I have to write about this tonight. I am really at a point of pure exhaustion, but my mind will rest better if I put some thoughts to my blog.
Tomorrow is Relay for Life. I have been preparing for this event for months. When I signed up my team, I knew that the liklihood of mom being here for the event was going to be slim. The reality of that punch is deep in my gut tonight. I am doing this for my mom. She was quite the warrior. Now I will try to portray her spirit and maybe make a small difference by walking all night and raising a few dollars. I don't say that for others to be saying "Yay, Rachael!" I say it because it's a very minor thing I can do for others battling cancer.
The journey to this day and event has been long and exhausting. Tomorrow will be full of emotions. Our team got shirts made up and the back of mine says "Walking in memory of mom" . The sight of that is unreal almost. I'm doing this in memory, not in honor of. That is a tough pill to swallow. Duh, right? I mean, as of today, mom has been gone 3 months. So I have known she wouldn't be here for the event. But it's a new reality with the event actually being here.
This month has held a lot of "firsts" for me. First Easter, first mothers day, now the cancer walk and next week will be Joseph's birthday. It's a lot of emotion packed into a short period of time. It's exhausted me. Again, I say , grief is not something anyone can understand unless they themselves have walked the journey. And most people don't understand me right now. But that's ok. (At least I tell myself it's ok, but deep down, it's a tough thing to explain.) but I'm tired. Most of my grief is private. Though I post thoughts on here, I have a lot of moments alone that just wear me out. Not to mention the day to day things of life that are tiring, too. But as I call my post...I just take it one day at a time.
I will have a lot of friends coming out for the event tomorrow. And I have several who will be walking with me. One of my mom's all night nurses right before she passed will be there, too, and I look forward to seeing her. For not knowing someone,(such as this nurse) and having to walk such a painful journey in front of her, watching my mom pass into the hours, she has become a good friend. She was there in some of the hardest hours of my life, even if her presence was quiet. Others will be there-some who are just supportive....Kris,Rob,Janet,Sami,Mike,Judy,Kim....many who have been a strong support system for me. My team members will be there-Valerie,Kevin,Ryan,Jamie,Katie.....So it will be a lot of fun. A bittersweet time, most likely.
I will think of mom with every step i take. And I will likely talk about her a lot, too. Walking this journey of grief and losing mom is shaping me in new ways. Some ways I haven't figured out yet. Other ways are coming into a clearer picture.
So tomorrow I will press on through one more day, by God's strength alone.Trust me, I would not be making it through this day by day journey without Him. It will be tiring, but it will be fun, too. I'm sure it'll also be sad some moments. My mom was always my biggest cheerleader in life. I will miss her there tomorrow. But she's close in my heart. And hopefully I'm representing her well. I miss you, mom!! but I will keep fighting in your memory!