Last Saturday I finished the half marathon that I've blogged about in recent months. It was an amazing time for so many reasons. The last 6 months have been quite a journey, and even my running journey took a new turn in it. Each race I've ever run is a bit different in one way or another, with a different story to go with it for me. This time, this race meant so much to me.
First off, it was so wonderful to have 2 full days with my husband. Dad was gracious enough to keep the kids, and Michael and I really had a nice time. Seriously, I was like a kid in a candy store, and so many things made me giddy. It felt good to laugh. I mean, I really do laugh a lot at my job and have a good time there, but I don't laugh a lot outside of there. And it was so nice to have that feeling again. Race expos always bring that out in me.... I love watching all the different runners pass through. I love all the fun race gear you can buy. I love the goodies you get for free. I love the atmosphere. It was fun. It was also really nice to be away. Just in a different environment. That helps a lot, without even realizing it. Michael and I got to actually enjoy some quality time together, which was really precious.
Secondly, I love races. Period. I just love the excitement that comes with it. I love getting up early and being out first thing in the morning with 15,000 other people, all there doing the same thing. I love the weather. I love the music. I love talking with all the different people. If you don't know, runners are a breed of their own in some ways. When you are a runner, when you are out on the course, you can pick up a conversation with any given other runner and talk about anything. Literally. And if you were to meet that same person in a restaurant or in the elevator, a conversation would likely not happen. If you have ever experienced a race, you know what I am talking about. I mean, the die hard runners, they probably don't talk so much. They are focused. But those of us out there just to run, just for ourselves, It's an open book out on the course.
During the last 6 months, I kind of lost a bit of the passion in running. It became a way for me to try to bury myself away from grief instead of letting the running help me through my grief. Once I decided to let go of that and let it renew me when I was out on my runs, i really rediscovered my passion for it.I could talk about it forever. (clearly, if you are reading this blog, you can see that.) I am beginning to connive my coworkers into it now. I LOVE talking about running. I am by no means the best runner. But I am passionate about it, and I love it. And to me, that's all that matters.
I did not do the full marathon this time around. But I am ok with that. And I feel like my time this half marathon (2:44) was good, considering all that had gone on in life in the last 6 months. I have set some new goals for my running , but I'm not ready to post those just yet. I met a friend at the start line, and we ran the entire race together. I have never had that in all 3 years of running. It was really neat. And now we are great friends. It's rather fun what running has done for me.
The finish line was in a stadium. That was really motivating and really neat. As I ran that last quarter mile, I gave the race all I had. The guy I passed through the tunnel must've thought I was crazy as I sprinted by him, tears on my face, trying to breathe right while crying. It was an emotional finish for me. Because it was my first finish without my mom. Because it was a big step for me in continuing to move on in life. Because the last 6 months have not been easy, and this was another way to prove to myself that I will be ok. It was another step forward. I finished that race well, I feel.
It made me think about mom, of course. Mom finished her race well, too, here on earth. She gave it everything she had for as long as she could. She fought the good fight. She helped motivate me through this race,even though she wasn't here. Because if she could go through all she did with a positive attitude, so could I finish this race and feel good about it. I missed her with every step I took. But every step I took was another step forward.
In grief, it's funny, because sometimes I take 30 steps forward and before I know it, I'm going 40 backwards. But then I go 50 forwards....it's a messy journey. One I've never been on before. I'm learning as I go that no 2 people experience grief the same way. No 2 people have the same emotions. Not even 2 people grieving the same loss. I am an extremely emotional person anyway. This grief journey has catapulted it even more so. But you know what? Janet Paschal said "If you hang on with whatever it is you know in your heart to be true about Him, then He will come through. That's a promise." And I see that so often. Sometimes it's harder for me to recognize, other times it stands out. But He said, in Isaiah 41:10 "Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength, I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."
Some days, even when I don't feel it through the clouds of grief, I hold onto those words....and He always comes through.
Today was a good day for me. Tomorrow...who knows? Like I said...it's a messy journey sometimes. But God will hold me steady, one way or another. One day at a time.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Reflecting...
6 months ago today my life changed drastically when my mom passed away. It has changed my life in so many ways. I've been reflecting on that a lot lately. How it's changed me...how it is continuing to change me....what all I have learned in that time.
I've learned so much about life and death through the experience of losing mom. I know that a 6 month mark probably isn't as significant as what a year marker will be, but 6 months without my mom has been so hard. Experts say that the first year is the hardest....ask me in 5 years and I'll tell you if I agree or not. Because since i'm still in the first year, I can only say it is really awful. There are events or thoughts or places or things or sounds that remind me of mom every day.Sometimes those memories make me laugh. Sometimes they make me cry. In 6 months time, I've experienced my first mothers day without mom, my first birthday, and their anniversary....we haven't even hit the more common family holidays yet that I know will be tough. I've not had a day yet where I haven't wanted to share something with mom. 6 months without my mom has felt like a lifetime in some aspects. A lot of life has gone on...I've changed jobs, Elizabeth changed schools, Joseph lost his first tooth, I'm organizing a 5K....and yet I think sometimes of all the life that's yet to be lived. I have a lot of memories with mom-that's really an understatement. It's strange making new ones without her. It's unreal to be organizing an event in her memory.I miss her with every heartbeat. I'm not sure when that ache will go away. I try to explain it to others...I'm not sad for my mom. Her last weeks were really horrible. In fact, I was thinking about it today. The last 24 hours of mom's life were awful. I am so thankful that I got to be there with her. But I am thankful that I know that she rests in a better place. She was in no condition any more to be here. The sadness comes with figuring out a new normal. Figuring out who I call when I am sad or ecstatic or just need a friend. Figuring out child care. Figuring out how to be more of an adult, I guess. That sounds silly....i"ve been a mom myself for 9 years. But there's something about a mom that one can always possess that childlikeness. Now i'm the adult in new ways. I've had to grow up in new ways. It's not always so easy.
