I have no clever title for today's post, so "thoughts" is about all you get for that, because that's about all I have rambling through my head....so many thoughts. Today at work , the bottom of the blender wasn't screwed on tightly, and the smoothie I was blending went ALL over the counter, under the espresso machine,down the sink, and everywhere. What a mess. (it's funny now, but it was really frustrating then.) That's what I feel the thoughts in my head are doing lately-just kind of exploding!
I cannot walk through this month without thinking about what was occurring this time last year. It does not mean that I am dwelling on the past or that it is consuming me. It does not mean that I am sad all the time. But due to other crazy life events, I have been missing mom a lot-she was my encouragement backer, 100% of the time, my mistakes and all. Because I have been missing her more for that reason alone, it also draws me back to the events of the last year and what was happening.
I was working only 20 hours a week again, knowing that the day would be literally any day at this time. I was running still, but not a lot. all my time was split between the hours at work, my family, and mom. I wouldn't change it for a minute. Mom was declining so badly. She was sleeping most of the time. She ate, but very little, and usually only if we were feeding her. She was in the wheelchair when she was up, and she didn't wear the oxygen full time , but it was still pretty often. She wasn't able to talk . We knew it would be any day. Functioning was only a God thing for me-I look back and wonder how in the world I made it. It was only God. Here's an excerpt from my journal last year.
" I 'm very tired. Sad. Confused. Frustrated. I long to feel normal....."
March 6, 2011
"It's time for mom to die. She is really suffering. I'm so sad and my heart hurts. ....Mom is not good.Every day could b her last. She is suffering so much and it's heartbreaking.It is the most difficult thing to watch unfold. I keep thinking of a lot of memories with mom, as I sit by her side for hours at a time right now. Sometimes silly ones. Sometimes serious ones. LIke When I was 3, I was playing ring around the rosie with my siblings, and when we all fell down, my head hit the corner wall and it split open. Mom held a towel on my head and drove me to the hospital. She never panicked. Never got loud or really crazy. I, on the other hand, went bazerk. I freaked out so badly, they had to wrap me in a papoose (?) while I got stitches. This is probably one of my earliest memories.That was before cell phones. Mom did it all on her own. She was always calm. Always had a quiet independence about her.She handled everything with patience and care. When I was 5, mom sat on my bed and led me to the Lord.She used to always sing to me "I have decided to follow Jesus".Mom read to us all the time.We had treasure hunts at Christmas. ...."
It's interesting what went through my mind all those days. Sometimes as I sat there, I would talk to mom about it'"remember this, mom?" sometimes she was sleeping through it; sometimes I got a small smile.
I remember sitting by her bedside and doing the study of Esther, a study written by Beth Moore. It is always neat to me to see how God places certain studies in life just when I need them. I don't really remember the exact day, but I know it was right around this time because mom had just become bedridden and I was sitting next to her, doing my study while she slept. This particular page stood out to me and here is what it said ...."Just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and in those times God is not ashamed of our performance.He's proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do His will.God isn't interested in our stellar performance, but in our hearts.He loves our obedience and willingness despite our insecurities." That meant a lot to me then. It still means a lot to me today, and I love that God brought that back to my mind today even. Sometimes, whether it's due to exploding smoothies or exploding thoughts full of insecurities and yucky things, it is all I can do to make it through a day. Other times, I am laughing and giddy. I hate being a roller coaster-I really would like to be an even keel emotional person. However, for this time in my life, it is who I am, and God loves me...and loves when I choose obedience and willingness despite my insecurities. And in choosing that, He can help overcome those things. I love when He brings those back to mind. He is faithful.
Today is my dad's birthday. He will be coming over for dinner. It will be a small celebration, but I think it'll be fun, even though simple. It will be dad's first without mom. I don't even remember celebrating his birthday las year. I am not sure if we really did or not...in 10 days it'll be the one year anniversary of mom's passing, and most of us were consumed by that at this point, so I don't remember if we had cake or anything. however, tonight we will. We will have chili and angel food cake (dad's favorite). We will probably play silly games on the wii , and we will laugh. I have no doubt in my mind that there will be moments today hard for dad, as for us, without mom here for his birthday. But he chooses to keep smiling and he sets and amazing example. He loved my mom with every fiber in him, and he's even proved that by letting go of her, knowing she is better off now. He sets an amazing example to me. Through all this time, dad and I have found a new relationship together, so I am thankful for that. He's an incredible, strong, godly man, whom I admire greatly. He and I have a lot of similarities, to the point that mom used to roll her eyes and say "oh, brother." about some of our similar actions. I can see it now. But I'm glad for that. so, happy birthday to my dad! Though this is a tough month, we will find joy in this day and we will laugh a lot, I am sure.
Well, it's Saturday morning now as I finish this. Bright and early out for a run....the longest one of the season. If you read my last blog, we'll see if I find any crazy things along the dark path this morning. The time changes tonight, so next time this early, there should be more light!
Until the next blog...I keep going one step, one day at a time. And it is a new day...time to rejoice in that! A verse in my mind repeated lately is "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!"