The first snowfall of the season is occurring outside as I sit and write this blog. I know I was supposed to write this almost a week ago, but between family gathering, packing, enjoying some reading and some good down time, well, I am just now sitting down to write this. On the night of the first snowfall. Just 5 days ago I actually was able to wear shorts for an afternoon run (extremely rare in Ohio at this time of year.) Now , tomorrow, as I get up at 4 to go for a run, I will be breaking out the under armour clothing and gloves. Evidence of life going on....seasons changing yet again. Such a parallel to life and to my grief process.
I wanted to say in my last blog what I spent last Thanksgiving doing, though now that that has passed, it seems irrelevant. It was a tradition to watch the Macy's day parade growing up. No matter how much food was in the oven, mom always sat down to watch the parade. We loved it. And those are moments I will remember forever. Upon starting my own family, it became a tradition that stayed with me and my kids. We all look forward to the parade. Last year, knowing it was quite likely the last Thanksgiving with mom, I picked up coffee for me and her (we enjoyed having a cup together quite often) and went to the hospital, where she was on that day, and spent the morning sitting with her watching the parade until she was too tired. It's a Thanksgiving memory that was hard, yes, but is one I will keep with me forever. Even in her last months, she was still such a fighter, living life to the most normal as possible. We sat down and watched the parade this year, as we always do. Of course, mom was in my mind the whole time. Bittersweet. I made it through the day, as God has helped me get through each one since she passed. I had my private moments of tears and remembering, but we also shared a lot of laughs, which is how mom would've wanted it. My brother cooked the turkey (and did an amazing job on it, along with the stuffing and a delicious salad), my sister and mother in law cooked pies, I made mom's sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole and corn pudding, and Dad made the mashed potatoes from scratch! Oh, if mom could've seen him, she would've been so proud. He did a great job on them! The day was nice over all. I sure missed having Michael there, though, as he had to work. It was just a very different day.
My siblings and I played games in the evening. Games have always been a tradition in our home-be it a holiday or a Friday or just any day of the week. We never needed an excuse. We love games. One of our favorites (I should say the girls' favorite-mom, Becky, and I) is Dutch Blitz. We hadn't played this since mom passed, and on Thanksgiving we played. And boy, did we laugh. My brother, who really doesn't like the game all that much, joined my sister and I, and we laughed so hard. It was bittersweet. I can't speak for them, but again, mom was in the back of my mind the whole time. She would've been laughing harder than any of us at the site of the 3 of us playing.
And so the day was different , as we all knew it would be, but again God proved faithful and got me through. Moving through grief is not easy. The holidays are hard. There is a lot of fun remembering. There is also a lot of recognizing mom not being here. I am so thankful for the many years of memories stored up.
Tonight, as the first snow falls, I finally decided to put on some Christmas music. As I have listened to it, it has made me think of mom a lot. Being in the process of moving, we are not putting up decorations, which is really ok with me this year. In so doing, it feels a little less like the season. Tonight, however, with the snow falling and the music on, I am very aware of the time of year, and the ache for mom is strong tonight. Hearing her favorite Christmas songs, thinking now about last year's, and all the previous years, and what this year's means, it's a wave of emotions. I imagine the season will hold a lot of that. But God is faithful. And one day at a time, He continues to carry me through the process, teaching me new ways to laugh, new traditions to start with my family, ways to remember mom, restoration of my heart and soul, and little moments to grab onto through this bittersweet season.
Psalm 23:1-3 "The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.He makes me to lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul."
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thankful, part 1.
Everyone right now is blogging about Thanksgiving. So I must include myself into that lump of people. Actually, it's a great thing to talk about year round, but of course, this is a typical time for it to shine through.
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday for as long as I can remember. I love the colors and the smells. I love that everyone truly seems to have grateful hearts. I love that busyness doesn't consume this day. I love the football and the harvest season and the aspect of why we celebrate this day and what comes with it. It is the holiday that is so often overlooked, as many people are already into the Christmas mode. I will not put on the music or decorate until after Thanksgiving has been noted. We try to keep lists of what we are thankful for year round, but especially at this time of year, we are noting things in our household. The kids love this day, too.
This Thanksgiving is really different. Amonth ago, I was saying how much I just wish we could skip over it. NOt having my mom this first time is like the elephant in the room. Everyone will know it and feel it but....who knows how this will really go. My grief has moved along a lot in a months time. I can't say I'm loving this holiday as much as I usually do, but I am not dreading it. It is painful . And there will be some tears, I am sure. But all I can do is keep moving through it all. It's going to happen, whether I want it to or not. And so I will try to make the best of it. Thanksgving will be at Dad's. Being there is a place of real peace for me, so I think that it will be good to have it there. I think it will be hard, too. It's just going to be different. LIfe is different, and there's no denying there. There is a void there that remains with mom gone. But don't worry, I am getting to some of the things for which I am thankful...I just have to get through the grief parts of this holiday too.
It's funny, as much as grief can be consuming at times, life keeps moving, and I have to use the experience to grow me as God has intended. I'd like to deny that at times, but lately evidence of how life keeps going has been screaming in bold letters at me. You see, my entire family is going through some enormous changes, but most of them are all exciting and good. Evidence of life going on.... we are buying a house! My sister and her husband have accepted a job as head pastor 2 hours south of here, so they are working on moving by the end of December; my older brother is home again, which is a huge blessing!; and my younger brother is getting married and he is also going to be deploying to Afghanistan in January. Life keeps going... Good changes. But a lot of changes to be happening at one time. I have thought of mom so much through all these things transpiring. How she'd quietly be at the center of most of it....supporting Tim and praying for him; helping Becky and me both pack our houses and help with the kids in the midst of the chaos; how she'd likely be playing games with Steve. It's bittersweet, experiencing these good times without her. But it is also a beautiful picture of how God moves. A year ago, I wanted nothing to do with buying a house. Now I am excited! I miss mom. This time of year is going to be full of memories and it will be hard to walk through them at times. But on this time of Thanksgiving, I want to say how grateful I am for all that mom taught me. All the laughs we shared. All the many memories I have with her. As I bake her sweet potato casserole for tomorrow, I can see her standing in the kitchen, cooking for hours for Thanksgving meals. I am so thankful that I have those to hold onto.
2011 has been one of the most difficult years I have ever had to walk through....but God is faithful and I am so very grateful for that. Words cannot even put into an appropriate picture all that He has loved me through. I am so thankful to have Him. I am thankful that true healing is unfolding.
I am thankful for my family. my husband my kids. my dad. my brother. my sister. my brother. We have sometimes a funny family dynamic, but we have a strong one. One I am grateful for.
I am thankful for my church. What a blessing they are all to me. Such a support system and a true second family.
I am thankful for my job. I could dedicate an entire blog to my job . I am so happy in it. I love my customers, who are quickly becoming some really good friends. I am really thankful for my co workers-a group of people I have bonded with in a neat way. I am thankful for a non stressful environment. I am thankful for my boss and his silly songs and crazy ways that make work a good environment. I am thankful for a consistent schedule.
