveness is not so simple. It is hard, especially when not asked for. But as I am actively working on this, mom's KJV song comes to mind "Be ye kind one to another, tenderheartedly forgiving one another...." Forgiveness is hard. Kindness is, too, at times.
I leave with an active example of kindness I experienced today.
To celebrate mom's birthday, after she passed, we started a tradition in our home of having donuts on her birthday. Baking a cake felt too weird. But this morning, as I went to get those donuts, the gal behind the counter was so kind to me. She didn't know me. She didn't know today would be a hard day for me. She had no idea why I was buying donuts. But she was kind, just because. And her kindness will sit with me all day.
So, to the gal at dunkin donuts, thank you for being kind... just because.
Being kind makes a difference. Not for a reason. Not for a return. Just because. Being kind is being the light and life of Jesus to all those around you. My mom taught me that in her every day interactions. I am thankful for her life and will celebrate her today. Happy Birthday, Mom.
Today would be my mom's 71st birthday, so she is on my mind and heart more than normal. I started this blog as a way to process my thoughts after she passed away because it was rare to find someone around me who really understood that. I've been enjoying getting back to my writings, whether others read them or not. I don't always write about grief or my mom because life shifts and that comes in phases. But today feels a worthy way to remember mom a little, while utilizing the pensive time to recognize her in how she lives out through me, through my siblings, through my children.
If you asked me catch phrases or specific things my mom would say, I can't tell you exact words because there wasn't always that "one thing" like others may experience. She didn't have a phrase that I now repeat from having heard it so many times over. Do you follow me? But what my mom did have was a story for so many ways to relate to others. She also had a song for literally everything. And my mom had a very good listening ear. So what lives out in me that I find myself repeating are her songs and her actions.
When my mom wanted to learn scripture, she would make up a song for it so that she would learn it. Now, these were the days that King James Bible was more popular, so many of the scriptures I hold in my head and heart come from there.
Verses like "Be ye kind, one to another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32 and she had a song for that.
As mom would sing these songs, I saw these ways lived out through her life. My mom was kind to all around her. I do mean that literally. I don't remember her saying things like "the Bible says to be kind, so that's what you need to do." But I do remember her songs and then more than that, watching her live those out. So inadvertently, she did leave me with simplistic piece of her that gets recalled upon a spark of a memory.
Her kindness was lived out through the many hours she would drive me back and forth, but how I can remember she would also pick up my (non-church) friends who wanted to come to church but had no way of getting there for having a single parent who was working and not at home. I remember that she would be kind to the girl in my class that others picked on. Mom did not go out of her way to be kind to a stranger, but she was always affecting people in that way simply by extending a smile. Instead of getting angry, mom would say "Oh bother" roll her eyes a little and keep going.
Mom would bake for people. She invited the widows over for lunch on Sundays and we would play games with them for hours- Grandma Murdoch, Mrs. Duddleston and others.
The list of kind acts my mom did could go on for a long time. I can even recall my mom , in her days of being sick, had a certain woman stop by the house. This woman, to be honest, was one that was very hard to have a conversation with because she talked forever and was inconsiderate of anyone around her. But she came to visit my mom, and my mom sat there kindly, let the lady talk, didn't push her away or say she wasn't up for it. She just loved others. She didn't leave me with a catch phrase, but she left me with so much more through her example.
I remember my mom every day, but of course on her birthday it is a time I am going to get lost in the memories of her more deeply. I'm not sad about it, but I am remembering her and I certainly do miss her. What I want to say is this, this something that my mom didn't say in so many words but she did by her example:
Be kind to others around you. You never know how they are feeling or what they are going through.
Forgive. Forgiveness is not so simple. It is hard, especially when not asked for. But as I am actively working on this, mom's KJV song comes to mind "Be ye kind one to another, tenderheartedly forgiving one another...." Forgiveness is hard. Kindness is, too, at times.
