I have taken spills while running, but there's always been an explanation of sorts, no matter how dumb the fall was.
I caught my foot in a crack, or I stepped off the sidewalk onto the road and my foot rolled. And always, those spills I have taken while running were ones which occurred with no one around (usually because it's dark out when I run.)
But, I will admit to a first for me this week.... and then I'll tell you what it taught me.
I was walking in the store and fell. My foot didn't catch a crack. There was no wet floor signs or slippery areas (I know, because I wasn't alone and I was most certainly the only one who fell.) And no one pushed me or bumped into me. It wasn't my high heels I was wearing. I simply fell. And not really all that gracefully either.
I have a bruised knee to prove it... but I think it bruised my pride in that moment even more.
Falls are embarrassing. But that fall taught me a powerful lesson. I just didn't recognize it in that moment. I picked myself up, and kept going, like I do when I fall. But, I wasn't ready to laugh yet.
You see, I fight this need to prove to others around me all the time that I am good enough. I hear a negative word said, and it sticks with me for days, then I feel the need to prove that person wrong.
Or perhaps it's not a negative word, but an unspoken word, a person's action, that leads me to feel like I'm not good enough, and thus feel the need to prove that I am worthy of a good word.
Note the above statements...I...I... I... This could be called insecurity... it could also be called pride.
Because really, what I am doing, is rather than being comfortable in who I am and what I'm doing and confident in my abilities regardless of words said (or left unsaid), I am desperately trying to push a person to say something or notice something I'm doing so I can be affirmed. Pride.
But I think what that fall opened my eyes to was that I am even more so trying to prove to myself that I am capable, I am worthy.
Pride. A focus on oneself.
I am not designed to work for the praise of others, or even myself. I am designed to work for the praise of an audience of One. The One who matters. My Savior.
Everything I do is to bring Him glory. Not me. Not others. But Him. This applies to every area of life. I am to strive in that everything I do, whether it's eating or drinking or working or running or mothering or planning an event, to do so for His glory. (1 Corinthians 10:31)
It's not about what my family, my husband, my kids, my boss, my coworkers, or my best friends say about me... what matters in the end and in the scheme of life... is what He says about me. What God says. And He sees into my heart. And knows my motives and my deepest thoughts and desires.
It is said Pride comes before a fall... and I would say that to be true of my fall in the middle of the store.
I needed that fall to teach me a lesson. About pride. I would not have put myself in a prideful category, but anytime my focus is turned into me (and believe me, when I get stuck in my thoughts and head, the focus gets turned easily from others to me, and not really in the most positive fashion,) that is also a form of pride.
Taking that little (okay, kinda big) fall gave me a moment to soak that in. I needed that fall because I was having a hard time snapping out of those thoughts lately.
And that fall taught me to turn my thoughts in the right direction.
It also taught me to laugh at myself.
And laughing at myself is one more step in being comfortable with who I am.
I want to clarify by saying.... words of affirmation and praise of others is not a bad thing. But, in essence, sometimes I need to hear the words "You're tougher than that." or "Be a realist sometimes, Rachael..." in order to come around to the better thought process of accepting who I am regardless of words and making sure I have the right heart behind my actions.
And that I don't have to prove myself to others. I just need to be me.
Because being me is awesome.
And I live to do everything for His glory, not mine. An audience of One.
One day at a time.