Reflecting...Remembering...Celebrating....Missing... Those words all describe just a few of the verbs I am experiencing in my day today. Today mom would be 64 years old. It is her birthday today, so it is a day which is impossible not to think about her. She was so wonderful.
Last year was the first birthday without her, and making a cake for me didn't feel like the right remembrance, so I bought donuts and enjoyed those for breakfast. I believe that has become the new tradition to celebrate mom's birthday. This morning I will do the same. And I will also sit down at some point in the day and enjoy mom's favorite latte drink: a white mocha. Drinking coffee was something mom and I did often together, so it just seems appropriate for the day.
I cannot begin to capture the emotions that pass through me on a day like today. It's not a deep sadness as once. I believe mom is likely playing games today in heaven and laughing hysterically as she always did. I believe mom would not want tears shed today, she'd want laughter and joy. And so I will strive to achieve that. It is challenging, however, not to let the tears fall a little bit. Mom's birthday was always simple, but she always had the most fun. (well, let's be honest...when didn't she??) Usually she wanted strawberrry cake and spaghetti. And she generally just wanted to play games and hang out.We never had a huge party bash, again, it was simplicity for mom. But we always had fun.
There are some days which I miss mom with a stronger feeling than other days...and sometimes those moments take me by surprise. It's strange, but when my kids are sick, I almost always wish I had my mom to call on for advice or even just encouragement in my exhaustion. When I have a rough day at work, I wish my mom were there. Holidays are almost a given, to a point of expecting to miss her and therefore, I am more prepared for those little moments. I have found myself missing my mom strongly this week. I think it's partially because it's her birthday, yes. But I also think it's also because it's been a tough week for me in certain aspects, and mom always offered the best encouragement in discouraging times. Even if it was just to sit with me and let me talk, or perhaps it was just sitting over a cup of coffee together. In those moments, though, by the end of it, somehow we usually ended up laughing. Mom was one of the rare few in my life who have been able to bring that out for me on yucky days. (I am really striving to do that better, but it's a challenge for me, as tears come easier sometimes than laughter.) I have had some intense struggles in friendships this week, and being one who is such a people person, that is big hurdle for me to jump over and move past. It's been a little while since i've had a really "raw and honest" blog, and I sense that coming on here in the next few days...but this one is about my mom and celebrating her.
I was recently given an opportunity to tell my mom's story a little bit, which will eventually come out in an article. Putting my mom into words is so challenging because she was so rare, so unique, so loved. I don't think I could put her into one word if I tried. But here are a few that described her:
My mom is in heaven now, where our true home is as well. But her legacy lives on. 64 years ago today, a wonderful gift was given to this world: my mom, Linda Ann Ferguson. I will forever miss her, but her legacy does keep on giving: through her scholarship fund; through the love she gave my dad, which continue to overflow to others in his life; I hope through me, through my 2 brothers and my sister; through the many lives she touched who will also forever remember her....
Happy Birthday, Mom!