I can go on and on, which is why this blog is part 1. Tomorrow I will blog again. I've had many of these things in mind lately, just making the time lately has been difficult. (Remember, we are buying a house, so working full time, packing, prepping, and all the crazy other things take time...) Until then, I will move through tomorrow not only one day at a time, but one hour at a time, because it will be a very bittersweet day. Happy Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday for as long as I can remember. I love the colors and the smells. I love that everyone truly seems to have grateful hearts. I love that busyness doesn't consume this day. I love the football and the harvest season and the aspect of why we celebrate this day and what comes with it. It is the holiday that is so often overlooked, as many people are already into the Christmas mode. I will not put on the music or decorate until after Thanksgiving has been noted. We try to keep lists of what we are thankful for year round, but especially at this time of year, we are noting things in our household. The kids love this day, too.
This Thanksgiving is really different. Amonth ago, I was saying how much I just wish we could skip over it. NOt having my mom this first time is like the elephant in the room. Everyone will know it and feel it but....who knows how this will really go. My grief has moved along a lot in a months time. I can't say I'm loving this holiday as much as I usually do, but I am not dreading it. It is painful . And there will be some tears, I am sure. But all I can do is keep moving through it all. It's going to happen, whether I want it to or not. And so I will try to make the best of it. Thanksgving will be at Dad's. Being there is a place of real peace for me, so I think that it will be good to have it there. I think it will be hard, too. It's just going to be different. LIfe is different, and there's no denying there. There is a void there that remains with mom gone. But don't worry, I am getting to some of the things for which I am thankful...I just have to get through the grief parts of this holiday too.
It's funny, as much as grief can be consuming at times, life keeps moving, and I have to use the experience to grow me as God has intended. I'd like to deny that at times, but lately evidence of how life keeps going has been screaming in bold letters at me. You see, my entire family is going through some enormous changes, but most of them are all exciting and good. Evidence of life going on.... we are buying a house! My sister and her husband have accepted a job as head pastor 2 hours south of here, so they are working on moving by the end of December; my older brother is home again, which is a huge blessing!; and my younger brother is getting married and he is also going to be deploying to Afghanistan in January. Life keeps going... Good changes. But a lot of changes to be happening at one time. I have thought of mom so much through all these things transpiring. How she'd quietly be at the center of most of it....supporting Tim and praying for him; helping Becky and me both pack our houses and help with the kids in the midst of the chaos; how she'd likely be playing games with Steve. It's bittersweet, experiencing these good times without her. But it is also a beautiful picture of how God moves. A year ago, I wanted nothing to do with buying a house. Now I am excited! I miss mom. This time of year is going to be full of memories and it will be hard to walk through them at times. But on this time of Thanksgiving, I want to say how grateful I am for all that mom taught me. All the laughs we shared. All the many memories I have with her. As I bake her sweet potato casserole for tomorrow, I can see her standing in the kitchen, cooking for hours for Thanksgving meals. I am so thankful that I have those to hold onto.
2011 has been one of the most difficult years I have ever had to walk through....but God is faithful and I am so very grateful for that. Words cannot even put into an appropriate picture all that He has loved me through. I am so thankful to have Him. I am thankful that true healing is unfolding.
I am thankful for my family. my husband my kids. my dad. my brother. my sister. my brother. We have sometimes a funny family dynamic, but we have a strong one. One I am grateful for.
I am thankful for my church. What a blessing they are all to me. Such a support system and a true second family.
I am thankful for my job. I could dedicate an entire blog to my job . I am so happy in it. I love my customers, who are quickly becoming some really good friends. I am really thankful for my co workers-a group of people I have bonded with in a neat way. I am thankful for a non stressful environment. I am thankful for my boss and his silly songs and crazy ways that make work a good environment. I am thankful for a consistent schedule.
I can go on and on, which is why this blog is part 1. Tomorrow I will blog again. I've had many of these things in mind lately, just making the time lately has been difficult. (Remember, we are buying a house, so working full time, packing, prepping, and all the crazy other things take time...) Until then, I will move through tomorrow not only one day at a time, but one hour at a time, because it will be a very bittersweet day. Happy Thanksgiving.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
November 5-6,2010
On this day a year ago, it was my second day off in a row. I was out running routine errands. My mom had an appointment scheduled with her oncologist that day. Sort of a routine checkup after radiation, and sort of to talk about some concerns. I was waiting for a call from mom, as I usually did after one of her dr. appointments. I was in line at WalMart and my phone rang....dad's cell phone. Immediately I picked up, anxiously awaiting mom's voice of what her doctor had said. Only it was my dad on the phone, and it was so hard to understand him through all the emotion.
"Rachael, we have a real problem. Mom can't speak or write. ".....silence.... "ok, dad, I'll be right there." and that was about the extent of the conversation. Between phone calls to my sister-piecing together what she knew and what I knew-and call to Michael that I was headed straight to the hospital-I drove over the speed limit to get to my mom and dad's side as fast as possible. I was very confused and scared as to what was happening. All I knew was that morning, Novemeber 5, mom woke up and couldn't talk at all. And at the dr. office as they discovered this more, she couldn't write either.
As Becky and I both arrived at Good Samaritan North, where mom was being treated, we sat by mom's side and got the story from dad. Really, we weren't all supposed to be there, but the nurses were quite kind. All we knew was that something was happening and it hadn't been a stroke. We were waiting as mom was going in for an MRI immediately. Meanwhile, we played phone tag with Tim and STeve to get them the story of what was happening. Soon Michael arrived. We could do nothing but wait, so we went to Steak N Shake for lunch. Seems a strange thing to do, but we did. After mom's MRI, I can't remember if we saw her oncologist or not. But I do remember going down to the radiologist's office. We all squeezed in there. There were 7 of us, including the radiologist. But we were supporting one another. Here we found out mom had 3 new tumors-2 on the brain, 1 on the skull. That is what caused mom to not be able to speak or write. They gave mom a radiation treatment then and would proceed to give several more and then determine from there. But the radiation should shrink the tumor so she should regain some of the speech and writing skill. We asked a lot of questions and took in all the information. We were all exhausted from tears, fears, praying, learning, and being in a hospital environment all day. Finally, the radiologist said there wasn't much more we could do that day....just to proceed as we were and just get her to the hospital if there were more dramatic changes. Meanswhile, Steve was on his way home.
