A Finger Painting Masterpiece

My most-read blogs, or my "best" ones, not by the standards of the likes or the comments, but just by my reading back through them recently, are my most vulnerable blogs. I have said that before. And as I was reading through the last several years looking for a few specific things, I remembered lessons learned I had nearly forgotten. And for that reason I am glad that I write.

 Being vulnerable at times is really hard and also scary. And yet, those are the times I allow myself to actually drink in what God is trying to teach me. Rather than just talk about it with the many around me, I am pondering it, processing it and putting it to 'pen and paper.' 

 And so this morning, here I sit. And the image that keeps coming to my mind is finger painting. 

 Do you remember being a kid in preschool or Kindergarten and the teacher bringing out the paint? We were given a semi-glossy fresh sheet of white paper and draped in an apron to spare our clothing and then given free reign over creating a finger painting. 

 More often than not, what happens is that it starts out with separated colors and then the more that the child gets going on the painting, the more the colors just smear together and in the end often create a mess of colors on a page, looking more greenish-brown and just smears, than looking like some type of guided painting. 

 I can't separate that image from my own life right now. I'm not finger painting, but it just feels like everything is overlapping and smearing and getting messier until it's becoming one page of just blurred movements. A lot of "What If's" hang in the wind the last few weeks, leaving me smearing my paint rather than making calculated movements to create a clear picture for presentation. To me, I can see each line I draw with my finger (each what if), and I can see each color I am choosing (each category of life needing decisions) but once I get going with all of those, they blend, becoming a smeared painting. One overlaps the other or depends on what happens in the other area. It's messy and complicated. And to the eye of the beholder ..... not all that pretty.

  At the beginning of the year, I chose the word FAITH as my word of the year. Faith plays a role in my every day life, whether we are referring to my faith in God or faith in others. Faith plays a role in everyone's life one way or another. Even if you don't have faith in something or someone particular, you're probably putting faith in yourself. 

 I had little idea when I chose that word what it would come to mean. Faith is not easy. It's a stretch. and I am an analyzer, so for me I complicate the process of faith. I am not always looking to "fix" something, but neither am I just living it out on faith. 

  

  Here is what I am learning currently about faith... 

 first of all, I have a very VERY long way to go in being a living example of daily faith in God. I know I refer to my Colombian experiences often, but these friends and moments have taught me and continue to teach me about how little faith I sometimes have. The last few weeks for me have been hard. I'm experiencing a change in just about every area of life and honestly, I don't really have many answers to the questions that are arising. 

 I speak with my Colombian friends nearly daily and in two separate conversations, it was lovingly said to me that I have good health, I have a job, my family is well.... I should be grateful. 

    .... and they were both correct, as they shared with me not having a paycheck for the last several months, stories of ones close to them fighting hard illness and not being able to get the healthcare they need, the difficulties of the government's opposition, and the struggle to survive. And yet do you know what they are doing every day in my conversations with them? 

  They are always saying how good God is. How they don't have fear because they have seen God provide time and time again. They tell me how yes, it can be stressful, but God is in control regardless of what the outcome in their immediate life is. They are teaching me about faith. 

 My problems are real, yes. The changes are affecting me, yes. My depression and anxiety play a role in how I view and feel what is happening, but listening to them, learning from them, always helps me put my own self and faith into perspective. 

   I have a very long way to go. 

 Each change happening for me right now is all faith dependent and I have no control over any of them, mostly. And the "control" I may have is also faith dependent. So, like a wham over the head, even though it's not so simple to act on faith, that is where I stand. Pray. Pray . and Pray some more. And I know that He knows what is going to happen, what the outcomes will be. He never fails. We fail.People around us fail. But He never does.

 The winter has been long. And exhausting. And a season of faith that I have not been embracing all that well. Winters are blah. It is April and the snow is STILL falling here in Ohio (some days). I am dying for spring to come. But, it matches the season of life I've been facing. 

 Hard decisions. Exhausting days. Questioning results. Let me be real for a moment. For the last few months, I have been working two jobs- my day job and one on the weekends. Through that I have learned so much, but it has been draining. My semester has been long- really it's been good, but long. It changed my schedule at work a little, which changed my workout schedule. And then we have the cold, winter days. So, the winter has been long. But a verse came to my mind the other day...

 Isaiah 40:8 "The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever."

 His promises stand true when the grass is dying and the flowers are hidden beneath the snow.  His promises hold me up when others let me down. His word stands true when circumstances change. I am reminded of a hymn from growing up...

  On faith the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. 

 Faith...

 How could I forget that one small word that God whispered in my ear in the early days of January? I didn't know what the year was going to bring.... but HE did! He knew I would need to stand on my faith stronger than I ever have. He knew that I would be tested. he knew that my world was going to change. And HE wanted to stretch me and grow me and give me opportunities to choose faith over fear. (ouch... just typing that... I realize how many times I choose fear....) 

I take you back to my image of the finger painting. It gets messy, right? The paint is all over the page... the paint is often on the apron and on other places besides the fingers. And yet when the finger painting is carried home by the child, how often does a parent take that painting and hang it proudly on the wall or on the refrigerator? Just like a parent does that, God really takes my own messy self and  holds me up as a masterpiece as well...His masterpiece. He created me. And messy or not, He loves me and He is teaching me and He views me as beautifully and wonderfully made, even when I feel like a smeared mess.  Faith.... it makes all the difference in these days.