In church, my heart was moved by the worship, and an entire blog formed in my head in the process. I can't help it....the words seem to flow more lately. I suppose that's because there's so much on my heart and mind. A song which was new to me today moved my heart, and God really whispered to me.
Lately, I've been in an internal struggle. One I've kept close to my heart, but now I"m putting it out on the line for anyone to read. Mostly because writing helps. I don't say things to have anyone come to me and tell me how great my writing is, or how wonderful of a person I am or for a confidence boost. I write from the rawness of my emotions because it helps me. I do it because maybe someone out there who will read this might be struggling with the same thing, and perhaps this will help. The internal struggle I've been facing is that of friendships. I am a people person! Ask anyone at my job, and they will tell you that. I love interacting and conversating and listening and talking. I enjoy being around people. A struggle I've always had is to rely on people in my life too much. I've had moments where God has really shown me that and tried to get His point across that HE is all I need. He's seemed to shout it at me time and time again, but it's a continual lesson which I have to apply. I tend to "need" to talk to someone when I'm having a bad day, and I often times rely on that vs. relying on talking to Him. Don't get me wrong, talking to people isn't wrong. But sometimes, He is sitting, patiently waiting, for me to come to Him so He can hold me and calm my fears and wipe my tears. And I have denied that in the past by allowing people to try to fill that gap. I have even created sin before by putting people in a place in my life where they shouldn't. NO MORE! I want Him to fill that in me....and yet, it's a constant struggle I face because I long for face to face interaction and conversation. Yet He offers it to me, if just would sit still a little bit. He never leaves me. He never once has allowed me to walk alone, and therefore, why wouldn't I turn to Him???
In recent weeks, He has been making this point to me again. He gave me some people in my life in the last year which were so special, only to ask me to let them go recently for different reasons-some painful, others practical. One friend essentially said we just weren't going to be friends anymore....and that hurt deeply. Still other friends have walked away, as I have chosen to put my family as my priority and that has been deeply misunderstood on their part. In the last year, God has been shaping me in this area, teaching me that He is enough. At first, I was stubborn to it and telling Him I needed people. Then I was on my knees, asking His forgiveness and telling HIm he was enough. Then He gave me people to help me through some tough moments. Now He's asking for me to rely on Him again. To come to Him with my dreams. With my fears. With my hopes. With my hurts. I am to turn to Him...because never once has he ever left me alone. This is a really hard lesson for me, and I will probably have to keep on learning it over and over, but He is so faithful!! Below are the lyrics to the song from today that are so beautiful. As I post the lyrics, in between will be my commentary a little bit.
Here are the lyrics:
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
~sometimes, when I take time to evaluate, I can see how far He's brought me. And that's when I remember all He's done, that He's been with me for ever step.
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
~ Life is often a "battle ground", and I have to remember that my struggle isn't against flesh and blood, but against the darkness that surrounds me. Kneeling down before Him in prayer is what changes me and the scene.
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
~ This is one of my favorite lines. Scars and Struggles on the way...I have many of those. Scars of bad decisions. Scars of grief. Scars of painful moments that are now a part of history in my story...but with joy I can say....truly say....
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
~ He has never left me alone. He has never left my side. He is so faithful. Even in moments where I didn't feel it, He was. And He is.
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
~ I am truly carried in His grace and held by His peace....when I let Him do that. It doesn't matter who my friends are or aren't. It doesn't matter how much my heart has hurt over missing my mom. He has always provided peace and extended grace. UNLIKE ANY OTHER!!!
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Never once have I ever walked alone. Not one day.
He is faithful. Every day.
I will strive to let Him fill those gaps.
One day at a time.
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