Saturday, December 31, 2011


It is the last day of 2011, and lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on this year. It's really been a heavy year, so I have a lot of rambling thoughts to share. I have experienced some very high highs and the most extreme lows of my life in 2011. I am going to try to capture it into words as best as possible.
 I had the conversation with just about every one of my co workers this week as to what the best moment of their life and the worst moment of their life and the most memorable moment of their life was in this year. IN asking that, I of course thought about the same for myself. I will share those and then I will go into much more depth.
 The worst moment is probably obvious to anyone and that was losing my mom.
 The best moment of 2011 would be getting my new job with Guckenheimer. I absolutely love it there and I am so happy that I have that job. Getting a house is also one of the best things.
 The most memorable moment is hard to say....but one that sticks out very strongly is the last time my mom told me she loved me. I can see where we were sitting and even what she was wearing. I remember it specifically because we never knew if we'd hear her talk again. So to hear her tell me again that she loved me ...that was a moment I marked in time. Knowing that there would be a chance I'd never hear it again.
 Those are a few of the "big" things to share. 2011 is a year that will never be forgotten, for so many reasons. I made some new friends, who've become some of the closest to me. I discovered through thousands of changes this year who my true friends are. I've learned new things about me and what priorities are. I have discovered newfound passions and abilities. I have cried more than any year ever, and I have experienced awful anxiety attacks. I have hit rock bottom emotionally and been lifted up by my Savior-the only One who could truly carry me through such hard times. I have learned to laugh at myself and the silly things I do. I have bonded in new ways with my family. I have experienced God's love and patience in all new ways. I have a new longing for heaven. I had to say goodbye to my best friend-my mom.
  In saying goodbye to my mom, I learned depths of pain I'd never experienced. Watching mom die was the hardest experience I've ever had to face. I will continue blogging through this process, as we still haven't reached a year mark yet. But grief has been a crazy experience. It is quite private, really, most of the time. I choose to share pieces of it here, but most of my tears and sadness are experienced alone. As painful as it has been, I have learned to cling to God in new ways. I can't say I totally understand why He took mom, but it's not my place to understand it. I have learned to lean on Him through it. I have learned to become vulnerable. I have learned that there are others I can help because of going through this myself. He uses the bad for the good, if I choose to let Him. Losing mom has pushed my passion harder to fight cancer. We started a 5K in mom's memory to raise funds for a scholarship in her name, and that was a way to carry mom out still, and also a great experience in 2011. Being the worst experience saying goodbye to mom, she will forever be in my heart and I hope will live out through my life in little ways. My mom was amazing-I can only hope to be half the mom she was. I cry still. Mom was my biggest encourager in life, so it is so hard not having her here , especially when I need that support. But...God is faithful and teaching me to lean harder on Him when I need that encouragement.
 The best thing being getting a job at Guckenheimer has been the best thing for a thousand reasons. I love my job. It is not stressful at all (usually.only on a few occasions has it been.) I  have loved meeting all my new customers. Some of them have even become good friends and supporters in my life. I love my co workers so much. There is really no drama among us, which is a really nice change from my previous job. I have connected with the girls at work in great ways. Nellie  is the "mother" of the group with all her life experience and I always enjoy her hugs and laughter. They used to call me Nellie Jr., as we have a lot of the same expressions and actions and similar build. Nellie has endured many of my stories...and always listens. Tiffany is a girl I laugh with harder than most people. She is one of the few who can make me laugh at myself. I remember the first time I really laughed hard after mom died-it was with Tiffany. It was a moment that I'll remember b/c I hadn't laughed like that in months. We make up silly games to have even more fun. We also run together(during fall and spring anyway). Kim and I have gotten really close. We hang out on weekends sometimes and we have shared a lot of good moments. Kim has been kind enough to endure a lot of my tears as much as my silly stories. She has been a huge support in so many aspects of life. Kim is a big blessing in my 2011. My customers who are my good friends now-you guys know who you are. I know you read this. So please know I am so thankful for you. My boss is a friend, too. He is one of a kind. An Australian...and confident in his beliefs and opinions. He is a great chef and I really enjoy working for him. There are others I work with who I also love , just don't get as much interaction with. We girls go out sometimes, and that has become a big blessing of 2011. I love those girl nights:)
 I think I may have to continue this blog, as my thoughts are overflowing....I am ready to say goodbye to 2011. It has been really hard. I am excited to see what 2012 will bring.I am not ready to post my goals yet....but maybe soon. I can't say that I wish 2011 never happened. Yes, it has been the most painful year of my life. But it is a part of my life. Part of me. And so I do not wish it away. But I am ready to move forward . One day at a time. Soon there will be more words on this.....

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