It is both painful and beautiful.
It is a time to make memories as well as remember.
It brings me a lot of tears and also laughter.
It is a time I reflect on my mom and miss her fiercely but also celebrate being a mom myself.
I must write about my mom, but also about being a mom, because I am in a new season of motherhood recently. So, mother's day is a time to reflect.
I have written so many words about my mom, but there always seem to be new memories which surface or new thoughts of her as I cross new moments of mothering myself. I often wonder "Is this how my mom felt during the days of raising teenagers?" I wonder if my mom cried in frustration or out of sadness in the quiet moments, but only shined her smile with us. And then I feel sad that I can't call her and ask her. I wish I could sit across the table from her, play one more round of Dutch Blitz with her and laugh over coffee. I wish I could ask her advice or at the very least, cry to her through these days of navigating new phases of mothering. While I am certain she didn't have an experience such as COVID-19, I am certain that I was a very emotional teenager (who, me?? ....) and thus, would love to hear her wise words and know that she would pray for me as a mom through this time as well as for my emotional graduating Senior daughter. But wishing for all those things does not change the circumstance and every time the emotions surface, I find new ways to navigate them. I look for ways to celebrate her and keep her memory going or I find new photos and smile at the memory captured by such a photo.
As mom, I am over emotional lately. (Who, me?? ) Elizabeth is graduating. I cry with her as she grieves over a lost prom, missing last days of walking the halls, and possibly no graduation ceremony. Yesterday, we drove through the high school parking lot to pick up her cap and gown - a no-contact way for the school to deliver the goods. Yet as we drove through the parking lot to pick up these items, faithful teachers, complete with masks, rang bells and cheered for the Seniors picking up their items. So much emotion coursing trough my veins. Moments of motherhood flashing before my eyes as I held back the tears.
Mothering is hard. It is so very worth it, but it is hard. Each phase is so different, each phase has made me a better person. Each phase I have had total moments of failure, but complete moments of joy, too.
As I feel the sadness of what she is experiencing right now, I also watch with joy as she searches for ways to bless others during this time. This girl, always looking out for the less fortunate. I smile as I watch her mount the horses and canter across the ring. I smile as she talks animatedly about her dreams of upcoming college years and dorm rooms. I embrace the moment, because every moment lasts but a breath.
When I lost mom, I learned that. I recall sitting at mom's bedside, reading while she slept. And I paused thinking, "This could be my last day with mom." But in that moment I also learned maybe it would be, but that means I need to enjoy this moment. And so in that moment, I did what mom loved doing- I sang to her. And in that, while she could not talk, somehow she was still teaching me. In mom's absence, I find little notes she had written through the years or old photos once forgotten and I recall her laughter, her joy and her ever positive attitude.. and I hear her voice and feel her with me. She isn't here, but she kind of is honestly. Her lessons live on in me.
My son is fun and teaches me and challenges me in ways different from Elizabeth. He's quiet, but strong. He doesn't talk a lot, but when he does, I close my books and put away my phone because I know he wants to really share. He has a string of sarcasm but a love for stupid jokes, like me. With him, I often laugh over nothing at all, which leaves the two of us at times breathless. We usually don't even know what started it. He's my coffee buddy, offering to make me a cup and sitting with me to drink one himself. He challenges me with his independence, but I so look forward to what he will one day do. And I am so glad we have 2 more years left, because letting go as they move on to the next phase is not easy. It is kind of heartbreaking.
So, this mother's day, I think about my mom and I am sad she is missing these milestone moments with me. But I am thankful for the lessons she taught me so I can work to teach my daughter "adult" lessons as she transitions.
I am embracing a new season as a mom.
Mother's Day is to celebrate my mom and all she taught me to be... and to celebrate the joy my own children bring me.
Motherhood is...
painful and it is beautiful.
It is hard and it is joyful.
It is full of laughter and tears.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom! No longer here, but forever in my heart.
And I am so blessed to have my own two beautiful kids. I will take my time to remember my mom... but then I will laugh and enjoy the ever fleeting moments I have with my kids today.
