Sunday, April 26
Dear "Diary": or in this case, "Dear World"
It feels like day 4,356 of the COVID 19 Virus and I've yet to really write about it. In these 6 weeks of quarantine, I have been writing, but the thoughts have gone so deep at times, it's difficult to put the words out there for others and often times difficult to understand them myself.
So, today I sit here to share. Likely a lengthy post, if you make it through it. But one hopefully worth the read. For me, a way to process, and always a time to understand deeper what I am learning.
At the beginning of March I was in Colombia with the members of the board of Footprints with Hope. It was an incredible trip, and during that trip, we were discussing Corona Virus and our thoughts about it. However, little did we know the way it would change our lives upon our return. I still work to process my thoughts from that trip because as soon as we came home, life turned upside down. The truth is, much of what I learn in Colombia, now in some ways, people here are finally seeing and experiencing in our own back yard, even if in a different kind of way. When I am there, we don't live by our clocks so much. We see poverty. We experience a way which causes us to reflect on life so differently. Now, quarantined and the differences between social classes being so exposed here, we are also made to look at life differently.
Looking at life differently comes with challenges, but also perhaps may be a healthy thing for all of us to do. So, what can I share about my time in quarantine these months... what am I learning, seeing, feeling and how am I growing?
Well, both of my classes at the University switched from in person to online. This virus has forced everyone to change the way of doing daily activities and we've learned how possible we can make that be when necessary. It can be a good thing in some ways and open new doors of opportunity in the world of online learning. That came with challenges - especially being in a cooking class! However, we have navigated that. In some ways, it has felt like the world's longest semester, though. Today it completes and I am so happy for that. Interestingly enough, one class was a Human Rights class and I learned things that could make its own blog. Hardest class ever, but one of my most worthwhile. And being in quarantine, with so much time to think, it has been profoundly deeper of an impact, I believe. The virus has highlighted so desperately the needs of this world in new ways. Experiencing a pandemic that isn't just touching our community or maybe a community of a friend but the ENTIRE world! It is a time to connect globally in ways our world has not done for many years. I have always had a passion for other cultures and the world as a whole, and I feel this situation is shedding light and producing a new understanding. There can be beauty found in this. Simultaneously my heart is breaking for those I want to help so badly but don't know how.
My daughter is missing out on the end of her Senior Year. She has struggled with this in certain aspects, but handles it like a champ in others. We have no idea when her graduation will be, with 3 back up dates they have created. We can't really plan her graduation party very well. She's missing prom and senior walk and making those memories with her friends in the halls and classrooms in their last year together. For a 17 year old, it is a milestone. It certainly has become one she will never forget. For a 17 year old, the future is uncertain anyway, and right now even more so. As a mom, we've waited years for this time for her, so it is a little sad for me, too. However, do you want to know the beauty of it? At the beginning of her senior year, I was longing for more time with her. Just a few more shared moments in lieu of looking at her leaving. And the pandemic has given me that. We've done beauty masks and puzzles and watched shows and talked about the future and politics and dreams and hurts. These are days which will never be given back. I cherish them with her.
Work has had its challenges. So many challenges. I have been stretched in new ways, but also it has given me time to think about the work environment and goals and dreams I want to achieve there. We also have learned how to work remotely, which is a positive. Not being together consistently has pushed me to learn to communicate in a different way, at times harder, but healthy. We face the possibility of our event not even taking place- the thing we work day to day for year in and out. That comes with heartache too, thinking over that. Yet I think it also brings perspective. What we do on a daily basis (to make a living) does make an impact and a difference, but it puts into perspective priorities too.
Let's get real here... I wrestle with anxiety and depression and if I am being super honest with you, during these weeks it has been awful. I have had to force myself out of bed at times. I have made myself reach out to people in moments I am feeling the worst struggles. I'm trapped with my thoughts, which can spiral me in a dark direction sometimes. I run outdoors more than ever right now, which helps me more than words can explain, but doesn't take the struggle away. I've learned how to fight it, but I face it more than ever during this time. I am not afraid of the virus. I am not scared of the illness. I am heartbroken for the lost and the poor. I also have zero control over the situation. Faced with thoughts and emotions I can often bury in the midst of work or helping others (without realizing I am doing that) during these weeks I've had no choice but to process those often suppressed emotions. I want to understand them, but they are painful to process. Facing them is hard, to say the least. I am a people person, I get my energy from others and helping others and so, while there are ways to do that through this, the reality of facing the darker emotions are highlighted. I'm just being real.
However, through these days, I have determined that I want to grow and learn and use this time which will never be given back. I made a list of home projects, but that hasn't happened. But is that really the important task right now? For me, probably not.
There is progress being made on administrative things for Footprints with Hope foundation, and that is a positive. We have to pass through a quiet season right now, so this is a good time to accomplish behind the scenes tasks.
I have been doing more writing, even if just for myself.
I have been running more again, which is purely for me. Not for a race nor for being with others, but to fight my mental struggles and to purely enjoy who I am. My running times are my peaceful moments, my time to process and to be "free". I have really enjoyed being able to do more distance again.
I have been savoring moments with the kids through this time. That matters more to me than any house project ever could.
I've been praying a lot. Having time with my creator. He says "Be Still and Know that I am God." He asks us to be still. I don't do it well. In this time, it is forcing me into a stillness of sorts that I've never done. And it's driving me deeper in love with Him. Yes, I struggle with the emotional realities of depression and anxiety. But do you know who is in the depths of that with me? Jesus. And thus, I grow closer to Him even when it is a time of upheaval. I love that. He really has pushed me to stand still.
Connecting virtually. We live in a technology driven world that can serve as a distraction. However, during these times, I have found a lot of joy through it. Church is online, which i desperately miss in person, but I am thankful for it nonetheless. I also can join in with my Colombian friends every Sunday, which I am loving. They are virtually meeting every Sunday, a newer thing for them to do, and I love it. All the pastors get together over the 30 some churches and I love joining them in their services.
Also, not totally on purpose, but I have reconnected with childhood friends. I had such a fun childhood, full of good memories and laughter. It has been fun to remember things and reconnect.
There is always good to be found in the challenges. My ever wise daughter, an essential worker right now in the grocery store, along with my son, who also works there, shared a statement with me yesterday. She said " Mom, this customer was telling me how awful this virus has been for her and how she has it so bad. But mom, we all have our own struggles we are facing through this time. Everyone has to face something through this that is hard. I feel for her, but we all are struggling."
She is right. I have a bucket of blessings in the midst of this, with a job and health and provisions. I face my own struggles. But so does every person going through this. This is a time for us to pause and learn.
What can I do differently when this time ends? How will life change because of these weeks of quarantine and stillness? How can I take these lessons that feel overwhelming at times and produce a better version of me? And with that better version of me, how can I impact those around me so that life, looking differently when this passes, can be a good kind of different?
I could go on about this. These are thoughts partially produced through these events for me. Deep. Often very deep, which makes it hard to put it to "paper" to sort them out. april has been a very long month. But I know that darker times, hard circumstances, always produce growth. You cannot see the seed in the soil as it grows and blooms, but once the crop breaks ground, you watch it become a plant and a product which makes a difference. That is where we are... seeds in the ground, and soon we will see the beauty of the product if we are patient and willing.
John 10:10 "The thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."
I close with a song that has come across my path through this time so that I don't forget this is part of what I am learning and want to embrace...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKpEytickx4
