Friday, April 5, 2013

Letting go and letting Him....

This week I heard an amazing, in person story about a young woman just a few years older than I who had cancer, the doctors went in, and discovered the cancer had disappeared! A real life, 2013 miracle evidence of God's hand. Wow!
 But with that story also come questions.Questions from seasoned believers in Jesus as much as questions from someone who has never claimed a faith. Why does God choose to heal some people and not others??
 I have heard this question before in my life, and to be honest, I generally dismiss it. I am not a debater of theology-in fact, I don't like those type of conversations at all usually. I love to talk about my faith, but I don't like to debate it. I am not one who is really well able to point someone to every verse in the Bible that might answer their question (questions even like "Why does God heal some and not others?"). However, I have to be honest to say that in the moment of being near tears in hearing this woman's amazing story, that very question came to my mind.

 We prayed for my mom's healing, so why didn't that happen? Mom had never been had had an amazing impact on many around was young...I needed my kids needed their nana.....and so on.
  However, as soon as that question came to mind, so did an answer, or even a whisper.

 Because as Romans 8:28 tells us that " Everything works together for good those who love Him."

John tells us He leaves us peace....He does not give as the world gives.

Do I believe that God could have healed my mom? Absolutely! Did we pray for it? Yes, we did. But sometimes, what many don't realize, is that God's answer is sometimes "No."  And if we allow Him, He will work it out for His good. " How could good come from death?" I have been asked....Why does God allow so much yuck if He is a good God??
 Well, I'm not here to debate that. I am simply here to tell my story, and my mom's story.

Post losing my mom, I went through some really dark days. I questioned God. I was angry. I acted out in that anger at times even. But now, 2 years later, because I have allowed God into all those cracks and brokenness, He has filled them with healing and light and now what was a very yucky, tough time, has led to some intense healing and better days.
  After intense brokenness inside the home some days because of my depression and my distantness and   lack of obedience to God, there is a new healing and a new blooming in the life inside of our home. I have a deeper love and respect for Michael and I have a renewed joy as a mom. Does that mean all days are rosy?? Absolutely not! Let me not be unrealistic here-we all know I'm about having an honest blog. Some days are as rough as the raging seas, but it is because of where we have been that we can recognize God better ....even in those rough seas. I had to go through those dark moments to find a renewed faith and vigor in my walk with God.

 After much grieving and tears and sadness, God has used that experience of losing my mom to open up new doors that never would have been available to me in that fashion before- walking through the doors of helping other young women my age or thereabouts- who have also lost their mom to death. Before having that experience myself, I was unaware how many other women have walked that road. Granted, I knew it was there ; I just never was in the line of having much conversation about it with anyone who'd experienced it. After I lost mom, I felt very alone in the aspect of not having a girlfriend who truly understood what I was experienceing. Now, because I have walked that, God has opened doors for me to be able to be that maybe to another woman. Had I not experienced that, I wouldn't be able to make those connections. Because it is so true, that until you have, as a young mom and woman, experienced losing your own mom, can you truly understand what that young woman feels.Please understand, I am not saying here "YAY, ME!" what I'm saying is "YAY, GOD!" Because He is taking something yucky I had to walk through and using it for His good with other women. (I hope). I have new relationships that I may never have had otherwise- Rachel, Jontae, Teresa, Angie, Courtney just to name a few.....God has taken that pain of losing my mom and turned it into a deeper understanding.
 Not to mention the scholarship we have in memory of mom, which can go on to help students in need who will in turn touch the lives of many with cancer. Yet another piece of good God has allowed to turn from the bad.

In the midst of grief and what I walked through, I was clouded often times in my own walk with God. I had to go through that to get to a new, deeper level with Him. A new understanding of who He is. A deeper grasp of grace and forgiveness. Did God allow mom to die so I would have to experience the yuck of my own darkness? No-that was my choice. Again, I am not here to dive into theology. I'm just simply saying God allows free will decisions, and I didn't always choose wisely. But in the midst of that, God taught me so much that I never would have learned otherwise. And He is so good. All the time. Even when I am not...

One of the best things I can say that came out of mom's death is that she now has abundant life. Sometimes God's answer of "No" is a beautiful "Yes" for the one who is sick. Mom now has perfect health and beauty and laughter again. She is no longer suffering and one day I look forward to walking those streets of gold with her and laughing with her again.

All this to say, when we pray, sometimes God says "Yes!" But other times, He says "Not now, child. I need you to trust me."
   I read something I really liked this week. It said " When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go. Only one of 2 things will happen. Either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly! "
 One day at a time, keep letting go. Let all areas of life.

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