Together, Michael and I decided I'd stay the night out at the farm. It had been a very long day ....I drove home and grabbed some clothes and ordered pizza to pick up for dinner on the way to mom and dad's. Mom was a very loved woman and news traveled fast....when I arrived at the farm, a good friend of mom's, who had just had her own mom's funeral that day, was at the farm bringing food! Now that is the love of Christ shining through. Anyhow, all food was brought in and after talking a few minutes and praying together, they left and dad and I (and Elizabeth, as she was staying the night with me) sat down to eat, weary after a very long, emotional day. We had no idea what to expect. It was very scary. And so hard to understand ....we'd never been a position of mom not being able to communicate her needs. I cannot remember at what point Steve showed up in the night...but he arrived and it was so good to have my big brother home. I slept fitfully that night-partially due to not my own bed, but more so due to worry . The next morning, Saturday, November 6, Michael came out to the farm early to make breakfast for everyone. As he cooked and Becky and all her family arrived, I helped mom get up. It was hard not knowing totally what she needed. We had to figure out ways to communicate like we never had before. She was unsteady, but she got out to the breakfast table ok. As we sat down to eat, it was noticeable that her functions were slightly worse that morning. Fast forward about 30 minutes....dad and me and ....I can't remember who else was with us...were in the back talking. We were called out in an emergency fashion. Mom was having a seizure.
Part of me hates reliving this. And sharing it here is a hesitation I have. But it's part of the process....walking through the events kind of again. It's sort of natural. I heard a quote today....it was "LIfe is a journey-not so much the destination, but the transformation..." And i realized how true that rang for me,e ven on this specific day. To see what God is doing in me through this journey of grief. He is transforming me...I see things in such a different light. But as I do that, I still have to get through these yearly milestones.
But back to a year ago. The ambulance was called, paramedics came, mom had come back to a non seizure form . Michael got the kids off to our best friends' house, BEcky, Steve, and I all piled into Steves car and we sped off to the hospital. None of us knew what to expect or what was happening or what would be to come in the next days, let alone months. Friends piled into the hospital little by little. The love of Christ was surrounding us. It was only by that and by Him that we got through that day..and the days ahead. Mom was admitted, and they kept her there for a few days. TEsts were run, meds were given, explanations were spoken and countless hours were spent beginning a new understanding of what was happening. Cancer was spreading. But mom was amazing through all this....determination shone through. Faith was evident. The months to come would be difficult, but we'd take them one day at a time. It was this time last y ear that I really began to understand and embrace one day at a time.....
Mom taught me that.
I don't want to end this post on a sober note. Yes, a year ago this day was very very hard for me. And today I remember it quite vividly. But I also mean this when I say it....I rejoice that my mom now has no pain. Shoot, I envy that she gets to be in heaven. But I will see her healthy again one day, and that is just one reason to keep smiling through the tears. And keep plugging through this first unknown year of a new normal. Some days that is hard to embrace....but I'm learning to. Because, as I said, it's not the destination, it's the transformation. And somehow, losing mom is a new transforming experience, albeit painful at times. But one day at a time, I begin to see Him in new ways.
"The Biblical view is that waiting is not so much about when I will get what I'm waiting for, but WHAT I WILL BECOME as I wait." Dr. Paul David Tripp
"Rachael, we have a real problem. Mom can't speak or write. ".....silence.... "ok, dad, I'll be right there." and that was about the extent of the conversation. Between phone calls to my sister-piecing together what she knew and what I knew-and call to Michael that I was headed straight to the hospital-I drove over the speed limit to get to my mom and dad's side as fast as possible. I was very confused and scared as to what was happening. All I knew was that morning, Novemeber 5, mom woke up and couldn't talk at all. And at the dr. office as they discovered this more, she couldn't write either.
As Becky and I both arrived at Good Samaritan North, where mom was being treated, we sat by mom's side and got the story from dad. Really, we weren't all supposed to be there, but the nurses were quite kind. All we knew was that something was happening and it hadn't been a stroke. We were waiting as mom was going in for an MRI immediately. Meanwhile, we played phone tag with Tim and STeve to get them the story of what was happening. Soon Michael arrived. We could do nothing but wait, so we went to Steak N Shake for lunch. Seems a strange thing to do, but we did. After mom's MRI, I can't remember if we saw her oncologist or not. But I do remember going down to the radiologist's office. We all squeezed in there. There were 7 of us, including the radiologist. But we were supporting one another. Here we found out mom had 3 new tumors-2 on the brain, 1 on the skull. That is what caused mom to not be able to speak or write. They gave mom a radiation treatment then and would proceed to give several more and then determine from there. But the radiation should shrink the tumor so she should regain some of the speech and writing skill. We asked a lot of questions and took in all the information. We were all exhausted from tears, fears, praying, learning, and being in a hospital environment all day. Finally, the radiologist said there wasn't much more we could do that day....just to proceed as we were and just get her to the hospital if there were more dramatic changes. Meanswhile, Steve was on his way home.
Together, Michael and I decided I'd stay the night out at the farm. It had been a very long day ....I drove home and grabbed some clothes and ordered pizza to pick up for dinner on the way to mom and dad's. Mom was a very loved woman and news traveled fast....when I arrived at the farm, a good friend of mom's, who had just had her own mom's funeral that day, was at the farm bringing food! Now that is the love of Christ shining through. Anyhow, all food was brought in and after talking a few minutes and praying together, they left and dad and I (and Elizabeth, as she was staying the night with me) sat down to eat, weary after a very long, emotional day. We had no idea what to expect. It was very scary. And so hard to understand ....we'd never been a position of mom not being able to communicate her needs. I cannot remember at what point Steve showed up in the night...but he arrived and it was so good to have my big brother home. I slept fitfully that night-partially due to not my own bed, but more so due to worry . The next morning, Saturday, November 6, Michael came out to the farm early to make breakfast for everyone. As he cooked and Becky and all her family arrived, I helped mom get up. It was hard not knowing totally what she needed. We had to figure out ways to communicate like we never had before. She was unsteady, but she got out to the breakfast table ok. As we sat down to eat, it was noticeable that her functions were slightly worse that morning. Fast forward about 30 minutes....dad and me and ....I can't remember who else was with us...were in the back talking. We were called out in an emergency fashion. Mom was having a seizure.
Part of me hates reliving this. And sharing it here is a hesitation I have. But it's part of the process....walking through the events kind of again. It's sort of natural. I heard a quote today....it was "LIfe is a journey-not so much the destination, but the transformation..." And i realized how true that rang for me,e ven on this specific day. To see what God is doing in me through this journey of grief. He is transforming me...I see things in such a different light. But as I do that, I still have to get through these yearly milestones.
But back to a year ago. The ambulance was called, paramedics came, mom had come back to a non seizure form . Michael got the kids off to our best friends' house, BEcky, Steve, and I all piled into Steves car and we sped off to the hospital. None of us knew what to expect or what was happening or what would be to come in the next days, let alone months. Friends piled into the hospital little by little. The love of Christ was surrounding us. It was only by that and by Him that we got through that day..and the days ahead. Mom was admitted, and they kept her there for a few days. TEsts were run, meds were given, explanations were spoken and countless hours were spent beginning a new understanding of what was happening. Cancer was spreading. But mom was amazing through all this....determination shone through. Faith was evident. The months to come would be difficult, but we'd take them one day at a time. It was this time last y ear that I really began to understand and embrace one day at a time.....
Mom taught me that.
