I'm not holding back any longer. I am going all out and I am letting go. I am weary of the roadblocks I allow to be in my way.
Over the course of the last 4 months, I have been training for a fall race. One race. One day. Just a couple of hours long. One victory. Hundreds of hours invested in getting to this place.
I have been looking forward to this race for months. I have not written much about the training because 1. I am no expert, so who am I to really say how to train or even talk about my methods? 2. Many people don't really care to hear all about the runs (but I'm beginning to be over that and just write freely about it because, after all, this is my blog and it doesn't have to be read.) 3. (and mostly for this reason I haven't shared much) This training journey has been a very private one.
It's been private not because I have been running alone (although there is that, for sure). But it's been private because this has been very much of a learning journey for me through this training. And sometimes, there just aren't adequate words to express what the heart, mind, body, and soul are learning. As they connect to each other through a run, my running and my training become as much of a spiritual experience as it is a physical benefit to my body. To express those moments out loud can present a challenge. Some people think that's crazy.
So I haven't talked about it.
I don't think that just because it's race week that I am done learning the lessons I have accumulated over the last few months. But I don't want to hold back any more. I want to share what I am learning. About myself. About God. About this journey we call life.
And I don't want to hold back in my running any longer either. I want to push the limits. I want to go faster than I ever have. I want to let God carry me through the walls I constantly find in my path. The mental walls. Because the mental walls present more of a challenge than the physical ones. The "I can't " statements. The settling for good enough. This training journey has brought me to a new goal with my fall race.
It scares me a little because I don't like failing. And a part of me feels like if I don't meet my time goal for the race then I will be failing. But, actually, this race is probably one of my greatest victories, no matter what my time outcome is; the finish time will just become a bonus. So, even if I don't meet my time standard I am setting up for myself, I haven't failed. Because along the last 4 months, I have gained some amazing new perspectives.
Just like pushing the limits physically and the lungs hurt, sometimes these perspectives have pushed my emotional limits and my heart hurts.
But not a hurt that is lasting. It's temporary. Because as I have recognized new things about myself, about others around me, and about how much God loves me through every aspect of my being, the hurt fades and victory replaces the pain.
This training journey has come to mean so much more to me than just running a race. It's become one about embracing confidence. Letting go of old insecurities. It's become a time in life where I have said yes to new experiences (Colombia), said no to hindrances that can stand in the way (sinful habits). And it has become a time of no longer holding back. I have been learning to really let go.
Let go of words. Let go of habits. Let go of people. Let go of expectations.
Which leaves me....
Free to run better. Be stronger. Love deeper. Work harder. Trust God more.
This leg of training has been amazing. Physically, yes. I have begun to push past a wall I never thought could be knocked down. But emotionally and spiritually even more so. Because through these many weeks, I have been learning to let go.
So as I go into my race on Saturday, my mantra is... LET GO. and in essence, Let God.
Simple words. But full of depth for me. with every step, I am learning to let go. Figuratively and metaphorically.
In my running, and in my life.
Do both hurt? Sometimes, yes. But is the victory worth it? Absolutely.
So, I can't wait to see what will happen in the race Saturday. I am going for a best time. But, as I said, I have already gained a victory through this event.
I close by sharing this: During the beginning of my training, I read Unbroken, the story of Louis Zamperini. What an incredible story. What an incredible life that man lived. But his brother said to him " A moment of pain is worth a lifetime of glory." That has stuck with me. But even more so, Louis said to himself upon recalling his brother say that as he entered his Olympic experience, "Let Go" . And he opened up and went for it.
No holding Back. Let Go.
One day at a time.