there are too many thoughts today that I'm not even sure where I am supposed to begin.
I want to pen all my thoughts and emotions about my marathon, a week ago. That was such an amazing journey, it will need to be a longer post. But today is about mom. It is mother's day, of course, so she is on my mind. I looked everywhere for something she had written me before she got really sick and I cried so hard when I just could not find it anywhere. I know those moments are bound to happen, but this was the first-I've been so careful to know where I've placed all the little things from her. But somewhere hidden in my home is this book of things she had written me in her healthy years. It's the memories that count...but having those things to hold in my hand matter too.
I had my moments today of pure joy in my moments as being a mom myself. But I also had my quiet moments of tears, missing my mom. Longing for her. I am sure that probably every mother's day will hold moments like that for me.
Today , as odd as this may seem, instead of writing a blog about my emotions, I am going to write a letter to my mom. It will, of course, contain my emotions within it, though.
Dear Mom,
How can it be that over a year has passed now since you have been gone? There are days that it seems like a decade has passed, and then there are days that it seems like it was just yesterday. It seems kind of odd to write a letter to you as if you are here, but I'm not quite sure how to handle mother's day without you-my mom-in my presence. So I'll write a letter and share what I would as if you were sitting next to me.
I thought I'd experienced the worse of my life in the midst of my grief and the fog that I lived life in the last year or so. But now as I come out of that fog and move back into a new reality, and a new way of seeing life, I see how much damage I allowed within my self and within my home in the time that I was in my grief fog. Not to blame things on grief. It's just priorities got all out of whack. I wish I had you here to tell me that. You were always so good at helping me see the good in me as well as helping lovingly correct my wrongs. Now, I am getting back on track. God has and is opening my eyes to so many things. When you passed away, a big hole was left. And to some degree, there will always be a hole there probably. but God is showing me and teaching me to fill all holes with HIM!!! That has never been an easy task for me, but I am learning and I am , one day at a time, doing my best to do just that. He is teaching me to be more honest with myself and others. He is teaching me to be careful with vulnerability and friendships. He is teaching me deeper love and prayer. You were always such a prayer warrior in my life, and such an example of one. I am striving to be that way, too.
Michael and I are becoming best friends again. He is amazing, mom. His love and care are showing in all new ways, and I wish you could see it. How I've been through all this grief and messiness has not been easy for him, either. and he is being incredible.
It feels good , in certain aspects, to begin new chapter of life. You wouldn't want me stuck where I was, nor would God or even myself. Now, I m growing at a deeper level and learning new things and God is really changing me. I'm still me....just a "new, better" me....I hope. It's not easy-it's even quite painful at times....but it's what is and always has been the best.
Being a mom without having you, mom, is hard sometimes. When Elizabeth is facing crazy things, it's so hard not to have you to call and say "HELP! I'm going to pull my hair out!" Or like today, when Elizabeth was baptized on mother's day, it was a piece of sadness not having you there. Or those moments when Joseph is all boy and pushing me to all limits, it's so hard not having you to call. Or the days when he gets all good grades....There will never be anyone to replace you. But I'm learning how to be who God is calling me to be.
He knew long ago that I would be in this place where I am today. He knew you'd be gone to be "home" with Him. He knew my struggles. His plan is perfect, and unfolds itself in one way or another, no matter the kinks we place in trying to fight Him. I watched you never fight His plan. I watched you be on your knees. I watched you accept. I watched you fight cancer with all you had and then give into it with apeace. All because you followed Him. You were the best mom ever. I know everyone says that about their mom, but they didn't have you. You were the best. I miss you so much. But I am pressing forward for the first real time in a long time, mom. I miss you like crazy. I love you. And I will try to keep carrying out your legacy day by day....not only your legacy....but the legacy God is calling me to leave as well.
Always your daughter,
Rachael
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Home is where the heart is
It has been said that "Home is where the heart is." There have been many times I have paused to think about that in recent years, but on this trip, I have thought about that often. I guess I have a few homes, then. Ohio is my home; Heaven will be my home; and Florida has been and always will be a home for me, too. All 3 places hold big pieces of my heart.
My statement down here that I have found myself saying while being here with all our best friends again is : "I found the missing pieces of my heart." Let me explain.
Some of you who read this did not know me before Ohio-we have become friends since my return to my home state in 2007. Some of you who read this have not seen me since my move away from Florida in 2007. But Michael has had to live with me through the entire journey....and it hasn't been easy.
We left here (Florida) in November 2007. It wasn't by a lot of choice...it was because it was what we had to do. Saying that, I do not regret our move at all. It was a total God formed experience. I was able to be with my mom in her last healthy years, and be there for her and dad in her last months. I am eternally grateful to God for that. I am happy to be in Ohio....not doubting it is where God wants us.
But as we drove back into our "home" state of Florida, the wave of emotions set in. This is where we started our life together....and when we left it 5 years ago, i truly did leave part of my heart here. I loved the warmth, the latin culture, the laughter, the friendships, the church....I loved every part of life here. And since leaving, life turned upside down....we experienced a move, job change(s),financial strife, death, depression, and heartache.The journey we have walked the last 5 years has been tough, for lack of any better word. I believe it has been just a part of molding us into who we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to learn, who God wants me to become. But believing that and accepting it are sometimes and often 2 different things.
Coming back to see old friends has been such a blessing and a joy. We have laughed until we have cried, we have talked about old times and new times, we have shared cups of coffee and meals. On Sunday, we showed up at our old church, surprising everyone! We'd only shared with our best friends with whom we are staying that we were coming. It was a priceless moment to see everyone's faces. There were tears, hugs, jaws dropped, and joy. We felt like we had never left. We felt the love lavished on us.
That's where the missing piece of my heart comes in. I found it. When we left, I really did leave a tiny part of me here. I have never been quite the same. I do believe that we are supposed to change and grow as life goes on, and I have for sure done that. But until we returned here, I don't think I realized just how big that little piece of my heart was that I left here. Life is kind of like a puzzle sometimes...and mine has been all about putting the pieces together the last several years . It was put together once, then got "taken apart" only so it can be put back together again. God does that sometimes for growth purposes. Sometimes we never learn His purpose. The point is, only God can put me back together again. And slowly I think I am beginning to let Him. It dawned on me today that if we had come here a few years ago, I might not have been ready to because leaving would only break me further. But here we are. Leaving will be hard, no doubt. But maybe I found my missing puzzle piece and so I can go back "home" put more together. Maybe God waited 5 years to bring me "home" just for that reason. Who knows? Regardless, it's been wonderful being here.
It's been a refreshing time for us as a family....we don't get much quality time together. And it's been a refreshing time for me....I needed my girls around me again. I needed the beach and the reminders.I needed this time with my husband. I needed to remember where we were once...where we are now...how much God has done and is doing even now. I needed to laugh. I may not be totally rested physically -we've been on the go having fun:) . But my heart needed this emotional rest and rejuvenation even more, and that I have found.
