As I sit here, deciding which topic to write about today, my mind is swirling in circles. So many topics, so many aspects of life in which I am growing right now, it can be overwhelming. What to share??
So, this week, if I can find the space to do so, I will do my best to write a little bit of everything. Good things. Hard lessons. Dreams growing. Friendships changing. Life moving. Kids growing. God shaping.
It's Sunday evening. 6:18 pm.
It has been very hot today, with the sun blazing down on the world around me. But currently, the wind is blowing, the thunder is heard in the distance, and the lighting is beginning to flash. A storm is rolling in.
I love thunderstorms. I love the feel. I love the smell. I love the sound. I love how they change in an instant.
It was a hot day, now turned pleasantly cool with the storm.
Storms can be beautiful.
Storms also can be devastating.
Sometimes it depends on the perspective. Other times it depends on the circumstance and the weather and the time as to what that storm will do.
Isn't life just like that??
A storm rolls in, sometimes too quickly- maybe that storm is change; maybe that storm is hardship in marriage; maybe the storm is a job loss; maybe that storm is losing a loved one. Regardless of what the "storm" looks like, as it comes in to life, it can beautiful, if we allow it. Or it can be devastating. Sometimes it depends on my perspective.
When I allow God into the storm, when I allow myself to see Him, that storm has a purpose. Just like we need the water to help our grass grow and trees to thrive, I need a storm- a change- an event to rock my world- to draw me nearer to Him. I need a storm to see Him in new ways so I can grow more mature.
The storms have been, at times, more gentle. Other storms have been devastating. Looking back, some of those devastating storms were out of my control. Some were not. Yet, my responses could have been different. But God has taken those storms to mold me into a more beautiful creation, whether I thought I needed it or not. And I am so glad, even though it was like a tornado picking up a house and moving it, that He has changed me in the process.
Changed me to see Him.
Changed me to love deeper.
Changed me to pray harder.
Changed me to think clearer.
Changed me to extend grace.
Remember my recent post about grace? One thought I've had since writing that is that I never truly understood grace in the real sense it is, until I had to truly experience it. Experiencing grace is beautiful and painful all in one. But in experiencing it, I came to understand the depth of what God does for me every time He extends grace. I came to understand the importance and the definition of what it is to show another person grace. True Grace. Be grace.
And like a storm and how it changes with seasons, I have come to see grief and how it changes with seasons as well. I first began this blog when i first said goodbye to mom. In looking back on some of those posts, I see how far God has brought me from the depths of grieving despair. Dark places. I hope you can see it, too. It has been quite the journey.
Now, I live in light. I understand death more. I know how to let go better. I have learned through that storm and, hindsight, it has allowed new growth to bloom. It doesn't mean I don't still grieve- that grief just looks different. In fact, lately, I have missed my mom with a deeper sadness than I have in a very long time. Yet, that grief I feel looks different than it did 2 years ago. I have felt the pain of not having my mom here as my daughter grows up, and the pain of the realization that mom will not be here for any more monumental moments. And that has brought more sadness than I have experienced in a long time.
Yet, God is faithful. I may not have my mom, but I know what she would be here saying. I also am so thankful for a few gifts of wonderful women God has placed in my life. Women who have helped me along the way. A ray of sunshine through the storm.
The thoughts are swirling around me, much like the trees' branches whipping in the wind.
I want to write. I want to share, I want to allow the cracks of vulnerability open a little more so God can use me, somehow, some way.
So this week I will come to you and share a little more. A little more about dreams. A little more about grace. A little more of my story- and yet, not my story, but God's. I am simply the vessel.
The storm is drawing near. The thunder is louder. The storm is coming.
But I will wait to see what beauty it might bring with it.
It is true in life; it is true in nature. After the rain, we will see the sun.
One day at a time.