Just Write....

One of my best friends asked me yesterday if everything was ok with me because I had not blogged for a little bit.

 The answer is yes. 

  The problem is that every time I sit to write, the words feel too vulnerable, or perhaps things that others may not want to hear. So it causes me to hesitate and leave a blank page, aka- no blog postings.

 So, tonight I will just sit and spill words onto the pages. You can pretend I am writing you a letter, if you wish. Maybe it's just a way of getting the emotions out as I process them. I am a thinker and an analyzer, always trying to understand why I feel what I do and grow from that discovery. The discoveries have been too raw lately, so it's been hard to post about them.

  But, as many writers discovered through the ages, writing to be real often times pans out to be the best works they have ever shared.

The thoughts may sound a little all over the place, but here are some of the ramblings inside my head in recent days..... 

 I am discovering that one of the best "yes" answers I have given thus far in my life is to go back to school. I have been asked by many what that is all about at age 33, especially when I have a job that I really love. The answer, quite honestly, gets a little lengthy, like many of my responses do. But, in short, when I was in high school, I always had a passion for Spanish. I picked it up pretty well and I loved using it. I had always said I was going to use that for missions, one way or another, and I would go get my degree in it. Well, my life path changed and I did not follow those desires. I was given many blessings and new passions and gifts along the way, but the enjoyment of the language never left me. 

 When I went to Colombia and was able to use it again, I knew without a single doubt, that I was supposed to pursue that path, the one I had dismissed more out of neglect than anything else. Saying yes to that journey, knowing God was asking that of me, was and is a challenge. I know many people go back to school at even older ages than what I am. However, many factors play into my pursuit. I do not always have a cheerleader fearlessly telling me to go for it; I rely on God to constantly confirm my desire. I don't always feel like doing the work, but the efforts are paying off. The path is going to be a very long traveled one, so if I dwell upon it, I am intimidated. And as with anything, the doubts do creep in. 

 But then something beautiful happens. I am reminded that yes, this is the path for me, to pursue becoming a translator. Last week I received the beautiful reminder through a phone call that came from Colombia. I was absolutely elated to hear "my" teenagers' voice on the other end.

They had one of our own teams there again and had access to a phone and they called me. I cannot tell you what that did for my heart, because it was one of those experiences that leave me at a lack for words. 

 It was also a confirmation on  a day I really needed it to keep going. 

  I got off the phone and I smiled ear to ear. And then I cried, too. In part, because my heart strings were pulled for that little village even harder once again. In part because I was humbled they called me. And in part, because it was yet again an answer to prayer. I didn't expect the answer through a phone call, but God always surprises me. 

 So, those of you who have wondered why I am going back to school, now you know. This isn't a random choice; this is a choice that was placed in my path years ago, but I am now choosing to walk in it, one step at a time.  Maybe God will ask me to put it on hold again, I don't really know. I just have learned that the best "yes" answers are the ones that call us to be obedient to His ways, and He made this one very clear to me. 

 I have wrestled through some really tough emotional days the last few months. This is also a topic really hard to discuss. It's not because I am embarrassed by the topic, it's more because it's still a taboo topic at times in society. Depression darkens my door more often that I care to admit. It steals my happy thoughts and it battles its own way to making me believe I am not good enough. Many factors play into this, and the more I analyze it, the more I recognize them. But recognition does not always mean I can conquer them. More often than not, I have to learn how to fight through them. And fight is what I do. It's a silent battle, one often unnoticed by most around me. Not because I won't talk about it, but more so because the statements people offer in return make me more frustrated. Words like "just don't think about it" or "just let it go" or even words like "you have mental issues" (duh... lol... I fight depression, which is a mental issue!) cause me to pause in my vulnerability. 

 I don't like that this is part of my story, but I will tell you this: I accept it. The verse in 2 Corinthians has come to mean a very great deal to me. It says "My grace is sufficient for you. For my strength is made perfect in your weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ can work through me."  

   So, I shouldn't be quiet and sit on the topic quite as often as I do. Because it's totally amazing to me the victories God gives me every day, in spite of this weakness, this mental issue, that I battle. I have an amazing family. I have a wonderful job. I am healthy physically. I am growing spiritually. I am blessed with provision for all my needs. In spite of the intense struggles I face on a daily basis, I am blessed. Because HE is my strength. 

 I don't have to love the battle to acknowledge it. I don't have to love the battle to accept it. I just have to embrace the One who fights it for me, and is my strength. Some would tell me I should be more spiritual and it will go away. Others will say to just not dwell on life. There are hundreds of statements that get thrown around about the issue.  But honestly, I am at a place of accepting it and talking about it more lately. 

