Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Lack of words

The past many days I have sat in front of my computer and started a blog, only to get a few words into it and feel deflated at the lack of purposeful words.
   I had my annual huge event last weekend, the 5K in remembrance of mom, and usually after that event, my heart is full and bursting to share the excitement and God moments of the event. I felt that the day of the 5K this year, as always, but when I sat to write, nothing flowed from me.
  Then I spent and entire day in nature, and while I walked, the words I wanted to share danced through my mind, just as the trees danced in the wind all around me. And yet, as I sat to write about those moments and what God was speaking to me, the words were once again falling flat.
  I write because it helps me understand, as much as I write for others to perhaps learn from my mistakes and lessons and joys as well.
  When I draw blanks in my words, I find that to be a rarity, and even a frustrating scenario for me.
And then I realize, perhaps God is asking me to be quiet for a little bit. Perhaps He wants me to hear Him and only Him and to drown out even my own thoughts for a bit.
 If you don't know me, I am a thinker. I am the one who will ask random questions to my friends because I think of them and want to know the answers about those around me. I am a thinker, and at times, that can get me in trouble because I will overthink a scenario, instead of following my initial God given feeling of what the correct response is. I tend to hear a conversation or a piece of advice and say "Let me think about that...."
 Thinking is not a bad characteristic; it certainly can even have its benefits. But sometimes, thinking is not always the best attribute.
 I can think on hurtful words said to me rather than positive ones, leading me to great insecurity.
    I can think on sinful actions rather than God's grace bestowed on us all.
       I can think about what I want, instead of what's right in front of me already.
I chuckle as I write this because I realize just how much I am thinking about what I should write!
As I walked through nature the other day, I didn't have to really think because God's voice spoke clearly to me all around me
  His voice was...
- in the whispering winds, whipping around on my skin
  - Tickling my face as the leaves fell around me gently
    - Blaring His presence all around through the blazing colors of orange, yellow and red on the trees
- heard in the crunch of the leaves under my feet on the trails
   - seen in the intricate details of the squirrels, chipmunks, bunnies and birds, pretending I wasn't there, but ever aware that I was
   - felt in the warm rays of sunshine, followed by the slight breeze
- seen in the bending branches of fall

God is all around me. Around You. He is telling me constantly that I am intricately, beautifully and wonderfully made. He is telling me He is guiding me and right next to me, no matter what. He is telling me that He is always good, no matter the circumstance of life. He forgives and loves and I am redeemed. He is shouting to me that He has given me gifts that are to be used and not sat upon. He loves me. Just. As. I . Am.
  Look around you today. You don't have to stop and think about it. You just have to listen and look at times. Perhaps it's in another's smile. Perhaps in creation. Perhaps in the fall day or in even in the dreary rain (which is at times a common day here in Ohio right now).
  I may not have the perfect, profound words to share all the time. But that's ok. I don't always have to. Because sometimes, God just wants to be the words, and wants me to listen.  And really, His words and beauty speak far more than I am ever capable of doing myself.
 Sometimes, God tells me to just stop thinking and talking and just listen. He's all around, I just have to get out of myself and He speaks volumes. Only when He speaks to me, can He be spoken through me. One day at a time.


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