I've learned a lot about myself and about who I am through this. Mom was always really good about encouraging me and about telling me good things about myself and telling me to stop being so hard on me. She never told me fluff that wasn't true (like.."oh, you're the smartest one in the class"...or things that were overkill nice statements) she would tell me things like achieving my dreams were possible. And that I was a good mom . And that I was beautiful. Things I tend to be hard on myself with. Not having mom there to whisper those things when I need/want to hear them has been a new journey for me. And it's a journey that will continue. But I have full confidence that as I walk through each step of this process, I will continue to grow and to learn. And it's strange how even through her death, her life still speaks volumes to me.
Saturday I will run a half marathon. That has been a journey this time around, too. I won't PR at this race, and that's ok. I will finish it, though. And I will finish it well. that journey has been challenging, as I had set out to do a full this time around. As I came to a conclusion of not being ready, I learned new things about myself yet again. These 6 months of training....and grieving...have been exhausting. But I am ready to run with a new excitement on Saturday. I cannot wait!! Not having mom will be hard. In fact, dad is watching the kids so Michael and I can go to this alone. And I am sure there will be emotions that come along with this finish. But I am ready. And I cannot wait to cross that start line early Saturday morning. I have a renewed passion for it that comes with this particular race. And the full will come eventually.
In the last 6 months, I've changed jobs, and that has been a really positive thing for me. I have made new friends, and really, I laugh a lot at my job, which is fun. Changing jobs was also a growth process for me. Not because what I am doing is so different from what I did before, but more so because I left a comfort zone of where I'd been for so long. And that has brought me to new realizations of myself as well. Some of which I continue to be processing. I am thankful for the change.
So...6 months ago my life took a drastic change. I miss my mom as if it happened yesterday. And I know I still have a ways to go through the grief process.... but I'm learning....and that's part of what life is about.
I close with this verse that has been strong on my mind and heart this week. Whether it's because of my race or because I needed the boost of encouragement in this time of missing mom, it has been a good reminder for me.
Isaiah 40:31
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
so, tomorrow, and onto my race on Saturday, and each day that I will have to face a new first without mom, I will keep taking it one day at a time.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Journeying
Life is such a journey. Grief is no different. It, in and of itself, is a journey. But it's a part of life's journey and growth. A lot of people today have been reflecting on the journey of the last 10 years since 9/11 happened. Yes, I remember where I was. I was at my job, childcare at First Baptist Church of West hollywood. I was planning my wedding. In fact, my mom had just flown home the day before(9/10), as she had been in to help buy my dress and be there for a wedding shower. How thankful I am that she wasn't on a plane that day on 9/11. i remember having that thought quite vividly when those planes were crashing. I recalled that thought today, as I also reflected on life over the last 10 years.
It has been quite a journey, to say the least. I would have a very hard time putting even a scratch on the surface of events that I've had the privilege and sorrow to experience. I also thought something to myself today, as a word repeated over and over was "grief".
Back then, I had absolutely no idea what grief was. Sure, I felt saddened and so many other things. But Now, I can relate to that in such a new way. I also understand that each person's grief journey is a different experience. Their loved one was taken away in an instant. Some didn't even get the chance to bury theirs. My mom died over time. I watched it happen. I was there the moment she died, even. I had time to say goodbye and other things I wanted to say. I'm really not sure that there is a "better" experience in a loved one dying-fast and instantaneous opposed to slow and time to say things. Neither is a good one. In the time that mom was dying, I really learned the value of taking it one day at a time, hence the name in my blog. Some days I wondered, "will it be today?" and then I'd waste time worrying if that was the last time I'd be with mom. Eventually I learned there was absolutely no value in that. It wasted time, really. And I began to take it one day at a time and did my best to enjoy that time, painful as it was to watch mom deteriorate. Today the phrase "one day at a time" hit me in a new way. Because now I am learning one day at a time to let go a little more. And that is part of a very painful process. For a person who hasn't walked through grief, it really doesn't make much sense. Some tell me I should be over it. Some don't understand why I am still sad, knowing my mom is really in a better place. Some think I'm crazy for the ups an downs I have. And some still have absolutely no idea what it is like to love someone so deeply that life is dramatically changed once they are gone. I'm 29. Life as I have always know it is different now without my mom.
Yes, I was married 10 years ago, and left home. But mom was still mom and she was there for me for everything. It is so strange to not have her now. It's been nearly 6 months. It is still unreal some days. And then other days, it is so painfully obvious that I can do nothing but cry. The process of letting go does not happen overnight. It doesn't happen in 6 months, either.
Zig Ziglar said "If there were no love, there'd be no grief."
Mom loved me unlike any other person really can-a mother's love is different. And I know that for many reasons, but that quote stuck out to me. The deeper you love the person, the harder the grief is, I believe. My grief is really pretty private, as far as my tears and emotions go. But that is a funny statement, seeing as how I put it here for anyone to read.
My mom was so sick in the end. She wasn't able to eat or sit up or move on her own. I think I'm beginning to reach a point where i can recount some of those details more here in my blog. So you may catch some glimpses of what I actually experienced if you stay tuned into future posts.
I am not sad because I fear an unknown hope of where mom is. I have every confidence that mom rests in heaven, and is no longer sick and is laughing again, as she always did. She wouldn't want to come back here, and I wouldn't wish her back. My sadness is because I now have to find a new normal. I have to figure out life without mom around. I had her for 29 years as my support system. There is a lot of life ahead still. So that is a process I have to take one day at a time.