 It's exhausting. It's heartbreaking. It's frustrating. And it's challenging. 

But He fights it with me. And that is all I need to know and hang on to every day.

  I have re-geared myself in fitness a little bit lately. My brother and I have challenged each other to a few different things, and we are having a good time connecting over those challenges, talking about them and analyzing them. I'm still loving the TRX and the running, too, of course, but now it's the eating healthy part that's being shifted. It's amazing what a determined mindset can do. Truly it's 90% a mental battle to eat the right foods, to tell myself I can. I don't care about the scale (well, maybe a little, but really, I care about being healthy). Feeling healthy physically helps me mentally and emotionally as well. The mindset is much of the battle. I don't talk about it much really (well, except the fact that I'm putting it out here for anyone to read it!). I more just want to do it. It's not about others, it's about me. And taking care of me.

  Our family recently had a very nice vacation. I got to experience some firsts:
    Paddle boarding and kayaking. If you know me well, you know I honestly have a fear of the water. I don't swim well. So, getting on this paddle board and standing up on it and paddling into the middle of the lake was quite frightening for me. But I absolutely loved it! And every time I try new things, I may not love all of them, but I feel accomplished because I didn't give up or quit of stand back in fear. I tried it. I've come a long way in that department, and I am quite thankful for that.It was also a lot of fun because my son did it with me.

  I also got to reconnect with a very dear friend again. It'd been 11 years since we last were together. She was in our wedding. I was in hers. And we picked right up where left off, never skipping a beat. It takes a special friendship to be that way.

 So, that's a lot of random thoughts, but some blogs are just needing to be like that.

 God is good, all the time. And I will keep fighting, growing, learning and striving to be a better mom, wife and a better me every day. One day at a time. 

  

Never Give Up

"Never, Never, Never give up!" -Sir Winston Churchill

 A week has passed since the 5th annual Linda A. Ferguson memorial 5K took place. And it's been a whirlwind week, but as I sit on a beautiful deck with a cup of coffee in hand, watching gentle ripples across the lake, my thoughts on the event are collected and I wanted to take a few minutes to share, as I always do post-event.

 I am probably unique from most race directors in that I will share with you my thoughts and emotions in regards to my event. So, bear with me as I spill my heart on the canvas of this screen for a moment.

 If you are unfamiliar with the event, I became the co-founder of it in 2011 after the passing of my mom. It was a way to keep her memory alive a little bit, to keep her legacy of love living through students who could go out and carry light to cancer patients for years to come. The scholarship became a tangible way we could carry on mom's heart. The event holds her name, as does the scholarship, but it's never really been about my mom, per say. The event is meant to be a means to the continuation of a yearly scholarship for students who need help financially, who ultimately have the goal of helping cancer patients for years and years to come.

 As with any event, bumps occur and problems need worked out. Each year I have faced something. Honestly, it would not be an event if there were no problems in the mix of it all. But this year, the 2016 event, I had a fair share of difficulties. Committed members to helping dropped out on me. Dollars fell through. And competition in the world of 5K's was fierce. In the world of running, the market is becoming saturated and our event was up against at least 7 others in the area (that I was aware of). Needless to say, to sum it up, I was more than frustrated and contemplating giving up the event at the completion of this year's.

As any director would do, and as my mentor taught me, I plugged through the difficulties and aimed to make it the best event that could possibly take place, given the circumstances. I had to make decisions that were tough, but for the benefit of the event, which in essence, was to benefit the scholarship. I was ready to let go of it, if that is what God wanted me to do. But I was going to go out with all I had. I do not quit. It's not in me. I have learned to let go, but there is a difference between letting go and quitting. I have gained an appreciation for the definition of letting go.

 But God did something amazing. Through prayer and humility and an all out seeking Him, He showed up in crazy ways I did not expect.
 In the last week before the event, participation doubled.
    Volunteers came out of the woodwork.
       And a few very good friends-Kevin, Hannah, Cheri, and Lori- stepped up to help in enormous ways.

The morning was beautiful, even if a few raindrops fell. And the 5K was full of surprises for me.
My friends Doug and Kristen surprised me and showed up at the start line... from FLORIDA!  I could not believe that.
  My other friends Rob and Kristin showed up, with hugs and words of encouragement (and some good mentoring, too.)
     Old customers of mine came to support the event.
And much of the nursing department from Cedarville University walked or ran with smiles and CU nursing shirts.
The list goes on, really, but the point is, I felt the love. I felt encouraged. And I embraced the saying of "Never, Never, Never Give Up!"

