Have you ever been stuck? Like...stuck in the mud? Or stuck in a traffic jam? Or stuck in a crappy life situation and you don't know how to fix it? It's rather frustrating. It's about waiting, really. Patiently pulling the foot out of the shoe to get out of the mud, then pulling the shoe out of the mud. Or patiently having to wait behind the car in front of you......because pretty much there is nothing else you can do. Or patiently wait on God to show you the next step of life.
I'm stuck. I won't lie or try to hide it. It's a vulnerable statement to make, especially considering I really do not know who all my readers are. I'm just stuck. I'll elaborate on some and keep some of the other details to myself. I'm stuck in grief. I'm worn out and tired. And I really know that it's the beginning process of it, seeing as how it's been only 2 months since mom passed. Relay for Life was an amazing event for me, personally. It gave me purpose. It felt good to be doing something-not only in memory of mom, but to help those currently fighting the battle. Now that has passed, and while planning will begin soon for next year's event, I'm stuck facing the grief again without an event in front of my face driving me to keep going. Monday was Joseph's birthday. Another first in life without mom. The first birthday celebration. I cried when dad left. It's simple things, really.things most people would stare at me and think ..."What is her problem?" It was the simple fact of how mom loved shopping for the kids' birthdays and this time it was up to dad. He did it-he's very brave, quietly walking through this in his own way, too, as I'm sure shopping for a 7 year old's gift was not natural to him- mom always did it. He came with the present wrapped in blue tissue paper (coincidentally mom's favorite color) with the words "from Papa" written on it. Even not having "NaNa" on the gift was hard. Shoot, I am teary eyed just thinking about it now. It was a nice little celebration, though. Just different, as really everything in life is these days.
I'm stuck figuring out the next step sometimes. Sometimes I am so tired from work, or crying, or grief, or just plain out life in general that taking the next step is something hard. But by God's grace, I manage to keep going. Just sometimes I"m taking baby steps-like crawling out of bed when the alarm rings. Sometimes it's more of a giant step, like walking 20 miles and hours on end at Relay for Life. It really depends on the day.
I'm stuck trying desperately to figure out a new running schedule. I'm managing to get in 3 runs a week, but they are not as long as I'd like. They are quite therapeutic, though. I guess that's what matters. Running is my happy hour.....that is a very true statement for me. (I even own a shirt to publicize that!)
I'm kind of stuck trying to understand who I am even right now. That sounds silly, but as an author of a book I am currently reading stated, "I (am) irrevocably aware that the person who loved me most in the world (is) gone." No one loves like a mother-if you examine your own life, that love is different from a spouses love or a best friend's love. It's hard to know who to call when I am having a day of feeling like a complete failure. Mom was that one, usually. She listened. And never judged or made me feel stupid. In fact, she always managed to encourage me. This is where God is teaching me that He is the One to fill that gap. It's different than sitting face to face with my mom over coffee, but it is true, whether you believe it or not. I feel it. God is the One who understands my pain and my confusion in life right now. yes, there are friends I call on frequently. But the pain and awareness of not having my mom to talk to about every single detail of life is very evident every day. I'm just being brutally honest with you.
So, Yep, I feel stuck. But I'm hoping that one baby step at a time....one precious day at a time, one smile at a time, I will eventually move forward-I will finish the race being given to me. And maybe be used somehow in the process. Mom took every little thing out of life and used it. She was quiet about it-she didn't publicize it. But I watched her write countless cards to people. and I listened to her pray wholeheartedly. And I experienced her grace, her patience, her love. I remember mom being pretty involved with March for Dimes, which is something involving infants-i should know more, but like I said, mom didn't publicize it. She didn't do it for her own glory. She did it with a servants heart. So if she was ever stuck....I never knew it. I'm pretty sure that my kids know I'm stuck. Whoops....but then again, I'm just being me. Maybe we can all learn together from it. Who knows? It's all about One day at a time.
some tell me that I may not be giving enough. Or that I am not myself. That is a fine line...it's hard to find that balance between all that. That has been an emotional battle I have fought lately-warring with myself that I should just be normal. I have no idea what normal is right now. So I just try to give each day everything I have. And as long as it's the best I have in that day, in that moment, I should not feel defeated. Easier said than done for me, but I am trying to embrace what I wrote in a previous blog- that sometimes just surviving a task or a day is the best I have. Like I said, One day at a time.....