2012

Well, it is a new year, and this is my first blog for 2012. I'm not totally sure what all my blog will hold this year, but I have decided to keep up with it, as I really enjoy it. I'm sure it'll still be a grief outlet for me, as well as other things.
 The last time I wrote, I fully intended to follow that blog with more thoughts on what I learned in 2011 and how that year changed my life. Now as we are 2 weeks into a new year, I really just want to move forward. It's not to say that 2011 lessons weren't important, because they really were. But I am working hard to make some positive changes in my life and I am ready to focus on some of those things.
 I sort of gave up on the words "New Years Resolutions" many years ago. I am a goal setter, if you haven't figured that out. But I used to set my goals so big and too high and then get frustrated when I couldn't meet those. So this year, rather than really set resolutions, I set 2 main goals to accomplish. Things I feel are reasonable. And in so doing, each one really encompasses more, but I'm not putting it down in bullet points in blood to stick to! I wasn't going to put it out there for everyone to know, but ...it kind of happens anyway,so I may as well blog about it.
 I have decided to run a full marathon-FOR REAL! I know I said that before, but I was really not in the right mind at that point (and it's really debatable if I am now, but that's beside the point). I have pulled up  a training plan and I am following it well so far. And I am really excited about it. Training plans are hard for my life, with everything else that goes on, but it is good,too. 4 a.m. is really becoming my new wake up time.  There are some days when that is tough, but I feel so much better doing it. Not every run is a great run, but that's ok and normal even. I am really excited to be setting out to do this. It is another piece of my journey in discovering myself some more and yes, still helps me to process my grief. I do still carry that conversation with me that mom and I had about my doing a full marathon. When that day comes May 6, she will be with me every step of the way still. In my every thought. The marathon journey holds that in it as well. I also have a friend doing this with me. I've never had a friend doing  a race with me every step of the way. We don't get to train together all the time, but we try to once a week. She has been a friend for many years, and we have both gone through some major life changes in the last year. we are both doing this run for ourselves-not for anyone else or for weight loss or to win any great times. We are doing this to move forward in our journey of healing. Ecclesiastes says 2 are better than 1-and I believe that can apply to more than one thing. Running included. Life's painful circumstances especially. Healing. It's a blessing and a privilege to be doing this with her.
 The second goal I have is to go back to school. (Okay, to go to school really for the first time.) I have always wanted to go back to college. I have been saying that for 2 years I would be going back. This is the year, and it is going to happen for real-this time I am determined. I finally really know what I want to do-I want to be an occupational therapist. It will probably take me years to accomplish this. But I have to start somewhere. And so the goal is to start with my gen. eds. in the spring. I'm going to begin this finally.

I have come a long way in my grief journey. I still hurt. And I still cry. But I also laugh more now. there are some monumental days to come in the months ahead. but I am going to continue just taking one day at a time. And trying to follow God each step of the way. And try to better myself each day. And try to be the best I can each day. One day at a time. i will say that 2011 really taught me that. Each day has value. I have a problem of worrying-it's always been a struggle of mine. But if I take one day at a time, it helps that a lot. If I learn to put God in each moment, it makes a world of difference. Is it always easy?? Oh, no way. But I am working on it. Not as a goal  or a resolution, but just as doing what God has called me to do-follow Him and trust Him.  Mom's life verse was Proverbs 3:5-6. I may have shared that in a previous blog, I really can't remember. But it seems appropriate right now, so I will share again. It's a verse I've heard my entire life. But it's become so . much. more . real.
 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."
 or as the message version puts it: "Trust God form the bottom of your heart;don't try to figure out everything on your own. LIsten for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go.He's the one who will keep you on track."
Truer words have never been written. Mom lived this. I want to as well. One day at a time.