 As the event kicked off, it held some kinks, but nothing life-shattering, and all experiences which certainly brought to light new learning moments. And thoughts of how to make next year's event a better success. Yes... next year's event. In light of all that happened in the last 2 weeks leading up to the 5K, we will come back in 2017. I am excited to see how the year might reshape the event to grow and be better. I have ideas brewing that could unfold into beautiful results. In the meantime, in memory of my mom, we are able to continue giving to students in need who will in turn make a difference in the lives of countless cancer patients.

 Letting go and Giving up are two very different things. This year, among many lessons, one which is dominant through this event and life in general for me is
 "Never, Never, Never Give Up!"

    You just never know how God is going to show up.  I should really stop being surprised by how He works, but I am constantly amazed. And, not unlike any of the years prior, He taught me much about faith and about friendship. He humbled me. I learned to let go a little more and let Him have the reigns. And I was reminded of the fighter that lives in me. The 5K is not about me at all. I just happen to get to be the hands and feet of the behind the scenes planning of it.
 So, as we move forward into the next year, we will press on and not give up. If God wants me to let go of it, He will show me. But for now, we get to bless another student in the 2016-17 school year.
 
   Never give up! You never know what might be in store. There may be tears and frustrations and times you question, but never give up.  One day it might be time to let go, but today is not that day.
  Keep on keeping on. One day at at time.

Ed Supplee, first place winner coming through the finish line!

The Cedarville University Nursing Dept. 

Runners Warming Up

The Start Line

Surprise! Doug and Kristen, forever friends, Came to run!

What I learned in May

June 2! The days on the calendar are passing quickly. I cannot believe how time just marches on. The kids are growing, I am learning, and life moves faster and faster, no matter how much I try to slow down.
 I love these monthly posts of "what I learned" each month. I skipped April, so I needed to take time to write about May. It forces me to slow down and recapture life a little.


1. I remember more Algebra than I thought!
    - I began my schooling again in May. This has been a lifetime goal, which I once completely disregarded but have rediscovered and am finally pursuing. One class is Algebra 1. I have never been good at math, but I am remembering it a little better than I thought I might. I am rusty, no doubt, but it's not quite as hateful as I thought it might be. The English class, on the other hand, is all writing! I love it, but I have not been critiqued for a very long time on my writing, so this is a very good experience for me.

 2. I do not like to run in hail, but I wouldn't trade it for anything!
   - So the Cleveland race, as I wrote about it in mid- May, was not at all what I expected it to be. I did not anticipate a good finish time, or even a memorable race. However, the snow, hail, rain, sleet and wind that I faced in that race has left a lifetime memory for me. I left that race numb, but completely  happy. I felt like running through all of that mess left me with a significant lesson that I can do it! I can run faster than I think. I can push through walls. I can keep going. And no matter who or what obstacle may be in my way- whether it's running or life's path- I can do it. yes, it'll be a struggle. But I can do it. I loved that race simply because of the absolutely ridiculous weather.

3. I love TRX!
   - I am now 2 months into this class. I still am really bad at it,  the worst in the class really. And I know it. But it doesn't stop me. I am growing stronger. Even if I cannot see it, I can feel it. And as corny as this may seem to many, accomplishing new workouts in the class is also strengthening me emotionally. It's much like running- determination and mind come down to a lot of it. For sure I am experiencing moments in this class that I feel completely stupid, but all in all, it's growing me- physically, yes, which is a large part of the goal. But little may the others know it, it's also strengthening me inwardly as a person and spiritually. God does that....when I let Him. Eventually I may be as good as the others in the class, but it's not really a comparison game. It's an individual game, with cheerleaders next to me. I love those people already!

If ONLY I looked this good doing TRX. One day.... I am determined. But today is not yet that day. 

 4. I have a Freshman in high school now!
   - What is happening!?! My daughter is now moving on to high school. I am determined to savor moments with her. In April, we went to a mother/daughter tea, and had a very enjoyable time together. She's growing up so fast.

 5. New Bands:
    - So, I am super bad at knowing the current....or older... bands. Pretty much I don't know bands at all. Well, It has become a game almost now in the office to ask me what band is playing. I next -to -never know! But I am learning little by little. I got totally schooled on Prince after he died. And I have learned about a band called Crosby, Stills, Nash,  and Young. (Don't ask me to tell you their songs.... ) It's interesting to me to learn all of these, though. Those are just a couple of examples. I enjoy culture.

