Thursday, October 6, 2011

A cluttered house...cluttered mind.

In 2 days, my family will host a 5k in my mom's memory.
 My house is cluttered. So is my mind. I'm hoping this will help clear my mind at least...since nothing can help the clutter in my home until the event passes. All along my apartment living room and dining room are boxes of tshirts, bananas, water, signs, and door prizes.  It's really exciting, actually. And a little unreal. Also a little bit nervewracking. And running through my mind are many different thoughts and emotions.
  This is my first time to host an event. I have run many races. Obviously, it's quite a passion of mine. When mom passed away, one of her friends started a scholarship fund in her name designated to go to a nursing student studying to be an oncology nurse. When we learned of this, I got this crazy idea to host a 5k to raise more funds for the scholarship. Why not combine my passions of running and fighting cancer and helping others?? And so one of my crazy, exhausting ideas began to unfold. This event is in no way about me. It is about my mom in some aspects. But it's more about actually doing something positive out of a really crappy situation of death and cancer.
 It's also appropriate it go to a student studying to be an oncology nurse. When mom was first diagnosed in late 2006 and underwent her first surgery in 2007, nursing students (along with this friend of mom's who has started the scholarship, and was a nurse) came into mom's home and helped do a lot for her-dress her healing wounds, check her vitals, help administer things she needed. They provided a lot of medical supplies for her too. They helped her. And now, it's time (we) help give back.
  Cancer is ugly. I watched it unfold in mom's life and take her away. I saw the devastating effects it has. I saw the pain it caused, the exhausting process of it all. I saw a true warrior have to give in to the sickness eventually because it had taken its toll. Working with cancer is not an easy occupation. I don't know this because it's my occupation. But I do know this from helping to take care of mom. I helped to feed her and dress her and be by her side through chemo treatments when cancer had taken its toll on her to hinder her abilities. I am happy to see the money we are raising go to someone who will be making that their life occupation.
 There are times when I have been crippled by my grief. There have been times...and still are...when I am just an emotional basket case because of the ache it has left as a hole in my life not having my mom any more. But I am choosing to make this a positive aspect of grief. That's by no means a pat on the back for me. It's only by God that this event is unfolding as it is. He is really blessing it. I cn't wait to blog about it after the fact and share all that God did through it. It has been neat for me to see who has jumped on board to do this-some because they love running; some because they loved mom; some because they want to see money go to a good cause; and some because they love me. That has touched me deeply, as I have seen the different sides of this event. I have learned a lot about my relationships with others through it. I have also learned new things about myself yet again.
 Sometimes I'm on auto pilot. Races are kind of second nature in some ways to me...I love doing them. So i guess I just kind of knew what needed to happen here. So sometimes this event has come together just because I've participated in so many that I didn't have to think deeply about it all.
 There are some moments when I have had complete meltdowns and learned that only by His strength can I go on. It has dawned on me deeply that this event is in memory of mom. Not with mom there; not with mom cheering from the sidelines. But it's because mom is gone. I never would've started this before. I never even thought I was capable of doing such things. Like I said, I'm learning about myself through this. One big thing I am learning is that I can go on. I can be ok. I don't always feel that. But I suppose this event is helping me see that. I can still do things. Things I never would've done before. God promises in Romans 8:28 that all things work together for good for those who love Him. I've questioned my love for him at times because losing mom has been an awful experience. BUT in the process of questioning, I have actually learned to cry out stronger to Him and to lean on Him in new ways and just how much I do love Him. No one completely understands me....but He does.  and so as I said, he promises that all things work together for good for those who love Him . I believe this event to be evidence of that.  ALL things-even the pain of grief.
 Some days I don't entirely believe that, because some days the grief hurts so badly that I can't even see through the tears. but then I see a rainbow in the sky. Or hear some ridiculous song sung. Or go for a refreshing run as the sun is rising among the fall leaves.  I have decided not to suppress my grief. But to walk through it. It's a messy decision at times. But I hold onto that it'll work out for the good...eventually...and in some way. Because He promised me that. And like I said...I'm seeing that unfold through this event.
 It's been one crazy week with all the details. But volunteers are lined up, we've raised over 2,000$ with money still coming in (surpassed my goal for doing this this first time), my older brother is back home for good now (so excited about that!), tshirts are ready, registrations have come in like I wouldn't have expected, and it's scheduled to be beautiful weather!
 I sure do miss my mom. That's an understatement. But I think...though I won't know til Saturday....that this event won't be one of sadness while we remember her...but it'll be one of joy. Because mom was always giving back to others. always. She was so very humble. Part of me sees her rolling her eyes over an event taking place in her name...with her name all over tshirts and signs. But the other part of me knows that she would be pleased that there will be a lot of good to come out of this.
 So...the house will be cluttered until the event is over....and my mind probably won't shut off until then, either. day at a time...I keep plugging through the grief, the exhaustion, the good and the bad.

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