Just Write....

One of my best friends asked me yesterday if everything was ok with me because I had not blogged for a little bit.

 The answer is yes. 

  The problem is that every time I sit to write, the words feel too vulnerable, or perhaps things that others may not want to hear. So it causes me to hesitate and leave a blank page, aka- no blog postings.

 So, tonight I will just sit and spill words onto the pages. You can pretend I am writing you a letter, if you wish. Maybe it's just a way of getting the emotions out as I process them. I am a thinker and an analyzer, always trying to understand why I feel what I do and grow from that discovery. The discoveries have been too raw lately, so it's been hard to post about them.

  But, as many writers discovered through the ages, writing to be real often times pans out to be the best works they have ever shared.

The thoughts may sound a little all over the place, but here are some of the ramblings inside my head in recent days..... 

 I am discovering that one of the best "yes" answers I have given thus far in my life is to go back to school. I have been asked by many what that is all about at age 33, especially when I have a job that I really love. The answer, quite honestly, gets a little lengthy, like many of my responses do. But, in short, when I was in high school, I always had a passion for Spanish. I picked it up pretty well and I loved using it. I had always said I was going to use that for missions, one way or another, and I would go get my degree in it. Well, my life path changed and I did not follow those desires. I was given many blessings and new passions and gifts along the way, but the enjoyment of the language never left me. 

 When I went to Colombia and was able to use it again, I knew without a single doubt, that I was supposed to pursue that path, the one I had dismissed more out of neglect than anything else. Saying yes to that journey, knowing God was asking that of me, was and is a challenge. I know many people go back to school at even older ages than what I am. However, many factors play into my pursuit. I do not always have a cheerleader fearlessly telling me to go for it; I rely on God to constantly confirm my desire. I don't always feel like doing the work, but the efforts are paying off. The path is going to be a very long traveled one, so if I dwell upon it, I am intimidated. And as with anything, the doubts do creep in. 

 But then something beautiful happens. I am reminded that yes, this is the path for me, to pursue becoming a translator. Last week I received the beautiful reminder through a phone call that came from Colombia. I was absolutely elated to hear "my" teenagers' voice on the other end.

They had one of our own teams there again and had access to a phone and they called me. I cannot tell you what that did for my heart, because it was one of those experiences that leave me at a lack for words. 

 It was also a confirmation on  a day I really needed it to keep going. 

  I got off the phone and I smiled ear to ear. And then I cried, too. In part, because my heart strings were pulled for that little village even harder once again. In part because I was humbled they called me. And in part, because it was yet again an answer to prayer. I didn't expect the answer through a phone call, but God always surprises me. 

 So, those of you who have wondered why I am going back to school, now you know. This isn't a random choice; this is a choice that was placed in my path years ago, but I am now choosing to walk in it, one step at a time.  Maybe God will ask me to put it on hold again, I don't really know. I just have learned that the best "yes" answers are the ones that call us to be obedient to His ways, and He made this one very clear to me. 

 I have wrestled through some really tough emotional days the last few months. This is also a topic really hard to discuss. It's not because I am embarrassed by the topic, it's more because it's still a taboo topic at times in society. Depression darkens my door more often that I care to admit. It steals my happy thoughts and it battles its own way to making me believe I am not good enough. Many factors play into this, and the more I analyze it, the more I recognize them. But recognition does not always mean I can conquer them. More often than not, I have to learn how to fight through them. And fight is what I do. It's a silent battle, one often unnoticed by most around me. Not because I won't talk about it, but more so because the statements people offer in return make me more frustrated. Words like "just don't think about it" or "just let it go" or even words like "you have mental issues" (duh... lol... I fight depression, which is a mental issue!) cause me to pause in my vulnerability. 

 I don't like that this is part of my story, but I will tell you this: I accept it. The verse in 2 Corinthians has come to mean a very great deal to me. It says "My grace is sufficient for you. For my strength is made perfect in your weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ can work through me."  

   So, I shouldn't be quiet and sit on the topic quite as often as I do. Because it's totally amazing to me the victories God gives me every day, in spite of this weakness, this mental issue, that I battle. I have an amazing family. I have a wonderful job. I am healthy physically. I am growing spiritually. I am blessed with provision for all my needs. In spite of the intense struggles I face on a daily basis, I am blessed. Because HE is my strength. 

 I don't have to love the battle to acknowledge it. I don't have to love the battle to accept it. I just have to embrace the One who fights it for me, and is my strength. Some would tell me I should be more spiritual and it will go away. Others will say to just not dwell on life. There are hundreds of statements that get thrown around about the issue.  But honestly, I am at a place of accepting it and talking about it more lately. 

 It's exhausting. It's heartbreaking. It's frustrating. And it's challenging. 

But He fights it with me. And that is all I need to know and hang on to every day.

  I have re-geared myself in fitness a little bit lately. My brother and I have challenged each other to a few different things, and we are having a good time connecting over those challenges, talking about them and analyzing them. I'm still loving the TRX and the running, too, of course, but now it's the eating healthy part that's being shifted. It's amazing what a determined mindset can do. Truly it's 90% a mental battle to eat the right foods, to tell myself I can. I don't care about the scale (well, maybe a little, but really, I care about being healthy). Feeling healthy physically helps me mentally and emotionally as well. The mindset is much of the battle. I don't talk about it much really (well, except the fact that I'm putting it out here for anyone to read it!). I more just want to do it. It's not about others, it's about me. And taking care of me.

  Our family recently had a very nice vacation. I got to experience some firsts:
    Paddle boarding and kayaking. If you know me well, you know I honestly have a fear of the water. I don't swim well. So, getting on this paddle board and standing up on it and paddling into the middle of the lake was quite frightening for me. But I absolutely loved it! And every time I try new things, I may not love all of them, but I feel accomplished because I didn't give up or quit of stand back in fear. I tried it. I've come a long way in that department, and I am quite thankful for that.It was also a lot of fun because my son did it with me.

  I also got to reconnect with a very dear friend again. It'd been 11 years since we last were together. She was in our wedding. I was in hers. And we picked right up where left off, never skipping a beat. It takes a special friendship to be that way.

 So, that's a lot of random thoughts, but some blogs are just needing to be like that.

 God is good, all the time. And I will keep fighting, growing, learning and striving to be a better mom, wife and a better me every day. One day at a time.