So yes, I do believe home is where the heart is. And I am blessed enough to be able to say I have a few homes. And one day at a time, I will keep letting God put my pieces back together. And allowing Him to take me where He guides. If mom were here, I'd be telling her all about my trip....but I have no doubt she'd be happy that I found this little piece of my heart again.
My statement down here that I have found myself saying while being here with all our best friends again is : "I found the missing pieces of my heart." Let me explain.
Some of you who read this did not know me before Ohio-we have become friends since my return to my home state in 2007. Some of you who read this have not seen me since my move away from Florida in 2007. But Michael has had to live with me through the entire journey....and it hasn't been easy.
We left here (Florida) in November 2007. It wasn't by a lot of choice...it was because it was what we had to do. Saying that, I do not regret our move at all. It was a total God formed experience. I was able to be with my mom in her last healthy years, and be there for her and dad in her last months. I am eternally grateful to God for that. I am happy to be in Ohio....not doubting it is where God wants us.
But as we drove back into our "home" state of Florida, the wave of emotions set in. This is where we started our life together....and when we left it 5 years ago, i truly did leave part of my heart here. I loved the warmth, the latin culture, the laughter, the friendships, the church....I loved every part of life here. And since leaving, life turned upside down....we experienced a move, job change(s),financial strife, death, depression, and heartache.The journey we have walked the last 5 years has been tough, for lack of any better word. I believe it has been just a part of molding us into who we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to learn, who God wants me to become. But believing that and accepting it are sometimes and often 2 different things.
Coming back to see old friends has been such a blessing and a joy. We have laughed until we have cried, we have talked about old times and new times, we have shared cups of coffee and meals. On Sunday, we showed up at our old church, surprising everyone! We'd only shared with our best friends with whom we are staying that we were coming. It was a priceless moment to see everyone's faces. There were tears, hugs, jaws dropped, and joy. We felt like we had never left. We felt the love lavished on us.
That's where the missing piece of my heart comes in. I found it. When we left, I really did leave a tiny part of me here. I have never been quite the same. I do believe that we are supposed to change and grow as life goes on, and I have for sure done that. But until we returned here, I don't think I realized just how big that little piece of my heart was that I left here. Life is kind of like a puzzle sometimes...and mine has been all about putting the pieces together the last several years . It was put together once, then got "taken apart" only so it can be put back together again. God does that sometimes for growth purposes. Sometimes we never learn His purpose. The point is, only God can put me back together again. And slowly I think I am beginning to let Him. It dawned on me today that if we had come here a few years ago, I might not have been ready to because leaving would only break me further. But here we are. Leaving will be hard, no doubt. But maybe I found my missing puzzle piece and so I can go back "home" put more together. Maybe God waited 5 years to bring me "home" just for that reason. Who knows? Regardless, it's been wonderful being here.
It's been a refreshing time for us as a family....we don't get much quality time together. And it's been a refreshing time for me....I needed my girls around me again. I needed the beach and the reminders.I needed this time with my husband. I needed to remember where we were once...where we are now...how much God has done and is doing even now. I needed to laugh. I may not be totally rested physically -we've been on the go having fun:) . But my heart needed this emotional rest and rejuvenation even more, and that I have found.
So yes, I do believe home is where the heart is. And I am blessed enough to be able to say I have a few homes. And one day at a time, I will keep letting God put my pieces back together. And allowing Him to take me where He guides. If mom were here, I'd be telling her all about my trip....but I have no doubt she'd be happy that I found this little piece of my heart again.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
A coffee kind of day
It's going to be an all day coffee drinking kind of day. Sure, I drink a fair amount of coffee anyway. But on days like today, when I am as tired as I am, I drink more. I'm not sure it keeps me awake as much as it is a "comfort " food for me....and I'd rather take part in that than in a brownie or a cookie.
This past weekend was really good, but really busy, and I am feeling it today. My alarm went off at 3:30 am to get up and run, but today....I just didn't have it in me. It's rare that I'll say that, and tomorrow I'll likely be back out hitting the pavement again. But sometimes, I just have to listen to my body.
It was Easter weekend of course, and really busy. We hosted at our home, which meant a ton of things to do ( mostly cleaning! ) . I also had a 20 mile run I needed to fit in. Literally needed. Partially because I'd skipped one. Partially because it is my last Saturday before my race to fit it in. And Partially because I just needed it. Unfortunately, I had to squeeze it in as a split 10/10 due to the craziness of my life. I was up at 3:30 both Saturday and Sunday so I could wake up, do my pre-run rituals, and be running by 5 am . I did pretty well just enjoying the weekend....but it's caught up to me now.
My long run running buddy and I groaned as we started out our 10 on Saturday morning. We were both tired. However, by the end of it, for me, it was so uplifting and one of our better runs. Not for time really, but for the companionship and how I left feeling uplifted. The moon was full that night/morning, so it lit our path a little bit. (Emphasis on little!) We heard/saw several animals scurry around on the sides of the path as we approached them , and we laughed each time, hoping it wouldn't be a skunk! As our run turned to sunrise, it was a beautiful picture. A slight fog across the fields, the pinkish orange sunrise on one side of us, roosters in the background, and a full moon, still shining brightly on the other side of us. It was gorgeous. It was a reminder of God, yet again. I love to run partially to see and experience the beauty of God. I made the comment of how "this is when I absolutely am grateful for this time of day run." We got on the subject of songs and how certain songs mean certain things to us. I recalled my favorite hymn. We don't sing a lot of hymns in church anymore....it's just less common. But my favorite always has been "Because He Lives", and it seemed appropriate to recall that especially being Easter weekend. I literally got chills recalling some of th words, as it was a punch in the gut good kind of reminder to me, after facing some literal life struggles
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth living, just because He lives.
I love that song. Old fashioned, yes. But so powerful still. Today it means something different to me than it did 10 years ago. It was crazy that the next day we actually sang that in church. I got chills again when I processed that.
We got up same time Sunday to run again . We were much less talkative on that run. Maybe we were lost in thought. Maybe we were just tired. but sometimes, good friends don't need to talk to understand what's being said. We ran side by side, putting in another 10. No, it wasn't the ideal 20 mile training run, bu we still did it. I have an amazing friend who is so understanding and accommodating to my life for those long runs. I cannot wait to complete the race together!
Easter was nice. It was emotional on some levels. Maybe for years to come, the holidays will be emotional, not having mom. This one struck me strongly mostly because Easter has always been at mom and dad's, and this year, we hosted it. It was weird on some levels. As we stuffed eggs with candy, I recalled so many egg hunts with the kids at mom and dad's. Mom loved those. I recalled memories from growing up ,of easter basket hunts. Our baskets were always simple, but fun. Mom would hide them around the house before we were up, and we would search for them. I still have some of the mini books I got one year in my basket. My kids now own them. Mom was always up and dressed, generally with music on, singing to the hymns in the kitchen that morning, as she prepared lunch to go in the roaster.We used to color eggs and we'd color them with each persons name who would be eating in our home, and that egg was used as their place setting. Easter was mom's favorite holiday. Last year at EAster, I have to admit, I was in a fog. This year , it was fun, yes, but the reality of mom not being there felt stronger ,I think, than it did last year. It was odd having it in my home instead of hers. And it was odd having one less place setting. But how neat to think that she was celebrating His rising from the grave literally with Him. I can only imagine.
