Saturday, July 9, 2011

Storage boxes

We live in a small apartment. Having owned a home in Florida, moving to an apartment was quite a change. We have a storage unit in order to hold all our extra things that don't fit into an apartment. Sometimes I wonder about those things in storage-if we don't have them in our apartment, are they worth keeping? But yet, sometimes those things are like precious treasure, that is quite beautiful once rediscovered. I "rediscovered" a beautiful gift yesterday.
 I opened a box and found some precious memories that made me laugh and cry, both. I found my graduation on VHS. We don't own a vcr anymore, so I watched it at my dad's. It was a gift to hear my mom's laugh on that VHS tape. And hear her voice. Lately, I've longed to hear her voice. I didn't expect to find it inside a box. The kids enjoyed watching the tape as well. It also had my grandparents on the tape, who have also passed. That brought a smile,seeing them and hearing my mom's voice again. Later in the box, I found some old notes mom had written me during my one year of Bible college. My mom loved to write. She loved cards and letters and things along that line. After mom died, I'd recalled many notes she'd left in my lunches over the years. I wished I'd saved them, but who could've guessed or known?  To find all these things written on sticky notes was a precious gift I will hold onto forever. That boxed item brought tears. I carefully read each note. I remember that mom had given me a package and in that package was an envelope that held a sticky note for each week. A piece of peace my mom was passing my way each week while I was many miles away and she couldn't be there. Each sticky note has a verse on it. Some were about God caring for me. Others about His provision . Others about anxiety. I could "hear" mom's voice through those notes. Almost feel her hugs again and hear her prayers for me. I'd forgotten all about those, but the memory came back like yesterday. And I am so thankful I saved those notes. Mom's favorite verse was Proverbs 3:5-6, and she lived it out. That verse was on one of the cards. It is "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Some days when I miss mom so much it hurts, I read some of her favorite scriptures. That one is one I've known all my life, but reading it now , it holds much deeper meaning. Not just beacuse it was mom's favorite. But because I feel her..but even more... I feel God speaking to me through it. I held onto that verse when I decided to leave Starbucks. It was a tough change, a tough decision for me. But I trusted Him and did not lean on my understanding of what I'd known for nearly 4 years. And I am so glad I did, because I am so much happier in that change. Another verse was "cast all your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you." I hesitated and hesitated to share something. But when it came to my mind more than one time (more than 2 or 3 even) I decided to include it in my blog today. And when I read the verse on the card, I felt touched to the core. You see, I struggle with anxiety. And not even just anxiety, but depression . This could really include a blog in and of itself. And I probably will elaborate on it a little more one day. Yes, I am clinically diagnosed with depression. Sharing this with the world wide web is a very scarey thing for me It's not something many christians talk about. But a man i have deep respect for (JH), and a woman I deeply respect (JP), who are both christians and live their faith out day by day in amazing ways, and very real ways, also have depression. They were the first christians I ever heard talk about it. And I learned that we allhave our own struggles, and God helps us and loves us through those struggles. No one is immune to depression. And it is something that often times has to be treated with medication.  Sometimes anxiety comes with it. There are people out there who want to fix me ro want me to not have to take medication. And maybe someday that will be the case for me. The dr. seems to think so. But even when that gets "fixed" there will likely be somethingelse . That's what a spiritual journey is. There is always something to improve or fix. Just some things are different. Some are more easy to fix. Some can't be and that's why God gives medicine and drs. Some get better and then something else happens . It's different for every person. Anyway, I've learned so much through this time of struggling with it. But reading that verse strikes me at a new level. God is still using my mom to teach me. I never told my mom about my depression. I don't have a good reason why. Mostly because I 've not shared it with a lot of people . I was embarassed about it for a long time.Yet here I am sharing it with the world , if any person chooses to read it. God used JH and JP in my life through their journey of depression and struggle with it, to allow me to know it's ok. And so maybe now He'll use me in some way to help someone who reads this with their struggle. Or maybe it'll just help otehrs to understand me better. Either way, I have  and am learning to cast my anxiety on Him each and every day. Thank you, mom, for teaching me that all my life. And teaching it even now after you are gone. So like I said, you can sometimes find precious memories inside a storage box.
 What is in your storage boxes? What's inside you  that may be a precious treasure that you are not sharing? Just's made me think. And clearly it's made me share.

 ON a different note, I will say something precious that Joseph said to me yesterday. We were at the farm and we were playing outside on the swing set. I said something like remember all the hours Nana spent swinging you out here? and Joseph's response to me was.."mommy, she's still here with us." I asked him what he meant and he said "She's with us everywhere we go. We carry her in our heart." OH, the precious reminders children bring. and how profound of a 7 year old to say that.

I think there are a lot more things I want to share. Actually, this blog took a way different turn than I'd intended. So what I had in my mind to write will have to wait until another day I guess. In the meantime, I hold onto the cards mom had given me way back then and thank God I came across that box yesterday.And I will continue taking life one day at a time.

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