6. Tattoos:
  - OK, I actually got this in April, but since I didn't write in April what I learned, I am sharing it now. I suppose I will embrace the idea that I really like tattoos. For me, they tell a part of my story. I see them and remember and they serve as a visual for what God has done and is doing in my life. We actually scheduled the tattoos back in October, but our guy was that booked up. So, I had an idea at that time what I wanted, but as time went along, it became very clear to me what I needed to remember:

 So, the palm tree represents different areas of life for me. One, I love the tropics. My heart beats happier there. and my years lived in the tropics were some of my best. So it reminds me of a happy place. But that being said, did you know that a palm tree is made to bend in storms, and not break? It's rare that they break (it happens, but not too often.) They also represent triumph. In the Bible, the people waved palm fronds when Jesus came in on the donkey. In essence, as I see that, I remember to be strengthened through my storms. To bend but not break. To rejoice in my victories and come out stronger. For a girl who battles depression, this is something important to hold on to.
  The word on the tattoo is Creeré. I love speaking Spanish (that is what I am aiming to get my degree in now). This word is placed in the tattoo for a variety of reasons. One, it means "I will believe" which is significant. Two, it blends my love of Spanish. and Three, I wrote a blog on it here, which will spare me from writing it all over again. But Colombia was a very important marker in time for me and I don't want to forget it.
 So, that is what my tattoo means.

     May flew by in the blink of an eye. But... I have no doubt June has good things to bring my way. One day at a time.

Quilted Memories

My mind is swimming with a variety of thoughts. That's not completely uncommon, but this week in particular, there is much to be accomplished. I am entering the week of my 5K, which is in memory of my mom. The event itself always brings on a flood of "to-do" items, memories of mom, learning and growth of my own self and knowledge of the running industry, and likely very little sleep!

 This will be a busy week for sure, but yesterday I took time to myself. I took time away from the chaos, away from my computer on-line classes, and away from the home. I took time to meet with a couple of my friends from my Colombia trip.

 The joy that I take away from those conversations sits deep in my soul. They are conversations of reminiscing over what God did in each of our lives during that time- which is so good to continually remember. The conversations are of dreams of what we want to happen in our futures. And they are conversations of sharing the pain of life as well.

 Both of the women I had the chance to catch up with are very dear friends, and to have time to sit and soak in some new moments was priceless.

 Barb, one of my friends whom I met yesterday, is a quilter. A long story short, Barb agreed to make a quilt out of my running shirts.  I always had wanted one of these, but they are crazy expensive. So, Barb's agreement to make one for me at a very generous cost made me more than happy.

 Yesterday, Barb gave me that finished quilt.  I had no idea what to expect, since I gave her all my shirts and told her to put it together however she wanted. I didn't ask for specific shirts on there, and I certainly gave her enough. So, when I unfolded the quilt in anticipation, I was immediately taken down memory lane. Allow me to share what flutters through my mind as I looked at the quilt.....

 Square one: I run because.... Kentucky Derby half marathon 2015. That race in particular doesn't hold a significant memory, but the shirt was one of my favorites because behind the phrase "I Run Because" were people's reasons as to why they run. Reasons given by runners in the race itself. And I love reading those. Running holds a huge place in my heart, in case you didn't know. ;) And so I found that a significant shirt to start off my quilt.

 Square two: Monumental Half Marathon 2015. That race was significant to me because I trained hard through the fall for that event. But in the process of that training, I learned an even bigger lesson in life- the lesson of letting go. Lessons that will forever be engrained in my heart and mind and lessons I will carry with me for a lifetime.

 Square three, ten, and twelve:  Linda A. Ferguson memorial 5K shirts. Obviously, that sits closely to my heart because it is an event in memory of my mom. It's an event I gave birth to and have enjoyed putting on yearly. Through that event, I have grown as a person in more ways than one, and I have learned hundreds of lessons. It is an event which led me to my current job with the Air Force Marathon.

 Square four: The Flying Pig Marathon. The only full marathon I have ever run.

 Square five: The Air Force Marathon. Special to me for a million reasons. That shirt in particular happens to be from the year I was going to run the 5K but it actually got cancelled because of lightning. Still, it's very special to me. Simply because of being the Air Force Marathon.

 Square six: Girls on the Run 5K. Barb picked that because her granddaughter was involved with that program. For me, I ran that event for the cause.