Training is getting tougher the closer I get to my race. But it'll be worth it and I cannot wait until race day. It has been quite a journey....I miss having mom here to share in it with me. But somehow I keep going with it. Determination, I suppose. God's strength, too. I am not the greatest runner....and never will be. But for me, it's about the journey more than it is about my time at the finish. It is less than 30 days away. In fact, it's really only about 3 weeks away. Stay tuned for some more interesting stories. For now, I'm off to work, one cup of coffee down....many more to go for the day! But continuing to literally hang onto and embrace things one day at a time.
This past weekend was really good, but really busy, and I am feeling it today. My alarm went off at 3:30 am to get up and run, but today....I just didn't have it in me. It's rare that I'll say that, and tomorrow I'll likely be back out hitting the pavement again. But sometimes, I just have to listen to my body.
It was Easter weekend of course, and really busy. We hosted at our home, which meant a ton of things to do ( mostly cleaning! ) . I also had a 20 mile run I needed to fit in. Literally needed. Partially because I'd skipped one. Partially because it is my last Saturday before my race to fit it in. And Partially because I just needed it. Unfortunately, I had to squeeze it in as a split 10/10 due to the craziness of my life. I was up at 3:30 both Saturday and Sunday so I could wake up, do my pre-run rituals, and be running by 5 am . I did pretty well just enjoying the weekend....but it's caught up to me now.
My long run running buddy and I groaned as we started out our 10 on Saturday morning. We were both tired. However, by the end of it, for me, it was so uplifting and one of our better runs. Not for time really, but for the companionship and how I left feeling uplifted. The moon was full that night/morning, so it lit our path a little bit. (Emphasis on little!) We heard/saw several animals scurry around on the sides of the path as we approached them , and we laughed each time, hoping it wouldn't be a skunk! As our run turned to sunrise, it was a beautiful picture. A slight fog across the fields, the pinkish orange sunrise on one side of us, roosters in the background, and a full moon, still shining brightly on the other side of us. It was gorgeous. It was a reminder of God, yet again. I love to run partially to see and experience the beauty of God. I made the comment of how "this is when I absolutely am grateful for this time of day run." We got on the subject of songs and how certain songs mean certain things to us. I recalled my favorite hymn. We don't sing a lot of hymns in church anymore....it's just less common. But my favorite always has been "Because He Lives", and it seemed appropriate to recall that especially being Easter weekend. I literally got chills recalling some of th words, as it was a punch in the gut good kind of reminder to me, after facing some literal life struggles
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth living, just because He lives.
I love that song. Old fashioned, yes. But so powerful still. Today it means something different to me than it did 10 years ago. It was crazy that the next day we actually sang that in church. I got chills again when I processed that.
We got up same time Sunday to run again . We were much less talkative on that run. Maybe we were lost in thought. Maybe we were just tired. but sometimes, good friends don't need to talk to understand what's being said. We ran side by side, putting in another 10. No, it wasn't the ideal 20 mile training run, bu we still did it. I have an amazing friend who is so understanding and accommodating to my life for those long runs. I cannot wait to complete the race together!
Easter was nice. It was emotional on some levels. Maybe for years to come, the holidays will be emotional, not having mom. This one struck me strongly mostly because Easter has always been at mom and dad's, and this year, we hosted it. It was weird on some levels. As we stuffed eggs with candy, I recalled so many egg hunts with the kids at mom and dad's. Mom loved those. I recalled memories from growing up ,of easter basket hunts. Our baskets were always simple, but fun. Mom would hide them around the house before we were up, and we would search for them. I still have some of the mini books I got one year in my basket. My kids now own them. Mom was always up and dressed, generally with music on, singing to the hymns in the kitchen that morning, as she prepared lunch to go in the roaster.We used to color eggs and we'd color them with each persons name who would be eating in our home, and that egg was used as their place setting. Easter was mom's favorite holiday. Last year at EAster, I have to admit, I was in a fog. This year , it was fun, yes, but the reality of mom not being there felt stronger ,I think, than it did last year. It was odd having it in my home instead of hers. And it was odd having one less place setting. But how neat to think that she was celebrating His rising from the grave literally with Him. I can only imagine.
Training is getting tougher the closer I get to my race. But it'll be worth it and I cannot wait until race day. It has been quite a journey....I miss having mom here to share in it with me. But somehow I keep going with it. Determination, I suppose. God's strength, too. I am not the greatest runner....and never will be. But for me, it's about the journey more than it is about my time at the finish. It is less than 30 days away. In fact, it's really only about 3 weeks away. Stay tuned for some more interesting stories. For now, I'm off to work, one cup of coffee down....many more to go for the day! But continuing to literally hang onto and embrace things one day at a time.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Reflecting. Remembering. Celebrating.Part 2.
Now this is the second part of my thoughts. I want to reflect on the last year and all I've learned and grown, I want to remember all the beautiful memories I have with my mom and remember all she taught me, and I want to celebrate all she was and all she left me ....
I also find it appropriate that today , March 20 , the year date of mom's death, is the first day of spring. I find it appropriate because it's turning a new leaf. It's a new season. The trees are blooming beautifully already (early, I may even add), and the weather is beautiful. It's time to move into a new season of warmth and joy. It is time for mourning to turn to dancing. It doesn't mean that my sadness is gone or that grief is totally over. It just signifies to me a new season: life is changing and moving forward and I need to do so with it as well. It has been "winter" for me for far too long. I'm not totally sure how to go about being "spring" now, but I am sure giving it my best. And it feels good and right. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me and what the next year may hold.
The last year has been the hardest of my life. I have cried more tears than I ever care to remember. I am, to be honest, totally exhausted from emotion alone...let alone all the regular duties of life. I have said goodbye to my best friend, one I've had my entire life...my mom. Life didn't change a little bit: it turned upside down. After mom died, Michael and I went on opposite schedule to make things work with the kids. I have had to go about being a mom with out my mom....that is a challenge that has not been easy all the time. Mom was my one steady, "always there", constant support and encouragement....God has taught me in some extremely difficult ways that my dependance in that lies in Him alone. That has probably been one of the largest voids mom left and one of the largest gaps I've had to let God come in and fill...and sill have to remember to let Him do that sometimes. It's a one day at a time, again and again lesson I have to learn. But I am really embracing that truth for the first time in many years. I don't say that to praise myself in any fashion...itis by His grace alone I can embrace that. It's been a terribly painful lesson. I have had to learn how to laugh again. It took me a very long time to do that after mom died. Generally I laugh the hardest at work. (Not because we fool around all the time, but because we just genuinely enjoy each other.)I remember the first really hard laugh I had...it took place with my coworker, TW, and I laughed so hard I had tears. I hadn't done that in months, and I remember when it took place it being a marker for me. I actually stopped after the fact and really took in what had just happened. I have had to learn to love in new ways because I haven't always had the love in me. I have sometimes functioned on total auto pilot because my heart hurt so badly, I was in such a fog. I'm now beginning to really purposefully do things again. It's not that I didn't do things with purpose all year long....there were several things I did do.. What I mean is, I'm beginning to move forward and not be so stuck any more. Spring is becoming more and more a part of my season right now. Family has taken on new meaning to me. Trust has new meaning. Purpose has a totally fresh , new meaning. At mom's viewing , there were over 500 people who attended, and I am not exaggerating that at all. Mom's life touched thousands. I have really taken that in and thought of my own life. Purpose has a new meaning to me.
