Thursday, February 9, 2012

Revolving door of change

I have tried to write this blog for over a week now. My mind is so full...I think I am thinking too hard on this one! But that's just mind is full.
 I have "change" on the mind. I have been thinking about that mostly because it's one of a few constant in life. That seems like an oxymoron (sp?) but it is so very true. Change is one thing I can always count on...especailly when I am beginning to be comfortable. And I am little by little beginning to embrace changes.
 It's also been a conversation I've had with more than one person lately. Mostly about how I have personally changed in the last few years specifically, but I'd say especially in the last year. I don't think it's possible to go through an experience of saying goodbye to someone you so desperately love without changing. I think if I didn't change through this experience of losing my mom, I wouldn't be normal.
 How I have changed has affected a lot of my relationships. I won't launch into every detail of every one, but it's been something I've pondered a lot lately. It's also interesting to think about how many new friendships I have developed since having lost mom-and those friends never knew me before the experience.  I have lost some friends I had before mom's death-partially because of  changes in life (like job, moves, etc) but also because they weren't sure how to handle the changes in me. Grief is a very long process. And the first 6 months of that some degree stood the test of some true friendships.
 Those who've met me since don't have a "me" to compare to before the experience of grief I've been walking through. Though the more they are getting to know me, the better they are seeing when I am having an off day.
 Change has driven wedges in relationships that are relationships I wish would only grow from the changes.
 Change has opened doors to friendships I never would have experienced with out-like my one friend, Christa, who lost her mom the same week I lost mine.
 This is a blog that is so hard to put into words, but it is a deep impression in my heart and mind lately. Sometimes we can take changes and use them for our good-become better. I want to be doing that daily. I want to laugh more. I love to laugh-over the last few years, you could say I have become a lot more serious. I think I am working on that change. Changes can be used for good to strengthen relationships. I can become a better woman. A better child of God. Sometimes change can also harden a heart. I have been down that road before-more than once. When we moved from Florida to Ohio, I spent some time with that change on the ugly side. But now I love being here-it's become a great change. One I can see God's hand in daily. When mom was dying and after her death, I processed, but there were days that the change was bad. There were days it was hard to pick up my feet and function.
 I believe overall---over the course of some really yucky events the last 5 years---God is using these changes to teach me about Himself. How He is my One constant. How He loves me, especially when changes are going on. How His grace is so abundant and sufficient.
 I don't always apply those things well, but I sure am working on it.
 I have another change lingering. Sometimes I think I am crazy for the things that I pursue. But I also have learned through all this to really embrace life. And so I am beginning the pursuit of another dream of mine-going back to school. I have a plan laid out with an academic advisor for roughly the next year. It's a bit daunting at moments to think about what change this will bring about ....but I am excited.
 I miss my mom a lot today. I've had a sadness of sorts over it today that I haven't had for a while. Not a crying sadness...just a "hole" is there sadness . School was always something I talked about with mom. She knew it was a dream of  mine to go back. She also was one of my biggest advocates for going back-as she was with anything I wanted to pursue. And as she got more and more sick, I'd talk to her about it more. In fact, if I hadn't seen her be cared for by the Occupational Therapist, I may never have chosen that route. But I am so excited about this. I watched them take care of mom...and fell in love with their job. I talked to mom with a new excitement about school after that. She couldn't speak, but her support showed through her eyes. I sat in my car and talked to her all the way home from the meeting. To those of you who have never done such a thing...don't judge me:) I think  mom could hear. I sure missed talking about it over coffee with her, though. We shared a lot of coffee chats. If mom hadn't had cancer and hadn't had an OT, maybe I never would've found what i really want to do. I'm not saying I'm glad she did...but I'm just saying, maybe that was one of the small purposes in her sickness .
 Change is happening. And it will continue to happen. It's a revolving door, really.I'm trying my best to embrace it and grow with it and allow God to shape me through every aspect of it. But as change happens, there is one thing that doesn't change, that stays the same yesterday , today, and forever...and that is my God.  I'd be lost without knowing Him.  He reminds me of that through these changes even. I'm continuing to adjust to mom being gone. It'll probably be a lifelong process. But I'll keep adjusting one day at a time.

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