Paul said in Philippians 3:12-14 "Not that I have already attained or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended;but one thing i do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call o fGod in Christ Jesus."
On an earthly level, I will tell you that pressing on was very hard for me today. I hit the alarm at 5:30 on a Saturday morning so I could go out and train on a long run. I sighed, but knew I would be glad at the end of the day (which I very much am, but I'll come back to that.) today I'd scheduled myself for a 14 mile run. My race is in about 6 weeks. LIke I've said in the past, I do not follow typical training methods. My life just doesn't totally allow for it. But I'm doing my best to make it work, determined to keep pressing on and finishing a full marathon-for me, for my mom, and for many other reasons. Anyhow, back to my run. I was very energized the first 7 miles. In fact, I felt great. I kept my normal pace, and was feeling like I could totally do this! I did a small walking stint at 10 miles. At about 12 I hit a terrible wall. I wanted to quit. I was doubting myself with every step of not only finishing today's run out, but a full marathon! I kept asking myself "what was I thinking??" I was never so glad to see my car at the end of the bike path. I felt tired and I felt queasy. I'd hydrated the entire run, so I really didn't think that was my issue. I took some sips of gatorade, stretched out well and went home. Not long after I got home, that gatorade didn't stay down. I wasn't going to sit and admit this, but I decideed to. My brother tells me it's just a matter of me pushing my body to new limits and I will feel much better next time. We'll see. I wanted so badly to quit. I wanted so badly to say I'll never be able to finish a full. But then my determination kicked in. I reminded myself why I'm doing this full marathon. And if I've come through all the yuckiness that I have in the last year, then I most certainly can finish. And guess what....it's 10:15 pm, I haven't crashed back asleep yet, and I feel fine. I feel ready to go out for my next long run (in a week of course!) But I will not be giving up. Press on is a phrase that sticks in my mind. It is so very hard to press on some moments.
On a different level of things, pressing on for me toward my ultimate goal has gotten lost some days. I've been reminded why pressing on is such a neat thing. and such an important thing. I have been reflecting on the last year a lot lately. Press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call......what is my upward call? sometimes you have to distance yourself from something in order to see it clearly. I mean you have to step back and try to look through a different lens. Back in October I'd actually been trying to find a new job. I actually went through interviewing process at one particular place. I was bummed when it didn't work out. But you know what? i am so glad now that it didn't. That next month mom got really bad and I would not have been able to really be with her as I was able to if I'd been at a new job. Plus, I kept pressing on through some hard times at the job I had and God has rewarded that by giving me such an amazing job at this point! It's making such a huge difference in my life. Mom pressed on til her very last day. And I have no doubt that she is seeing her rewards now. Paul also said forgetting the things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. that is also sometimes hard to do. We are human. We don't ever really forget. But sometimes those things hinder us. And even if we can never actually forget, we are supposed to move on. Press On. Move forward. I'm trying. And God is doing it slowly in me, one day at a time. And on those days that I want to give up the towel and just go back to bed, I remember those days that are actually behind me, and I remember all He's brought me through and it helps me to press on. He's carried me a long way. He'll continue to.
I am organizing a 5k in mom's name. Cedarville University had a small scholarship started in mom's name, designated to go to a student studying to be a nurse in oncology. On October 8th, I will be hosting a 5K in her name to raise more funds for that scholarship. I am excited about this. It helps me through my grief process, helps me move on a little bit, while still keeping mom's memory very much alive. It's a large endeavor, but I am very excited about it.
We'll be approaching some more "firsts" this month. Tomorrow will be my daughter's 9th birthday. Mom will be missed. Then there will be mom and dad's anniversary coming up. There is always a first to walk through in this first year. And while it is so hard to figure out things and get through each of those moments, God is my strength, and He is helping me to press on.
I believe that at my marathon, I will have a phrase written on my arm or somewhere that says press on. So when i hit these walls, I'll remember all I've come through and so I can keep going.
So I'm not giving up on my training. Quite contrary-I'll be training just as hard!
In the meantime, when it comes to training, working through life without mom, marriage, being a mom , and the many other things, I will keep taking it all one day at a time.