Sometimes my fingers fly across the keys with thoughts that are overflowing from my heart. Other times, there seems to be a mental block of sorts..difficulty finding the words that I want to use to express what's in my heart.
It has been a long week for me, and one which I am sifting through my emotions a little each day. This week, our family experienced our first encounter with death since my mom passed away. Death is never an easy event to face, but it is as much a part of life as life itself. I have concluded it doesn't matter how old or how young the person is. It doesn't matter if the death is expected or unexpected. Going through saying goodbye to one you love is just not a fun experience.
It took me a very long time to cme out of my grief fog. (Ask anyone who was with me through the whole process). But the last week I have had to keep myself from falling back into those emotions again. And that is something that not everyone has been able to understand...hence, I write.
Michael's grandma passed away on Wednesday. This was something we were expecting, and she had a very long, good life. So in a lot of aspects, it can be said that it was her time and she is no longer suffering. However, a goodbye is still painful, no matter the case. As I sat and listened to them talk about funeral arrangements and flowers and funeral homes, I flashbacked in some serious ways and was very stuck inside my mind for a few days. Those details don't just go away, and this week they were revived. And communicating those emotions has been difficult. I feel the pain of a person grieving in all new ways....especially the pain of someone grieving the loss of their mom. I remembered sitting in the funeral parlor discussing all the flowers we were getting for mom's casket; I remembered discussing the the details of times and placement and what mom would be wearing. I remembered standing under the tent at the graveside, snowflakes falling, shivering almost, and my heels sinking into the mushy ground, saying one final goodbye to mom and choosing my rose from her spray of flowers to keep with me. I was sad to say goodbye to grandma; I felt like I was taken back in time somehow too. I'm not sure that every encounter with death will be like this, but being the first one since, it has been a greif experience I was not expecting. I have spent a lot of time reflecting, remembering, and finding joy in the midst of pain the last few days. I have been on quite a journey the last 2 years, but God has brought me so much closer to Him and so much further away from yucky places I once was. For that....that is my grateful thought the most for this week. I don't have to grieve every day, because I do have a hope like others do not. I do have a joy many do not. And though I still can be sad and cry over the emotions, I am grateful....so very grateful....for how far God has brought me even in the last few months. So on a happy note to end what has been a more serious blog, I share some thoughts for which I have been very grateful this week:
1. God bringing me out of the pit of despair of grief and yucky emotions to a newfound hope and joy that reaches a differnt level, every day, one day at a time.
2. Learning new things about what I enjoy. In a silly quiz type thing I took this week (it was sort of an introspective type quiz) I recognzied just how much I love to write. I am tweaking it all the time. I write best when I am being the most real. But I love to write. And I love to run. ( I am working on organizing the 2nd 5K in memory of my mom to take place in October.) I love to read-it's rare, but I have a book and 2 magazines going right now because I have been enjoying that so much. And I love to laugh. And be with my family. I love to be outdoors.
3. I am thankful for many a customer who have brought on many conversations and even many laughs. This week, I was blessed with a birthday gift from a group of some of my favorite traveling friends. I was quite surprised by this, and it really blessed me in the midst of a tough week, and none of them even knew it. I have been enjoying reading the magazine I got from them.
4. My dad. In the midst of his busy life and work, called us up and invited us out to dinner last night, knowing michael was out of town.
5. Our new church. We have not been there very long at all, and in the midst of the chaos of this week and trying to scramble for childcare, the pastor's wife came to the rescue and offered her services. Not only was that a huge help, but our kids have bonded with theirs, which is also a neat thing to watch happening. Then the pastor helped us find extra sitters for the other days. We are beginning to call it our new home.
Simple things, but big things. And finding these blessings hasn't always been easy this week. But God is always doing that, I just have to look. so, we keep pressing on...one day at a time.