Life is so fleeting. Mom's was over too soon, if you ask me. But yet she lived it to the fullest every moment. Death makes one think about life even more , I think.
Heaven has a new meaning. Man, I cannot wait to be there one day. It is so much more real now. This is not my home...it's temporary.
LIfe is just totally different. Being a mom, being a wife, being Rachael....it's different now than it was a year ago in really every single aspect. It would take me several blogs to cover that. It's been a year. A year I have only made it through by the grace of God and with the help of some very precious friends who 've stuck by me through every difficult moment, every tear, every painful experience. I am grateful for those people. I've made mistakes. I've hurt. I've cried. I've learned. I've laughed. I've grown up. I still have depression ...the anxiety attacks are getting less....but I am a better person ultimately. It is really hard to say that. I"m not better because I don't have my mom. I am better because as God promises in Romans 8:28, He will use bad for good if we love Him and if we let Him. It took me a very long time to arrive to letting Him. But now, He is showing me so many things. Not for my glory, but for His.
I have an ache without mom. I always will. I hurt still. I still grieve. But I am moving forward. Into spring. I love music, and i always have. Mom did, too, really. But there is a specific Steven curtis Chapman CD that spoke volumes to me in the time of mom dying and has still since she died. It's Beauty From Ashes. One song stands out to me really powerful right now. It's called "Spring is Coming" and it's so appropriate to include for where my heart is today.
I will move into spring. And I will continue moving forward one day at a time. With mom always in my heart and mind. And God by my side.
I also find it appropriate that today , March 20 , the year date of mom's death, is the first day of spring. I find it appropriate because it's turning a new leaf. It's a new season. The trees are blooming beautifully already (early, I may even add), and the weather is beautiful. It's time to move into a new season of warmth and joy. It is time for mourning to turn to dancing. It doesn't mean that my sadness is gone or that grief is totally over. It just signifies to me a new season: life is changing and moving forward and I need to do so with it as well. It has been "winter" for me for far too long. I'm not totally sure how to go about being "spring" now, but I am sure giving it my best. And it feels good and right. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me and what the next year may hold.
The last year has been the hardest of my life. I have cried more tears than I ever care to remember. I am, to be honest, totally exhausted from emotion alone...let alone all the regular duties of life. I have said goodbye to my best friend, one I've had my entire life...my mom. Life didn't change a little bit: it turned upside down. After mom died, Michael and I went on opposite schedule to make things work with the kids. I have had to go about being a mom with out my mom....that is a challenge that has not been easy all the time. Mom was my one steady, "always there", constant support and encouragement....God has taught me in some extremely difficult ways that my dependance in that lies in Him alone. That has probably been one of the largest voids mom left and one of the largest gaps I've had to let God come in and fill...and sill have to remember to let Him do that sometimes. It's a one day at a time, again and again lesson I have to learn. But I am really embracing that truth for the first time in many years. I don't say that to praise myself in any fashion...itis by His grace alone I can embrace that. It's been a terribly painful lesson. I have had to learn how to laugh again. It took me a very long time to do that after mom died. Generally I laugh the hardest at work. (Not because we fool around all the time, but because we just genuinely enjoy each other.)I remember the first really hard laugh I had...it took place with my coworker, TW, and I laughed so hard I had tears. I hadn't done that in months, and I remember when it took place it being a marker for me. I actually stopped after the fact and really took in what had just happened. I have had to learn to love in new ways because I haven't always had the love in me. I have sometimes functioned on total auto pilot because my heart hurt so badly, I was in such a fog. I'm now beginning to really purposefully do things again. It's not that I didn't do things with purpose all year long....there were several things I did do.. What I mean is, I'm beginning to move forward and not be so stuck any more. Spring is becoming more and more a part of my season right now. Family has taken on new meaning to me. Trust has new meaning. Purpose has a totally fresh , new meaning. At mom's viewing , there were over 500 people who attended, and I am not exaggerating that at all. Mom's life touched thousands. I have really taken that in and thought of my own life. Purpose has a new meaning to me.
Life is so fleeting. Mom's was over too soon, if you ask me. But yet she lived it to the fullest every moment. Death makes one think about life even more , I think.
Heaven has a new meaning. Man, I cannot wait to be there one day. It is so much more real now. This is not my home...it's temporary.
LIfe is just totally different. Being a mom, being a wife, being Rachael....it's different now than it was a year ago in really every single aspect. It would take me several blogs to cover that. It's been a year. A year I have only made it through by the grace of God and with the help of some very precious friends who 've stuck by me through every difficult moment, every tear, every painful experience. I am grateful for those people. I've made mistakes. I've hurt. I've cried. I've learned. I've laughed. I've grown up. I still have depression ...the anxiety attacks are getting less....but I am a better person ultimately. It is really hard to say that. I"m not better because I don't have my mom. I am better because as God promises in Romans 8:28, He will use bad for good if we love Him and if we let Him. It took me a very long time to arrive to letting Him. But now, He is showing me so many things. Not for my glory, but for His.
I have an ache without mom. I always will. I hurt still. I still grieve. But I am moving forward. Into spring. I love music, and i always have. Mom did, too, really. But there is a specific Steven curtis Chapman CD that spoke volumes to me in the time of mom dying and has still since she died. It's Beauty From Ashes. One song stands out to me really powerful right now. It's called "Spring is Coming" and it's so appropriate to include for where my heart is today.