I don't want to end this post on a sober note. Yes, a year ago this day was very very hard for me. And today I remember it quite vividly. But I also mean this when I say it....I rejoice that my mom now has no pain. Shoot, I envy that she gets to be in heaven. But I will see her healthy again one day, and that is just one reason to keep smiling through the tears. And keep plugging through this first unknown year of a new normal. Some days that is hard to embrace....but I'm learning to. Because, as I said, it's not the destination, it's the transformation. And somehow, losing mom is a new transforming experience, albeit painful at times. But one day at a time, I begin to see Him in new ways.
"The Biblical view is that waiting is not so much about when I will get what I'm waiting for, but WHAT I WILL BECOME as I wait." Dr. Paul David Tripp
Friday, November 4, 2011
November 4,2010
Do you know what you were doing on this exact day one year ago? Probably not. Because really, Nov. 4 is not a significant day to many people. But this day, in 2010 will forever be something I will hold onto.
It was Thursday, Novemeber 4,2010. I had the rare joy of 2 days off in a row-Thurs and Fri. After the kids got off to school, the weather was beautiful, so I decided I'd head out for a 6 mile run. Only I wanted a bit of different scenery, so I chose to run the Yellow Springs Bike Path. This time of year, it is beautiful. Since I was going to be just down the road from the farm, I called mom. At this point in time, one year ago, she was going through things like chemo and had just finished some radiation. She had a tumor on the back of the neck that had just finished being treated. Her attitude, as always, was one of beating the disease. I was spending a lot of time with her. I called her, being it my day off and being that I was going to be close, and told her when I finished my run, I'd come out for lunch.
I set out on the path that beautiful day and really just enjoyed my run. I wasn't out for a time or speed, I was out to run. And pray. And think. Though mom's battle hadn't turned fierce yet, it was still an exhausting road and a hard journey to be walking. I loved my runs. (I still do). Anyway, the leaves were falling, and the colors were brilliant yellows. The fields on either side of the path were either freshly harvested or waiting to be harvested. The path was quiet that day. I remember my headphones and specific songs from that run. It was an enjoyable run.
When my run finished, I headed out to the farm. I have no idea what we ate for lunch. I just know we enjoyed it. It was just mom and I-dad was busy out doing work since it was nice weather. Mom and I talked about all the things. Then we played Dutch Blitz-our favorite card game. And we enjoyed a cup of coffee. Soon, I had to be going, as I had to get the kids from school. I cannot tell you exactly what we ate that day, or exactly what we talked about. But I remember our coffee and I remember playing the game and I remember laughing so hard, like I often did with my mom. We hugged tightly, as had become the normal, and I walked out the door, exchanging "I love you"s and off I went to get my kids.
To you all, this may seems like just another memory I am recalling. However, it is so precious to me, because the next day, Novemeber 5, would change our lives forever. Tomorrow I will blog more about that. So I guess I'll say "to be continued...."
I will be recalling a lot of details int he next few months-I think it's normal and it's ok. Don't think I'm stuck just because I'm recalling these things. It's just part of my process. To get through this yucky first year without mom, this is part of what I have to do for me. Really, I've made some great strides in my grief process...though many of you may not see it. God gets the glory for that. Because it is certainly not by my strength.
I am so thankful that I took the time that day to just ignore house duties and such (as I would typically give some time to those on days off) and go be with mom. It was our last really normal conversation. And it's one I'll never forget, even if I cannot remember every word. You see, those are the moments that count. Not a clean house. I'd never take back that day with my mom.....it's one I'll never have again. God knew that that day, I'm sure. We even talked that night on the phone, as we usually did. The next day would be a different story. I'll tell you more tomorrow...
It was Thursday, Novemeber 4,2010. I had the rare joy of 2 days off in a row-Thurs and Fri. After the kids got off to school, the weather was beautiful, so I decided I'd head out for a 6 mile run. Only I wanted a bit of different scenery, so I chose to run the Yellow Springs Bike Path. This time of year, it is beautiful. Since I was going to be just down the road from the farm, I called mom. At this point in time, one year ago, she was going through things like chemo and had just finished some radiation. She had a tumor on the back of the neck that had just finished being treated. Her attitude, as always, was one of beating the disease. I was spending a lot of time with her. I called her, being it my day off and being that I was going to be close, and told her when I finished my run, I'd come out for lunch.
I set out on the path that beautiful day and really just enjoyed my run. I wasn't out for a time or speed, I was out to run. And pray. And think. Though mom's battle hadn't turned fierce yet, it was still an exhausting road and a hard journey to be walking. I loved my runs. (I still do). Anyway, the leaves were falling, and the colors were brilliant yellows. The fields on either side of the path were either freshly harvested or waiting to be harvested. The path was quiet that day. I remember my headphones and specific songs from that run. It was an enjoyable run.
When my run finished, I headed out to the farm. I have no idea what we ate for lunch. I just know we enjoyed it. It was just mom and I-dad was busy out doing work since it was nice weather. Mom and I talked about all the things. Then we played Dutch Blitz-our favorite card game. And we enjoyed a cup of coffee. Soon, I had to be going, as I had to get the kids from school. I cannot tell you exactly what we ate that day, or exactly what we talked about. But I remember our coffee and I remember playing the game and I remember laughing so hard, like I often did with my mom. We hugged tightly, as had become the normal, and I walked out the door, exchanging "I love you"s and off I went to get my kids.
To you all, this may seems like just another memory I am recalling. However, it is so precious to me, because the next day, Novemeber 5, would change our lives forever. Tomorrow I will blog more about that. So I guess I'll say "to be continued...."
I will be recalling a lot of details int he next few months-I think it's normal and it's ok. Don't think I'm stuck just because I'm recalling these things. It's just part of my process. To get through this yucky first year without mom, this is part of what I have to do for me. Really, I've made some great strides in my grief process...though many of you may not see it. God gets the glory for that. Because it is certainly not by my strength.
I am so thankful that I took the time that day to just ignore house duties and such (as I would typically give some time to those on days off) and go be with mom. It was our last really normal conversation. And it's one I'll never forget, even if I cannot remember every word. You see, those are the moments that count. Not a clean house. I'd never take back that day with my mom.....it's one I'll never have again. God knew that that day, I'm sure. We even talked that night on the phone, as we usually did. The next day would be a different story. I'll tell you more tomorrow...
Friday, October 21, 2011
faithful friends
I decided to take a break from all my grief blogging. Well, a small break anyway. I've had a lot on my mind lately and I have been processing some pretty intense emotions as I continue to walk through this journey. But as I do this, I am really very thankful for some very faithful friends in my life. And I wanted to take time here to mention them. Without these friends, I don't think I could get through this totally. Also without these friends, I wouldn't be entirely who I am. They encourage me and help me and just make me a better person a lot of times. So I want to just share a few names and say just how much gratitude is in my heart for these people.
-My husband, Michael. I could simply not make it through this period of grief and change without him. It has certainly been no piece of cake or predictable journey for him, either. As my moods change day to day, he has been faithful in loving me through them. He has endured an unpredictable roller coaster-the ups and downs are unseen until i am on them. And he has been riding by my side the whole way. It doesn't mean it's been easy by any means, but it is making us stronger. I love him dearly. And I am so thankful to have him. Without him, this time would be even more dark. He has displayed Love is patient....
