I didn't realize how difficult it would be to find the little blessing throughout a day. It's a different life view, and I picked a heck of a week to try to begin this new habit. It's not a heck of a week because of anything really crazy happening, just a heck of a week because I have really kind of been an emotional disaster. Though it's more inwardly, and many people don't really see it, it's there. I start out pretty well, but by the end of the day, it's bleeding out. In ways I don't really like. Ways I will control better tomorrow. I have these thought provoking conversations often with a friend. Each time, something is said that usually makes me think about something in my life. I'd like to think I do the same in the conversations, but I'm not sure if I do. The conversations are not long, but they are real. We have pretty different views on some things in life, but when it boils down to it, that doesn't matter. What matters is we hear each other out. It's meaningful. Today it's left me thinking about some things. So here are some of my thoughts...
1. I am diagnosed as clinically depressed, but it does not control me. Some days it is stronger than others, yes. Some days the emotions are harder to fight. But my life is not my own anyway, so the battle is not mine to fight. When I allow God to fight the battle for me, the victories are greater. The war is still difficult, but He wins...even if that means medication is a means in helping me win it. so my blessing from that that I thought of today? :
-I am thankful that He is on my side. And I am thankful that I don't have the "curl up in bed and hide from the world" type of depression. and I have a great hope that one day I will overcome it totally.
2. There will always be people in life who talk bad about me or don't like me. I am a people pleaser so not dwelling on those things is really hard sometimes. However, God has called me to a different standard. And I need to live in that. And that is living for Him. If I am following Him and giving my all and doing all that I do to His glory (1 Cor 10:31) then that is all that matters. So often I measure myself on a human yard stick-am I at a low notch or a high? Am I liked or not? Am I pretty? Fat? Funny? ...or am I hated for my openness? am I disliked because of wrong things I've done? am I disliked because I don't work fast enough or because I work harder than some? ...it's a slippery slope to go down. We as humans are always doing this . I can always be better...I just have to keep my eyes on the right prize. Comparison is a scary place to go, but I do it often. So my blessing from this thought?
-I am thankful for my work ethics that both my mom and dad taught me and for my job. I am thankful for my true friends. I am thankful that I am loved with an unending love from God...there is nothing that will ever compare to that. He sees me as His, as beautiful when I am following Him, as gifted (even when I don't feel like I am)...and the list goes on and on. And so my human yard stick....trash. I am on God's yard stick. I just have to remember that.
Healing is a long process. There is healing after a loved one dies. There is healing after saying goodbyes when you move. There is healing after honesty. There is healing in moving forward. There is healing in resting in God. There is healing in forgiveness. Today, I am thankful for healing. All things that need healing leave scars: marks on life that will never go away, but will always tell a story. It's up to each person how the scars are left: hidden or covered up. Little by little, God can use those scars. But one has to be willing. my blessing thought from all this? God heals. So my blessings today were harder to find, but they were there. Most were found after some deeper thought: they weren't ones staring me in the face. This process of allowing myself to see blessings is more challenging than I thought.
Instead of "i'm tired" I'll say...I'm so glad I'm alive!
instead of being irritated by those annoying people, I'll take joy in the pleasant ones.
Instead of caring about the bad things said about me, I'll rest in what God says about me.
Instaed of being irritated about what didn't get done, I'll be happy about what did.
It's SO much easier to say than to do. But it's a learning process, one day at a time.