A piece of my heart

 I'm sitting here writing, looking at an empty spot on my couch. There is one less plate at the dinner table. And yesterday, I felt a piece of my heart walk away as I left my daughter at college. 

 This is parenting in its raw moments. You can read blogs and books and talk to parents who have walked through it, because for generations, parents have been leaving their children at college. However, none of those "prepare yourself" moments really ready you for the arrival of the goodbye. 

 But this is parenting. This is what we know will happen one day. We work hard through 18 years to teach, discipline, celebrate, love and encourage a child. And we hope and pray that as they take flight on their own, that they have the tools needed to learn, grow and succeed without being by their side. It is a very strange change in life. 

 I was thinking yesterday as I drove home from leaving her on campus about a variety of things which struck me.

- She didn't have a real graduation due to COVID-19. I think  not having that moment as a parent was sort of like skipping a milestone which made this time of leaving her at college a little more emotional. I feel like I missed an emotional step in the process of letting go and celebrating her successes and ability to move on. That may sound silly, but I am a processor and without the event to sit and process and think about all the little moments through birth to the time of high school graduation, I could mask the idea that this moment was really here. Rest assured, the moment is here. We unpacked our car, loaded her dorm room, shopped at Wal Mart a few times for little items forgotten and said our goodbyes. 

- In spite of the fact that COVID is seemingly halting much of the world activities, much of life is still going forward as "normal", just the new  normal. College didn't stop, growing up didn't slow down and change continues to remain a constant in life. In some ways, it's a kind reminder that we are still moving forward.  

- 2020 is a year of change. No one expected the strange occurrence of a global pandemic. While I knew my daughter would go off to college, I didn't know how that would really feel or what it would really look like. My job went from producing a large national event for 13,000 people to learning how to create a virtual event with a whole lot of new. Many other changes are happening, but this is how we grow.

 As I grow in my own moments through letting go of Elizabeth off to college and continue learning through the changes that the pandemic brings, I know that as a mom, this is her time to grow on her own as well. It doesn't change the fact that I'll always be her mom or that I will always help her or be there to answer her calls. It just is a new season where I can't physically hold her hand or show her how to do a task by her side. I could say to myself all of the "I wish I had...." moments or question if I prepared her enough, but I choose to focus on the fact that this is her time to shine. This is her time to spread her wings and fly. This is her time to take all she has learned and apply it and navigate her way through new decisions so she can grow and figure out her path. 

 To all the moms or parents who have walked through this, remind me that this is normal and it is good. And that I will be ok ;) and so will she. 

 To my younger friends who are moms and haven't reached this point yet, I say: embrace all the little moments along the way. You will feel frustrated at times, you will feel joy. Your heart will break at times, your heart will swell with pride. Set boundaries, make mistakes, but never stop taking in the moments with your child- the good, the bad, the sad, the funny and the changes. Parenting is not easy. And parenting is not a one way written manual. But parenting is beautiful and one day you will look back and be able to see how the years have helped you raise a child, but also how that child has shaped you. Please take it in. Write it down. Take pictures. And embrace the little moments. 

 Life is full of change. But change can be good. My little girl is off on her own, but she will always be my little girl. She will always be a piece of my heart, no matter where she is.