Friday, July 1, 2011

July. A month of remembering.

I forgot how much I loved to run at 5 am. Yesterday my alarm went off at 4 something, and I groaned, not wanting to get out of bed; but you see, afternoon runs just aren't working out for me. So I decided I have to do it early in the morning during the week or it won't happen. It has to happen because I have a full marathon in 80 some days. The run was amazing and just what I needed. No, I didn't break any time records or even go really far; but I started out my day achieving a goal I'd set, and that felt good. It also just felt good to run. Sadness has creeped back in, and running does wonders for that. I felt like I was on cloud 9 all day. Strange how running does that for me.So I guess I'll be getting up with the birds least a few days a week. I hit a wall about 3 oclock, usually, but coffee helps that a lot :)! I'm thankful I discovered running. I will never be the world's best....but I am still doing something I thought I never could and something that I love. How many people can say that?
 Work served as a distraction from my grief for a few weeks. Lately, though, grief has served as a distraction for other things. The loss of mom still resonates deep in me. I am sure it always will. I have to remind myself it's only been 3 months. It's just that for a couple weeks, I didn't think on it as much, or I didn't allow myself to, I'm not sure which it is. The last week though has been pretty tough in that respect for me. I miss mom so much it physically hurts. I wouldn't wish her back for anything, but some days it's so hard not having her here. I am in a new season of life- a new job, new people , new discoveries, new opportunities. I think that makes the hole deep -not having mom to share those things with is hard. Hard is not even an adequate word for it, but it's the best term I can think of to put down here. Today is July 1-it is my brother's birthday . In fact, it is birthday month for our family-my 2 brothers, my sister, and myself were all born in July. I wonder if maybe that's part of missing mom so intensely right now. How can one have a birthday and not think of the one who gave birth? Mom always made birthdays a big deal. We weren't showered with lots of presents, but we got things we wanted usually. Mom always made cakes just how we liked. She always made each of us feel special, which was a big deal to me, growing up in a house where we really could have just had one big party and been done with it. But mom made each birthday significant. I'm sure I'll blog more on that in days to come .  I was thinking about when we moved here about 4 years ago in 2007....
 The other night I was helping a friend pack for her move to New York.  I do not want to say goodbye to her-she has become a special friend to me. That made me think about goodbyes. And it took me back to our move in 2007, when we moved here from Florida. I did not want to move at all. In fact, it was pretty miserable for me. Sharing all of that journey would be a whole blog in and of itself. Maybe one day I'll share some more of that story. The brief version is, we had to make a decision best for our family, and moving to Ohio was the best decision, like it or not. I can remember like yesterday packing boxes and saying goodbye to the only home we'd ever owned. I remember sitting with my best friends-Casey, Karen, Lisa, and not wanting to leave. I was so angry, and I could not understand why God would move us to Ohio. I am so thankful now that He did. I got some precious time with my mom I never wou ld have had otherwise. So did my kids. They became as close with her as I ever could have wished. I wouldn't trade it for anything. God always knows what He is doing, and I remind myself that now as I miss my mom so deeply. I thought that time was the hardest time I'd ever gone through; it was pretty miserable, I won't lie. I had a really hard time adjusting to being back in Ohio. But mom became my best friend. I wouldn't trade it for a day. And now I can say I've gone through (am going through) a harder time than moving was. The loss of losing mom is much worse than leaving Florida was-at least there I can still visit or talk with old friends.
 Some people say that I should be over my loss now and moving on. Some people don't say much of anything because they don't know what to say. Some people just quietly ask how I am doing and then move on. Some people....very few....continue just to be  a quiet presence, not really understanding my loss, but being there for me anyway. I say I am my own unique person and I just have to walk through this. I am fine. I will get through this by God's grace. I just need time. And one day at a time is all I can do. Really, I have a lot of blessings to count. I am really excited about a new opportunity I am working on, and it helps me process my grief somewhat. The University mom went to (Cedarville University) has created a scholarship in mom's name. The scholarship will be going to a nursing student studying cancer. Dad and I have decided we want this scholarship to grow and become a larger one, and an annual one. So I am working on organizing a 5k in mom's name, and all proceeds will benefit her scholarship. this will take place in October. What better way for me to process grief than to put running and mom together? After all, she was my biggest cheerleader. I am really excited about this endeavor. Who knows what new opportunities it will lead to? And I am excited to raise some money in mom's memory to go to a student in need of it studying to fight the ugly disease. Stay tuned for more details on this....I am excited to share more.
 In the meantime, I will continue taking life one day at a time. Today is Friday, July 1. I will celebrate my brother today (my little brother ! :) ) I will remember mom. I will enjoy it being Friday. And for the first time in forever, I have a 3 day weekend without asking off for it!!!  It's going to be a good day. It's birthday month-so I am remembering my mom even deeper right now. But it is a great way to start out a new month! Happy birthday, Tim! Happy July to all! Here's to a new day!

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