Friday, June 20, 2014

Why I write

While it is unnecessary to explain myself about why I write, I have adopted new readers over the course of the last few months, and so I want to retreat back into time to share from the depths of my heart why I write; why this blog came into existence.
   The title of my web address - java jogger- stemmed from pushing two of my loves (and in part, a piece of my identity) into one space- coffee and running. These two worlds have coincidentally also played huge parts of shaping who I am.  The coffee industry helped shape me through experiences and interactions with people. Not to mention, I love a good cup of coffee.  The jogger... well, running has become a big part of my life. To get up and run is to start my day off on the right foot. I love to be outside, pounding pavement, taking in the different atmospheres of the day. But running also became one of the first things I said "I could never do that" and was turned into something I thrive when I do. running became a significant marker for me in teaching me I can be more than I ever imagined. Running helped get me through mom's death, and even helped shape an event to be done in her memory. Running is now even an aspect of my career life. These two words - Java Jogger- have become symbolic for me in more than one way.
   And the title "One day at a time" is also a significant marker of a moment for me. When my mom was in her last months, I spent countless moments worrying if it were my last day with her. So many times I can recall thinking "this is it...." and essentially wasting away the moment because I was so concerned it was the last. One day, as mom was bedridden, and I was next to her side, this concept really hit me. I realized how much of a beautiful moment I was wasting because I was so overwhelmed by thinking about what was about to happen. Instead of embracing THAT day, I was fretting over the day mom would no longer be there. And in that moment, I realized how important enjoying each day, one day at a time, really was. Hence the titles of my blog.
   I have often been asked what I write and why. If you've followed for a while, you understand I really don't have a rhythm to my writing. I cover kind of whatever is in my heart and mind. While my blog started as a place to express the depths of my emotions and grief over losing mom, time has evolved that into being real about struggles i face like depression and anxiety and insecurity. I share my running journey and I share my coffee shop journey. Again, two worlds colliding  .
 I write to understand. When I write, it helps me process whatever life lesson I am experiencing or whatever struggle I am facing. Writing brings some sense of understanding to the moment for me. And perhaps  (as is my hope) my writing will lend someone else a new light into a world they struggle to understand themselves. Perhaps my being real will help someone else be real. I write to understand as much as to be understood. They go hand in hand.  
 At times I have been judged for the openness of my heart in my blog. It unpeels some of my hidden layers at times. But to those I say, Scars tell a story. Everyone has scars, which mean everyone has a story. If you see a person who has a large scar on their body, it is often wondered what happened or why its there. For me, emotional scars tell a story as well. Not all scars are visible, yet they are noticeable in a persons spirit. You may never have guessed I battle depression if I didn't share it here. But that is the beauty of sharing. When I am open about the struggle, I can not only grasp it a little better myself, but others can read and see there can be healing and joy found in the midst of those battles.
 And these are the reasons I write. Because I love it. But also because it brings understanding and reason to events and circumstances. Because being real is beautiful.
 Coffee and Running (Java Jogger). In one sense, my jobs and career. But in another sense, so much more depth and life have come from those two words colliding for my life.
 One day at a time... it doesn't mean I don't/can't plan. It just means I have grasped an understanding of the beauty of that concept.
      And so I will continue to share and to day at at a time.

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