I leave with an active example of kindness I experienced today.
To celebrate mom's birthday, after she passed, we started a tradition in our home of having donuts on her birthday. Baking a cake felt too weird. But this morning, as I went to get those donuts, the gal behind the counter was so kind to me. She didn't know me. She didn't know today would be a hard day for me. She had no idea why I was buying donuts. But she was kind, just because. And her kindness will sit with me all day.
So, to the gal at dunkin donuts, thank you for being kind... just because.
Being kind makes a difference. Not for a reason. Not for a return. Just because. Being kind is being the light and life of Jesus to all those around you. My mom taught me that in her every day interactions. I am thankful for her life and will celebrate her today. Happy Birthday, Mom.
Friday, January 17, 2020
The Little Things
It is as I have always said, truly the little moments in life are the ones we need to embrace; the moments we will want to hang on to forever. Yet, somehow they are often the ones overlooked.
This year, for my word, I have chosen Live Abundantly. Yes, that's two words. However, I am already finding depth in them. I will share about those another day. However, being conscious of living abundantly truly does mean, in part, taking in all of the little moments. Thus, I will work to return to this habit on Fridays of collecting the little moments for a time to reflect and smile, To live abundantly and be joyful.
- I forgot how tiring going to class and working can be. Classes started again this week. However, I also nearly forgot how much I enjoy the challenge of learning and taking in the experiences of being stretched and soaking in new information. My class on Human Rights this semester is already proving interesting.
- It's the little things- like having a winter snow hat I love to protect my ears from the whipping wind. The hat has a "fur" ball on top. It isn't really fur, but it looks like one. It wraps my head in warmth and makes me smile.
- It's something as simple as my husband starting my car for me in the morning when I didn't ask, just because he knows I like getting into a warm vehicle.
- It's baking a new cake recipe, taking a risk, but thoroughly enjoying the process of experimenting a new taste.
- It's picking up my daughter from work at 9:45 and listening to her stories of the day on the ride home.
- It's making time to write again. Though the blogs may be geared differently and perhaps not as frequent, writing again makes my heart happy.
These are fleeting moments, but ones that make me smile upon remembering. Time marches on rapidly.
This year, for my word, I have chosen Live Abundantly. Yes, that's two words. However, I am already finding depth in them. I will share about those another day. However, being conscious of living abundantly truly does mean, in part, taking in all of the little moments. Thus, I will work to return to this habit on Fridays of collecting the little moments for a time to reflect and smile, To live abundantly and be joyful.
- I forgot how tiring going to class and working can be. Classes started again this week. However, I also nearly forgot how much I enjoy the challenge of learning and taking in the experiences of being stretched and soaking in new information. My class on Human Rights this semester is already proving interesting.
- It's the little things- like having a winter snow hat I love to protect my ears from the whipping wind. The hat has a "fur" ball on top. It isn't really fur, but it looks like one. It wraps my head in warmth and makes me smile.
- It's something as simple as my husband starting my car for me in the morning when I didn't ask, just because he knows I like getting into a warm vehicle.
- It's baking a new cake recipe, taking a risk, but thoroughly enjoying the process of experimenting a new taste.
- It's picking up my daughter from work at 9:45 and listening to her stories of the day on the ride home.
- It's making time to write again. Though the blogs may be geared differently and perhaps not as frequent, writing again makes my heart happy.
These are fleeting moments, but ones that make me smile upon remembering. Time marches on rapidly.
Thursday, January 9, 2020
Let's get Real... about Leadershi
Leadership is a topic that has resonated in my heart over the last many months. Through a series of events, I have found myself learning and growing in this area. I have learned that there are many different styles of leadership and versions of how that looks.
