Sunday, May 12, 2013

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,
 Happy Mother's Day! It is only natural that today I am thinking about you. In fact, I have spent a lot of my week thinking about all you taught me. The lessons I've been remembering have resonated deep within my soul this week.
  I know that you would want me today to celebrate me and my motherhood journey. Somehow, that still feels a bit unnatural. Mother's Day is supposed to be about MY mom, not about me. But I am striving to embrace that, because I know that is what you would want me to do.
 A girl should never have to write her mother a letter on mother's day. We should be together. At 30 years old, I wasn't supposed to not have you here any more.
 But I know that you are in perfect health again, and I know that  you are celebrating with your own mom again, and I know that you are laughing. But I miss you.
  God has brought me a long way, mom. I hope you can see it and can smile about it. The journey of finding His peace again was long and hard, but He brought me back to that, mom. I wish I could tell you all he has taught me about His grace, His love, His forgiveness.
  I want to tell you all about the scholarship we have in memory of you, mom. It is to carry on your legacy, yes. To carry on your name. But it is just as much about helping others. This years recipient even said it made a difference in her staying at the University. Mom, this is an event I love. I don't love that it is memory of you, because that means you are gone. But it is good come from bad, you know? It is what you taught me. And I love doing it. I wish you could see it. I know many get sick of me talking about it. I know you would listen to me for hours about it. It is something I have come to enjoy so deeply that it is a part of me. It has become a passion. I think, I hope, that you would take pride and joy in what has come of what was such a tragedy for me. This year we want to raise enough to help 2 students.
 I wish you were here so I could ask you for advice on dealing with my precious Elizabeth, who is growing into a young woman. And, Oh yeah, I'd tell you I'm sorry for what I put you through when I was growing into that same womanhood she is now. She is so much like me, and each time she is having one of her "growing " moments, I see myself and am taken back to those years and how much I must have put you through! Stephen has witnessed a few of them and I have looked at him and said "I don't know where she gets that..." and then we bust out laughing because he remembers all too well my pre-teenage moments.
  I want to tell you how much Elizabeth is growing into a deeper love with Jesus. She wants to be a missionary, mom! Sound familiar? This summer she will be going on a missions trip, and I wish you were here to see it all unfold. I wish you were here to share in these moments with me.
   Joseph is all boy, mom. He has the know it all attitude and the rough and tough attitude. But his soft spots are bright, too. He loves to play games, mom. You and him would be having a ball together! Today, I will celebrate mothers day by playing games with him. And, tucked away in my mind, I will be thinking of you, too.
   I miss you so much, mom. This day may always be hard, I don't know. I wish I could ask you what it was like for you after you lost your mom. But today you are celebrating with her. And I will celebrate with my kids. But I will remember you. Today. And forever. You were and always will be my best friend and my hero, mom. I miss you. But you are in the best place ever-Heaven. And I will smile at that. And I will do my best to smile at all our memories and not cry. And one day, we will be together again.
 I love you, mom.
   Your daughter always,
     Rachael Elizabeth

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