 Square seven: Xenia Half Marathon, 2014. I did not finish with a particularly amazing time. But that event was a time in life I was facing significant hardship, and the race to me signified being able to push through it.

 Square eight: Foam Fest 5K. Just for fun. I don't do very many of those, but I admit- that event was a blast! My friend Alyssa and I ran through crazy obstacles, mud, water, walls, and inflatables full of foam. That was a great time!

 Square nine: GloRun. That was an event my son and I ran together. I can recall it very clearly still.

 Square eleven: Harrigans 5K. That event holds my 5K PR. It rained, but it was a good event.

  I had so many shirts that didn't get to make the quilt, but that didn't matter- looking at the quilt makes me happy, makes me remember. It would mean nothing to anyone else, but to me.... it reminds me of that which I am capable.

 It brings back memories.

 My son asked me if I would have another quilt made with the rest of the shirts. I told him probably not. At least not for a long time. Then again, perhaps one day I will, and the quilts may get passed on to my kids, eventually.

 For now, if you know me well, you know I am more often than not cold. So, I wrap myself up in the quilt, all the while wrapped up in the memories.

 Oh- and one of the neatest things also on the quilt is that Barb stitched a runner girl in the corner. She is one talented woman! I am grateful for her handiwork, but even more so for her friendship.

The Cleveland Experience

I spent the last 4 days in Cleveland for work, and I am coming home with more than one story to tell. This was the last travel for work for a while, and I am glad for that, but it was one to go out with a bang - in a good way, mind you.

 This was my first time in Cleveland, and there, you will often hear the phrase "the Cleveland Experience." I am sure it is some kind of marketing that was made up for the city, and I have to tell you, I am leaving with Cleveland experience stories. I could make this a 2 part blog, but I will refrain from that and do my best to summarize for you. One of my favorite parts of doing the travel is getting to have new experiences with new people, running at new events, and recapturing my thoughts to remember for the days to come.

 The story of the weekend was the race. As is typical when I get to travel to other marathons, I took the advantage of running the event (the half marathon, of course.) I have been training for this particular event since March. I changed my eating habits slightly and I have been going to the TRX class as part of my training schedule. For this race, I didn't aim for a PR, but I was aiming for 2:32 minutes. I wanted to feel improvement from my last run in March, and I am working diligently towards being a better runner, and this event was a baseline for me to gauge how that was going.

 I packed for this travel on Tuesday (left on Thursday) and did my packing based off the weather forecast at that point in time. In the time frame of our arrival to Cleveland, the weather forecast changed every day. I had to buy clothes while I was there in order to be properly dressed for running on Sunday. Even then, I could have done with a little bit more attire, but I made do.

 Thursday and Friday were mostly beautiful days. Saturday it turned colder, with more rain. And by Sunday... May 16.... the forecast told us snow, sleet, hail and rain were in line for the day. Who could ever have guessed that for May! This would be one for the books, that's for sure.

 My co-worker was going to walk the 10K, and I run the half. We met to walk to the start line and made our way a few blocks. We were both surprised that it wasn't as cold as we had anticipated.
 We wanted to check out the start line area before we made our way into our corral, and as we neared the start area, I felt someone pinch me. I turned around and my FAMILY was there! They surprised me, drove 3 hours (leaving at 3:30 am) and showed up at the start line to see me. I was so surprised and so happy, it made my day! They were not prepared for the cold of Cleveland either.

 The race began on time, and off we went! I said goodbye to Jeanette and took off at my race pace. The first mile was dry. And then the sleet started. And then little balls of hail. Tiny enough to not leave bruises, but big enough to sting the skin. This carried on through all the miles. I will not bore you with mile to mile details, but I will tell you by Mile 5, there was no more dodging puddles, the feet were soaked. The hail and rain and sleet and snow mixture got harder, while the temperatures were colder. The wind came and went throughout the miles, being stronger in some places. By mile 6, I put my glasses in my pocket- I could not see through them and nothing was left dry on me to wipe them off. By mile 9, I could not feel my hands or my right arm. I was soaked and absolutely freezing. I just kept moving. when I thought about walking, I did not. 1. Because I was making good time and I wanted to maintain that. and 2. Because I was honestly afraid if I began to walk that I would freeze. So, I plugged away. At mile 11, with frozen hands, I looked at them. They felt like they were bent into place! I blew warm breath on them, trying to make the blood flow. I gave up and just kept moving.

