Some people process by talking. Others do it by meditating. Some prefer not to process and just keep moving. But me?
I'm an analyzer. I like to understand, and so I am constantly processing lessons, interactions, verses, and relationships. That can be viewed as bad, but for me, usually it's very healthy.
I process by writing. And then going back over and reading things I have written to help me see even months later what I learned. You'll see some of those things in this month, as I want to share them to go along with what I have learned through the year.
In the mean time, back to the word "Strong" that I chose at the beginning of this year. I did not know what that word would come to mean for my life. It really has applied to so many areas. So many, in fact, that my head is sort of all over the place with it. (You may find my writings to be a little all over the place the next few weeks. I apologize now for lack of order...)
But today I will share that one of the ways I came to see that word play out for me is I truly learned this year how much of a fighter I am. Not verbally or physically, but more so mentally. I have learned what it is to truly embrace the Bible verse in 2 Corinthians which says in my weakness His strength is perfected (which I will come back around to in another blog.) But it was interesting to me in talking with my younger brother, how it seems to be a trait that runs through our family. He is the same way. We have learned to fight for what is right, to fight for our worth, to fight for what we stand upon as our belief system.
That does not come without struggle. And honestly, much of the struggle is not seen. For me, anyway. Some days I am so mentally drained from anxiety, from the battle my mind fights of telling me one thing, but trying to embrace another. I run through scenarios and play what if's and have to convince myself of the truths rather than believe the lies.
I want to share that this year in particular has been one which I have grown the most personally. Maybe every year should end by being able to say that. But I have not been able to honestly see that the last many years. But this year I can.
I have struggled through the mental battles more this year than ever. Mostly because it's not that I'm trying to prove to others who I am, but I myself, am allowing myself to be the true me without others dictating that. I am a people-pleaser by nature. I really love to see those around me happy, and if I can somehow play a role in that, I want to do so. However, as this year has unfolded, it's been a time for me to learn who I truly am in God's eyes. Not what others say about me or who others think I should be... but the woman God has really designed me to be.
While that should not come with battles, for me, it does. Because I hold on to words so tightly, care so much about what others around me feel or think, and want to please everyone. But guess what? The One I need to please first is God. And not everyone can understand that.
But, as I embrace that woman in me, I have found new strength, through Him.
I have grown to dream bigger dreams (if you can believe that about me!)
I smile bigger, even when the fight is harder for that some days.
And along the way this year, I have gained some new beautiful friends through the process. Friends who have come to help me fight for who I am as well on days when I can't.
So, in essence, I have learned a new strength through my weakness. My weakness is anxiety. But His strength shines perfect through that battle. And He has taught me to never give up.
I may struggle, but I am coming out more beautiful in the end. Stronger through the struggles, His strength perfected through my weaknesses.