We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the groundThe sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brownNow the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stoneAnd silently seed rise beneath ice and snow
And my heart's heavy nowBut I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells meSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingIt won't be long now, it's just about here
Hear the birds start to singFeel the life in the breezeWatch the ice melt awayThe kids are coming out to play
Feel the sun on your skinGrowing strong and warm again[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/spring-is-coming-lyrics-steven-curtis-chapman.html ]Watch the ground: there's something movingSomething is breaking throughNew life is breaking through
Spring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd it won't be long now, it's just about here
Spring is coming, Spring is coming(Out of these ashes, beauty will rise)And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear(Sorrow will be turned to joy)Spring is coming, Spring is coming(All we hoped for soon will appear)It won't be long now, it's just about here(Out of the dark clouds, beauty will shine)(All above in heaven, rejoice)(Spring is coming soon)(Spring is coming soon)
And my heart's heavy nowBut I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells meSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingIt won't be long now, it's just about here
Hear the birds start to singFeel the life in the breezeWatch the ice melt awayThe kids are coming out to play
Feel the sun on your skinGrowing strong and warm again[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/spring-is-coming-lyrics-steven-curtis-chapman.html ]Watch the ground: there's something movingSomething is breaking throughNew life is breaking through
Spring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd it won't be long now, it's just about here
Spring is coming, Spring is coming(Out of these ashes, beauty will rise)And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear(Sorrow will be turned to joy)Spring is coming, Spring is coming(All we hoped for soon will appear)It won't be long now, it's just about here(Out of the dark clouds, beauty will shine)(All above in heaven, rejoice)(Spring is coming soon)(Spring is coming soon)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Reflecting. Remembering. Celebrating.Part 1.
Today, March 20, is likely a normal day to most people. For me, though, it's date forever burned in my mind and heart...it is the day I said goodbye to my mom here on earth. The day my mom went home to heaven. The day she lost her battle to cancer. I have so many things I'd really like to share that this will be a 2 blog post day.
Some may say it's not healthy to walk in the past. I don't do that so much, but I think for me, to go through this day, and this grief process, I kind of need to talk about this time last year. I need to share some of what was going on in order to process my grief and keep moving forward. There are experts out there who say that the one year marker is a significant date for moving on. I really don't find anything magical about it. Yes, we've conquered a lot of firsts in this year, but it doesn't mean grief ends or is even extremely easier. It will be one day, but each persons journey is different, and one year or not, the hole will always be there. allow me to remember last year for a few minutes.
March 18, Friday.
I had the day off from work, and I spent the majority of it with mom. Mom was bedridden, and not eating. the hospice nurses were now on the clock 24/7, knowing that the end was any moment, really. Mom's breaths were about 5 a minute. I spent time next to her bed, holding her hand, talking to her, sometimes just sitting praying or being quiet. It depended on the moment. The hospice nurses were very kind and very respectful of space. The day was one I saw mom smile a little bit. It was the best response I'd gotten all week from her. Here is what I wrote:
"Today, for the first time in days, I had a little smile from her. That was a beautiful thing. And if it's my last memory, it's a good one. I sure am going to miss her like crazy. Her dress is now clean and ready for her burial. She chose it long ago. It seems unreal and sad. I am sad. But there's a peace of sorts with that sadness too. I"m scheduled to work tomorrow and I really don't know if I can."
I remember leaving the farm that day thinking mom maybe wouldn't make it through the night. Leaving was really tough.
The next day was Saturday, the 19th. I was at work. But I may as well not have been. I was a mess. I tried my best to do what I needed to, but I knew in my heart it was about to happen, and I really didn't want to not be there. I kept my phone on me, so I could be gotten ahold of at any point. Dad's number showed up on the phone and my heart beat twice as fast. I answered, and dad told me that the nurse said I should come home. Mom's feet were beginning to turn blue. Mom was pretty non responsive. I sat for a minute and took that in, then I cried on the shoulder of a coworker for a few minutes, then I said I had to go. I drove home to grab clothes and sped out to the farm. I just wanted to be there. For me. For mom. For dad. It was just me and dad and the nurse and mom for a good part of the first few hours when I arrived.
Mom's breaths were shallow. Her face was pale, and the nurse was right, there was a blue tint to her feet. It's not at all what I remember when I think of my mom. but today, it's hard not to recall that. She was asleep. Dad and I decided to take turns being by her bedside. The nurse said it could be within hours, but it could be a couple days-she'd seen it both ways. It's hard not knowing sometimes. So our time of taking turns began. It was the longest 24 hours of my life. The nurse would come in and check vitals every so often or turn mom a little or things like that. But mostly, we were given our space with her. Sometimes I'd sing quietly. Sometimes I'd cry quietly. Sometimes I'd share every bit of my heart with mom. she could still hear just fine, we knew that.
Michael showed up sometime in the afternoon to be with me. We had some amazing best friends from church keeping our kids for us. They loved on our children as much as any family member ever did. We were grateful to have them...(and to still have them through all this)
My older brother was on his way home from PA. And I was again working on arrangements to get my younger, military brother home.
My sister and her husband arrived late that evening. I have no idea what we ate for dinner...but I do remember sitting down to eat. As the night passed, I didn't sleep. Partially because my heart and mind couldn't shut down, and partially because I didn't want to miss any second with mom. We took turns through the night. When my brother showed up at midnight, I remember embracing strongly and then allowing him his space to see mom.
I tossed in bed some and then moved to the couch and then really wound up talking to my brother or the nurse the rest of the night. No one could sleep well. Dad was in the room with mom. I remember really strange details too....like talking about our grain bins with the nurse and explaining those to her, as she'd never seen anything like that. I remember our best childhood friends showing up really late at night with coffee for us. Strange details. I remember the feel of mom's skin...and I hope I never forget that. She didn't look like herself, but it's not the image I hold onto, either. Night passed into morning and mom was still holding on. We heated up the casserole the lifelong friends had brought us and ate around the breakfast table...some moments quiet...some moments filled with laughter remembering.
As the morning went along, we continued taking turns with mom. Early afternoon, our lifelong friends once again came along side us. We were and always have been like family, so it was comforting having them there. It happened to be dad's turn in with mom then. Shortly after they arrived, dad came out and told us mom was gone. We all huddled together and cried. It was appropriate dad was the one there. That's how it should've been. We 'd all had our time. I can remember walking back to the bedroom to say goodbye, even though she was already gone. Oh, how the tears poured down. It was no longer my mom lying there. It's crazy how God works. The image of her body there lifeless was so so so painful. And yet it is never the image I think of. All at once, I saw her there, I also pictured her finally laughing again....that was my mom....ALWAYS laughing or smiling. And she was no longer in pain and suffering...she was in the arms of Jesus, smiling and singing again. It was neat to me to have that image come almost immediately.
The day went along...we made phone calls and arrangements. It was absolutely exhausting. Food was dropped on us galore, so we didn't have to worry about that. Then the arrangements began. I won't give every detail from that point on because then this blog would never end....because there are so many details in my mind.
If you are so inclined, there will be another blog later tonight-part 2. Stay tuned as I continue to tell you how it's been one day at a time for me.
Some may say it's not healthy to walk in the past. I don't do that so much, but I think for me, to go through this day, and this grief process, I kind of need to talk about this time last year. I need to share some of what was going on in order to process my grief and keep moving forward. There are experts out there who say that the one year marker is a significant date for moving on. I really don't find anything magical about it. Yes, we've conquered a lot of firsts in this year, but it doesn't mean grief ends or is even extremely easier. It will be one day, but each persons journey is different, and one year or not, the hole will always be there. allow me to remember last year for a few minutes.