Another quote that's been given to me recently says..."Even though your heart is breaking and tears are clouding your eyes and staining your cheeks, God does give us something worth trusting in tough times. And that's Him. and Him alone." -Dr. Joseph Stowell.
and that is an aspect of life I also am embracing in a new way.
A year ago this weekend, I got my first tattoo. Mom was fighting hard, but hadn't yet taken a terrible turn. I got a tattoo of a running shoe with wings with the cancer ribbon in the center of it. The running symbolizes so much for me. The ribbon was for my mom. And the wings symbolized many things, one of which being God carrying me through difficult times. Today it's no different. It's just I'm learning to do it better one day at a time.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Think.Feel.Be.... and patience in the process
I was told the other day, when asked a question, that I think too much. My instant response was "I know." In that instance, I didn't have to think too much because I knew the statement was true. I then spent time thinking about him saying that to me....which is sort of prompting this blog. I think way too hard on things-whether it's a circumstance, or a person, or an event, or a problem or a response. I just sometimes over think about it. Thinking isn't bad, per say. I believe I'd rather think about my answer and give it accurately than to always say something and then later want to change my answer. I also think (ha-no pun intended on that statement) that I'd rather ponder my words than say everything that comes to my mind immediately. Honesty is good, but sometimes it is good for me not to say everything I am thinking. Sometimes, though, thinking can not always be good for me. Thinking can be exhausting and sometimes even keep me awake.
In the same way I think a lot, I also feel a lot. Feeling deeply is just who I am. sometimes this can be a bad quality. Sometimes it is a good one. I believe that feeling so deeply is what part of what makes my grief process so agonizing at times. I also believe that feeling so deeply is what makes me able to connect with people pretty well. I have always put all of myself into whatever I am doing-partly because of my over thinking and feeling so deeply. When I work, I put all of my efforts into my job. I don't do it half way. When I love, I love deeply-myabe not always in the best of ways, but I love with all of my being. When I mother, I do it full heartedly. When I run, I am passionate and put my all into each step I take. It's just who I am. It's why I had to decide not to do the full marathon this time around-because I don't want to do it half way. Feeling deeply is also what made it such a tough decision. It's one reason I love my job. I put my all into it and I see the rewards. Because I feel so deeply and think through things, it's why grief is exhausting for me. Each day and each step I take to move through the grief process in order to be healthier, it does move me through a lot of memories and emotions, which is exhausting. But it's also why I believe the 5K will be successful (as it is really shaping up)-because I put my all into it.
I realize this blog is a bit disjointed. I'm just saying this: I do think pretty hard. I also feel pretty deep. It's also who I am. I'm not philosophical really-just pensive. I'm not crazy-just emotional. It's who I am. And that's ok. I think. I feel. I am.... but I also have to have patient in the process.
sometimes the deeper I feel, the more I want it to be over-like grief. Walking through this first year of not having mom is pretty awful. Learning to live life without my mom around is a really hard adjustment. She was my best friend, as much as my mom. But I cannot force the process to be over. I just have to walk through it. It's not going to happen in my time-if that were the case, it'd be over. I have to be patience-it's not always on my time frame. Mom's death wasn't in my time frame-it wouldn't even be reality if I had my choice. But it's not always in my time frame that things happen. But as thing happen, it shapes me into me more and more. Moving to Ohio wouldn't have ever happened if I'd had my choice. But then if I'd never moved to Ohio, I wouldn't have been here for mom in the last years...and that's something I never want to change. Patience is a virtue is a quote that is often repeated by people . I used to think I was a patient person. I'd like to say I still am. But I think it's something that I have a lot of room to grow. Being patient is hard. I often want things done now. Like...not being sad anymore over mom's death; like owning a home and not being in an apartment; like losing weight that's been put back on; like being able to run a full marathon. But I have to have patience in the process of these things coming into reality. It takes time. Grief takes time; finding a home takes time; losing weight takes time; running a full marathon takes time. Nothing (well, mostly nothing) takes place overnight. And in the process, I grow.
So....I must continue being patient and taking life as it comes one day at a time.
In the same way I think a lot, I also feel a lot. Feeling deeply is just who I am. sometimes this can be a bad quality. Sometimes it is a good one. I believe that feeling so deeply is what part of what makes my grief process so agonizing at times. I also believe that feeling so deeply is what makes me able to connect with people pretty well. I have always put all of myself into whatever I am doing-partly because of my over thinking and feeling so deeply. When I work, I put all of my efforts into my job. I don't do it half way. When I love, I love deeply-myabe not always in the best of ways, but I love with all of my being. When I mother, I do it full heartedly. When I run, I am passionate and put my all into each step I take. It's just who I am. It's why I had to decide not to do the full marathon this time around-because I don't want to do it half way. Feeling deeply is also what made it such a tough decision. It's one reason I love my job. I put my all into it and I see the rewards. Because I feel so deeply and think through things, it's why grief is exhausting for me. Each day and each step I take to move through the grief process in order to be healthier, it does move me through a lot of memories and emotions, which is exhausting. But it's also why I believe the 5K will be successful (as it is really shaping up)-because I put my all into it.
