One Decade Later

 The day was March 20, 2011. Ten years ago. One whole decade. The day I said goodbye to my mom on this earth forever. 

 This blog began as an outlet for me in the journey of grief when I did not have many around me to share the grief with because so few had experienced losing their mom or even someone close to them.  I was able to share my stories, my memories, my tears, my hurts, my fears and the process of what walking through grief meant after losing my mom. At times it has been very difficult to put into words the emotions along this journey, but sharing it, regardless of who was reading, helped me to process and continue moving forward in life, while holding on to the memory of my mom and keeping her alive in my heart. 

 In ten years so much life has happened that I wish I could have shared with her- both sad events and joyous ones; milestones as a parent; heartbreak as a wife; sadness as a little girl that I will always be to my mom; happiness in reaching milestones as a woman. Even though my mom has not physically been here, I carry her with me in each moment, and that will never change. The lessons mom taught me in life and, oddly enough, the lessons her life has taught me through her passing away, have propelled me forward many times when I could have easily, and at times wanted to, give up. But my mom was a fighter in the most positive way and when I think over these ten years, because of the spirit she had in her short time here, I also have continued to fight through the journey of life and reach for the positivity in each moment to the best of my ability. 

In ten years I have watched my kids grow up, my daughter graduate and go off to college and my son get his license. I have suffered through heartbreak and divorce without the woman I most admired by my side, which at times was so lonely and I wish she could have been there just to sit with me. I have celebrated victories over promotions and leadership skills gained I never would have imagined as a little girl. In mom's memory we have raised over $20,000 in scholarship funds for students studying to be oncology nurses. I have begun my journey towards my bachelor's degree and pursuing my passion of doing work with Latin American countries. I have opened a non-profit to benefit women in Colombia. 

 I do not sit here and share that to toot my own horn. I simply am reminiscing that so much life has happened in the midst of mom being gone. It is the reality that when one passes away, while life takes a huge shift, it continues going on. These are moments I wish every second she could have been here with me for them. And yet her memory stays alive every day, and I think about her legacy and so, while she isn't here, her words and her mom-like ways comfort me still. No one ever imagines losing someone close to them, be it a parent, a spouse, a child or a sibling. Somehow we all live with this hope of never having to say goodbye on this earth to those beloved people. Yet somehow, at some point, we all face it. Even in the last year as I have watched two friends have to say goodbye to their spouse, I have remembered what I've learned through the process of grief and ten years later, I continue to learn.

They say when someone close to us dies, the grief never goes away, it just reshapes itself. I find that to be true. I often will laugh about a memory of mom or recount stories of her life to close friends, but when hard times hit me, the first person I wish I could call is my mom, and that grief seems to never leave. Grief is a very strange emotion, going in stages and at times repeating those stages. I think about my mom every day still, but I am incredibly grateful for all the wonderful moments I did have with her during her 62 years. We laughed so hard we cried, we played games into the midnight hours, we read stories, we sang songs, we acted ridiculous at times, but we had so much fun. At times I believe that when I lost my mom, I lost a piece of myself. I lost a slight ability to laugh the same way and be silly no matter who was watching and embrace every moment of life, such as she did. 

 But ten years later, I am relearning to do that. And while I wish I had my mom by my side, I believe she is with me still. As I reflect on losing mom and missing her, and taking time to remember that, at the very same time I focus on the word I chose for my year of 2021, FORWARD. And as I realize how much has gone on in one whole decade, I know how important it is to keep going forward, which is exactly what mom would want. In ten years, I've made many mistakes and I have learned from life's pain. But today I sit in a foreign country, hosting a workshop with women in poverty and abusive situations, following my passion in life of helping women in Spanish speaking countries find sustainability. It is a little strange to not go visit the cemetary or do my traditional things of remembering mom on this day, but I think she would also really love that I am following my dreams and that would be a celebration for her and thus I see it as a celebration of her. A tribute to all that she taught me through the years.  

I also find this an appropriate time to bring this particular blog site to a close. Life has changed dramatically in ten years. I have lived, loved, laughed, cried, hurt, experienced, learned and grown in enormous ways. Perhaps I will find another blog site for what the next decade of life will bring where I can share life lessons. Thank you all for journeying through this with me. It is  time to close this particular chapter and keep going forward.

Ten years ago I said good bye to my mom. The last moments with her still feel like yesterday in some ways and I can recall every detail of those moments. I miss her every day. But in ten years I have learned a multitude of lessons and carried her with me through them. And as I sit in Colombia today, I will carry her in my heart as I hope to help other women as much as she helped me, thus in an indirect way, carrying on her legacy.  And I will keep pressing forward.... one day at a time. 