-My dad. I love him. I admire him. He is stronger than I am much of the time. His faith is enormous. Our friendship has grown through this. I couldn't make it through missing mom without dad. Many times, he is the only one who truly understands, because I know his pain must reach more deep than mine does. And yet is like a rock through all this. Being out at the farm with him is really one of my most favorite places to be. We support each other. I see mom's love being lived out through him still. I am thankful for my dad.
-Janet. What a friend. There are not even words to say how grateful I am for her support and love each and every step of the way. I am so thankful that God brought us together as friends. She has been the most faithful friend through all this-always asking almost every day how I am doing. Praying for me, with me. Sending a note my way. Being there during the time of the funeral. Loving on my kids in superior ways. Helping them through this time as much as she is helping me. She has encouraged me daily. And supported me with scripture and prayer and hugs and kind words. Or sometimes just by saying nothing at all.She has also shared loving words to make me ponder if my actions are justified. But she's never made me feel judged for any of the emotions. She's a living example of Christ. She has endured listening to my every tear and every frustration and every fear. She is a blessing.
-Brandon and Saralee. also quite faithful friends in different ways . Quiet supporters, always there for me any time I've needed to call or cry or just be me. Loving words, also correcting words. A Hug. prayerful for me and my family. An incredible support through time of need. Precious friends.
-Doug and Ten-2 friends we have had for our whole married life. They have been there for eery single things we have gone through-from our wedding, to birth of children, to all of our moves, to mom's sickness and death, to the marathons and the 5K. They are a picture of true friendship. They come at the drop of a hat. I can always count on them. We always laugh together. Sometimes I cry. But they always listen. And sometimes they help take mind off things and help me to remember how to have fun. Words can't even say how much their friendship means.
-Netta. She has been with me every step of the way as well. We grew up together. She is like a sister to me. She lived next door to me my whole life. Her mom was my aunt as well as my mom her aunt, just because our families are so close. She has been a tremendous support to me and probably the one who has understood the best. She not only has spent time praying, she has cooked meals and gone out of her way to help in so many different areas. She has called me and talked with me and asked questions and listened like only Netta can do. She has walked this loss with me. She was even there the very moment mom died-that's how much she is family. I could not get through this time without her.
-Kitty. Kitty has spent countless hours listening to me. And she has always given sound advice. She prays. And she follows up all the time. She has been one I have felt comfortable calling in the darkest of my moments. Kitty is a blessing from God. She is one to whom I will forever be grateful
-Julie. Also a long time faithful friend of mine. Once a mentor. Probalby could really still be called that! She is a precious friend. She has spoken truths to me at times when no one else knew what to say. She has listened to all my hurts and sorrows and she has loved me and prayed for me. She has helped me push through one perspective to see another view. She is a treasure.
-Jenny. Jenny has walked the path of grief and depression and has understood my issues as if she were speaking them herself. She has been a constant encouragement and a faithful prayer friend. She also has been one faithful to respond to my questions and my fears. God is using her in my life because of the difficult path of grief she already walked. I hope one day I can be used as she is ....
-Mindy. I've known Mindy for years. Mindy knew my mom. In fact, we had a lot of laughing times as kids growing up with my mom. Recently Mindy moved back and we've reconnected, and it's been a God moment to do so. We've leaned hard on each other through some pretty rough days, and it usually happens when she is having a good day, I am not and vice versa. She is a treasure in my life, and I am so glad to have reconnected. We laugh together a lot. And we cry, too. Mindy is a gift to me.
I've also made some new friends along the way:
-Annette. She understands loss . And she has helped me better understand mine. And since she is on the other side of hers now, I can see that there will be healing. God is using her.
-My work crew-especially Kim,Tiffany and Nellie. I laugh so very hard with these 3. We have a great time together. And since we work together daily, we can certainly understand a lot about each other. Tiffany has become my morning running partner, and that has been fun, too. Each of them is a blessing in a unique way. David, my boss, also fits into this category. He's fun to work with and I am thankful for the opportunity. He brings a creative flare to every day and that's always fun and interesting. being at this new job has been huge blessing and has helped me through my grief, even if that is one place where I really don't talk about it.
I know that I could keep mentioning people. A handful of my very best friends live in FL and LA and so it's harder to share the grief, but they still have been faithful friends. Some people have touched my life in just a one time interaction. Others continue to do so. I realize in writing this, that I am so blessed. I really do have a great support system. In the months to come, I will likely begin recalling details of what was happening at this time last year. We are about to hit some pivotal dates i will never forget. But for today, I just wanted to be thankful. And take that into tomorrow and continue to do so one day at a time. Because even though grief sucks, there are still rainbows through the rainstorms. These people are just a few of those...
Until next time, the journey of getting through all this continues and one day a time, healing continues to come.
-My husband, Michael. I could simply not make it through this period of grief and change without him. It has certainly been no piece of cake or predictable journey for him, either. As my moods change day to day, he has been faithful in loving me through them. He has endured an unpredictable roller coaster-the ups and downs are unseen until i am on them. And he has been riding by my side the whole way. It doesn't mean it's been easy by any means, but it is making us stronger. I love him dearly. And I am so thankful to have him. Without him, this time would be even more dark. He has displayed Love is patient....
-My dad. I love him. I admire him. He is stronger than I am much of the time. His faith is enormous. Our friendship has grown through this. I couldn't make it through missing mom without dad. Many times, he is the only one who truly understands, because I know his pain must reach more deep than mine does. And yet is like a rock through all this. Being out at the farm with him is really one of my most favorite places to be. We support each other. I see mom's love being lived out through him still. I am thankful for my dad.
-Janet. What a friend. There are not even words to say how grateful I am for her support and love each and every step of the way. I am so thankful that God brought us together as friends. She has been the most faithful friend through all this-always asking almost every day how I am doing. Praying for me, with me. Sending a note my way. Being there during the time of the funeral. Loving on my kids in superior ways. Helping them through this time as much as she is helping me. She has encouraged me daily. And supported me with scripture and prayer and hugs and kind words. Or sometimes just by saying nothing at all.She has also shared loving words to make me ponder if my actions are justified. But she's never made me feel judged for any of the emotions. She's a living example of Christ. She has endured listening to my every tear and every frustration and every fear. She is a blessing.
-Brandon and Saralee. also quite faithful friends in different ways . Quiet supporters, always there for me any time I've needed to call or cry or just be me. Loving words, also correcting words. A Hug. prayerful for me and my family. An incredible support through time of need. Precious friends.
-Doug and Ten-2 friends we have had for our whole married life. They have been there for eery single things we have gone through-from our wedding, to birth of children, to all of our moves, to mom's sickness and death, to the marathons and the 5K. They are a picture of true friendship. They come at the drop of a hat. I can always count on them. We always laugh together. Sometimes I cry. But they always listen. And sometimes they help take mind off things and help me to remember how to have fun. Words can't even say how much their friendship means.