I realize this blog is a bit disjointed. I'm just saying this: I do think pretty hard. I also feel pretty deep. It's also who I am. I'm not philosophical really-just pensive. I'm not crazy-just emotional. It's who I am. And that's ok. I think. I feel. I am.... but I also have to have patient in the process.
sometimes the deeper I feel, the more I want it to be over-like grief. Walking through this first year of not having mom is pretty awful. Learning to live life without my mom around is a really hard adjustment. She was my best friend, as much as my mom. But I cannot force the process to be over. I just have to walk through it. It's not going to happen in my time-if that were the case, it'd be over. I have to be patience-it's not always on my time frame. Mom's death wasn't in my time frame-it wouldn't even be reality if I had my choice. But it's not always in my time frame that things happen. But as thing happen, it shapes me into me more and more. Moving to Ohio wouldn't have ever happened if I'd had my choice. But then if I'd never moved to Ohio, I wouldn't have been here for mom in the last years...and that's something I never want to change. Patience is a virtue is a quote that is often repeated by people . I used to think I was a patient person. I'd like to say I still am. But I think it's something that I have a lot of room to grow. Being patient is hard. I often want things done now. Like...not being sad anymore over mom's death; like owning a home and not being in an apartment; like losing weight that's been put back on; like being able to run a full marathon. But I have to have patience in the process of these things coming into reality. It takes time. Grief takes time; finding a home takes time; losing weight takes time; running a full marathon takes time. Nothing (well, mostly nothing) takes place overnight. And in the process, I grow.
So....I must continue being patient and taking life as it comes one day at a time.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The one i've been putting off...
I have had this blog in my mind for days. But I've really been procrastinating posting it. It's somewhat of a raw one, with raw emotions. And sometimes it's hard for me to write these things because, well, sharing to the depths of the heart is revealing and can be scary. But why stop now? So, let me tell you what I've been putting off.
I have decided not to run the full marathon in September. I have decided to knock down to the half. It has been an agonizing decision for me. I wanted the full so badly. For so many reasons. It was to prove things to myself. To prove things to others. It was like carrying out a conversation with my mom still, since it originated with her. So, the decision has not been an easy one for me. It's made me feel quite humbled for saying to everyone....don't tell me I can't....and statements of the such. The entire process has been one of growth and learning.
Last Saturday I went out and "ran" 15 miles. I'd been having some nagging doubts about it, but I set out pretty determined. By mile 12 I was in tears. Not because of pain...to be quite honest my muscles were really not bad. But it was because I knew what my decision needed to be. I'd never make the 6 hour cutoff time that this marathon has. Based on my times that day, I knew it. So i cried. Really I wept. Seems silly probably to you. But it is hard to give up a goal, even if the decision is made in wisdom. I shouldn't say "give up" the goal. To be honest, I was mad. I didn't want to quit on this goal. But I was reminded that I"m not quitting it...I'm postponing it. I'll set out to do one in the spring. I still want to do one. I just really wanted this one because it's what mom and I talked about together in her last months. But I've been humbled and have to admit that it's just not going to happen. I"m tired. My body is tired. I've faced a lot of exhausting events in 6 months time. So, my body is telling me to wait. And slowly, I'm beginning to accept that. I will still do the half. And I am hoping by that time, I will be in full acceptance of this, and really enjoy the race. Enjoy the moments I have with Michael in those couple days. I'll keep telling you about it. It's hard to admit this. I think there will be some who say "I told you so." Or some who make comments such as..."well, you could still...why are you giving up?" And I'll just have to take the comments with humility. (Easier said than done.) I want to finish well. Not just finish. Sometimes the goal is just to finish. But in this case, I want to do it well. So I'll keep training. I was also reminded through this last week and this decision, that maybe I lost sight of the real prize...and what i'm really trying to attain...which is in my heavenly destination as Paul talks of in several different passages of scripture. Goal are fine and good even, but when they becoming consuming, well, it's not a God-driven goal. So one step at a time, I accept this. I am humbled. And so in a sense, starting over in some ways. Remembering what my goal is and working towards that...both heavenly and here on earth. And that my goal is not just to finish in this life , but to finish well. I want to hear Him say to me one day, "well done." Right now, I'm not there. And that's raw honesty.
LIfe is like that...the process of working through grief is like that. It's a cycle . Reminders. Training. Learning. Growing. Feeling pain. Feeling humbled. My running journey often parallels my life journey. At the same time I learn a new aspect of training in distance, I'm usually learning spiritually. And when I am knocked down physically and taken down a notch in my marathon journey, typically God is teaching me something spiritually. it's crazy how they really go hand in hand for me. I wanted to quit for a little while-I won't lie. But i know what running does for me, and that would be crazy. It was the discouragement speaking. Happens that way for me in other ways. They just kind of parallel each other. And I'm sure that God didn't do that by mistake.
Grief hits at strange times and in strange ways. In some ways , for me, letting go of this particular marathon, is letting go of my mom a little more. I don't think that anyone really understands that, but it's how it is for me. I'm still accepting that. Oh, I know mom is better off. And I know that I wouldn't wish her back here because she is perfect and not sick in heaven. And I was ready to say goodbye as much as I possibly could. But when I say letting go, I mean learning to live without her. She is always a part of me. But well, just letting go of this race at that distance is letting go a little more. And accepting a little more. Please don't tell me to move on. Or let go. Or be done with my grief. It takes time. And this is another step for me. I've shared that I have been diagnosed with depression. Well, people with depression often feel to deeper level and take more time to process through things like grief. I just thought I'd share that with those who don't know that. For those who think I cry too much or feel too much. It just is who I am. And I am ok with that. Oh, I hate it sometimes. It's my "thorn" . But one day, I think somehow it will be used. And someday maybe I won't have to take medication for depression. And if not, I'll just have to keep accepting my "thorn".
I often work through things through music as much as through my running. I love music. Steven Curtis Chapman has some really amazing songs that have touched me deeply through this whole process. I read a book by his wife while my mom was in her last months. It was called Choosing to SEE . Anyway, they lost a daughter suddenly when she was run over by a car. This book touched me, as I could really relate to some of the things she shared. And Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a CD from this time in their life, titled Beauty Will Rise. I am closing this blog by sharing one of the many songs on that CD that I have played over and over and over. I hope the words strike you, too. I am continuing on, even in my running, one day at a time.....