 Mile 12 was a bridge. I was numb. Literally. I understand that sounds exaggeratory, but I promise you, I was numb. I wanted to walk, but I had gone that far without yet stopping, so I pushed through it. I maintained fairly well. The wind was wicked on that bridge. The first half of that mile was tough, but as I pushed through it, the end of the bridge gave me a little more "umph" to my step. I could see the finish line... and I was pushing it. I felt good, aside from being frozen and numb. I looked for my family for a moment, but at that time, the sleet and snow were falling so hard, I couldn't see anyway, so I focused on my finish and I felt amazing about my time! I was so happy with it. I finished ahead of the 2:32 and was almost at a PR (one minute off). I wasn't aiming for one, so I didn't mind missing it. I was super happy with my finish time, especially because of the weather conditions! Who could have seen that happening in MAY!?! It had to be record bad weather for their event.

 My family was there, waiting for me, shivering and doing their best to stay warm. I was so happy they came; I know their experience of standing around had to be fairly miserable. I could not feel my hands to call my coworker and tell her where to meet me. (Michael pulled his phone out and did it for me.) I was shivering and my body did not know what was happening. I have never been more grateful for a heat sheet at a race finish. I could not even stop to take the finish line food- I needed to keep moving. My family hugged me, drove me to my hotel and said goodbye- they were going to make their way back home.

 I literally stood in the shower for 40 minutes, trying to warm up. I was freezing, but at the same time, I was happy and would not trade that race experience for anything.

 You never know what weather you will get in a race. This was for sure a first for me (and I hope a last), and I most certainly would not have predicted snow and hail and sleet in May. If I didn't have these pictures to prove it, you wouldn't believe me. So, while I am not a huge fan of some of these, I am sharing them nonetheless, because they were part of my Cleveland experience.

  A few more notes about my Cleveland experience. While I could write more about it, I will do a bullet point for you (with pictures).
  - We attended a dress up party. I didn't know anyone, but by the end of the evening, I did, and I enjoyed that experience. I enjoy people and I enjoy learning. And I got to do both through the evening. I had fun dressing up, which I never do to this extent. It's not my typical scene, but a change of scenery is always nice once in a while.

 - We chose a "Best of Ohio" restaurant to eat in, and we decided it was wisely placed on the list. It overlooked the lake. We had good conversation and a beautiful view.

 - I met a really cool person named Star. Star and her husband direct another race in Ohio. She does motivational speaking. I learned a lot about her story and her career, and she left me with some wise words in one of our conversations. Advice that will sit with me for a lifetime. Advice that deserves its own blog and perhaps will most likely find its way to one soon. She said that in one of her motivational speeches, she tells her audience the 3 words a person (or runner) should never use :  "Only. But. and Slow." As we talked more about that, it resonated in my heart, because I use those words far too often, and they put me down. She had wisdom behind this. She inspired me and encouraged me. And she will stick with me for a lifetime, whether she knows it or not.

 - Greeting cards are my favorite. If you know me,  you know how much I enjoy giving cards out. American Greetings was one of the sponsors of this event. They gave cards away, and I was elated to get cards that were motivational about running to take with me to write to friends in the future. They also had a giant greeting card in the lobby area, and yes... I had to take my photo with it. (My gracious coworkers always put up with my photo habits.... it's part of documenting for my memories, as cheesy as it may seem.) They also had a place for you to take your own photo and it be sent to you. Well, we did this. And I am going to share this, but I need to give you the story behind it, because we are holding signs up in the picture.
 Prior to Star's and my conversation, a runner came to our table talking to us. Long story short, he saw I was running the event and asked me about it. He asked my projected finish time. When I told him, he didn't even hesitate to say "Oh! I pace the slow runners!"  I was a little speechless for  a moment. He was implying my time was slow and proceeded to talk on to me about that. (one more reason Star's talk with me was meaningful) Anyway, it became the joke of the weekend, that I pace the slow runners.

 Needless to say, while the weekend held many different events- from high heels to sneakers and sunshine to snow- my Cleveland experience was one for the books. But one I would not trade.

Mother's Day 2016

Mother's Day.

 In part, I am full of emotion, but struggle to put together the words.
 The memories flood my soul, which bring joy to my heart and a smile to my face.

But it is a bitter sweet day, as mom has been gone 5 years. It doesn't get easier, it just gets different.

Facebook is flooded with pictures of women laughing with their mothers and wishing them well.
 The stores are saturated with mother's day cards and flowers.

