The Winter Season

Seasons. I love the different seasons.
        Here in the heart of Ohio, winter has definitely played it's tune.
  We have had plenty of snow and record low temperatures this year.
This winter season has been evident on all levels.
    The seasons of nature often play an analogy in my life as well.
We go through seasons in our own lives.
  There are definite periods of winter: clouds, cold, ugly, and something most people dread and hate and don't like experiencing.
    Spring looks more like green, growth, beauty, excitement, joy and new found warmth.
  Fall and Summer play their own roles as well.
But it is difficult to truly appreciate spring unless you've experienced winter.

This analogy has been on my mind lately.
   I used to hate winter. I mean absolutely dread every day of it. I was one of those whiners and complainers when it came to the cold and snow. I've come a long way in that journey. Perhaps one could say I've grown up a lot when it comes to dealing with winter. I admit, I still do not like the cold. But I have learned to truly appreciate the dreary season. I was leaving my dad's the other night in the middle of a snowy storm of sorts and I just smiled and truly enjoyed the pure vision of untouched, glistening snow. The beautiful white dust sparkled at me, winked at me as if to say "Hello! I'm glad you are out with me." I loved how pristine it was, how pure and untouched.  No plows had been out yet, and the snow was beautiful.
  Today I thought of that view in light of my life. Winter seasons happen. In all honesty, the last few weeks have been a bit "wintery" for me. Times when the roads are hard to navigate. It's difficult to see through the ugly grey clouds and dreary days. But as I have grown up, I have learned to appreciate the beauty behind those clouds and "cold days". I may not see it in the very moment, but I have learned not to complain and dread it. I have learned this the hard way, but I have learned it because I have seen beauty come from it. When before I would choose to drown in my own weariness, now I choose to see it for what God intends it: a season; a time where underneath the surface, seeds are growing, but cannot bud yet because they aren't ready. But when they are (when He sees me as being ready) then the spring time will be all the more beautiful and appreciated. And I can bloom in all new ways. But it isn't possible without winter.
  During the winter season, the trees appear dead and ugly. But really, they are just preparing for something greater, for a time when their leaves will sprout and their beauty will shine and they will become full once again. Without winter, those buds wouldn't have appropriate time to prepare. I'm like that. Through winter seasons, I learn a new dependance on God. And underneath, inside my heart where others cannot see, He is preparing me through the ugly times for a greater purpose. Perhaps to encourage another person going through a hard time; perhaps to accomplish a task I am currently unable to do; perhaps to teach me new aspects of His characteristics and of prayer with Him.
   so, perhaps the next time you think about winter, maybe you can see it in a bit of a different light, even if just for a moment, and stop and appreciate the beauty within it. Without winter, we could not truly appreciate the spring and warmth that will come following the cold season. And if you're in the middle of your own winter season, don't lose heart. Your buds are growing, even though you can't see them. Spring will come.
  PS-I wrote about seasons a long time ago. If you care to dig into my archives, you can find it in May 31,2011.June 1,2011. Seasons were quite different then, and it was cool to see how far I have come from that time.
     

The Fighter in Me

"The most important thing is not to win but to take part, just as in life the most important thing is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well." -The Olympic Creed

    This week, training has been rough. I mean throw the covers back over my head and sleep some more rough. Last week I shared about mind over matter. This week, the matter won a couple of days. Life demanded a bit more of me and I was worn out. Thus, sleep won out a few days. But I have not, nor will I , let that knock me down and quit.
  Running has taught me to fight. I don't mean put up my fists and fight; I don't even mean shout at another person and have an argument fight. I mean it has taught me to push through and stop saying "I can't."
    Though I grew up on a farm and have that stubborn strong girl in me, I frequently found myself at one point not too long ago saying "I can't."
  I let what others say to me too often define my own mindset. I allowed myself to quit when I should have kept going. I fell into the trap of lies said to me and often times gave up.
   Running became so many metaphors to me when I started (and then finished my first race in 2009), and to this day it remains a metaphor to me on many playing levels . This week, I have remembered the fighter in me. And running has helped push that trait through.
 