FAITHFUL
I am broken, I am bleeding, I am scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful. Yes, YOu are faithful
I am weary , unbelieving,
God help my unbelief.
You are faithful
I will proclaim it to the world, I will declare it to my heart
I"ll sing it when the sun is shining
I'll scream it in the dark.
YOu are faithful. You are faithful.
When you give and when you take away
Even then still your name is faithful.
You are faithful
And with everything inside of me
I am choosing to believe You are faithful.
I am waiting for the rescue I know is sure to come
cuz You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in your promises and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
Though I cannot have the answer I am wanting to demand,
I'll remember you are God and everything is in your hand.
In your hands You hold the sun and moon, the stars up in the sky
For the sake of love, You hung your own son on the cross...to die.
YOu are faithful, yes, You are faithful
When you give and when you take away,
Even then, great is your faithfulness! Great is your faithfulness!
And with everything inside of me...I am choosing to believe...You are faithful.
I have decided not to run the full marathon in September. I have decided to knock down to the half. It has been an agonizing decision for me. I wanted the full so badly. For so many reasons. It was to prove things to myself. To prove things to others. It was like carrying out a conversation with my mom still, since it originated with her. So, the decision has not been an easy one for me. It's made me feel quite humbled for saying to everyone....don't tell me I can't....and statements of the such. The entire process has been one of growth and learning.
Last Saturday I went out and "ran" 15 miles. I'd been having some nagging doubts about it, but I set out pretty determined. By mile 12 I was in tears. Not because of pain...to be quite honest my muscles were really not bad. But it was because I knew what my decision needed to be. I'd never make the 6 hour cutoff time that this marathon has. Based on my times that day, I knew it. So i cried. Really I wept. Seems silly probably to you. But it is hard to give up a goal, even if the decision is made in wisdom. I shouldn't say "give up" the goal. To be honest, I was mad. I didn't want to quit on this goal. But I was reminded that I"m not quitting it...I'm postponing it. I'll set out to do one in the spring. I still want to do one. I just really wanted this one because it's what mom and I talked about together in her last months. But I've been humbled and have to admit that it's just not going to happen. I"m tired. My body is tired. I've faced a lot of exhausting events in 6 months time. So, my body is telling me to wait. And slowly, I'm beginning to accept that. I will still do the half. And I am hoping by that time, I will be in full acceptance of this, and really enjoy the race. Enjoy the moments I have with Michael in those couple days. I'll keep telling you about it. It's hard to admit this. I think there will be some who say "I told you so." Or some who make comments such as..."well, you could still...why are you giving up?" And I'll just have to take the comments with humility. (Easier said than done.) I want to finish well. Not just finish. Sometimes the goal is just to finish. But in this case, I want to do it well. So I'll keep training. I was also reminded through this last week and this decision, that maybe I lost sight of the real prize...and what i'm really trying to attain...which is in my heavenly destination as Paul talks of in several different passages of scripture. Goal are fine and good even, but when they becoming consuming, well, it's not a God-driven goal. So one step at a time, I accept this. I am humbled. And so in a sense, starting over in some ways. Remembering what my goal is and working towards that...both heavenly and here on earth. And that my goal is not just to finish in this life , but to finish well. I want to hear Him say to me one day, "well done." Right now, I'm not there. And that's raw honesty.
LIfe is like that...the process of working through grief is like that. It's a cycle . Reminders. Training. Learning. Growing. Feeling pain. Feeling humbled. My running journey often parallels my life journey. At the same time I learn a new aspect of training in distance, I'm usually learning spiritually. And when I am knocked down physically and taken down a notch in my marathon journey, typically God is teaching me something spiritually. it's crazy how they really go hand in hand for me. I wanted to quit for a little while-I won't lie. But i know what running does for me, and that would be crazy. It was the discouragement speaking. Happens that way for me in other ways. They just kind of parallel each other. And I'm sure that God didn't do that by mistake.
Grief hits at strange times and in strange ways. In some ways , for me, letting go of this particular marathon, is letting go of my mom a little more. I don't think that anyone really understands that, but it's how it is for me. I'm still accepting that. Oh, I know mom is better off. And I know that I wouldn't wish her back here because she is perfect and not sick in heaven. And I was ready to say goodbye as much as I possibly could. But when I say letting go, I mean learning to live without her. She is always a part of me. But well, just letting go of this race at that distance is letting go a little more. And accepting a little more. Please don't tell me to move on. Or let go. Or be done with my grief. It takes time. And this is another step for me. I've shared that I have been diagnosed with depression. Well, people with depression often feel to deeper level and take more time to process through things like grief. I just thought I'd share that with those who don't know that. For those who think I cry too much or feel too much. It just is who I am. And I am ok with that. Oh, I hate it sometimes. It's my "thorn" . But one day, I think somehow it will be used. And someday maybe I won't have to take medication for depression. And if not, I'll just have to keep accepting my "thorn".
I often work through things through music as much as through my running. I love music. Steven Curtis Chapman has some really amazing songs that have touched me deeply through this whole process. I read a book by his wife while my mom was in her last months. It was called Choosing to SEE . Anyway, they lost a daughter suddenly when she was run over by a car. This book touched me, as I could really relate to some of the things she shared. And Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a CD from this time in their life, titled Beauty Will Rise. I am closing this blog by sharing one of the many songs on that CD that I have played over and over and over. I hope the words strike you, too. I am continuing on, even in my running, one day at a time.....