March 18, Friday.
I had the day off from work, and I spent the majority of it with mom. Mom was bedridden, and not eating. the hospice nurses were now on the clock 24/7, knowing that the end was any moment, really. Mom's breaths were about 5 a minute. I spent time next to her bed, holding her hand, talking to her, sometimes just sitting praying or being quiet. It depended on the moment. The hospice nurses were very kind and very respectful of space. The day was one I saw mom smile a little bit. It was the best response I'd gotten all week from her. Here is what I wrote:
"Today, for the first time in days, I had a little smile from her. That was a beautiful thing. And if it's my last memory, it's a good one. I sure am going to miss her like crazy. Her dress is now clean and ready for her burial. She chose it long ago. It seems unreal and sad. I am sad. But there's a peace of sorts with that sadness too. I"m scheduled to work tomorrow and I really don't know if I can."
I remember leaving the farm that day thinking mom maybe wouldn't make it through the night. Leaving was really tough.
The next day was Saturday, the 19th. I was at work. But I may as well not have been. I was a mess. I tried my best to do what I needed to, but I knew in my heart it was about to happen, and I really didn't want to not be there. I kept my phone on me, so I could be gotten ahold of at any point. Dad's number showed up on the phone and my heart beat twice as fast. I answered, and dad told me that the nurse said I should come home. Mom's feet were beginning to turn blue. Mom was pretty non responsive. I sat for a minute and took that in, then I cried on the shoulder of a coworker for a few minutes, then I said I had to go. I drove home to grab clothes and sped out to the farm. I just wanted to be there. For me. For mom. For dad. It was just me and dad and the nurse and mom for a good part of the first few hours when I arrived.
Mom's breaths were shallow. Her face was pale, and the nurse was right, there was a blue tint to her feet. It's not at all what I remember when I think of my mom. but today, it's hard not to recall that. She was asleep. Dad and I decided to take turns being by her bedside. The nurse said it could be within hours, but it could be a couple days-she'd seen it both ways. It's hard not knowing sometimes. So our time of taking turns began. It was the longest 24 hours of my life. The nurse would come in and check vitals every so often or turn mom a little or things like that. But mostly, we were given our space with her. Sometimes I'd sing quietly. Sometimes I'd cry quietly. Sometimes I'd share every bit of my heart with mom. she could still hear just fine, we knew that.
Michael showed up sometime in the afternoon to be with me. We had some amazing best friends from church keeping our kids for us. They loved on our children as much as any family member ever did. We were grateful to have them...(and to still have them through all this)
My older brother was on his way home from PA. And I was again working on arrangements to get my younger, military brother home.
My sister and her husband arrived late that evening. I have no idea what we ate for dinner...but I do remember sitting down to eat. As the night passed, I didn't sleep. Partially because my heart and mind couldn't shut down, and partially because I didn't want to miss any second with mom. We took turns through the night. When my brother showed up at midnight, I remember embracing strongly and then allowing him his space to see mom.
I tossed in bed some and then moved to the couch and then really wound up talking to my brother or the nurse the rest of the night. No one could sleep well. Dad was in the room with mom. I remember really strange details too....like talking about our grain bins with the nurse and explaining those to her, as she'd never seen anything like that. I remember our best childhood friends showing up really late at night with coffee for us. Strange details. I remember the feel of mom's skin...and I hope I never forget that. She didn't look like herself, but it's not the image I hold onto, either. Night passed into morning and mom was still holding on. We heated up the casserole the lifelong friends had brought us and ate around the breakfast table...some moments quiet...some moments filled with laughter remembering.
As the morning went along, we continued taking turns with mom. Early afternoon, our lifelong friends once again came along side us. We were and always have been like family, so it was comforting having them there. It happened to be dad's turn in with mom then. Shortly after they arrived, dad came out and told us mom was gone. We all huddled together and cried. It was appropriate dad was the one there. That's how it should've been. We 'd all had our time. I can remember walking back to the bedroom to say goodbye, even though she was already gone. Oh, how the tears poured down. It was no longer my mom lying there. It's crazy how God works. The image of her body there lifeless was so so so painful. And yet it is never the image I think of. All at once, I saw her there, I also pictured her finally laughing again....that was my mom....ALWAYS laughing or smiling. And she was no longer in pain and suffering...she was in the arms of Jesus, smiling and singing again. It was neat to me to have that image come almost immediately.
The day went along...we made phone calls and arrangements. It was absolutely exhausting. Food was dropped on us galore, so we didn't have to worry about that. Then the arrangements began. I won't give every detail from that point on because then this blog would never end....because there are so many details in my mind.
If you are so inclined, there will be another blog later tonight-part 2. Stay tuned as I continue to tell you how it's been one day at a time for me.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Thoughts....like the messy smoothie
I have no clever title for today's post, so "thoughts" is about all you get for that, because that's about all I have rambling through my head....so many thoughts. Today at work , the bottom of the blender wasn't screwed on tightly, and the smoothie I was blending went ALL over the counter, under the espresso machine,down the sink, and everywhere. What a mess. (it's funny now, but it was really frustrating then.) That's what I feel the thoughts in my head are doing lately-just kind of exploding!
I cannot walk through this month without thinking about what was occurring this time last year. It does not mean that I am dwelling on the past or that it is consuming me. It does not mean that I am sad all the time. But due to other crazy life events, I have been missing mom a lot-she was my encouragement backer, 100% of the time, my mistakes and all. Because I have been missing her more for that reason alone, it also draws me back to the events of the last year and what was happening.
I was working only 20 hours a week again, knowing that the day would be literally any day at this time. I was running still, but not a lot. all my time was split between the hours at work, my family, and mom. I wouldn't change it for a minute. Mom was declining so badly. She was sleeping most of the time. She ate, but very little, and usually only if we were feeding her. She was in the wheelchair when she was up, and she didn't wear the oxygen full time , but it was still pretty often. She wasn't able to talk . We knew it would be any day. Functioning was only a God thing for me-I look back and wonder how in the world I made it. It was only God. Here's an excerpt from my journal last year.
March 4,2011
" I 'm very tired. Sad. Confused. Frustrated. I long to feel normal....."
March 6, 2011
"It's time for mom to die. She is really suffering. I'm so sad and my heart hurts. ....Mom is not good.Every day could b her last. She is suffering so much and it's heartbreaking.It is the most difficult thing to watch unfold. I keep thinking of a lot of memories with mom, as I sit by her side for hours at a time right now. Sometimes silly ones. Sometimes serious ones. LIke When I was 3, I was playing ring around the rosie with my siblings, and when we all fell down, my head hit the corner wall and it split open. Mom held a towel on my head and drove me to the hospital. She never panicked. Never got loud or really crazy. I, on the other hand, went bazerk. I freaked out so badly, they had to wrap me in a papoose (?) while I got stitches. This is probably one of my earliest memories.That was before cell phones. Mom did it all on her own. She was always calm. Always had a quiet independence about her.She handled everything with patience and care. When I was 5, mom sat on my bed and led me to the Lord.She used to always sing to me "I have decided to follow Jesus".Mom read to us all the time.We had treasure hunts at Christmas. ...."