  Running taught me that I Can do what I put my mind to.
       Running taught me I am bigger than words said to me.
           Running taught me it's not about winning, it's about taking part and pushing through.
 Running taught me (as stated above) that it's not about the triumph, but the struggle.
     Running helped me believe in me.
  Running taught me to fight for what I love.

And I can take all those lessons and apply them to all areas of my life.
   I can push through days when I feel like falling apart and in the end, I am stronger for it.
       I can push through words said to me and conquer them and be a better person for it.
   I don't have to win, to be in the limelight, or to have any awards; I am accomplishing a great feat and it doesn't matter who sees it or knows it-I know the struggles I conquered along the way and it is a huge victory for me even if I come in "last place."
      Life is hard. It's full of curve balls and unknowns to navigate. Yet, those struggles are what build me, part of what grow me and make me who I am. I don't like them and I don't have to like them; I just have to recognize the struggles for what they are and grow.
     I can do more than I ever thought possible.
 Fighting for my family, my marriage, my beliefs in Christ- It's worth it. Keep fighting.

If you aren't a runner, you may not understand that running has taught me all of this. But it has, and it has helped bring the fighter out in me. And for that reason, even when there are days I decide to sleep that extra hour, I am still a fighter, and the next day (like today, when it is -1 out as alarm goes off) I will conquer the bold task(s) in front of me. Whether that means getting up and running or if it means pushing through a long day at work, or if it means fighting for my family values. I am a fighter.
 One day at a time.

CFYH: You're Beautiful

Today's link up with Holley Gerth (www.holleygerth.com)(Coffee for your heart :cfyh) is all about beauty.
   I don't mean the way society tells us beauty should be portrayed; I mean the way beauty comes in its truest fashion: from within.

   And I want you to know: You Are Beautiful.

I went through a time where I obsessed almost over my size. Or if I had a zit on my face. Or if I looked ok. Don't get me wrong….I still struggle some days with these aspects. But it took some darker days in my journey to realize that beauty is NOT found in my pant size or in my skin or how I look. Beauty starts from the heart. And the most beautiful women I've ever known are those with the deepest joy from within. My mom was one of the most prime examples of beauty. She never wore make up; she was overweight; But she was SO full of joy. She also taught me my entire life that I was beautiful. She instilled the truth in my heart from a young age what beauty meant. But I went through a time where that was a harder concept for me to grasp.

  Some of you, as my readers, have heard and known my story all along. Others of you are newer to who I am and to my blog. There are so many swirling thoughts that come to my mind when the topic of beauty comes up; so many things I'd like to share that I have learned along these lines. But the one thing that kept poking my heart when Holley prompted this topic was a story I wrote called
  Beauty From Ashes: One Day at a Time

 It's my story. A part of the journey I have been on in the last few years. I know some of you have read it, but when something comes to mind over and over, I tend to believe it's what I am being prompted to share. So, below you find my story about what I learned about beauty the last few years. I had become a pile of ashes, really, in so many aspects. But I believe God has taken it and shaped it into beauty. Not for my sake or my glory, but so that His light can shine brightly through me . So, here is my story:

From Couch Rebels: Because Stories Like These Aren't told by Potatoes. 

Beauty From Ashes, One Day at a Time 

   By Rachael McKinney

November 6, 2010 was the beginning of the end for my mom. Her cancer was aggressive, and on that morning mom woke up unable to speak or write. That day we discovered there were 3 tumors on her brain. In those moments, life changed for me.

In the months that would follow leading up to the passing of my mom, depression walked through new doors in my life, sin crept into the corners of my heart, anxiety beat within the walls of my chest, and sometimes darkness threatened to take my life. Yet through all of that, I have been able to overcome the unknown and hold onto the hand of my Creator, my God, to allow Him to turn me into beauty from ashes. 