-Netta. She has been with me every step of the way as well. We grew up together. She is like a sister to me. She lived next door to me my whole life. Her mom was my aunt as well as my mom her aunt, just because our families are so close. She has been a tremendous support to me and probably the one who has understood the best. She not only has spent time praying, she has cooked meals and gone out of her way to help in so many different areas. She has called me and talked with me and asked questions and listened like only Netta can do. She has walked this loss with me. She was even there the very moment mom died-that's how much she is family. I could not get through this time without her.
-Kitty. Kitty has spent countless hours listening to me. And she has always given sound advice. She prays. And she follows up all the time. She has been one I have felt comfortable calling in the darkest of my moments. Kitty is a blessing from God. She is one to whom I will forever be grateful
-Julie. Also a long time faithful friend of mine. Once a mentor. Probalby could really still be called that! She is a precious friend. She has spoken truths to me at times when no one else knew what to say. She has listened to all my hurts and sorrows and she has loved me and prayed for me. She has helped me push through one perspective to see another view. She is a treasure.
-Jenny. Jenny has walked the path of grief and depression and has understood my issues as if she were speaking them herself. She has been a constant encouragement and a faithful prayer friend. She also has been one faithful to respond to my questions and my fears. God is using her in my life because of the difficult path of grief she already walked. I hope one day I can be used as she is ....
-Mindy. I've known Mindy for years. Mindy knew my mom. In fact, we had a lot of laughing times as kids growing up with my mom. Recently Mindy moved back and we've reconnected, and it's been a God moment to do so. We've leaned hard on each other through some pretty rough days, and it usually happens when she is having a good day, I am not and vice versa. She is a treasure in my life, and I am so glad to have reconnected. We laugh together a lot. And we cry, too. Mindy is a gift to me.
I've also made some new friends along the way:
-Annette. She understands loss . And she has helped me better understand mine. And since she is on the other side of hers now, I can see that there will be healing. God is using her.
-My work crew-especially Kim,Tiffany and Nellie. I laugh so very hard with these 3. We have a great time together. And since we work together daily, we can certainly understand a lot about each other. Tiffany has become my morning running partner, and that has been fun, too. Each of them is a blessing in a unique way. David, my boss, also fits into this category. He's fun to work with and I am thankful for the opportunity. He brings a creative flare to every day and that's always fun and interesting. being at this new job has been huge blessing and has helped me through my grief, even if that is one place where I really don't talk about it.
I know that I could keep mentioning people. A handful of my very best friends live in FL and LA and so it's harder to share the grief, but they still have been faithful friends. Some people have touched my life in just a one time interaction. Others continue to do so. I realize in writing this, that I am so blessed. I really do have a great support system. In the months to come, I will likely begin recalling details of what was happening at this time last year. We are about to hit some pivotal dates i will never forget. But for today, I just wanted to be thankful. And take that into tomorrow and continue to do so one day at a time. Because even though grief sucks, there are still rainbows through the rainstorms. These people are just a few of those...
Until next time, the journey of getting through all this continues and one day a time, healing continues to come.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
to honor mom....to honor God
well, i just tucked two very tired kids into bed. i also am not far behind them. but if i don't sit down and blog tonight i probably will not rest well because my mind is so full.
so, i'm going to detail out the day and the emotions for you. this 5k was set up to honor mom...to be done in her memory...but ultimately to honor God. that's what mom did with her whole life. she really honored God. today...today was a tribute to her and a testimony and tribute to God, too.
the alarm went off at 5 and i sleepily hit it, but knew i needed to get up and get moving. today was a big day! i got up and worked on last minute details and packed up the truck. my cousin, ezra, was staying with us, so he helped too. we walked out the door at 6 am and went a picked up a cambro of coffee (thank goodness...i was in need!). then we went and picked up some delicious donuts for all the volunteers and family and whoever else,really. we drove out to cedarville to begin set up. soon the CU cross country team showed up to help. They were a huge blessing to us! They were a huge part of the success, as they provided our time clocks and helped with set up and did all kinds of little things. it was a bit chilly before the sun came up, but we all warmed up as the day went a long.
around 8 or so people started trickling in, little by little. it was fun to know most of the people who came out to do the event today. lots of hugs were given (which i really enjoyed! i am a hugger...and today was all the more reason for them) there were a few times i began to feel the tears come on. Once it was just a matter of set up being done and me just kind of standing there taking in what was really happening. Once it was one of mom's good friends showing up to give a donation. Once it was when the prayer was happening before the event...so little moments i held it together, but barely.
mom would've loved today. the weather was her favorite and it was beautiful! i could not have asked for a better day. it kind of had mom written all over it. i am so thankful. at 9, we started the lineup and our pastor did the opening prayer. he did a great job...it was really honoring to God...and a really special prayer. i could barely NOT cry through it, but i managed to be ok, which s good , because as soon as the prayer was done, it was time for me to sound the air horn.
i really cannot believe that i was the "director" of the event, and ihad the privilege of starting it off. Alittle unreal....
There were about 50 runners there today. I feel really good about that. I wish I could sit and name each one here....because each person means something to me in some way. But i'd leave someone out or something, so I will say this: i had people come from all areas of my life...friends from growing up who helped raise me through church and sunday school and who knew mom very closely; people who were runner friends; people i work with; customers at my current job/ and one customer from my previous job; friends from relay for life.... people who loved mom. it was amazing. I loved watching them take off, and I loved being there to cheer them on as they crossed. it was very different from running a race....being on the other side of it was really neat today. I LOVED it! i loved watching it all unfold. I loved how it all came together. I loved learning through this process. I loved the day. scary to say... i may have found a new passion.
it was awesome cheering them across the finish line. as the event began to wrap up, it was fun mingling a little bit more with each person. and it was fun giving out door prizes. and it was fun taking all kinds of pictures.
as people began leaving and we cleaned up, we all headed back to the farm. as i counted all that we'd collected, i learned something that blew me away...are you ready for this?? this is ONLY by the grace of God that this happened...
we raised 3,000$!!!!!
what a neat tribute. to God. to mom. I cannot wait to see the student who will be the recipient.
