However, through the lessons and the growth, I have found my own definition of the way this looks. I have been under leaders who have barked orders and everyone just does the tasks because it is their duty. I have been under leaders who have felt they deserved the respect, and didn't earn it - those were hard circumstances. I have been under great leaders who took time to listen, mentor, ask me questions and learn me for who I was and guide me in such a way that I could begin to find my own way through the process of being a leader. And I have had leaders who were a little scattered, unsure and yet still in charge, leaving me in a place of having to give respect, even if I didn't feel it in my heart.
Through the variety of leaders I have had in my days, I have begun to find my own way of being a leader. I believe in team unity. I believe in celebrating others' accomplishments. I believe in leading alongside a person and not leaving them out to figure it all on their own, only to find they were so lost that nothing was done. I believe in being in the trenches with the persons, not ahead of them just because of being a leader.
What I believe is really neither here nor there to anyone reading this blog. This blog helps me work through my own thoughts and if it helps another person in the process, then I am very happy for that. I have come to have a strong belief in who I want to be as leader, but with a willingness to continue reshaping that as circumstances or people change. But I want to get real for a moment.
Getting real and vulnerable at times is risky. However, I also find value in that as a leader. Genuine vulnerability at times is a way that I believe people can relate and find comfort and trust. And trust is essential as a leader. So, let me get real for a moment.
I've been put into a place of being more of a leader in the recent months. With that has come challenges I had never had to face. With that, came shifting friendships that have been hard for me to accept. I promoted within my office, and I didn't fully realize some of the difficulties that would produce. While there has been a great acceptance to that, it has also come with resistance. And that resistance has been hard for me to adjust to and understand.
I love to understand people, to relate to them, to help them. However, I am also learning that, in this particular circumstance, being a leader does mean guiding, having tough conversations, being real... but it also means accepting a situation for what it is and moving forward, regardless of the other person's choice. And that is hard for me.
I want to pull that person alongside me. i want the team effort to flow effortlessly like it did before. But I cannot change another person. I can only change me. I can learn from yet another obstacle and work my way through navigating it and become a stronger leader because of it.
I am a people pleaser by nature, but learning how to have hard conversations is part of being a leader. I learned through one leader who did not like having those hard conversations the importance of them, whether I like it or not. And now I am having to practice that. And it stinks. But it is pushing me in my growth and shaping me into a stronger person for the experience.
yesterday as I faced yet another hard moment in the circumstance with this person, I literally wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because the one person who had always been my support (there) has become the exact opposite of that. I wanted to cry because that person, and those who surround that person, now seemingly dislike me. And I have done nothing to deserve that. I have simply been me. I worked hard. I learned. I cried. I laughed. And I pushed my way through some times that were incredibly challenging... and I grew through those. I sought mentorship. And those mentors pushed me, helped me see myself in new ways and I took those and let those truths grow me and through that, I believe, I was able to be in a place of promoting.
But back to the circumstance. It has been a challenge. And yesterday I found myself saying a truth that leads me to this blog today. When I finished yet another difficult conversation with this person, as frustrated as I felt. I landed on a statement in my mind.
At first I said: I don't deserve this behavior. I've done nothing but help and love in a time I could have responded very differently. And yet I'm being rejected in a sense. And it hurts. I felt rejected.
But then I had a Truth moment: So did Jesus.
Jesus said we would face trouble in the world. He said we would be rejected. He said we would face times like that. And while I am not being rejected directly because of my faith, neither was Jesus always rejected for those reasons.
Jesus loved. Jesus healed. Jesus was not always loud, but often times did His leading in a quiet way, alongside his disciples. Jesus did not abandon any of them.
But Jesus was rejected. He was rejected by Judas, betrayed by Judas, his very own disciple. And that hit me hard yesterday.
Being a leader has challenges. It also brings growth and beauty. There will be moments of rejection from others from disagreeing moments. There will also be new bonds formed. I feel I have many lessons to learn along this path and plenty of growth ahead of me. But I am looking forward to the journey. Leadership is scary. However, it is also quite exciting. I can't wait to see what this year will bring... one day at a time.
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