there are too many thoughts today that I'm not even sure where I am supposed to begin.
I want to pen all my thoughts and emotions about my marathon, a week ago. That was such an amazing journey, it will need to be a longer post. But today is about mom. It is mother's day, of course, so she is on my mind. I looked everywhere for something she had written me before she got really sick and I cried so hard when I just could not find it anywhere. I know those moments are bound to happen, but this was the first-I've been so careful to know where I've placed all the little things from her. But somewhere hidden in my home is this book of things she had written me in her healthy years. It's the memories that count...but having those things to hold in my hand matter too.
I had my moments today of pure joy in my moments as being a mom myself. But I also had my quiet moments of tears, missing my mom. Longing for her. I am sure that probably every mother's day will hold moments like that for me.
Today , as odd as this may seem, instead of writing a blog about my emotions, I am going to write a letter to my mom. It will, of course, contain my emotions within it, though.
Dear Mom,
How can it be that over a year has passed now since you have been gone? There are days that it seems like a decade has passed, and then there are days that it seems like it was just yesterday. It seems kind of odd to write a letter to you as if you are here, but I'm not quite sure how to handle mother's day without you-my mom-in my presence. So I'll write a letter and share what I would as if you were sitting next to me.
I thought I'd experienced the worse of my life in the midst of my grief and the fog that I lived life in the last year or so. But now as I come out of that fog and move back into a new reality, and a new way of seeing life, I see how much damage I allowed within my self and within my home in the time that I was in my grief fog. Not to blame things on grief. It's just priorities got all out of whack. I wish I had you here to tell me that. You were always so good at helping me see the good in me as well as helping lovingly correct my wrongs. Now, I am getting back on track. God has and is opening my eyes to so many things. When you passed away, a big hole was left. And to some degree, there will always be a hole there probably. but God is showing me and teaching me to fill all holes with HIM!!! That has never been an easy task for me, but I am learning and I am , one day at a time, doing my best to do just that. He is teaching me to be more honest with myself and others. He is teaching me to be careful with vulnerability and friendships. He is teaching me deeper love and prayer. You were always such a prayer warrior in my life, and such an example of one. I am striving to be that way, too.
Michael and I are becoming best friends again. He is amazing, mom. His love and care are showing in all new ways, and I wish you could see it. How I've been through all this grief and messiness has not been easy for him, either. and he is being incredible.
It feels good , in certain aspects, to begin new chapter of life. You wouldn't want me stuck where I was, nor would God or even myself. Now, I m growing at a deeper level and learning new things and God is really changing me. I'm still me....just a "new, better" me....I hope. It's not easy-it's even quite painful at times....but it's what is and always has been the best.
Being a mom without having you, mom, is hard sometimes. When Elizabeth is facing crazy things, it's so hard not to have you to call and say "HELP! I'm going to pull my hair out!" Or like today, when Elizabeth was baptized on mother's day, it was a piece of sadness not having you there. Or those moments when Joseph is all boy and pushing me to all limits, it's so hard not having you to call. Or the days when he gets all good grades....There will never be anyone to replace you. But I'm learning how to be who God is calling me to be.
He knew long ago that I would be in this place where I am today. He knew you'd be gone to be "home" with Him. He knew my struggles. His plan is perfect, and unfolds itself in one way or another, no matter the kinks we place in trying to fight Him. I watched you never fight His plan. I watched you be on your knees. I watched you accept. I watched you fight cancer with all you had and then give into it with apeace. All because you followed Him. You were the best mom ever. I know everyone says that about their mom, but they didn't have you. You were the best. I miss you so much. But I am pressing forward for the first real time in a long time, mom. I miss you like crazy. I love you. And I will try to keep carrying out your legacy day by day....not only your legacy....but the legacy God is calling me to leave as well.
Always your daughter,
Rachael