I love you, mom. 

A piece of my heart

 I'm sitting here writing, looking at an empty spot on my couch. There is one less plate at the dinner table. And yesterday, I felt a piece of my heart walk away as I left my daughter at college. 

 This is parenting in its raw moments. You can read blogs and books and talk to parents who have walked through it, because for generations, parents have been leaving their children at college. However, none of those "prepare yourself" moments really ready you for the arrival of the goodbye. 

 But this is parenting. This is what we know will happen one day. We work hard through 18 years to teach, discipline, celebrate, love and encourage a child. And we hope and pray that as they take flight on their own, that they have the tools needed to learn, grow and succeed without being by their side. It is a very strange change in life. 

 I was thinking yesterday as I drove home from leaving her on campus about a variety of things which struck me.

- She didn't have a real graduation due to COVID-19. I think  not having that moment as a parent was sort of like skipping a milestone which made this time of leaving her at college a little more emotional. I feel like I missed an emotional step in the process of letting go and celebrating her successes and ability to move on. That may sound silly, but I am a processor and without the event to sit and process and think about all the little moments through birth to the time of high school graduation, I could mask the idea that this moment was really here. Rest assured, the moment is here. We unpacked our car, loaded her dorm room, shopped at Wal Mart a few times for little items forgotten and said our goodbyes. 

- In spite of the fact that COVID is seemingly halting much of the world activities, much of life is still going forward as "normal", just the new  normal. College didn't stop, growing up didn't slow down and change continues to remain a constant in life. In some ways, it's a kind reminder that we are still moving forward.  

- 2020 is a year of change. No one expected the strange occurrence of a global pandemic. While I knew my daughter would go off to college, I didn't know how that would really feel or what it would really look like. My job went from producing a large national event for 13,000 people to learning how to create a virtual event with a whole lot of new. Many other changes are happening, but this is how we grow.

 As I grow in my own moments through letting go of Elizabeth off to college and continue learning through the changes that the pandemic brings, I know that as a mom, this is her time to grow on her own as well. It doesn't change the fact that I'll always be her mom or that I will always help her or be there to answer her calls. It just is a new season where I can't physically hold her hand or show her how to do a task by her side. I could say to myself all of the "I wish I had...." moments or question if I prepared her enough, but I choose to focus on the fact that this is her time to shine. This is her time to spread her wings and fly. This is her time to take all she has learned and apply it and navigate her way through new decisions so she can grow and figure out her path. 

 To all the moms or parents who have walked through this, remind me that this is normal and it is good. And that I will be ok ;) and so will she. 

 To my younger friends who are moms and haven't reached this point yet, I say: embrace all the little moments along the way. You will feel frustrated at times, you will feel joy. Your heart will break at times, your heart will swell with pride. Set boundaries, make mistakes, but never stop taking in the moments with your child- the good, the bad, the sad, the funny and the changes. Parenting is not easy. And parenting is not a one way written manual. But parenting is beautiful and one day you will look back and be able to see how the years have helped you raise a child, but also how that child has shaped you. Please take it in. Write it down. Take pictures. And embrace the little moments. 

 Life is full of change. But change can be good. My little girl is off on her own, but she will always be my little girl. She will always be a piece of my heart, no matter where she is. 

Live Life Abundantly

 In the world of country music, I admit to really enjoying the music of Tim McGraw. He has a few songs especially that I like, and many that would fall into the popular category which, even if you do not listen to country music, you would probably have heard. 

 The lyrics of his popular song Live Like You Were Dying are ones which resonate strongly with me today. So they come to mind and cause me to pause.

 He was singing of a man who had learned bad news of medical health, and he asked the guy -"what did you do when you got the news"... the lyrics are as such:

 I went skydiving, I went Rocky Mountain Climbing, I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu. And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying... Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying. 

....I was the finally the husband that most of the time I wasn't, And I became a friend a friend would like to have....

 I am pondering this today because this afternoon I sat in the funeral of a friend from some years ago. He was 43 years old and one day he was fishing with his 2 teenage boys in Wyoming and the next day on a hike, he lost his life. 

 I have lost people close to me which shifted my world dramatically, but Josh's death had an impact on me in a new way that is hard to explain, and the only way I sometimes know how to work that out is to write it out. 

On one hand, I don't want to make Josh's death (or life) turn into a story about me. However, I think that any time we walk through moments such as these, it is necessary and important to evaluate life. I thought about my kids as I listened to his 14 year old daughter speak about how she'd give anything to tap her dad on the shoulder again and say "Dad... dad... " 

 I thought about all the variety of people in my life who I have every day encounters with and I wonder if my faith, my friendliness and/or my words would matter or make a difference to those people. 