 I carry a single carnation to my mom's grave today. And this is my version of handing her a mother's day card. One she will never read or see, but words well deserved for a mom who has left me a legacy in her absence.

 I rejoice today because I am a mom of 2 wonderful children. They bring me thrills and they bring me frustrations. They teach me and stretch me. They help me become a better me. Sometimes along this journey, I miss my mom fiercely, wishing I had her to talk to, to understand how in the world she put up with the emotional me at 13, as I know I am now walking that same crazy path with my own 13 year old daughter.

 I have been spoiled today by my family with heartfelt hand written cards from my kids, who know that no matter how old they get, I will always embrace the hand written words.  I have been showered with unexpected gifts, things my kids have remembered me saying through the months of "I wish I had that..." . And Michael has smothered me with flowers and some amazing cooking. I am enjoying what it means to be a mom.

 And I am remembering my own mom.

 As I sit quietly by her grave today, I know there is no magic in where her tombstone is. This is not a place where she is physically. I don't often come here. But today, there is beauty in the stillness. There is a closeness somehow, even if just for a few quiet minutes in my day. No one is talking and there is no media shouting.

 It's the birds- which my mom so loved to observe- and the green grass, and me.

 The wind whips gently around me, evidence of God's embrace in my life.

 Mother's Day will always be bitter sweet.

  For the thousand memories I hold of mom, I experience the newly made moments, knowing how she would enjoy them, were she here.

 For the legacy she left behind, I hope to grow to become like my mom was.

  For the laughter she found in the every day moments, I hope to be clothed with the same attitude.

   As I sat and helped Joseph in the late hours of the night this week with his book report, I recalled how my mom sacrificed hours of sleep countless times to help me with my projects. I had the funniest memory come to me  when I was in third grade, I had a solo in the school Christmas play, and mom spent hours sewing a costume for me- a red and white cow costume.  I don't know what brought that to mind, but I smiled at that.

 Mom never complained. Mom never asked for more. She gave all she had.

  When I lost mom, I lost the biggest cheerleader I ever had. She was at all my soccer games when I was the worst player ever (not an understatement, I seriously was.) She came to my basketball and volleyball games. She sat in the audience at all my plays, multiple nights of them, just to be there for me.

  Mom came to all the football games because I played in the band. She cooked meals and she drove me everywhere . (I didn't appreciate that at the time... now I fully understand how much time and gas that took.)

 My mom was there when my children were born, and while she wasn't here when I miscarried, she was there in presence and letters, because she, herself, had lost a child -  after delivery.

 Mom prayed for me, every day. Something special that mothers do best.  Something I've rarely heard anyone say to me since.

 Mom sent me scripture notes and encouraged me in my faith.

 She taught me to clean and taught me to bake. But more than that, she taught me that those things don't matter in the scheme of life- time with each other is what matters. She would sometimes put aside cleaning or chores to play a game with me. We played hundreds of hands of Dutch Blitz and multiple other games. We laughed until we cried. We sang songs. She told stories.

 One time when mom was in the hospital, she was pretty ill, and couldn't speak, but her sense of determination and humor remained. The kids were fairly young and we sat in her room. We decided to play a game. We would make up a story and every time a certain word was said, someone would have to make a trumpet noise. It was sort of like learning a new word kind of game. Anyway, mom made the trumpet noise and there were times we said the word as often as we could that instead of trumpet noise, we would all just laugh. My kids remember that.

 My mom taught me to love.
  Love with all I have.
   Never give up.
     Be true to who I am, to who God has made me.


Mom cared for me when I was sick, even to a point of lying on my hard floor the night after my tonsillectomy. She got up in the night with me when I couldn't sleep. She read to me.

I  can remember getting up and finding my mom so many times sitting at her desk, early in the morning, reading her Bible and praying. She lived faith and taught me faith.

 She had her flaws- everyone does. But more often than not, she chose joy over sorrow. She laughed instead of cried. She hugged me instead of saying angry words. She loved me when I was unlovable. She cheered me on when others laughed. And she stayed by my side, even when she disagreed with me.

 To an average person on the street, she may have been just another Cedarvillian. But to me, she was my mom. My hero.

 Mom is gone, but her legacy lives on.

 I hope that I can one day leave that same legacy. Those are pretty big shoes to fill.

 Today, when I sat down to write, I don't want this post to be sad. I miss my mom, and a part of me will always shed tears over her absence. But, she is in the perfect place. She lives in Heaven. And one day I will see her again.
  I will miss her forever. But forever here on earth is just a drop of time in the bucket of eternity.

