Sunday, July 31, 2011

Take time to make time

Go, go, go, go, go....that is so often what defines a day, isn't it? A day in my life, or a week in my life might be the better way of writing this, is so full, i can hardly breathe. In fact, the only time I really do that is either when I am up first thing in the morning, taking a few minutes to myself with  my coffee and my journal and my Bible, or when I crash in the bed at night. Or when I am out for a run. Otherwise, there are demands of life.....there's the necessities (but things I wouldn't change ever) like being a mom of 2 active kids; and the ever demanding cleaning aspects around the house, like dishes and laundry. There is also that thing we all must do-like work a full time job. I add running into it and that takes more time. Sure, I love that and also wouldn't give that up, but it is a bit time consuming sometimes. I also am very involved with Relay for Life as well as planning a 5K in my mom's name to take place in October. Whew, I get tired just writing it all down. I also do a lot with my dad and am trying to take care of my own grief and make my way through that. I am always on the go. A couple weeks ago, I had a lightbulb moment. I need to take time to make other words, I need to take time "off". A week with no meetings, no evening plans, no computer distractions, no extras. Time for me to just focus on the home. Yes, I should be doing this every day, in a sense. And I do my best to balance. I'm doing my best to also make time for me. Last Friday I went out with some girls from work and we laughed and had a great time! It was good to be me for an evening, no worries. Anyway, back to my point. This week, I'm making it be my week of no distractions. And I am looking forward to what I know can take place-time with my kids, time to be as a family, time to accomplish some little is going to be a good week with no plans any evening.
 Some of those activities I put into my life can be distractions, albeit good ones. So I have to be careful that those things don't take the number one place. They are great things to be doing, things I don't want to give up. But I also don't want them to be more important to me than the things that matter most-my husband, my kids, my quiet time. I do Relay because I am passionate about fighting cancer. I do Relay for my mom. I do Relay because I know what it's like to watch a loved one dying of cancer and I not only want to help fight this awful disease, but I want to be there for those giong through it and those who have to watch their loved one go through it. It's painful. And it's a journey that one who's seen it first hand can really understand like no one else . I do Relay because I want to and because it helps me process my grief, too.
 I am planning a 5K for many reasons. Partly, it is also part of my grief process. I am planning a 5K in my mom's name for October. The University has a scholarship started in mom's name. Dad and I have the plan of growing it to be an annual gift and a good one for the recipient. The recipient will be a student studying to be a nurse in oncology. This will bless another student, who will bless cancer patients, and mom blessed so many people, it's going to be a neat process to watch unfold. It's going to be a lot of work, but also a good activity. I"m combining my passions of fighting cancer and running and putting them in my mom's name-what better activity to do? Mom would likely be embarrassed by it all, but it keeps mom alive in some neat ways.
 I think a lot about my mom through songs. I've said how much mom loved to sing-she had a song for literally everything. Growing up, we learned a lot of Bible verses through song; we learned a lot of silly songs to keep us entertained;we learned a lot of hymns and truths about God through the songs mom would sing. Songs mean a lot to me, and they did to mom as well. We had a record player growing up. We spent hours around the record player-it sat in our dining room and you could hear it playing through the whole house. Sometimes we listened to story records. Sometimes Sesame Street song records. Sometimes Tennessee Ernie Ford or the Gaither Brothers. Sunday afternoons we'd come home from church and put on the records while mom got the roast and the gravy and all teh fixings put onto the fine china and on the table. Today we sang a song  called It is Well With My Soul. Mom loved that song. It was on one of the records and I remember that one vividly. She didn't want it at her funeral because it is such a common funeral song, but she sure did love that one. It's hard to hear or sing and not get teary. Here is an excerpt from the song mom did choose for her funeral. yes, she chose it herself.
 "I know not what of good or ill May be reserved for me, of weary ways or golden days, Before His face I see....I know not when my Lord my come, at night or noonday fair, Nor if I walk the vale with Him, or meet Him in the air.... But I know Whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able To keep that which I've committed Unto Him against that day."
 I look forward to singing this with mom again one day. Alot of people say they hope to see their loved one again some day. Or they believe that their loved one is in a better place. But i KNOW where my mom is. and I KNOW i'll see her again....because I also know in Whom I have believed, and mom is singing in Heaven to and with Him. What an awesome thought that is. So sometimes singing is emotional for me, but there's alot behind each tear that is there-yes, sadness. but also joy. Joy that I know mom is singing that song at His feet now-not in the dining room. And how much more amazing is that? Joy that I will sing it with mom again someday. When I sing or when I hear these songs, I think each and every time of mom being in Heaven and finally seeing what she has been singing about all these years.
 This week as I take time to make time, I'll keep taking it one day at a time. But it'll be a week or so before I post here again.

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