Mom held on for 4 months after that horrible day of discovering the tumors. I held on too, but barely by a thread. My husband had lost his job in the midst of that deadly diagnosis. I was mom’s caregiver, second only to my dad, and I was desperately striving to function. Those months were dark for me. I felt more alone than I ever had. I didn’t know how to share the desperation with those around me, so I often held it in, allowing barriers to go up. Mom went home to be with the Lord on March 20, 2011. I never thought that my life would be the same after losing my mom. To be quite honest, it hans’t been. I have traversed ugly paths and chosen unwisely at times. But God walked alongside me the whole way, never leaving me. And now, 2 years later, I am able to see His beauty through what was my ashes. I have seen the good come out of this exhausting event. It just took time, prayer, faith, counseling and healing.

Losing my mom has been one of the ugliest events through which I ever walked. Grief was a long journey for me and took me on some dark routes. Saying goodbye was a long winter season for me. However, in patience and perseverance, I have been able to see how God can use that for His good.

Born out of losing my mom, I took on a cause. We formed the Linda A Ferguson Memorial scholarship, to be given out to students studying to be oncology nurses. We desired to have mom’s name carried on, but even more than that, to have students carry God’s light to dark places. Places I had walked myself. Places I couldn’t go, but I could help students who could help more cancer patients and families. We fuel funds into mom’s scholarship through a 5K, a running event. Running is a passion of mine, it helped me through some of those dark days. Running would help me overcome hurt by bringing good. Giving out that first scholarship in 2012 became a life defining momment for me. My heart was filled in a new way, yet I felt speechless as I tried to put into perspective what seeing the life of that scholarship was like for me. 

It brought on waves of new emotion as I remembered my mom by having a scholarship in her memory. Knowing she’d love the girl who was receiving it, missing mom and wishing she were here for it all, but also realizing if I had not lost her, the scholarship would not even exist, was emotional. Seeing good come out of bad life situation. Seeing the scholarship and 5K event unfold brought on more dreams, and brought on the realization that I would carry on. I would be ok. Good came from the bad. Beauty rose up form the ashes. 

I do not think I will ever be able to say I am thankful I lost my mom. I miss her with a deep heartache and tears more often than not. I can sau, however, that I am thankful for all that God is teaching me in the proceess, for the scholarship we have seen come to life, for a deeper understanding of God’s grace and compassion, and for learning to live life one day at a time because it is too short.

Depression still plagues me, but God’s compassion covers me. My eyes were opened up to the sin crevices in my heart and God’s grace surrounds me. Grief has become peace. And love has found new depths in my life on a daily basis. 

He is able to bring beauty form ashes, one day at a time. I am living proof of that. 

 You see, beauty is not found in what society tells us it is found. Beauty cannot be found in a piece of clothing, extra make up, a person's words, or a perfect size. Beauty comes from your heart. And I am telling you, without I doubt: You Are Beautiful. 

   It took me many ugly events, bad choices, rough days and intense struggles to truly grasp this concept. But God took me from ashes and made my story a beautiful one. 

    He will do it for you, too.

Believe it friend: You are Beautiful. 

1 Samuel 16:7

The Message (MSG)

7 But God told Samuel, “Looks aren’t everything. Don’t be impressed with his looks and stature. I’ve already eliminated him. God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.” 

A best friend

Think about your very best friend ever.

   Is that the first person you want to call when you are having a horrible day? Does she get so excited for you when you call to tell her your greatest news? Can you sit together in quiet, with no words necessary, and still be communicating?

  That's how it is with me and my best friend. Yet I know I can always count on my best friend to love me unconditionally, cry with me, laugh until we are blue, sit quietly with me and be there for me. That's (part of) what makes up my best friend.

  I was thinking on this in regards to my prayer journey these past few days. Ultimately, as cliche as it may sound to some, God should be my best friend.
   He should be the first one I talk to when I am having a bad day….He understands it more than anyone. Even to a point of being beaten, judged, mocked and put cruelly on a cross…for me. He holds every tear I've cried even.
   He rejoices with me when I rejoice. He gets excited with every victory I have!
He asks me to come sit quietly before Him. There are times no words are necessary because He knows my heart better than I do even. And when I am still enough, He can speak love into the depths of my heart when I allow Him.