However, through the lessons and the growth, I have found my own definition of the way this looks. I have been under leaders who have barked orders and everyone just does the tasks because it is their duty. I have been under leaders who have felt they deserved the respect, and didn't earn it - those were hard circumstances. I have been under great leaders who took time to listen, mentor, ask me questions and learn me for who I was and guide me in such a way that I could begin to find my own way through the process of being a leader. And I have had leaders who were a little scattered, unsure and yet still in charge, leaving me in a place of having to give respect, even if I didn't feel it in my heart.
Through the variety of leaders I have had in my days, I have begun to find my own way of being a leader. I believe in team unity. I believe in celebrating others' accomplishments. I believe in leading alongside a person and not leaving them out to figure it all on their own, only to find they were so lost that nothing was done. I believe in being in the trenches with the persons, not ahead of them just because of being a leader.
What I believe is really neither here nor there to anyone reading this blog. This blog helps me work through my own thoughts and if it helps another person in the process, then I am very happy for that. I have come to have a strong belief in who I want to be as leader, but with a willingness to continue reshaping that as circumstances or people change. But I want to get real for a moment.
Getting real and vulnerable at times is risky. However, I also find value in that as a leader. Genuine vulnerability at times is a way that I believe people can relate and find comfort and trust. And trust is essential as a leader. So, let me get real for a moment.
I've been put into a place of being more of a leader in the recent months. With that has come challenges I had never had to face. With that, came shifting friendships that have been hard for me to accept. I promoted within my office, and I didn't fully realize some of the difficulties that would produce. While there has been a great acceptance to that, it has also come with resistance. And that resistance has been hard for me to adjust to and understand.
I love to understand people, to relate to them, to help them. However, I am also learning that, in this particular circumstance, being a leader does mean guiding, having tough conversations, being real... but it also means accepting a situation for what it is and moving forward, regardless of the other person's choice. And that is hard for me.
I want to pull that person alongside me. i want the team effort to flow effortlessly like it did before. But I cannot change another person. I can only change me. I can learn from yet another obstacle and work my way through navigating it and become a stronger leader because of it.
I am a people pleaser by nature, but learning how to have hard conversations is part of being a leader. I learned through one leader who did not like having those hard conversations the importance of them, whether I like it or not. And now I am having to practice that. And it stinks. But it is pushing me in my growth and shaping me into a stronger person for the experience.
yesterday as I faced yet another hard moment in the circumstance with this person, I literally wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because the one person who had always been my support (there) has become the exact opposite of that. I wanted to cry because that person, and those who surround that person, now seemingly dislike me. And I have done nothing to deserve that. I have simply been me. I worked hard. I learned. I cried. I laughed. And I pushed my way through some times that were incredibly challenging... and I grew through those. I sought mentorship. And those mentors pushed me, helped me see myself in new ways and I took those and let those truths grow me and through that, I believe, I was able to be in a place of promoting.
But back to the circumstance. It has been a challenge. And yesterday I found myself saying a truth that leads me to this blog today. When I finished yet another difficult conversation with this person, as frustrated as I felt. I landed on a statement in my mind.
At first I said: I don't deserve this behavior. I've done nothing but help and love in a time I could have responded very differently. And yet I'm being rejected in a sense. And it hurts. I felt rejected.
But then I had a Truth moment: So did Jesus.
Jesus said we would face trouble in the world. He said we would be rejected. He said we would face times like that. And while I am not being rejected directly because of my faith, neither was Jesus always rejected for those reasons.
Jesus loved. Jesus healed. Jesus was not always loud, but often times did His leading in a quiet way, alongside his disciples. Jesus did not abandon any of them.
But Jesus was rejected. He was rejected by Judas, betrayed by Judas, his very own disciple. And that hit me hard yesterday.
Being a leader has challenges. It also brings growth and beauty. There will be moments of rejection from others from disagreeing moments. There will also be new bonds formed. I feel I have many lessons to learn along this path and plenty of growth ahead of me. But I am looking forward to the journey. Leadership is scary. However, it is also quite exciting. I can't wait to see what this year will bring... one day at a time.