FAITHFUL
I am broken, I am bleeding, I am scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful. Yes, YOu are faithful
I am weary , unbelieving,
God help my unbelief.
You are faithful
I will proclaim it to the world, I will declare it to my heart
I"ll sing it when the sun is shining
I'll scream it in the dark.
YOu are faithful. You are faithful.
When you give and when you take away
Even then still your name is faithful.
You are faithful
And with everything inside of me
I am choosing to believe You are faithful.
I am waiting for the rescue I know is sure to come
cuz You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in your promises and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
Though I cannot have the answer I am wanting to demand,
I'll remember you are God and everything is in your hand.
In your hands You hold the sun and moon, the stars up in the sky
For the sake of love, You hung your own son on the cross...to die.
YOu are faithful, yes, You are faithful
When you give and when you take away,
Even then, great is your faithfulness! Great is your faithfulness!
And with everything inside of me...I am choosing to believe...You are faithful.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
40 years
Today would be mom and dad's 40 year anniversary. Cancer took that from them. But I'm still celebrating 40 years. Today is not a day that I feel the sadness so much (like my birthday or specific holidays), but I feel the sadness for my dad, because even if he doesn't say it, I'm sure this day is a hard one for him to get through.
40 years!! Wow! what an accomplishment! And my mom loved dad, and dad loved mom unendlessly. They set a beautiful example for me. Mom's parents were married 72 years before my grandpa passed away. I can't remember how many dad's parents were married, but I know it was at least 60 before his dad passed away. I saw a lot of good marriages. And now that I'm married, I realize just how good those marriages were because of all the hard times they made it through. I think growing up, I had a beautiful example of marriage ,that I really had no idea how much work and how hard it would be as I entered into it at the age of 19. But I'll come back to that.
Mom taught me how to love. Literally. She taught me what it meant to love someone when you don't want to. She taught me to love the unlovable. i watched her love my dad every day. sometimes in the simple ways. Sometimes in larger ways. I watched her also love people who no one else would spend time with. She was amazing in that way. Growing up of course, mom never really talked about problems her and dad were having, which is the way it should be, me being her child. As I got older, and I'd sometimes share a frustratation, then she would tell me about how to get through it. I never saw her and dad really fight. They had their frustrations, but they also had great communication and work through things together. This was evident-their working as a team. Dad provided in amazing ways, allowing mom to fulfill her dream of being a stay at home mom her whole life. In mom's later days, I watched dad take care of her in new ways. Mom had always been the caretaker. It was her "job", even when she was sick, to take care of everyone else. She always did, too, no matter what. But when mom took a bad turn, I watched dad in new ways love mom. He would lift her, shift her, feed her, walk behind her, give her her meds, make decisions with the doctors and nurses-it was a new role for him, but he did it well. When mom died, dad was the one at her side. (We were in the kitchen-it was dad's turn in the room with her.)That was appropriate. At mom's funeral, the pastor said that Roger and Linda were like one word. You always said it together..."where's roger and linda?" or statements of the such. yes, they had their separate interests, but they were one as a couple should be. It was a beautiful picture of marriage.
I realize that times have changed a lot since 40 years ago when mom and dad were married. Today the economy is really tough so that many couples are "forced" to be both working. That would describe us. Also, marriage statistics are crazy these days and very few people last 40 years like mom and dad did. And thus, we have to work even harder at our relationship. I do not blog about my marriage much. But when mom died, I thought so much about my marriage, and what would be said of me as a wife if I passed away today or thoughts like that. Mom set such an example of how to love, of how to laugh, and really how to live....even how to die, as a wife and a mom and the lady of the house. I pondered that and thought on what i wanted to change. MIchael and I are going to celebrate 10 years in December. And as mom passed away, and as today it would be 40 years, I have thought a lot about our marriage. I miss having mom to talk to about things. But I remember her example. The times are different, as I said, so responses are different and well...our marriage is different than theirs. But mom could always laugh at dad's silly statements ...I don't always do this too well; I often take things way too seriously. There is a balance, but laughing is definitely something I want to do more. Mom and dad made it through some very tough times together. Michael and I have faced some pretty enormous difficult circumstance in 4 years-it's different for every marriage, but we've made it though some tough moments and we are stronger for it today. He is my best friend, my support. But it takes work for that to be the case sometimes. Mom showed me how worth it sticking out the hard times were. And now I see it myself. I have God ultimately to thank-He gets all the credit for getting us through things like a move, several job changes, financial crisis, emotional crisis, changes all over the place.... But I'd be remiss to not mention mom. Not only did mom set the example for me, she also was there for me to encourage me through those difficult times.
Anyway, today is 40 years for mom and dad. I am so thankful for the beautiful years they had together. I am thankful for the example they set. I am thankful for mom teaching me to love like she loved. She loved with all she had...literally one of the reasons I believe she held on for so long was because she worried about dad after her being gone. She did all the cooking and shopping and cleaning...and she didn't want to leave dad. But we know one day they will be reunited. She was a definition of love in so many ways.So-
HAPPY 40 YEARS, MOM AND DAD!!!!
40 years!! Wow! what an accomplishment! And my mom loved dad, and dad loved mom unendlessly. They set a beautiful example for me. Mom's parents were married 72 years before my grandpa passed away. I can't remember how many dad's parents were married, but I know it was at least 60 before his dad passed away. I saw a lot of good marriages. And now that I'm married, I realize just how good those marriages were because of all the hard times they made it through. I think growing up, I had a beautiful example of marriage ,that I really had no idea how much work and how hard it would be as I entered into it at the age of 19. But I'll come back to that.