 I thought about my friends in Colombia and Footprints with Hope and how I want to make impacts in that way, such as what was spoken about the things Josh did to impact certain ministries as well. 

 I thought about living life to the fullest. Every year I set out by choosing a word to define the year and how I want to live. The word isn't magical nor is it what I think about every day, but I have seen the effects of choosing such a word each year. Coincidentally (?) my word for this year is Live Abundantly. 

 Now, COVID-19 has made that more of a challenge than January 1 ever knew it would be. But when I think about life and sat in the presence of the story of a 43 year old, healthy man, I realize and think about how living abundantly is so very important.

 Love deeper. 

    Laugh more.

        Be vulnerable.

            Hug my kids.

    Be thankful.

        Take risks.

            Step out of my comfort zone.

Slow down (sometimes)

    Don't stop learning/growing.

        Take in the moment every single day.

            Cherish those around me, even if there are moments they drive me nuts, I can learn from those times, too. 

  When Tim McGraw says in his song "someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying." That chance is today, because we never know when we won't have a tomorrow. So I ask myself, what am I doing to live like I were dying, to love more, to laugh harder, to be present, to listen better, to live my faith deeper, to be a better version of me every day? 

 Death is hard. It is sad. I walked through a lot of these questions when mom died in 2011, and as I had a friend who lost a spouse this year, walked through them again to an extent. And today, celebrating the life of Josh, I think about them in a new way since he was only 43. If you're reading this, chances are you know me, because I am not a world-famous blogger with hundreds of followers. This is more of an open book to my ever-wandering mind through life experiences. You have likely played a part in my journey in some way, shape or form. Thank you for that. I am grateful for you. 

 To all my readers, I encourage you (as I preach to myself in this moment) to live like you were dying. I want to shine my light, be brighter and bolder. I want to love fiercely and wildly and unconditionally. I hope to leave an impact not so people will remember me, but so the world can be a better place and know more of God's love. I hope for my kids to have beautiful memories and silly stories to tell. I hope that I would be able to say I lived life abundantly. I am 38 years old as of recently, with a new year ahead of me. I don't want to look back and dwell in that, but I look forward instead, and embrace the idea that we get one life, one chance, one opportunity.  What will I do with mine? 

One day at a time. As if it were my last day. Because we truly never know when that will be. 

Mother's Day

Mother's Day.

 It is both painful and beautiful.

  It is a time to make memories as well as remember.

   It brings me a lot of tears and also laughter.

    It is a time I reflect on my mom and miss her fiercely but also celebrate being a mom myself.

I must write about my mom, but also about being a mom, because I am in a new season of motherhood recently. So, mother's day is a time to reflect.

 I have written so many words about my mom, but there always seem to be new memories which surface or new thoughts of her as I cross new moments of mothering myself. I often wonder "Is this  how my mom felt during the days of raising teenagers?" I wonder if my mom cried in frustration or out of sadness in the quiet moments, but only shined her smile with us. And then I feel sad that I can't call her and ask her. I wish I could sit across the table from her, play one more round of Dutch Blitz with her and laugh over coffee. I wish I could ask her advice or at the very least, cry to her through these days of navigating new phases of mothering. While I am certain she didn't have an experience such as COVID-19, I am certain that I was a very emotional teenager (who, me?? ....)  and thus, would love to hear her wise words and know that she would pray for me as a mom through this time as well as for my emotional graduating Senior daughter. But wishing for all those things does not change the circumstance and every time the emotions surface, I find new ways to navigate them. I look for ways to celebrate her and keep her memory going or I find new photos and smile at the memory captured by such a photo.

 As mom, I am over emotional lately. (Who, me?? ) Elizabeth is graduating. I cry with her as she grieves over a lost prom, missing last days of walking the halls, and possibly no graduation ceremony. Yesterday, we drove through the high school parking lot to pick up her cap and gown - a no-contact way for the school to deliver the goods. Yet as we drove through the parking lot to pick up these items, faithful teachers, complete with masks, rang bells and cheered for the Seniors picking up their items. So much emotion coursing trough my veins. Moments of motherhood flashing before my eyes as I held back the tears.
 Mothering is hard. It is so very worth it, but it is hard. Each phase is so different, each phase has made me a better person. Each phase I have had total moments of failure,  but complete moments of joy, too.
  As I feel the sadness of what she is experiencing right now, I also watch with joy as she searches for ways to bless others during this time. This girl, always looking out for the less fortunate. I smile as I watch her mount the horses and canter across the ring. I smile as she talks animatedly about her dreams of upcoming college years and dorm rooms. I embrace the moment, because every moment lasts but a breath.

