Thursday, June 14, 2012

New Days

Wow, it's been a long time since I have written a blog. The last month has been very busy, chaotic, stressful, full, and eye opening. I won't even try to cover it, but I will say I set out now to write once a week. The blog may sound a bit more ramble like, as life lessons aren't as focused around grief any more (which is a good thing), but there are more than enough life lessons to be writing about. So here goes...a new page. A new day. A new blog. I've missed it, really.

 I am still running. But my runs are different these days. I have decided to scale back on life just a tad bit...for now. I need to refocus my self, put back the priorities that got out of place. I have never focused on speed in my running...I have always been a distance runner. So in my recent life evaluations, I decided for about 6 months, I'd like to give speed a shot. I have no idea how this is going to go. I am scared to post my goals here....and yet, I have that "problem" of making goals, so I may as well share what I'm aiming towards. Distance running is amazing-there is nothing like saying " I ran 10 miles today" or more! But it does take a lot of time; and it takes sacrifice from the entire family really. So in evaluation, I have decided to take a little bit of time and focus on speed. I want to run a 5K (3.1 miles) in 28 minutes. My best time with that mileage is 31 minutes. And that was at my lowest weight 2.5 years ago. So I am rather excited about this. I love to run...and for a little bit of time, it takes on a new flare. I will go back to distance running, because I think that is my passion, even though not necessarily my strength, but for now, this is fun. I take one day a week to do speed workouts, one for a tempo run, and one for a bit more longer distance. I'll keep you posted on how this goes. My body wanted to know what I was marine corp brother calls it oxygen deprivation. And somewhere along the line of crazy, i call it fun. I call it my piece of peace. I feel it in my bones when I need a run.

In other aspects of life, I still miss my mom like crazy. Some days lately I have longed to talk to her face to face, to hear her voice, to feel her hugs and to be close to her. That feeling may never disappear, I have discovered. But there is a new way of going about things...and that is trudging through them. I am not grieving any more, per say. The aspect of that has changed. I have learned a lot....made more mistakes than I'm ready to admit here for everyone, in the process of grief ....have opened my eyes to God in all new ways...and have an even deeper respect and love for my mom than I ever did before.  As a wife and as a mom. And in looking through the lens a little closer, I have seen how much more I want to be like her, how far I am from being that, and what I need to do to work on that. Mom would say I should look to be like Christ, not her.  And I am. But mom was a shining example of how to do that in a wife/mother role, and I am striving to do some of those things as well.

My kids are growing like weeds, right before my eyes. One day , I had this stop in my tracks thought: "oh my goodness...I am wasting time with them." And I began to readjust some things. I am tired a lot, yes. And there are a lot of things going on...always... But there are also distractions I can eliminate and get outside and jump on the trampoline with them, or push them on the tire swing, or play petshops and nerf guns. I was wasting so much time doing other stupid things, it's nice to be free of those for now. One day I may go back to some, but for this summer, I am enjoying watching them laugh and play. And let's be honest, I am also frustrated at moments breaking up fights and sending them to their rooms until can agree. But the point is, I am enjoying moments as a mom.

Let me be heartfelt honest with you: in the last 2 years of watching mom's health fail, and mom die, I lost part of myself. I fell into stupid mindsets sometimes, I let my heart be hard at times, I missed good conversations with my kids and loving moments with my husband. Now that I am past some of this, God is opening my eyes daily to Himself. To little moments. To my kids, and how to be their mom fully. To my husband and how to better meet his needs. LIfe has a new beginning right now. Literally. I functioned, I laughed and smiled and was still present in the last year....but I also was in a fog. One which clouded my vision and changed life. God is brining some true healing these days. Joy my mom would be pleased to see. Joy God has wanted me to embrace all along. I am learning who true friends are now and who's not. I am learning what trust so many definitions. I am learning the true meaning of 1 Cor 13: love is patient, love is kind, love is unending. And my blog title "one day at a time" continues to hold depth in my life very much. I have an incredible husband. And 2 beautiful kids. A wonderful dad, who loves unconditionally and who I am so thankful for. I have a great job. I have some neat friends. I have health. I have God. What more do I need? I will miss my mom forever. and you will hear my thoughts on this still. But's a new chapter of joy these days. Joy does not come without pain....just as  a rainbow does not come without rain.  And He is showing me so much. Every day. One day at a time. My new anthem is:
 Isaiah 40:31: "But those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they will rise up on wings like eagles and soar. They will run and not grow weary , walk and not grow faint."

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