Mom taught me how to love. Literally. She taught me what it meant to love someone when you don't want to. She taught me to love the unlovable. i watched her love my dad every day. sometimes in the simple ways. Sometimes in larger ways. I watched her also love people who no one else would spend time with. She was amazing in that way. Growing up of course, mom never really talked about problems her and dad were having, which is the way it should be, me being her child. As I got older, and I'd sometimes share a frustratation, then she would tell me about how to get through it. I never saw her and dad really fight. They had their frustrations, but they also had great communication and work through things together. This was evident-their working as a team. Dad provided in amazing ways, allowing mom to fulfill her dream of being a stay at home mom her whole life. In mom's later days, I watched dad take care of her in new ways. Mom had always been the caretaker. It was her "job", even when she was sick, to take care of everyone else. She always did, too, no matter what. But when mom took a bad turn, I watched dad in new ways love mom. He would lift her, shift her, feed her, walk behind her, give her her meds, make decisions with the doctors and nurses-it was a new role for him, but he did it well. When mom died, dad was the one at her side. (We were in the kitchen-it was dad's turn in the room with her.)That was appropriate. At mom's funeral, the pastor said that Roger and Linda were like one word. You always said it together..."where's roger and linda?" or statements of the such. yes, they had their separate interests, but they were one as a couple should be. It was a beautiful picture of marriage.
I realize that times have changed a lot since 40 years ago when mom and dad were married. Today the economy is really tough so that many couples are "forced" to be both working. That would describe us. Also, marriage statistics are crazy these days and very few people last 40 years like mom and dad did. And thus, we have to work even harder at our relationship. I do not blog about my marriage much. But when mom died, I thought so much about my marriage, and what would be said of me as a wife if I passed away today or thoughts like that. Mom set such an example of how to love, of how to laugh, and really how to live....even how to die, as a wife and a mom and the lady of the house. I pondered that and thought on what i wanted to change. MIchael and I are going to celebrate 10 years in December. And as mom passed away, and as today it would be 40 years, I have thought a lot about our marriage. I miss having mom to talk to about things. But I remember her example. The times are different, as I said, so responses are different and well...our marriage is different than theirs. But mom could always laugh at dad's silly statements ...I don't always do this too well; I often take things way too seriously. There is a balance, but laughing is definitely something I want to do more. Mom and dad made it through some very tough times together. Michael and I have faced some pretty enormous difficult circumstance in 4 years-it's different for every marriage, but we've made it though some tough moments and we are stronger for it today. He is my best friend, my support. But it takes work for that to be the case sometimes. Mom showed me how worth it sticking out the hard times were. And now I see it myself. I have God ultimately to thank-He gets all the credit for getting us through things like a move, several job changes, financial crisis, emotional crisis, changes all over the place.... But I'd be remiss to not mention mom. Not only did mom set the example for me, she also was there for me to encourage me through those difficult times.
Anyway, today is 40 years for mom and dad. I am so thankful for the beautiful years they had together. I am thankful for the example they set. I am thankful for mom teaching me to love like she loved. She loved with all she had...literally one of the reasons I believe she held on for so long was because she worried about dad after her being gone. She did all the cooking and shopping and cleaning...and she didn't want to leave dad. But we know one day they will be reunited. She was a definition of love in so many ways.So-
HAPPY 40 YEARS, MOM AND DAD!!!!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Pressing On
Paul said in Philippians 3:12-14 "Not that I have already attained or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended;but one thing i do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call o fGod in Christ Jesus."
On an earthly level, I will tell you that pressing on was very hard for me today. I hit the alarm at 5:30 on a Saturday morning so I could go out and train on a long run. I sighed, but knew I would be glad at the end of the day (which I very much am, but I'll come back to that.) today I'd scheduled myself for a 14 mile run. My race is in about 6 weeks. LIke I've said in the past, I do not follow typical training methods. My life just doesn't totally allow for it. But I'm doing my best to make it work, determined to keep pressing on and finishing a full marathon-for me, for my mom, and for many other reasons. Anyhow, back to my run. I was very energized the first 7 miles. In fact, I felt great. I kept my normal pace, and was feeling like I could totally do this! I did a small walking stint at 10 miles. At about 12 I hit a terrible wall. I wanted to quit. I was doubting myself with every step of not only finishing today's run out, but a full marathon! I kept asking myself "what was I thinking??" I was never so glad to see my car at the end of the bike path. I felt tired and I felt queasy. I'd hydrated the entire run, so I really didn't think that was my issue. I took some sips of gatorade, stretched out well and went home. Not long after I got home, that gatorade didn't stay down. I wasn't going to sit and admit this, but I decideed to. My brother tells me it's just a matter of me pushing my body to new limits and I will feel much better next time. We'll see. I wanted so badly to quit. I wanted so badly to say I'll never be able to finish a full. But then my determination kicked in. I reminded myself why I'm doing this full marathon. And if I've come through all the yuckiness that I have in the last year, then I most certainly can finish. And guess what....it's 10:15 pm, I haven't crashed back asleep yet, and I feel fine. I feel ready to go out for my next long run (in a week of course!) But I will not be giving up. Press on is a phrase that sticks in my mind. It is so very hard to press on some moments.
