It is a word that breaks the heart. Cancer is a word no one wants to hear and few know how to handle upon first hearing it. Cancer is a disease that steals life and changes the world, and not really in a positive way. Cancer is a very difficult sickness to face, whether the one going through it or the ones walking along side those going through it.
Today is World Cancer Day.
When I heard this was a day and that today was it, of course my thoughts were instantaneously drawn to my mom. I wanted to do a clever picture or post on facebook or a moment to remember my mom, but none of that seemed appropriate. So I turned inward, as I often do. and decided to put my thoughts, best as I could, to the black and white screen, pushing out the emotions that the word "cancer" captures in my soul.
Unfortunately, I have had much exposure to cancer. My grandfather walked a cancer journey and he was the first person I was very close to who passed away when I was 18. I was touched by numerous people through the years of my growing up who went through cancer or lost their battle to it. I also saw victorious stories. But cancer really changed my life's perspective when my mom was diagnosed with it.
If you'll allow me, I'm going to take you through that journey a little bit from my perspective and share what cancer has taught me through the years.
December, 2006. At that time, my family and I lived in Florida. Joseph was 2. Elizabeth was 4. And we had traveled to Ohio for Christmas to be with my parents. We enjoyed our holiday as usual and laughed and the kids had their first experience in the snow. Mom kept working to get me, my sister and her together at one time, just the 3 of us, which was not usually something she pushed, as working the schedules was always tricky. But we finally made it work. I drove mom and myself to meet my sister. And that morning, in the corner of Tim Hortons cafe on Dayton Yellow Springs Rd, my world changed forever.
You know those moments you can recall an exact space, an exact hour and every detail? That Tim Hortons will forever be that for me. That was where my mom told us she had cancer.
I was shocked. I could not respond, as my mom had always been so healthy. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. And I certainly had no idea how I was going to return to Florida, knowing mom was in a battle for life.
I could walk you through hours of this story as it still plays through my mind like a movie. Mom fought back. She had surgery; I flew in to help care for her. She had complications, but she never quit. She went into remission. Fast forward to 2007, God had this crazy notion to walk my family through a very trying time of losing jobs and such and moving to the only place we knew to go: home to Ohio. That transition was one of the pivoting points in our lives, and not really always with good memories. But nonetheless, God's plans are always greater than ours.
2009: Mom's cancer returned, in a very strange way- in the lung. Because of the nature of it showing up in that location, the doctor was convinced it was new cancer and not a metastasized version. They removed one of mom's lungs only to discover it was actually Stage IV cancer which had metastasized from the original cancer just years before. It was another moment I will forever recall, in Miami Valley Hospital as the doctor gave us that news. Again, we were left speechless. Again, mom chose to fight... and that she did.
She went through radiation and chemo. At this point, I was understanding more why God had moved my family to Ohio. I wouldn't have wanted to be in any other place. It was a difficult time, to say the least. But mom fought. Mom laughed. Mom loved. And mom never gave up. She was constantly the rock for us, when we should have been that for her. I remember one time she had a very lengthy chemo treatment and I was at her side and I believe my sister was there too. We are card players, so we did what we knew to do: we played cards while the chemo did its thing. And that moment I will never forget how some silly realization about the deck in the middle of the game put the three of us into hysterics. I mean, we must have seemed completely crazy to the other patients when the nurse had to come tell us to keep it down! That was my mom, though... always laughing. Always finding the best in every moment.
I became a Relay for Life advocate. Mom was by my side. Mom came out to it, which remains one of my favorite photos of her with my kids, under the sign of our relay team, her proudly being a "survivor" still in the battle of it, but supporting me in the endeavor of what I was doing.
I could share story after story here, which is how this blog began. Life changed in November of 2010 when mom woke up and could not talk. She could not write. She could clearly understand us, though. That day we learned she had 3 tumors pressing on the brain. The cancer was moving rapidly.
And yet, without being able to speak, when asked, mom nodded her head... she wanted to keep fighting. More radiation. More chemo.
The journey continued and mom fought her hardest. She never regained speech fully, but I will forever hold those months as precious that we had, just sitting next to each other, and every so often she would pat my hand, reassuring me. Wrapped in her green sweater... smiling without words. She didn't need words to continue teaching me life lessons through those moments.
I will recall sitting next to her bedside one day in the closer months to her passing and thinking "today could be her last day..." but also clearly learning I was worrying about that so much that I was likely not enjoying the moments I still had with her. Mom was teaching me without saying any words. In her bed, with hospice on call.... she was teaching me about enjoying life while I can. Weird, right?
We were all with her the night she passed away, minus my younger brother, who hadn't made it in quite yet. March 20, 2011 is another moment that cancer engrained into my life forever- the moment I said goodbye to mom here on this earth.
Cancer did ultimately take the life of my mom. But in the process, my mom taught me beautiful lessons. In essence, cancer taught me lessons through its disease. I hate cancer, yes. Cancer changed my world. But I loved my mom so much, and she taught me to take hard times and allow those to grow me, and change me for the better.
So on world cancer day, I remember my mom and a million memories that wrap their warmth around me. On world cancer day, while i have of course not experienced it in my physical body, I walked it with mom and I will share that cancer taught me to love deeper, even when it hurts. Cancer taught me life is so short and I need to seize the opportunities that come my way. Cancer taught me to fight against the difficult moments. Caner taught me the value of "one day at a time". Cancer taught me to value what matters. Cancer taught me more than I wanted to learn at my age, but left me with lessons unforgettable.
I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone nor for others to watch a loved one walk it. But I do know that mom would want me not to grieve on a day of world cancer day, but to teach others what I have learned in the process.
Thanks for the lessons, mom, even 9 years later your cancer still teaches me....
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| Relay for Life, mom's last year of life, 2010 |
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