It's interesting what went through my mind all those days. Sometimes as I sat there, I would talk to mom about it'"remember this, mom?" sometimes she was sleeping through it; sometimes I got a small smile.
I remember sitting by her bedside and doing the study of Esther, a study written by Beth Moore. It is always neat to me to see how God places certain studies in life just when I need them. I don't really remember the exact day, but I know it was right around this time because mom had just become bedridden and I was sitting next to her, doing my study while she slept. This particular page stood out to me and here is what it said ...."Just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and in those times God is not ashamed of our performance.He's proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do His will.God isn't interested in our stellar performance, but in our hearts.He loves our obedience and willingness despite our insecurities." That meant a lot to me then. It still means a lot to me today, and I love that God brought that back to my mind today even. Sometimes, whether it's due to exploding smoothies or exploding thoughts full of insecurities and yucky things, it is all I can do to make it through a day. Other times, I am laughing and giddy. I hate being a roller coaster-I really would like to be an even keel emotional person. However, for this time in my life, it is who I am, and God loves me...and loves when I choose obedience and willingness despite my insecurities. And in choosing that, He can help overcome those things. I love when He brings those back to mind. He is faithful.
Today is my dad's birthday. He will be coming over for dinner. It will be a small celebration, but I think it'll be fun, even though simple. It will be dad's first without mom. I don't even remember celebrating his birthday las year. I am not sure if we really did or not...in 10 days it'll be the one year anniversary of mom's passing, and most of us were consumed by that at this point, so I don't remember if we had cake or anything. however, tonight we will. We will have chili and angel food cake (dad's favorite). We will probably play silly games on the wii , and we will laugh. I have no doubt in my mind that there will be moments today hard for dad, as for us, without mom here for his birthday. But he chooses to keep smiling and he sets and amazing example. He loved my mom with every fiber in him, and he's even proved that by letting go of her, knowing she is better off now. He sets an amazing example to me. Through all this time, dad and I have found a new relationship together, so I am thankful for that. He's an incredible, strong, godly man, whom I admire greatly. He and I have a lot of similarities, to the point that mom used to roll her eyes and say "oh, brother." about some of our similar actions. I can see it now. But I'm glad for that. so, happy birthday to my dad! Though this is a tough month, we will find joy in this day and we will laugh a lot, I am sure.
Well, it's Saturday morning now as I finish this. Bright and early out for a run....the longest one of the season. If you read my last blog, we'll see if I find any crazy things along the dark path this morning. The time changes tonight, so next time this early, there should be more light!
Until the next blog...I keep going one step, one day at a time. And it is a new day...time to rejoice in that! A verse in my mind repeated lately is "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!"
I cannot walk through this month without thinking about what was occurring this time last year. It does not mean that I am dwelling on the past or that it is consuming me. It does not mean that I am sad all the time. But due to other crazy life events, I have been missing mom a lot-she was my encouragement backer, 100% of the time, my mistakes and all. Because I have been missing her more for that reason alone, it also draws me back to the events of the last year and what was happening.
I was working only 20 hours a week again, knowing that the day would be literally any day at this time. I was running still, but not a lot. all my time was split between the hours at work, my family, and mom. I wouldn't change it for a minute. Mom was declining so badly. She was sleeping most of the time. She ate, but very little, and usually only if we were feeding her. She was in the wheelchair when she was up, and she didn't wear the oxygen full time , but it was still pretty often. She wasn't able to talk . We knew it would be any day. Functioning was only a God thing for me-I look back and wonder how in the world I made it. It was only God. Here's an excerpt from my journal last year.
March 4,2011
" I 'm very tired. Sad. Confused. Frustrated. I long to feel normal....."
March 6, 2011
"It's time for mom to die. She is really suffering. I'm so sad and my heart hurts. ....Mom is not good.Every day could b her last. She is suffering so much and it's heartbreaking.It is the most difficult thing to watch unfold. I keep thinking of a lot of memories with mom, as I sit by her side for hours at a time right now. Sometimes silly ones. Sometimes serious ones. LIke When I was 3, I was playing ring around the rosie with my siblings, and when we all fell down, my head hit the corner wall and it split open. Mom held a towel on my head and drove me to the hospital. She never panicked. Never got loud or really crazy. I, on the other hand, went bazerk. I freaked out so badly, they had to wrap me in a papoose (?) while I got stitches. This is probably one of my earliest memories.That was before cell phones. Mom did it all on her own. She was always calm. Always had a quiet independence about her.She handled everything with patience and care. When I was 5, mom sat on my bed and led me to the Lord.She used to always sing to me "I have decided to follow Jesus".Mom read to us all the time.We had treasure hunts at Christmas. ...."
It's interesting what went through my mind all those days. Sometimes as I sat there, I would talk to mom about it'"remember this, mom?" sometimes she was sleeping through it; sometimes I got a small smile.
I remember sitting by her bedside and doing the study of Esther, a study written by Beth Moore. It is always neat to me to see how God places certain studies in life just when I need them. I don't really remember the exact day, but I know it was right around this time because mom had just become bedridden and I was sitting next to her, doing my study while she slept. This particular page stood out to me and here is what it said ...."Just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and in those times God is not ashamed of our performance.He's proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do His will.God isn't interested in our stellar performance, but in our hearts.He loves our obedience and willingness despite our insecurities." That meant a lot to me then. It still means a lot to me today, and I love that God brought that back to my mind today even. Sometimes, whether it's due to exploding smoothies or exploding thoughts full of insecurities and yucky things, it is all I can do to make it through a day. Other times, I am laughing and giddy. I hate being a roller coaster-I really would like to be an even keel emotional person. However, for this time in my life, it is who I am, and God loves me...and loves when I choose obedience and willingness despite my insecurities. And in choosing that, He can help overcome those things. I love when He brings those back to mind. He is faithful.
Today is my dad's birthday. He will be coming over for dinner. It will be a small celebration, but I think it'll be fun, even though simple. It will be dad's first without mom. I don't even remember celebrating his birthday las year. I am not sure if we really did or not...in 10 days it'll be the one year anniversary of mom's passing, and most of us were consumed by that at this point, so I don't remember if we had cake or anything. however, tonight we will. We will have chili and angel food cake (dad's favorite). We will probably play silly games on the wii , and we will laugh. I have no doubt in my mind that there will be moments today hard for dad, as for us, without mom here for his birthday. But he chooses to keep smiling and he sets and amazing example. He loved my mom with every fiber in him, and he's even proved that by letting go of her, knowing she is better off now. He sets an amazing example to me. Through all this time, dad and I have found a new relationship together, so I am thankful for that. He's an incredible, strong, godly man, whom I admire greatly. He and I have a lot of similarities, to the point that mom used to roll her eyes and say "oh, brother." about some of our similar actions. I can see it now. But I'm glad for that. so, happy birthday to my dad! Though this is a tough month, we will find joy in this day and we will laugh a lot, I am sure.