Then as the day kept on, we enjoyed some family time. we spent the afternoon talking and catching up with family from out of town. I spent some time thanking the businesses in town and also catching up with our best friends (who are really family) who came in for the event. a bit later we all went out to young's and celebrated with food and fun. as a family, we ate, we laughed, we fed goats, and we hit balls in the batting cages.( oh, and i forgot to say, that along the way the kids did take a short nap in the car. )
for the first time in a very long time i felt like...i'm going to be ok. oh, i will still have my bad days. my grief is far from over. but today i felt like- it's going to be ok. i can do this. life is so different. but there are many ways to remember mom that are positive. oh, i have to cry still. i have to grieve. and i'm sure i will have really bad days still. but....this was a really good start to healing yet even more. healing is coming along...little by little.
i know it would probably seem crazy to say this....but i am going to anyway. i really felt mom around me all day today . i felt God's presence all around me today. and both were things i needed. mom will always be with me. and maybe, just maybe, i can help carry out her legacy a little more.
so ...there will be another 5k next year and i already have ideas rolling with it to improve it.
i don't know what tomorrow will bring. or other days this week. but today was a good one and i will give God all the glory for that! one day at a time....
so, i'm going to detail out the day and the emotions for you. this 5k was set up to honor mom...to be done in her memory...but ultimately to honor God. that's what mom did with her whole life. she really honored God. today...today was a tribute to her and a testimony and tribute to God, too.
the alarm went off at 5 and i sleepily hit it, but knew i needed to get up and get moving. today was a big day! i got up and worked on last minute details and packed up the truck. my cousin, ezra, was staying with us, so he helped too. we walked out the door at 6 am and went a picked up a cambro of coffee (thank goodness...i was in need!). then we went and picked up some delicious donuts for all the volunteers and family and whoever else,really. we drove out to cedarville to begin set up. soon the CU cross country team showed up to help. They were a huge blessing to us! They were a huge part of the success, as they provided our time clocks and helped with set up and did all kinds of little things. it was a bit chilly before the sun came up, but we all warmed up as the day went a long.
around 8 or so people started trickling in, little by little. it was fun to know most of the people who came out to do the event today. lots of hugs were given (which i really enjoyed! i am a hugger...and today was all the more reason for them) there were a few times i began to feel the tears come on. Once it was just a matter of set up being done and me just kind of standing there taking in what was really happening. Once it was one of mom's good friends showing up to give a donation. Once it was when the prayer was happening before the event...so little moments i held it together, but barely.
mom would've loved today. the weather was her favorite and it was beautiful! i could not have asked for a better day. it kind of had mom written all over it. i am so thankful. at 9, we started the lineup and our pastor did the opening prayer. he did a great job...it was really honoring to God...and a really special prayer. i could barely NOT cry through it, but i managed to be ok, which s good , because as soon as the prayer was done, it was time for me to sound the air horn.
i really cannot believe that i was the "director" of the event, and ihad the privilege of starting it off. Alittle unreal....
There were about 50 runners there today. I feel really good about that. I wish I could sit and name each one here....because each person means something to me in some way. But i'd leave someone out or something, so I will say this: i had people come from all areas of my life...friends from growing up who helped raise me through church and sunday school and who knew mom very closely; people who were runner friends; people i work with; customers at my current job/ and one customer from my previous job; friends from relay for life.... people who loved mom. it was amazing. I loved watching them take off, and I loved being there to cheer them on as they crossed. it was very different from running a race....being on the other side of it was really neat today. I LOVED it! i loved watching it all unfold. I loved how it all came together. I loved learning through this process. I loved the day. scary to say... i may have found a new passion.
it was awesome cheering them across the finish line. as the event began to wrap up, it was fun mingling a little bit more with each person. and it was fun giving out door prizes. and it was fun taking all kinds of pictures.
as people began leaving and we cleaned up, we all headed back to the farm. as i counted all that we'd collected, i learned something that blew me away...are you ready for this?? this is ONLY by the grace of God that this happened...
we raised 3,000$!!!!!
what a neat tribute. to God. to mom. I cannot wait to see the student who will be the recipient.
Then as the day kept on, we enjoyed some family time. we spent the afternoon talking and catching up with family from out of town. I spent some time thanking the businesses in town and also catching up with our best friends (who are really family) who came in for the event. a bit later we all went out to young's and celebrated with food and fun. as a family, we ate, we laughed, we fed goats, and we hit balls in the batting cages.( oh, and i forgot to say, that along the way the kids did take a short nap in the car. )
for the first time in a very long time i felt like...i'm going to be ok. oh, i will still have my bad days. my grief is far from over. but today i felt like- it's going to be ok. i can do this. life is so different. but there are many ways to remember mom that are positive. oh, i have to cry still. i have to grieve. and i'm sure i will have really bad days still. but....this was a really good start to healing yet even more. healing is coming along...little by little.
i know it would probably seem crazy to say this....but i am going to anyway. i really felt mom around me all day today . i felt God's presence all around me today. and both were things i needed. mom will always be with me. and maybe, just maybe, i can help carry out her legacy a little more.
so ...there will be another 5k next year and i already have ideas rolling with it to improve it.
i don't know what tomorrow will bring. or other days this week. but today was a good one and i will give God all the glory for that! one day at a time....
Thursday, October 6, 2011
A cluttered house...cluttered mind.
In 2 days, my family will host a 5k in my mom's memory.
My house is cluttered. So is my mind. I'm hoping this will help clear my mind at least...since nothing can help the clutter in my home until the event passes. All along my apartment living room and dining room are boxes of tshirts, bananas, water, signs, and door prizes. It's really exciting, actually. And a little unreal. Also a little bit nervewracking. And running through my mind are many different thoughts and emotions.
This is my first time to host an event. I have run many races. Obviously, it's quite a passion of mine. When mom passed away, one of her friends started a scholarship fund in her name designated to go to a nursing student studying to be an oncology nurse. When we learned of this, I got this crazy idea to host a 5k to raise more funds for the scholarship. Why not combine my passions of running and fighting cancer and helping others?? And so one of my crazy, exhausting ideas began to unfold. This event is in no way about me. It is about my mom in some aspects. But it's more about actually doing something positive out of a really crappy situation of death and cancer.
It's also appropriate it go to a student studying to be an oncology nurse. When mom was first diagnosed in late 2006 and underwent her first surgery in 2007, nursing students (along with this friend of mom's who has started the scholarship, and was a nurse) came into mom's home and helped do a lot for her-dress her healing wounds, check her vitals, help administer things she needed. They provided a lot of medical supplies for her too. They helped her. And now, it's time (we) help give back.
Cancer is ugly. I watched it unfold in mom's life and take her away. I saw the devastating effects it has. I saw the pain it caused, the exhausting process of it all. I saw a true warrior have to give in to the sickness eventually because it had taken its toll. Working with cancer is not an easy occupation. I don't know this because it's my occupation. But I do know this from helping to take care of mom. I helped to feed her and dress her and be by her side through chemo treatments when cancer had taken its toll on her to hinder her abilities. I am happy to see the money we are raising go to someone who will be making that their life occupation.
There are times when I have been crippled by my grief. There have been times...and still are...when I am just an emotional basket case because of the ache it has left as a hole in my life not having my mom any more. But I am choosing to make this a positive aspect of grief. That's by no means a pat on the back for me. It's only by God that this event is unfolding as it is. He is really blessing it. I cn't wait to blog about it after the fact and share all that God did through it. It has been neat for me to see who has jumped on board to do this-some because they love running; some because they loved mom; some because they want to see money go to a good cause; and some because they love me. That has touched me deeply, as I have seen the different sides of this event. I have learned a lot about my relationships with others through it. I have also learned new things about myself yet again.