On a different level of things, pressing on for me toward my ultimate goal has gotten lost some days. I've been reminded why pressing on is such a neat thing. and such an important thing. I have been reflecting on the last year a lot lately. Press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call......what is my upward call? sometimes you have to distance yourself from something in order to see it clearly. I mean you have to step back and try to look through a different lens. Back in October I'd actually been trying to find a new job. I actually went through interviewing process at one particular place. I was bummed when it didn't work out. But you know what? i am so glad now that it didn't. That next month mom got really bad and I would not have been able to really be with her as I was able to if I'd been at a new job. Plus, I kept pressing on through some hard times at the job I had and God has rewarded that by giving me such an amazing job at this point! It's making such a huge difference in my life. Mom pressed on til her very last day. And I have no doubt that she is seeing her rewards now. Paul also said forgetting the things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. that is also sometimes hard to do. We are human. We don't ever really forget. But sometimes those things hinder us. And even if we can never actually forget, we are supposed to move on. Press On. Move forward. I'm trying. And God is doing it slowly in me, one day at a time. And on those days that I want to give up the towel and just go back to bed, I remember those days that are actually behind me, and I remember all He's brought me through and it helps me to press on. He's carried me a long way. He'll continue to.
Pressing on....
I am organizing a 5k in mom's name. Cedarville University had a small scholarship started in mom's name, designated to go to a student studying to be a nurse in oncology. On October 8th, I will be hosting a 5K in her name to raise more funds for that scholarship. I am excited about this. It helps me through my grief process, helps me move on a little bit, while still keeping mom's memory very much alive. It's a large endeavor, but I am very excited about it.
We'll be approaching some more "firsts" this month. Tomorrow will be my daughter's 9th birthday. Mom will be missed. Then there will be mom and dad's anniversary coming up. There is always a first to walk through in this first year. And while it is so hard to figure out things and get through each of those moments, God is my strength, and He is helping me to press on.
I believe that at my marathon, I will have a phrase written on my arm or somewhere that says press on. So when i hit these walls, I'll remember all I've come through and so I can keep going.
So I'm not giving up on my training. Quite contrary-I'll be training just as hard!
In the meantime, when it comes to training, working through life without mom, marriage, being a mom , and the many other things, I will keep taking it all one day at a time.
On an earthly level, I will tell you that pressing on was very hard for me today. I hit the alarm at 5:30 on a Saturday morning so I could go out and train on a long run. I sighed, but knew I would be glad at the end of the day (which I very much am, but I'll come back to that.) today I'd scheduled myself for a 14 mile run. My race is in about 6 weeks. LIke I've said in the past, I do not follow typical training methods. My life just doesn't totally allow for it. But I'm doing my best to make it work, determined to keep pressing on and finishing a full marathon-for me, for my mom, and for many other reasons. Anyhow, back to my run. I was very energized the first 7 miles. In fact, I felt great. I kept my normal pace, and was feeling like I could totally do this! I did a small walking stint at 10 miles. At about 12 I hit a terrible wall. I wanted to quit. I was doubting myself with every step of not only finishing today's run out, but a full marathon! I kept asking myself "what was I thinking??" I was never so glad to see my car at the end of the bike path. I felt tired and I felt queasy. I'd hydrated the entire run, so I really didn't think that was my issue. I took some sips of gatorade, stretched out well and went home. Not long after I got home, that gatorade didn't stay down. I wasn't going to sit and admit this, but I decideed to. My brother tells me it's just a matter of me pushing my body to new limits and I will feel much better next time. We'll see. I wanted so badly to quit. I wanted so badly to say I'll never be able to finish a full. But then my determination kicked in. I reminded myself why I'm doing this full marathon. And if I've come through all the yuckiness that I have in the last year, then I most certainly can finish. And guess what....it's 10:15 pm, I haven't crashed back asleep yet, and I feel fine. I feel ready to go out for my next long run (in a week of course!) But I will not be giving up. Press on is a phrase that sticks in my mind. It is so very hard to press on some moments.
On a different level of things, pressing on for me toward my ultimate goal has gotten lost some days. I've been reminded why pressing on is such a neat thing. and such an important thing. I have been reflecting on the last year a lot lately. Press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call......what is my upward call? sometimes you have to distance yourself from something in order to see it clearly. I mean you have to step back and try to look through a different lens. Back in October I'd actually been trying to find a new job. I actually went through interviewing process at one particular place. I was bummed when it didn't work out. But you know what? i am so glad now that it didn't. That next month mom got really bad and I would not have been able to really be with her as I was able to if I'd been at a new job. Plus, I kept pressing on through some hard times at the job I had and God has rewarded that by giving me such an amazing job at this point! It's making such a huge difference in my life. Mom pressed on til her very last day. And I have no doubt that she is seeing her rewards now. Paul also said forgetting the things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. that is also sometimes hard to do. We are human. We don't ever really forget. But sometimes those things hinder us. And even if we can never actually forget, we are supposed to move on. Press On. Move forward. I'm trying. And God is doing it slowly in me, one day at a time. And on those days that I want to give up the towel and just go back to bed, I remember those days that are actually behind me, and I remember all He's brought me through and it helps me to press on. He's carried me a long way. He'll continue to.
Pressing on....
I am organizing a 5k in mom's name. Cedarville University had a small scholarship started in mom's name, designated to go to a student studying to be a nurse in oncology. On October 8th, I will be hosting a 5K in her name to raise more funds for that scholarship. I am excited about this. It helps me through my grief process, helps me move on a little bit, while still keeping mom's memory very much alive. It's a large endeavor, but I am very excited about it.
We'll be approaching some more "firsts" this month. Tomorrow will be my daughter's 9th birthday. Mom will be missed. Then there will be mom and dad's anniversary coming up. There is always a first to walk through in this first year. And while it is so hard to figure out things and get through each of those moments, God is my strength, and He is helping me to press on.
I believe that at my marathon, I will have a phrase written on my arm or somewhere that says press on. So when i hit these walls, I'll remember all I've come through and so I can keep going.
So I'm not giving up on my training. Quite contrary-I'll be training just as hard!
In the meantime, when it comes to training, working through life without mom, marriage, being a mom , and the many other things, I will keep taking it all one day at a time.
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