 But it is my choice whether I allow this to take place.

  Having a best friend is a great gift from the Lord. He knows I need one, that's for sure, especially as people oriented as I am.
   But ultimately, there are times when a person cannot be available. No one person is available all the time.

But God is. He is ready to listen any time. He wants me to come to Him.
 
 I heard it said this weekend (once again, in our church sermon….I'm pretty sure the Lord is making a point in my life with this prayer journey) that we often times become like those we are around, those with whom we spend the most time.  This can reflect beautifully or it can reflect ugly….it depends in part with whom we are spending our time.  That being said, the more time I spend talking with Jesus, the more I can become like Him. It's a beautiful picture.

  Having a best friend is a great gift.   Allowing Jesus to be my best friend is the best gift. It's not always easy, since He is not face to face with me physically, but the results are joyful.
    I strive to choose this one day at a time. One prayer at a time.

A Birthday Cup of Coffee

Today would be my mom's 65th birthday.

 I miss her dearly. 

  

  If she were here today, we'd likely sit over our cups of coffee, play a game, and laugh hysterically. Perhaps we'd even cry a little( because of laughing so hard, though).  There would be much encouragement to go with our warm cups of caffeine. 

   But today she gets to celebrate with Jesus in heaven. I'd venture to say that birthdays are not really celebrated there, but I won't know until I meet up with her again one day. 

   Until then, I will pretend she is having her coffee,too, and I will toast to her and chat here with you as  if she were sitting with me. 

     Just a few thoughts I've had over a few days' time. These are things which stuck out to me in newfound ways over the course of events this week. These are things for which I felt a great amount of gratitude. Some are simple. Some are larger.

   ~My dad.He's so courageous, so strong, so silly, so stubborn and such an example of love, determination, dedication, and a heart like Jesus. 

     ~ An SUV that navigates well through the snow. It makes it so I really don't mind driving in the weather, especially when the snow comes in unexpectedly.  

       ~ A beautiful snow fall. Large flakes, each one unique in its own way.
      ~ Good health. 

~ Successful surgery for my loved one, and the ability to be near by for it. 

   ~ Coffee. In so many ways, I always find a gratitude of coffee. For it's warmth and comfort. For the caffeine. And for the smile it brings as it touches my lips and goes down perfectly. I really enjoy my coffee. 

    ~ Laughter. A solid belly laugh over the dumbest thing that only siblings can share because we understand each other without even using words. I LOVE to laugh! 

      ~ Memories. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. A memory is as well, I'd say. Often times it's hard to capture a memory into a blog post or even a journal entry. I have hundreds of good memories of my mom and of my childhood days.
 

Those are just a few thoughts I'd share with mom today. Thoughts I get to let you in on this time :) 

       So, Happy Birthday, Mom! This cup's for you…in one of your favorite mugs, even. (Mom collected pigs, so don't be startled by the silliness of the saying on it). 

(if you'd like to see a video of mom's life and learn more about the scholarship we have in memory of her funded through a 5K every fall, you can find it at www.ferguson5K.com)

mind over matter

Have you ever seen the show Brain Games? The show is a short program which features on each episode some crazy way the brain functions. The episode I most recently watched focused on how our brain processes color. The results were crazy!
 Our Brain is truly amazing, if we really stop and see how much it does and how it processes events, things, conversations, activities and people.
  The reason I share this is because when it comes to exercising, our brain plays a big part.

It becomes mind over matter.

People ask me how it is that I get up at 4 am every day to exercise/train.
  My answer is that a lot of it boils down to mind over matter.

 When the alarm beeps at 4, the first thing I have to do is decide if I truly am going to get up and not lie in bed. Mind over matter. I will feel better for doing it.

   When it's 21 degrees and I really want to stay curled under the blanket: mind over matter. I will get to experience weather and learn to appreciate it more than another might, simply by going out.