Sometimes I'm on auto pilot. Races are kind of second nature in some ways to me...I love doing them. So i guess I just kind of knew what needed to happen here. So sometimes this event has come together just because I've participated in so many that I didn't have to think deeply about it all.
There are some moments when I have had complete meltdowns and learned that only by His strength can I go on. It has dawned on me deeply that this event is in memory of mom. Not with mom there; not with mom cheering from the sidelines. But it's because mom is gone. I never would've started this before. I never even thought I was capable of doing such things. Like I said, I'm learning about myself through this. One big thing I am learning is that I can go on. I can be ok. I don't always feel that. But I suppose this event is helping me see that. I can still do things. Things I never would've done before. God promises in Romans 8:28 that all things work together for good for those who love Him. I've questioned my love for him at times because losing mom has been an awful experience. BUT in the process of questioning, I have actually learned to cry out stronger to Him and to lean on Him in new ways and just how much I do love Him. No one completely understands me....but He does. and so as I said, he promises that all things work together for good for those who love Him . I believe this event to be evidence of that. ALL things-even the pain of grief.
Some days I don't entirely believe that, because some days the grief hurts so badly that I can't even see through the tears. but then I see a rainbow in the sky. Or hear some ridiculous song sung. Or go for a refreshing run as the sun is rising among the fall leaves. I have decided not to suppress my grief. But to walk through it. It's a messy decision at times. But I hold onto that it'll work out for the good...eventually...and in some way. Because He promised me that. And like I said...I'm seeing that unfold through this event.
It's been one crazy week with all the details. But volunteers are lined up, we've raised over 2,000$ with money still coming in (surpassed my goal for doing this this first time), my older brother is back home for good now (so excited about that!), tshirts are ready, registrations have come in like I wouldn't have expected, and it's scheduled to be beautiful weather!
I sure do miss my mom. That's an understatement. But I think...though I won't know til Saturday....that this event won't be one of sadness while we remember her...but it'll be one of joy. Because mom was always giving back to others. always. She was so very humble. Part of me sees her rolling her eyes over an event taking place in her name...with her name all over tshirts and signs. But the other part of me knows that she would be pleased that there will be a lot of good to come out of this.
So...the house will be cluttered until the event is over....and my mind probably won't shut off until then, either. But...one day at a time...I keep plugging through the grief, the exhaustion, the good and the bad.
My house is cluttered. So is my mind. I'm hoping this will help clear my mind at least...since nothing can help the clutter in my home until the event passes. All along my apartment living room and dining room are boxes of tshirts, bananas, water, signs, and door prizes. It's really exciting, actually. And a little unreal. Also a little bit nervewracking. And running through my mind are many different thoughts and emotions.
This is my first time to host an event. I have run many races. Obviously, it's quite a passion of mine. When mom passed away, one of her friends started a scholarship fund in her name designated to go to a nursing student studying to be an oncology nurse. When we learned of this, I got this crazy idea to host a 5k to raise more funds for the scholarship. Why not combine my passions of running and fighting cancer and helping others?? And so one of my crazy, exhausting ideas began to unfold. This event is in no way about me. It is about my mom in some aspects. But it's more about actually doing something positive out of a really crappy situation of death and cancer.
It's also appropriate it go to a student studying to be an oncology nurse. When mom was first diagnosed in late 2006 and underwent her first surgery in 2007, nursing students (along with this friend of mom's who has started the scholarship, and was a nurse) came into mom's home and helped do a lot for her-dress her healing wounds, check her vitals, help administer things she needed. They provided a lot of medical supplies for her too. They helped her. And now, it's time (we) help give back.
Cancer is ugly. I watched it unfold in mom's life and take her away. I saw the devastating effects it has. I saw the pain it caused, the exhausting process of it all. I saw a true warrior have to give in to the sickness eventually because it had taken its toll. Working with cancer is not an easy occupation. I don't know this because it's my occupation. But I do know this from helping to take care of mom. I helped to feed her and dress her and be by her side through chemo treatments when cancer had taken its toll on her to hinder her abilities. I am happy to see the money we are raising go to someone who will be making that their life occupation.
There are times when I have been crippled by my grief. There have been times...and still are...when I am just an emotional basket case because of the ache it has left as a hole in my life not having my mom any more. But I am choosing to make this a positive aspect of grief. That's by no means a pat on the back for me. It's only by God that this event is unfolding as it is. He is really blessing it. I cn't wait to blog about it after the fact and share all that God did through it. It has been neat for me to see who has jumped on board to do this-some because they love running; some because they loved mom; some because they want to see money go to a good cause; and some because they love me. That has touched me deeply, as I have seen the different sides of this event. I have learned a lot about my relationships with others through it. I have also learned new things about myself yet again.
Sometimes I'm on auto pilot. Races are kind of second nature in some ways to me...I love doing them. So i guess I just kind of knew what needed to happen here. So sometimes this event has come together just because I've participated in so many that I didn't have to think deeply about it all.
There are some moments when I have had complete meltdowns and learned that only by His strength can I go on. It has dawned on me deeply that this event is in memory of mom. Not with mom there; not with mom cheering from the sidelines. But it's because mom is gone. I never would've started this before. I never even thought I was capable of doing such things. Like I said, I'm learning about myself through this. One big thing I am learning is that I can go on. I can be ok. I don't always feel that. But I suppose this event is helping me see that. I can still do things. Things I never would've done before. God promises in Romans 8:28 that all things work together for good for those who love Him. I've questioned my love for him at times because losing mom has been an awful experience. BUT in the process of questioning, I have actually learned to cry out stronger to Him and to lean on Him in new ways and just how much I do love Him. No one completely understands me....but He does. and so as I said, he promises that all things work together for good for those who love Him . I believe this event to be evidence of that. ALL things-even the pain of grief.
Some days I don't entirely believe that, because some days the grief hurts so badly that I can't even see through the tears. but then I see a rainbow in the sky. Or hear some ridiculous song sung. Or go for a refreshing run as the sun is rising among the fall leaves. I have decided not to suppress my grief. But to walk through it. It's a messy decision at times. But I hold onto that it'll work out for the good...eventually...and in some way. Because He promised me that. And like I said...I'm seeing that unfold through this event.
It's been one crazy week with all the details. But volunteers are lined up, we've raised over 2,000$ with money still coming in (surpassed my goal for doing this this first time), my older brother is back home for good now (so excited about that!), tshirts are ready, registrations have come in like I wouldn't have expected, and it's scheduled to be beautiful weather!
I sure do miss my mom. That's an understatement. But I think...though I won't know til Saturday....that this event won't be one of sadness while we remember her...but it'll be one of joy. Because mom was always giving back to others. always. She was so very humble. Part of me sees her rolling her eyes over an event taking place in her name...with her name all over tshirts and signs. But the other part of me knows that she would be pleased that there will be a lot of good to come out of this.
So...the house will be cluttered until the event is over....and my mind probably won't shut off until then, either. But...one day at a time...I keep plugging through the grief, the exhaustion, the good and the bad.
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