Step by step, life is a process.
That has been a theme and a revolving conversation of mine recently. A lesson that I am drinking in and embracing.
The reality is that I could write a book from the experiences that I have had this year alone, and this blog today isn't the most stand out moment of all of them, but perhaps it is easier to find words to describe this one, so I share...
For 2019, I chose the word PURPOSE as my word. I want to live with purpose in everything I do. I want to discover my purpose and fulfill it every day to the best of my ability through God's grace. I am a mom, yes. I am a wife, of course. I work a job. But I do believe that each person has a calling for something special in life, that can go hand in hand with all of those parts of life, but is unique to the gifts God gives each individual.
So for 2019, I have been working to make decisions with purpose (with lots of prayer).
The reality is I could make this very long (shocker, I know!) but today I write to share about my race experience. Bear with me please. Purpose does build into this story.
I have now been running for 10 years. 10 years ago I completed my first half marathon and have never turned back since. The sport became one that helped me realize I can do more than I thought possible, I can accomplish goals I once thought "never", and I am more than what others say or what I may think of myself. Running isn't something magical, but it is definitely a part of my life that has helped me.
Running has helped me grieve the loss of my mom. Running has taught me that I am capable. Running has helped me get out of bed on days when depression wanted to keep me under the covers. Running gave me goals and taught me that sometimes a goal isn't always about reaching the exact goal, but is often times more about what you learn along the way. Running has helped me raise $20,000+ in scholarships in memory of my mom and $8,000+ (so far) in donations for keeping the clinic open in Colombia. Running pushes me to continue being a better me.
Over the last year and a half, I never quit running, but I had to make other areas of life a stronger priority. That means I have not done a half marathon for over a year and a half. Yes, I did other smaller races, but for me, a half marathon is the distance that pushes my limits beyond what feel capable. So for me, the half marathon, while I may curse it along the route at times, is my favorite. It is HARD for me. Running isn't natural, I have to work at it. I have never been and never will be a fast runner. I have run many races across several states (though many to go!) and met many people.
Well, I share all of this to say that for the first time since October 2017 I completed a half marathon again. And I want to share about the experience. For me, many times the training process is what has taught me in the end about myself. But, I have to say as part of this blog, that my training was, well, a lack of training. While I know everything one should be doing to be a good runner (I know how to train, I know the nutrition, I know about hydration....) I was the perfect example of not doing those things.
When I chose my word Purpose for the year, I decided that I wanted to get back to running some races. It isn't because running is my purpose. But through running, I tend to discover more of my purpose because of what I learn through it. Also, it is being purposeful in my health when I stick to my running.
I knew that this winter was going to be a bit nutty for me as I was in 3 classes, had travel for work, travel for Colombia among other things. But I was determined. So I chose a race that fit into life's schedule and set out to prepare for that race.
Well, let me be honest. Winter happened and there was a part of me that just struggled to get outside in the cold. I did it, but I did not do it well. Taking 3 classes may not seem like a big deal, but for me it was definitely more difficult than 2. (But I was on a path to graduate and did not want to deter that.)
Life in general happened and priorities overcame miles many times. Long story short, I didn't train well but I still wanted to do this race.
Why did I want to?
This race represented purpose for me. Why? Because this race symbolized something for me that possibly only me and God are going to understand, but it was a race I needed to do. Let me explain.
This race was very hard for me. In part because I didn't train so well. In part because in the midst of these months of choosing purpose for my word, I have confronted doubts and naysayers and hard moments that have created questions inside me, but I continue to pray, to search those out and to push forward. This race symbolized that for me. Because this race was hard and I didn't give up.
This race symbolized for me the journey I have been on the last 3 years going towards my associates degree and the fact that it has been a step by step process, which is exactly what a race is... one step at a time... and that next weekend I will walk across the stage and obtain my associates degree! For me that is a huge deal!
This race symbolized that putting the mind to something, with the strength of Christ even at my weakest moments, one step at at time ... with HIs leading... all things are truly possible!
This race symbolized for me purpose, not because running is my purpose, but because it represented the determination it takes to follow after purpose. But even more so for me, it represented that when I am weak, HE is strong. And that is where the greatest purpose comes from.
Let me tell you a few words about this race.... and then I'll wrap up my long-winded story of the journey of this half marathon.
I got up at 2:30 am to go to this race because it was a 2.5 hour drive.
My friend, Brenda, and I have been in this journey together in our own ways. She's a super cool gal, and we met through the YMCA. We chit chat at the gym, she has supported my endeavors through schooling and my dreams on the horizon and we discuss fitness goals and food. So, Brenda signed up to do this race with me. She was aiming for a PR....
Like 2 crazy gals, we set out on the road at 3:30 am.
Me.... I'd forgotten my cup of coffee I'd prepared, but oh well. She was with her chest cold that had come on. But we were both determined to do this and to have fun.
It was raining the entire drive, although it didn't show on the forecast, and that was not an exciting thing, as it was April 28 and 40 degrees! BRR.
Well, we got there fine and I could not find my headphones in the car at all (yes I am a runner who uses music to get through...) which was incredibly frustrating, but I decided that perhaps that was meant to be. Perhaps praying through the miles was part of the purpose of this race. So I moved on from that frustration.
We arrived to our corral and off we went. I won't take you through every mile of the race. Brenda and I would run bits together. I felt pretty decent, but I knew it was going to be hard and I would struggle further in. Well, miles 7 and 8 Brenda and I were together much of the race.
I was spending each mile praying about something specific in my heart, which helped pass the moments of the event as well.
At mile 9, Brenda kept going, but I was losing steam. I have learned my limits. So I knew to listen to my body. I didn't quit, but it was tough. Miles 10 and 11 my stomach wasn't so hot and so I knew to slow down or I was going to vomit. I am one who pushes myself, so slowing down is painful emotionally for me, but I knew it was necessary. And honestly my goal in this event was to finish, not to get some superb finish time. My goal was about the journey of pushing through the hard and the hurt to find the finish line (literally of a race, metaphorically of graduation, of goals, of dreams...)
Admitedly, at mile 11 I was semi-dehydrated. Rookie mistakes here, people, but I am being honest. And annoyingly the race had run out of cups. But I was in need of the water, so when I hit the next station, I cupped my hands and let them pour water from the pitcher into them so I could drink. Seriously silly rookie moment, but hey, part of the experience. As a race organizer, perhaps kind of annoying they were out of cups, but I pressed on.... My goal was to not have my worst finish time ever (which would simply be my time against my very first half marathon)
And in the end I did beat that time, so I was happy....
Brenda PR'd and I was super proud of her for that.
And finishing this race made me happy. I can't explain it fully, but sometimes the experiences are so personal, so deep, that no one else is going to get them. It felt good to finish that race. And the representation of what it means to me will forever stand strong.
It wasn't about my end time. It wasn't about the race itself. It was about the representation of one step at a time, goals can be accomplished and life has to often be looked at in baby steps. If I looked at mile 13 when I was at mile 1, it would have been a bit discouraging. But in steps, it became accomplishable. If I looked at my college degree taking 3 years (well, with still 2 more to go) I would probably feel like quitting, but here I stand about to receive that associates degree in less than a week. It was about pushing through the hard to reach the goal. It was about knowing inside of me, more exists than what others can see or understand. And (especiallly without my headphones) it was about purpose in my journey and walking with God and talking with Him about those next steps and being grateful for how far the past steps have brought me.
Much of our life events, our successes or even failures, our goals, are about walking through a process. It is not fast. But it is purposeful....
One step at at time....