When I am tired a couple miles in and I really want to walk (but haven't hit my walk break point) it becomes mind over matter. I tell myself just take another step, and another….

   I hate (really and truly do not like) speed workouts and stair runs. That especially becomes mind over matter. I have to convince my brain that I need to do those exercises. But once I do, that mind over matter translates into better times, muscles worked, body feeling good.
   And weight training….I am not the strongest individual. And weight lifting (or strength training) is not easy. It's probably why I've let it slide for well over 2 years now. However, I am back at it 2 days a week and when I decide to increase the poundage on a certain exercise, it is mind over matter for sure. My face crunches, my breathing is hard and I probably even grunt as I push through it. However, that mind over matter translates into a smile as I feel good by crossing another obstacle.

   The hardest mind over matter for me when it comes to training??? My eating habits. I love food. I especially love sweets and chips.  It is not until just recently that I have put mind over matter into practice with this. I work in a coffee shop/kitchen and it is SO hard to avoid eating the brownies, cookies, pizzas and fresh goodies that come through my doorway every day. But I have found recently that as I made one choice to say no to the junk, it led to another choice, to another good choice, and so on. And the more good choices I've made, the better I feel. However, it is truly a mindset. I convince myself I will not eat the hot brownie. I will choose the vegetables over the pizza. It doesn't mean I never indulge; however, those choices have been limited. And it feels good. Mind over matter. Trust me, I don't like  vegetables. But…. mind over matter. And I like the results much better.

  So, that's what I share today about my training journey this year.  It often boils down to mind over matter.
  I tell all the people I talk with about this: if I, a working  mom with a lot of things on the plate, can get up at 4 to train…..so can you.
  Mind over matter…..one day at a time!

 

Coffee for your Heart: You Are Loved

Today is another day I link up with Holley Gerth over at Coffee for your Heart. (www.holleygerth.com). And The above photo/quote is how I want you to feel as you read through my blog: like we are 2 friends, having a cup of coffee. Because if I had all the time in the world (and wasn't busy making coffee for everyone) I'd love to be sitting with you, having a cup of your favorite blend and chatting. 

   It's early morning, and I am just out of bed, hair messy, eyes baggy, and moving slowly,but quite content as I sip on my cup of coffee.

 Please….grab your cup and join me. 

  Today I want to tell you that You Are Loved. 

Not for what you do as a career.

  Not for what awards you have won.

    Not for what ladder you may be climbing.

        Not for your looks. 

Plain and simple: You Are Loved.

      In spite of your past mistakes.

          With disregard to any future movements. 

              No matter what pant size. 

                   All scars shown bare….

You Are Loved. 

         There is nothing you have to do to earn the love of Jesus. He offers it freely. He wants you to have it. He longs for you to know it and hold onto it with every breath. 

  If you strip every thing you own and all you feel you have become, He loves you for who you are. 

I am a people pleaser, and when anyone is upset with me, I tend to worry about being unloved (or unliked). This has  often caused me insecurities but it has been a huge lesson God has been teaching me over the last year, and I hope you can hear my heart as I pour it out here. 

  We mess up….but God extends Grace.

     We sometimes put on fake smiles….but God sees the depths of our hearts and feels compassion for our biggest hurts, fears, dreams and desires. 

  We are human, there truly is no "perfect" size, no matter what the magazines say…because God created us in His image and finds us beautiful simply because He made us, each one of us, unique.

 We strive to achieve…..but Jesus says "Come Just as You are" 

     Why? 

 Because You Are Loved. 

  He says "Child….I love you!"
   I don't have to earn it.
        I don't have to try to be the "people pleaser" that  I am with Jesus- He loves me as I am for who I am.

So stop and think about that the next time you want to beat yourself up over a hurtful word or a past mistake or what the scale may say or what you may have allowed yourself to believe for many years.
   You Are Loved.

I'm preaching to the choir here….as much as I want you to hear this and know this, this is just as much a reminder for my own heart today.
    Embrace it. One Day at A Time.