 I am grateful for the legacy my mom left me.  I hope that I can leave a legacy and live like my mother did. In the Rachael kind of way, but with the Linda touches laced all through out it.

 So, while this is the most non-traditional mother's day card that will never make its way to a Hallmark shelf...

 Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
  You lived, you laughed, you loved
   You taught, you played, you disciplined.
You cheered, you cried, you prayed.
    You defined motherhood for me.
You inspired me to be a better me- always- and you continue to do so.
    You can never be replaced.

 The memories live on.
  The tears fall occasionally, but mostly, I smile.
 
  I hope that I can be a mother one day like you were.
And those lessons, those memories, and that legacy
 is the greatest gift you ever gave me.

 You may never have worn a cape, but you will always be my superhero.

Happy Mother's Day.

 You are not here, but I will celebrate you anyway.
 Today and every day.

Because you were an amazing mom.

Courage

Painters bleed their emotions on a canvas.
 Singers belt out their feelings through lyrics.
Writers drip vulnerability through the ink of their words.

 All are a form of artistry. I am an artist, whether it would ever be recognized in that manner or not.
I am real and raw and I won't apologize for it.

When I've had a bad day or I am learning powerful lessons, or I am bursting with joy over God's work in my life, I want to do one of two things, because these things help me process the lessons, help me grow and keep going. Thus, I typically want to...
 Run.
  Or Write.
Today, I write. I will drip the vulnerability of my growth through the words pushed out with passion on the keys of my computer.

I read a quote this week that has sat with me in a potent manner. It was by e.e. cummings and it said "it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

 I have been growing up so much in the last year, and becoming who God has always meant me to be. But yes, it does take courage some days. I'm not sharing this to toot my own horn. I share this because I think it also takes courage to be real and raw, and being real and raw help me to continue growing into who I am. I share this because it is His story, told through my life.
 Fighting for what's worth it, when no one else understands or gets it .
  Letting go when holding on would be less painful.
Moving forward when the past tries to claw its way into every day.
    Growing stronger when the world says those actions are weakness.
 Overcoming lies verbalized or criticisms handed out with the truths God clearly teaches.

 Courage. Bravery. Strength. 

 At times, exhibiting these is exhausting. Having courage and being brave are choices. Growing up and becoming who you really are is a process, one which we have the opportunity to choose or walk away from, one which develops strength from the most inward parts of the soul. At times, courage and bravery are lonely.

 It takes courage to recognize what needs to be let go and what is worth holding onto for dear life.
  It takes courage to fight for the things that are worth it, especially when so many say to give up.
 It takes courage to move forward when the past wants to hold you back.
 It takes courage to grow stronger, when it's far easier to give into the weaknesses.
   It takes courage to have a voice of victory, rather than the voice quitting.
 It takes courage to know when to say no and when to say yes.
 It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. 

  I am learning this daily in my life as I push through obstacles, as I see more and more I need to let go of in order to grow into the more necessary parts of me. I am not so sure I am all that courageous, but I am intently listening to what God has to say and looking to Him to help me become who I really am, from the inside out. The topic has crossed my path too much lately to be ignored, And thus, I write about it.
  It's a little private, but at the same time, if we don't verbalize our struggles, how can we help each other? How can another know that the thing they struggle with the most- perhaps the thing hindering them from finding the courage to be who they are meant to be-  if we don't talk about it?

    Courage. It takes courage to share in a vulnerable manner. It takes courage to write. It takes courage to be me some days. But it's a battle worth fighting. Because, again, as I become the me I am made to be, to grow up and exhibit the qualities with which God has most gifted me, He makes new avenues of opportunity. He shows up in the most unexpected ways. He is one step ahead of me, gently calling me forward with the wave of His hand...."come on, Rachael... you can do this... I got you!" And that's the most important place to be.
   Courage. Strength. Bravery. Words that intertwine themselves in a daily weave of definitions.
      At the start of the year, I chose Strength/Strong as my word for the year. The way that definition is playing into my every day life is sort of incredible. As I have studied the word and sifted it through the verses of the Bible, so often it is paired with courage. And as often as it is paired with courage, it also is addressed as not being my own strength, but finding the strength of God within me. Later I will blog more about that word, but today, I ask you, where do you need to exhibit more courage?
  It lives in you.... sometimes you have to dig deep, and other times it's just at the surface, ready to roar like a lion.
   What are you waiting for?

  Joshua 10:25 

Joshua said to them, "Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the Lord will do to all the enemies you are going to fight."