She taunts me when I am moving slowly or miss a day of exercise.
She knows my weaknesses and my strengths, and how to play upon each of those.
She knows when I fail and when I succeed.
She often shouts at me that I can do better....
She tells me the treadmill is dreadful and that I should skip running altogether when the temperatures are below 0
She is me.
Can you relate?
My mind can be my best asset or my worst enemy, depending on the day and the route I allow it to take. Only I can control my thoughts. They can carry me far in my running goals or they can tear me down. They can tell me to stay in bed when it's cold or get up because I will feel better.
I know my own weaknesses (sleep..potato chips...feelings of failure- can anyone relate??) but I also know my strengths (pushing through the bad, not giving up, fighting for my end goal results).
I am my worst critic, but not my biggest cheerleader. And there are moments when those lies of never making it or not being good enough shout louder than the positive thoughts.
I am most certainly my biggest competitor, and not achieving what I set out to do can become a negative moment....or I can choose to allow it to push me to become better.
Essentially, the choice is mine alone. Will I give up, or will I press on? I have asked myself this the last couple of weeks on some days. I had lost some steam in the running goal. The IT Band threw a kink in my gung-ho training plan and when I set out on my 4 miles last weekend, I felt slower than molasses. That 2:15 goal feels a bit impossible. But my own words come back to me to remind me it's more about what I learn along the way and giving my all than it is about if I make the time or not. But I often have to remind myself of that because my mind's lies- my worst enemy of myself- can get in the way.
And so I press on. This morning, enjoying a holiday off work, I actually was able to run in the sunshine! I had to fight the mind on it for a few minutes, but the warm sun and melting snow coaxed me out the door. While I only did 3 miles, I felt so amazing when I finished. Because I beat the old me and ultimately.....
I felt like me. The True Me.
I sang a bit to my songs while I ran. I hopped around a few little icy patches. And I pushed through a small amount of pain. I beat my weaknesses today. And I smiled hugely. Today, it wasn't about the time goal. While yes, the goal remains in tact and one I am not abandoning, today was about the enjoyment of the run. The sun. The pure love of the sport. About being me. And I felt amazing.
I will continue to push through the hard. No goal is easily achieved- much work is involved in the process. But the more I push, regardless of the outcome, the better I feel. I will beat my biggest competitor- my own self. And I will win, with a story to tell in the end.
Rachael-I love how you relate running in your writing. I'm not a runner, but hearing you talk about it makes me want to hit the pavement. I've really tried to lean into my "worst critic" and ask why would I talk to me in that way because In would stear clear of anyone else who was negative or degrading. I'm letting teach me how to love myself like I love others. Thx for writing today.
ReplyDeleteJacqui- thank you! running certainly ties into so many aspects of my life. You nailed it when you said you wouldn't talk to others that way or how you'd steer clear of anyone who did talk that way. It's a lesson I'm learning all the time! Thanks for your encouragement for my writing today :)
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