However, through the lessons and the growth, I have found my own definition of the way this looks. I have been under leaders who have barked orders and everyone just does the tasks because it is their duty. I have been under leaders who have felt they deserved the respect, and didn't earn it - those were hard circumstances. I have been under great leaders who took time to listen, mentor, ask me questions and learn me for who I was and guide me in such a way that I could begin to find my own way through the process of being a leader. And I have had leaders who were a little scattered, unsure and yet still in charge, leaving me in a place of having to give respect, even if I didn't feel it in my heart.
Through the variety of leaders I have had in my days, I have begun to find my own way of being a leader. I believe in team unity. I believe in celebrating others' accomplishments. I believe in leading alongside a person and not leaving them out to figure it all on their own, only to find they were so lost that nothing was done. I believe in being in the trenches with the persons, not ahead of them just because of being a leader.
What I believe is really neither here nor there to anyone reading this blog. This blog helps me work through my own thoughts and if it helps another person in the process, then I am very happy for that. I have come to have a strong belief in who I want to be as leader, but with a willingness to continue reshaping that as circumstances or people change. But I want to get real for a moment.
Getting real and vulnerable at times is risky. However, I also find value in that as a leader. Genuine vulnerability at times is a way that I believe people can relate and find comfort and trust. And trust is essential as a leader. So, let me get real for a moment.
I've been put into a place of being more of a leader in the recent months. With that has come challenges I had never had to face. With that, came shifting friendships that have been hard for me to accept. I promoted within my office, and I didn't fully realize some of the difficulties that would produce. While there has been a great acceptance to that, it has also come with resistance. And that resistance has been hard for me to adjust to and understand.
I love to understand people, to relate to them, to help them. However, I am also learning that, in this particular circumstance, being a leader does mean guiding, having tough conversations, being real... but it also means accepting a situation for what it is and moving forward, regardless of the other person's choice. And that is hard for me.
I want to pull that person alongside me. i want the team effort to flow effortlessly like it did before. But I cannot change another person. I can only change me. I can learn from yet another obstacle and work my way through navigating it and become a stronger leader because of it.
I am a people pleaser by nature, but learning how to have hard conversations is part of being a leader. I learned through one leader who did not like having those hard conversations the importance of them, whether I like it or not. And now I am having to practice that. And it stinks. But it is pushing me in my growth and shaping me into a stronger person for the experience.
yesterday as I faced yet another hard moment in the circumstance with this person, I literally wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because the one person who had always been my support (there) has become the exact opposite of that. I wanted to cry because that person, and those who surround that person, now seemingly dislike me. And I have done nothing to deserve that. I have simply been me. I worked hard. I learned. I cried. I laughed. And I pushed my way through some times that were incredibly challenging... and I grew through those. I sought mentorship. And those mentors pushed me, helped me see myself in new ways and I took those and let those truths grow me and through that, I believe, I was able to be in a place of promoting.
But back to the circumstance. It has been a challenge. And yesterday I found myself saying a truth that leads me to this blog today. When I finished yet another difficult conversation with this person, as frustrated as I felt. I landed on a statement in my mind.
At first I said: I don't deserve this behavior. I've done nothing but help and love in a time I could have responded very differently. And yet I'm being rejected in a sense. And it hurts. I felt rejected.
But then I had a Truth moment: So did Jesus.
Jesus said we would face trouble in the world. He said we would be rejected. He said we would face times like that. And while I am not being rejected directly because of my faith, neither was Jesus always rejected for those reasons.
Jesus loved. Jesus healed. Jesus was not always loud, but often times did His leading in a quiet way, alongside his disciples. Jesus did not abandon any of them.
But Jesus was rejected. He was rejected by Judas, betrayed by Judas, his very own disciple. And that hit me hard yesterday.
