Chasing my shadow

The wind whips around my skin. The sun is kissing the sky in a beautiful way. The deer are enjoying running through the woods. My shadow stretches across the ground in front of me. And I breathe in deeply the enjoyment of being outdoors running.

 In the midst of these times, I have to find the positives. I am an extrovert and I love being around people, so this time of being at home with family can have benefits in savoring the hours with the kids nearly grown, but also can provide challenges in my anxiety with lack of conversations over cups of coffee and sweet embraces. Running is a time of peace for me in the midst of these strange, ever-changing days.

 Over the last 10 years, I have really enjoyed running. Each season of those 10 years has held different reasons for the running being significant. I have come to learn much about myself through the process, developed a sense of confidence I didn't know existed within me; found a career and worked my way up the ladder through that; fought anxiety and depression with the weapon of mind over matter and getting out to run; made some great friends; crossed a few finish lines; and most of all, have become a better version of me.

 The challenge for me over the last year is that between schooling, work, family and mission work, while I have still exercised, it's been more of a robotic act than one of pure enjoyment. These days are allowing me to find that enjoyment again.

 I've never been a fast runner. Running is work for me. But the sense I feel when I am out there doing it is is one that cannot come from a spin class nor a weight training session. However, in regards to my running, I am going to be honest here. Over the last year, I've let several comments affect my desire to get out and run, let alone blog about it as much. But, I'm over that, so I'm going to share.

 I've heard things (when discussing my run time) "Oh, I pace the slow people!"  or comments like "I can't wait to have another runner around"  or "That's it? You only did 2 miles?" or "What was your time" to which I would be embarrassed to answer.
  I'm paraphrasing, but I've also been told that perception is reality and those words and more said have affected my mindset of pushing through the challenges to do something I love simply for the sake of doing it. Yes, I have had extra activities affecting my ability to get out, but words play a huge role in my mindset and I let those take over for a time.

 However, in these days, I am returning to my roots. I am starting over again, essentially. I haven't lost my knowledge in how to run or what to do to improve. I may have lost my motivation for a time, though, in discouragement or in the business of daily life. Today I write to share for anyone out there doubting their ability : DON'T. I'm using this time of the world slowing down to rediscover that part of me. In those moments I think clearer. I feel the presence of the Creator. I find my confidence again. I remember why I began to fall in love with this sport in the first place. So, today I write to encourage those of you who may feel  you "can't" or that you are not a runner. It isn't about your speed. It's about your heart. So....

 Let the breeze tickle your skin, don't care about the speed.
    Watch the sun kiss the sky and slow down to take a picture of it.
Chase your shadow with the flag whipping in the wind behind you.
  Pause to stare back at the deer looking at you.
     Push through the "I don't like hills" and feel the burn in your legs bring you to life.
 Add an extra mile, even if it is at a walk pace.
    And most of all, as you run, let the words roll off your back into the wind and just allow yourself to be free and to be you.

 That is what running does for me. I am enjoying the daylight hours of running, certain that contributes to the joy of it for me. (As opposed to the 530 am dark and chilly wintery days). As much of an extrovert as I am, this space of running by myself is a savored moment I have severely missed . In times when it can be hard to find the positives, in times that my anxiety honestly has a tendency to be heightened, these are the moments that bring me into who I am, the moments that I am thankful for in the midst of these strange days of unknown- the quiet moments in dawn hours of running. And so, I will savor this. And whenever normal becomes back to normal, I hope to hang onto these lessons I am learning, one day at a time. Because when I run, it isn't just about being out running more miles again, it is about learning about my Creator, it is about learning my own self and pushing through the mind blocks that can come with the daily grind of life. And thus, I will chase my shadow in the early morning hours.... one day at  time...