A piece of my heart

 I'm sitting here writing, looking at an empty spot on my couch. There is one less plate at the dinner table. And yesterday, I felt a piece of my heart walk away as I left my daughter at college. 

 This is parenting in its raw moments. You can read blogs and books and talk to parents who have walked through it, because for generations, parents have been leaving their children at college. However, none of those "prepare yourself" moments really ready you for the arrival of the goodbye. 

 But this is parenting. This is what we know will happen one day. We work hard through 18 years to teach, discipline, celebrate, love and encourage a child. And we hope and pray that as they take flight on their own, that they have the tools needed to learn, grow and succeed without being by their side. It is a very strange change in life. 

 I was thinking yesterday as I drove home from leaving her on campus about a variety of things which struck me.

- She didn't have a real graduation due to COVID-19. I think  not having that moment as a parent was sort of like skipping a milestone which made this time of leaving her at college a little more emotional. I feel like I missed an emotional step in the process of letting go and celebrating her successes and ability to move on. That may sound silly, but I am a processor and without the event to sit and process and think about all the little moments through birth to the time of high school graduation, I could mask the idea that this moment was really here. Rest assured, the moment is here. We unpacked our car, loaded her dorm room, shopped at Wal Mart a few times for little items forgotten and said our goodbyes. 

- In spite of the fact that COVID is seemingly halting much of the world activities, much of life is still going forward as "normal", just the new  normal. College didn't stop, growing up didn't slow down and change continues to remain a constant in life. In some ways, it's a kind reminder that we are still moving forward.  

- 2020 is a year of change. No one expected the strange occurrence of a global pandemic. While I knew my daughter would go off to college, I didn't know how that would really feel or what it would really look like. My job went from producing a large national event for 13,000 people to learning how to create a virtual event with a whole lot of new. Many other changes are happening, but this is how we grow.

 As I grow in my own moments through letting go of Elizabeth off to college and continue learning through the changes that the pandemic brings, I know that as a mom, this is her time to grow on her own as well. It doesn't change the fact that I'll always be her mom or that I will always help her or be there to answer her calls. It just is a new season where I can't physically hold her hand or show her how to do a task by her side. I could say to myself all of the "I wish I had...." moments or question if I prepared her enough, but I choose to focus on the fact that this is her time to shine. This is her time to spread her wings and fly. This is her time to take all she has learned and apply it and navigate her way through new decisions so she can grow and figure out her path. 

 To all the moms or parents who have walked through this, remind me that this is normal and it is good. And that I will be ok ;) and so will she. 

 To my younger friends who are moms and haven't reached this point yet, I say: embrace all the little moments along the way. You will feel frustrated at times, you will feel joy. Your heart will break at times, your heart will swell with pride. Set boundaries, make mistakes, but never stop taking in the moments with your child- the good, the bad, the sad, the funny and the changes. Parenting is not easy. And parenting is not a one way written manual. But parenting is beautiful and one day you will look back and be able to see how the years have helped you raise a child, but also how that child has shaped you. Please take it in. Write it down. Take pictures. And embrace the little moments. 

 Life is full of change. But change can be good. My little girl is off on her own, but she will always be my little girl. She will always be a piece of my heart, no matter where she is. 

Live Life Abundantly

 In the world of country music, I admit to really enjoying the music of Tim McGraw. He has a few songs especially that I like, and many that would fall into the popular category which, even if you do not listen to country music, you would probably have heard. 

 The lyrics of his popular song Live Like You Were Dying are ones which resonate strongly with me today. So they come to mind and cause me to pause.

 He was singing of a man who had learned bad news of medical health, and he asked the guy -"what did you do when you got the news"... the lyrics are as such:

 I went skydiving, I went Rocky Mountain Climbing, I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu. And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying... Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying. 

....I was the finally the husband that most of the time I wasn't, And I became a friend a friend would like to have....

 I am pondering this today because this afternoon I sat in the funeral of a friend from some years ago. He was 43 years old and one day he was fishing with his 2 teenage boys in Wyoming and the next day on a hike, he lost his life. 

 I have lost people close to me which shifted my world dramatically, but Josh's death had an impact on me in a new way that is hard to explain, and the only way I sometimes know how to work that out is to write it out. 

On one hand, I don't want to make Josh's death (or life) turn into a story about me. However, I think that any time we walk through moments such as these, it is necessary and important to evaluate life. I thought about my kids as I listened to his 14 year old daughter speak about how she'd give anything to tap her dad on the shoulder again and say "Dad... dad... " 

 I thought about all the variety of people in my life who I have every day encounters with and I wonder if my faith, my friendliness and/or my words would matter or make a difference to those people. 

 I thought about my friends in Colombia and Footprints with Hope and how I want to make impacts in that way, such as what was spoken about the things Josh did to impact certain ministries as well. 

 I thought about living life to the fullest. Every year I set out by choosing a word to define the year and how I want to live. The word isn't magical nor is it what I think about every day, but I have seen the effects of choosing such a word each year. Coincidentally (?) my word for this year is Live Abundantly. 

 Now, COVID-19 has made that more of a challenge than January 1 ever knew it would be. But when I think about life and sat in the presence of the story of a 43 year old, healthy man, I realize and think about how living abundantly is so very important.

 Love deeper. 

    Laugh more.

        Be vulnerable.

            Hug my kids.

    Be thankful.

        Take risks.

            Step out of my comfort zone.

Slow down (sometimes)

    Don't stop learning/growing.

        Take in the moment every single day.

            Cherish those around me, even if there are moments they drive me nuts, I can learn from those times, too. 

  When Tim McGraw says in his song "someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying." That chance is today, because we never know when we won't have a tomorrow. So I ask myself, what am I doing to live like I were dying, to love more, to laugh harder, to be present, to listen better, to live my faith deeper, to be a better version of me every day? 

 Death is hard. It is sad. I walked through a lot of these questions when mom died in 2011, and as I had a friend who lost a spouse this year, walked through them again to an extent. And today, celebrating the life of Josh, I think about them in a new way since he was only 43. If you're reading this, chances are you know me, because I am not a world-famous blogger with hundreds of followers. This is more of an open book to my ever-wandering mind through life experiences. You have likely played a part in my journey in some way, shape or form. Thank you for that. I am grateful for you. 

 To all my readers, I encourage you (as I preach to myself in this moment) to live like you were dying. I want to shine my light, be brighter and bolder. I want to love fiercely and wildly and unconditionally. I hope to leave an impact not so people will remember me, but so the world can be a better place and know more of God's love. I hope for my kids to have beautiful memories and silly stories to tell. I hope that I would be able to say I lived life abundantly. I am 38 years old as of recently, with a new year ahead of me. I don't want to look back and dwell in that, but I look forward instead, and embrace the idea that we get one life, one chance, one opportunity.  What will I do with mine? 

One day at a time. As if it were my last day. Because we truly never know when that will be.