Being a leader has challenges. It also brings growth and beauty. There will be moments of rejection from others from disagreeing moments. There will also be new bonds formed. I feel I have many lessons to learn along this path and plenty of growth ahead of me. But I am looking forward to the journey. Leadership is scary. However, it is also quite exciting. I can't wait to see what this year will bring... one day at a time.
Sunday, January 5, 2020
Start over. Mind over Matter
Starting over or beginning any act for the first time is never easy. Mind over matter is truly how to accomplish it.
Mind over matter- forget about the fear and just do it.
Mind over matter- stop with the "I can't" and say "I will"
Mind over matter- envision the finish line, the end product, not the start line where it is so easy to stop or give up before even getting going
Mind over matter- Believing in oneself and pushing through the doubts
I was not a blogger when I first began running, so I want to share a story about when I first began.
My whole life I had said "I'm not a runner and never will be!"
In high school, the cross country coach called me, asking me to participate, in need of runners. I had zero desire to do that, but said I would try and get back with him. I did not even go a mile, felt like dying, and called him back to say "no thanks, it's not for me."
I had friends who took it up when we got "older", and I still said, "nope- never. Not for me."
And yet... I have learned to never say never.
In case you have heard this story or in lieu of not dragging it out, I witnessed the finish line at the Air Force Marathon as a volunteer and I said then that I would do a half marathon.
Before that moment, I had not really found myself capable of accomplishing such large goals. But when I saw the different ages, shapes, sizes, people cross that finish line, I said to myself "If they can do it, so can I."
I do believe that in that moment is when I really began to understand myself and learn what I could do with the right mind set.
My first run was so hard. I mean HARD. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I hated it. Yet, I'd set my mind to it. I had no idea what I was doing. I wasn't wearing the right shoes nor clothing. I didn't know anything about stretches or training. I was clueless.
My brother, at that time a marine drill instructor, came home for a short break, and he offered to go out for a run with me. This is when I feel the turning point came for me. He taught me a valuable lesson. We went for a run in the park. He pushed me. I hated it. But he is one who has always pushed me, helped me understand my potential, even if he is younger than I am. He said to me we would only go one mile and then I could walk. I. Wanted. To. Die. I asked him, "Are we at a mile yet??" And he said nope, keep going... we are getting close. To me, it felt like an eternity. When he said "One Mile!" I never felt so relieved.
Then he had this stupid grin on his face, so I asked him why he looked so mischievous. He told me "Congratulations, you just did a mile and a half!!"
That fool tricked me, but taught me a valuable lesson in that moment. Mind over matter. We are capable for more than we think. We must learn to push ourselves a little. Several months later, I finished my first half marathon and have never looked backwards on that.
Running has taught me countless lessons. I know that I have yet to learn from this unique sport. I share all of this to remind myself of the capability. In 2019 I only was able to run one half marathon. Due to many life events, I feel like it went by the wayside. However, I am back in training now. I am looking towards an April race and a May race. BUT.... I feel like that person back in 2008 who is taking her first steps again.
I may not have slid that far into being out of shape, but I definitely have to remind myself of the ability that lies within me in regards to distance running. I have to remind myself how good it feels and how much I will enjoy the accomplishment. And I have a goal in mind, to which I am much looking forward seeing the outcome. I really have to live mind over matter right now, as the miles have become difficult for me once again.
A mentor once taught me that it usually isn't about the actual finish line experience as it is about the journey of what I learn through it. Yes, the finish line feels good and is exciting. However, it feels that way because of what is overcome through the months leading up to it. And I am very much looking forward to what the next months will teach me as I re-train my body how to do this distance.
I'm not out to win my age bracket. I am not even sure yet that I want to aim for PRs. However, I am anxious to be at it regularly again.
It will be hard. I am 10 years older. I am more tired (so not sleeping in is a challenge). I am probably (ok... I am) 10 pounds+ heavier. But I am also 10 years the wiser. And I am excited to see what this new leg of the journey, this new decade if you want to say, will bring. One day at at time.
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