Well, it's Saturday morning now as I finish this. Bright and early out for a run....the longest one of the season. If you read my last blog, we'll see if I find any crazy things along the dark path this morning. The time changes tonight, so next time this early, there should be more light!
Until the next blog...I keep going one step, one day at a time. And it is a new day...time to rejoice in that! A verse in my mind repeated lately is "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!"
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Dark,Light,and Home Grown Tomatoes
Saturday morning....the alarm went off at 3:45 so I could get on the path by 5 am for a 13.1 (half marathon) distance run with my faithful friend. We don't typically run so early on a Saturday, but today we needed to. I half dreaded that, half thrilled off of it. I love to run, but I hadn't gotten the sleep I needed the night before. Anyway, we met up at 5 and started off by her getting out of her car into a puddle (it was very dark.) We laughed hysterically...most likely because we were both tired. anyway, we set off. It became a very fun, very therapeutic run. We are both experiencing some really deep life experiences, so We have some in depth talks when we run. We also laugh when we run-we've been friends for years. Anyway, it was very dark. I mean, we couldn't see 100 yards ahead of us because this path is a bit woodsy. A lot of times, that could be unsafe. But we have run the path enough times, we know it by heart. However, what you cannot predict are some of the things we "bumped " into on the path as we went along. Like a pile of horse crap that was completely hidden by the dark. Or some sticks consuming the path in certain areas. Or even animals. But we were having a great time.
As we hit the halfway point, ( a little before) the sun started coming out. As we doubled back and ran back toward our cars, we could see the things we ran "through and into". the sticks were actually pretty large branches. The horse crap was....definitly horse crap. We actually laughed hysterically as we passed by that point, seeing the shoe print I'd left in it. I told her ....this is going into my blog. There is a life analogy in that. (And I'm getting to that.) It was an amazing run. We saw the sun rise. We saw a few random snow flakes. We laughed. We shared. We ran our little hearts out. One step closer to our goal.
But as we ran, and we compared how the path was the very same path we were on in both directions (to and then back ), we talked about how very true it is that something that is the same one hour to the next can be totally different in dark vs. light. Our point was proven as we could easily see the branches and horse poo the way back. We couldn't see those things on our first half.
In life, that is true. Sometimes choosing the light is hard. It's not always the easy choice. In fact, it sometimes is the harder choice. But it is the choice God calls us to make. He is our light. And when we choose Him, we can see things so much better. The dark is sometimes the path we want to choose, however, we run into a lot of crap when we choose that path. There are also so many obstacles unseen. however, when God shines His light on those things-when we choose to let Him do so-we can not be hurt by them. Life is so much like that. When I choose to let God guide my way with His light, my path is so much easier. I can see what would hurt me and I can avoid that by following Him. If or when I have chosen the darker way....inevitably I get dirty or messy or hurt. It's not worth it. His Word offers me light every day, if I choose to open it up and use it. Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." to stay on the right path, I need His word.
It was sort of an analogy "oh yeah, duh!" kind of reminder moment for me. By the very last mile, we had just gotten silly. It was no longer a serious run for us. It was a good time. Somehow, we ended up singing silly camp songs from our childhood , laughing so hard we almost couldn't' even run. That's where Homegrown Tomatoes comes in. It was the dumbest camp song ever, but it came to her mind and the words came back to us ....not that it would make any sense to you unless you once graced the campus of Scioto Hills Camp, but a few of the silly words were "Homegrown tomatoes, homegrown tomatoes, aint nothing like homegrown tomatoes, only 2 things money can't buy, and that's true love and home grown tomatoes." It goes on even sillier. The point is, talking about camp and remembering that silly song not only provided some laughter, but reminded us of some of the more important camp songs and moments. It was a really good run-horse crap, branches, dark, light and all. And I am so thankful we ended in the light! I hope every day I start and end there.
This month is a challenging month in some aspects, as it will mark the one year date of my mom's passing. It is difficult to believe that it has almost been a year. I have a lot rumbling through my mind on that topic, too, but I will post later this week on that.
In the meantime, I am going to make every effort to choose the light-one step, one day at a time.
As we hit the halfway point, ( a little before) the sun started coming out. As we doubled back and ran back toward our cars, we could see the things we ran "through and into". the sticks were actually pretty large branches. The horse crap was....definitly horse crap. We actually laughed hysterically as we passed by that point, seeing the shoe print I'd left in it. I told her ....this is going into my blog. There is a life analogy in that. (And I'm getting to that.) It was an amazing run. We saw the sun rise. We saw a few random snow flakes. We laughed. We shared. We ran our little hearts out. One step closer to our goal.
But as we ran, and we compared how the path was the very same path we were on in both directions (to and then back ), we talked about how very true it is that something that is the same one hour to the next can be totally different in dark vs. light. Our point was proven as we could easily see the branches and horse poo the way back. We couldn't see those things on our first half.
In life, that is true. Sometimes choosing the light is hard. It's not always the easy choice. In fact, it sometimes is the harder choice. But it is the choice God calls us to make. He is our light. And when we choose Him, we can see things so much better. The dark is sometimes the path we want to choose, however, we run into a lot of crap when we choose that path. There are also so many obstacles unseen. however, when God shines His light on those things-when we choose to let Him do so-we can not be hurt by them. Life is so much like that. When I choose to let God guide my way with His light, my path is so much easier. I can see what would hurt me and I can avoid that by following Him. If or when I have chosen the darker way....inevitably I get dirty or messy or hurt. It's not worth it. His Word offers me light every day, if I choose to open it up and use it. Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." to stay on the right path, I need His word.
It was sort of an analogy "oh yeah, duh!" kind of reminder moment for me. By the very last mile, we had just gotten silly. It was no longer a serious run for us. It was a good time. Somehow, we ended up singing silly camp songs from our childhood , laughing so hard we almost couldn't' even run. That's where Homegrown Tomatoes comes in. It was the dumbest camp song ever, but it came to her mind and the words came back to us ....not that it would make any sense to you unless you once graced the campus of Scioto Hills Camp, but a few of the silly words were "Homegrown tomatoes, homegrown tomatoes, aint nothing like homegrown tomatoes, only 2 things money can't buy, and that's true love and home grown tomatoes." It goes on even sillier. The point is, talking about camp and remembering that silly song not only provided some laughter, but reminded us of some of the more important camp songs and moments. It was a really good run-horse crap, branches, dark, light and all. And I am so thankful we ended in the light! I hope every day I start and end there.
This month is a challenging month in some aspects, as it will mark the one year date of my mom's passing. It is difficult to believe that it has almost been a year. I have a lot rumbling through my mind on that topic, too, but I will post later this week on that.
In the meantime, I am going to make every effort to choose the light-one step, one day at a time.
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