In case you haven't figured it out yet, change is one of the few constants you can count on in life.
Once, I was a huge planner. I'm seriously talking like months out I'd be planning crazy stuff. Or simple stuff.I'd say things like , "What are you going to do for ------" and it would be months out. It used to drive Michael crazy. He's a spur of the moment guy. Anyway, over the last 6 months of watching mom deteriorate and then pass, I learned great value in taking life one day at a time. I don't always succeed at it, but I am sure better at it than I used to be. In fact, when someone calls me and asks about birthdays or a holiday approaching, my answer is now, "I can't even think to the end of this week. I have no idea what to tell you about that day." What a role reversal for me. Of course, there is a balance to it all. Planning isn't bad. It's just I used to be excessive and when something didn't go as planned, don't even think about talking to me about it....the day was ruined. Like I said, I've come a long way with that. I'm still not crazy on plans changing, but I'm learning...just have to deal with it.
Anyway, what is spurring these thoughts today is that my day did not go at all as planned. See, even trying to live one day at a time, plans can still change. The long story short is that I was scheduled to work at 6:30, so I got up at 4:30 to run beforehand. Short version: I ended up opening and all plans of a run before work went down the drain. I could've been angry. That would've been me 6 months ago, honestly. I won't say I wasn't annoyed at all, because a tiny bit of me was, but I just laughed about it. In fact, I laughed out loud at myself even ! I was dressed in my running clothes still, in order to hurry up to open on time, and that was a bit awkward. I made a joke about it and moved on (and quickly got my work attire on.) And then I was kind of frenzied, looking for something, and I tripped over a bucket of water. I laughed really hard. It could have been awkward...but we laughed instead. And it became fun.
I do not like running after an 8 hour shift. Probably most people are tired after work. Duh. But I just get worn out. I get tired being on my feet sometimes and moving all the time and pleasing all the time. It's not bad-it's an aspect of my job. But I am tired when I am done. (And I'll be honest, I'm still a little bit drained physically from the emotions I had over mothers day.) So I don't enjoy running after a shift. Hence my being up early today to go before. BUT I needed the run, so I went out after work. Probably one of my worst ones ever because I was tired, but I still did it. I need it . Running is a part of me. It's part of working through my grief of losing mom. It's a bit of my identity. And it's one of the very few things I can claim as "mine." The sun felt good. And I was glad I did it. So, the day changed. But it didn't end. And it really wasn't all that bad. Just different than I'd planned. I'm learning to adjust to change because, like I said, change is a constant.
Not having mom is a huge change. One that will take me a long time to figure out and process. I made it through Easter, though. And now I've made it through mother's day. I'm not sure exactly how to adapt to this change. It's a constant ache. It doesn't just go away by saying "oh well, such is life." or "it's just one day, it'll be fine." It's a new, every day change. It's a change in childcare. It's a change in friendships. It's a change in my relationship with my dad, who is becoming more and more of a friend. It's a change in my outlook on life all together. It's a HUGE life change. Not just a minor, "can you do this differently?" change. It's definitly a "take one day at a time " change.
And so that's what I continue to do. I made it through the chaos of changing my plans for today.And I made it through the bittersweet sadness of mothers day. And now I will savor the quiet of this evening (after the kids are in bed, that is)
The good news is that this week I am in a wedding!!! It's chaotic, thrown between mothers day and my huge relay for life event coming up next week, but it's going to be fun. I plan on dancing. And laughing. And enjoying some girl time. Michael will join me the day of the wedding, but as there are festivities tomorrow and Friday, I will enjoy them. And savor those moments, too.
I want to share all about relay for life....it's a passion of mine. But it'll have to wait until tomorrow , I suppose. For now, I will go on with my day and see whtt else comes my way!