 When I lost mom, I learned that. I recall sitting at mom's bedside, reading while she slept. And I paused thinking, "This could be my last day with mom." But in that moment I also learned maybe it would be, but that means I need to enjoy this moment. And so in that moment, I did what mom loved doing- I sang to her. And in that, while she could not talk, somehow she was still teaching me. In mom's absence, I find little notes she had written through the years or old photos once forgotten and I recall her laughter, her joy and her ever positive attitude.. and I hear her voice and feel her with me. She isn't here, but she kind of is honestly. Her lessons live on in me.

 My son is fun and teaches me and challenges me in ways different from Elizabeth. He's quiet, but strong. He doesn't talk a lot, but when he does, I close my books and put away my phone because I know he wants to really share. He has a string of sarcasm but a love for stupid jokes, like me. With him, I often laugh over nothing at all, which leaves the two of us at times breathless. We usually don't even know what started it. He's my coffee buddy, offering to make me a cup and sitting with me to drink one himself. He challenges me with his independence, but I so look forward to what he will one day do. And I am so glad we have 2 more years left, because letting go as they move on to the next phase is not easy. It is kind of heartbreaking.

 So, this mother's day, I think about my mom and I am sad she is missing these milestone moments with me. But I am thankful for the lessons she taught me so I can work to teach my daughter "adult" lessons as she transitions.
  I am embracing a new season as a mom.
   Mother's Day is to celebrate my mom and all she taught me to be... and to celebrate the joy my own children bring me.

 Motherhood is...
painful and it is beautiful.
   It is hard and it is joyful.
     It is full of laughter and tears.

 Happy Mother's Day, Mom! No longer here, but forever in my heart.
     And I am so blessed to have my own two beautiful kids. I will take my time to remember my mom... but then I will laugh and enjoy the ever fleeting moments I have with my kids today.

The Little Things

It has been a bit since I've posted a blog about "the little things" in life that make me smile.

 It is important, especially in times like these, to focus on those moments because the "big things" certainly can become overwhelming and consuming. Thus, as I sit in my chair on this very rainy Friday in Ohio, I reflect on my week and some of the little things that have made me smile...

~ Ending the semester with a  4.0 in what began as my most challenging semester (and ended the same) ever. Proof that the harder it can be, the more it can push  me to grow.

~ Spending a day doing beauty masks and making pancakes and painting with my daughter

~ Playing games with the kids and laughing over nothing.

~ Discovering an old photo of me and mom I love, thanks to my sister for digging through her library of photos to find the original.

~ Finding more grey hairs on my head :) And embracing it!

~ Good friends willing to collaborate with all my dreamy ideas for the foundation Footprints with Hope

~ TRX Straps! Thanks to a kind soul from a local gym who is lending them to me, I can get back to that workout after (far too much) time off from strength training.

~ Journals and gel pens. I love penning my thoughts in the old fashioned way. I want to remember these days of strange times and forced changes even if they are hard because they are pushing me to grow and I don't want to forget.

~ Coffee. Can I say coffee every time? I miss my coffee dates with friends so much. But I love holding the cup of joy in the morning hours or over a Zoom call or after dinner to wind down.

 It's the little moments which so easily can slip through the cracks of the days and the frustrations and I don't want to blink and miss them and wish I'd better embraced those things each day. Life is a journey, especially right now. The growth is hard but will be beautiful in time. I am thankful for the little things, one day at a time.

April Reflections

Sunday, April 26

 Dear "Diary": or in this case, "Dear World"
     It feels like day 4,356 of the COVID 19 Virus and I've yet to really write about it. In these 6 weeks of quarantine, I have been writing, but the thoughts have gone so deep at times, it's difficult to put the words out there for others and often times difficult to understand them myself.

    So, today I sit here to share. Likely a lengthy post, if you make it through it. But one hopefully worth the read. For me, a way to process, and always a time to understand deeper what I am learning.

    At the beginning of March I was in Colombia with the members of the board of Footprints with Hope. It was an incredible trip, and during that trip, we were discussing Corona Virus and our thoughts about it. However, little did we know the way it would change our lives upon our return. I still work to process my thoughts from that trip because as soon as we came home, life turned upside down. The truth is, much of what I learn in Colombia, now in some ways, people here are finally seeing and experiencing in our own back yard, even if in a different kind of way. When I am there, we don't live by our clocks so much. We see poverty. We experience a way which causes us to reflect on life so differently. Now, quarantined and the differences between social classes being so exposed here, we are also made to look at life differently.

  Looking at life differently comes with challenges, but also perhaps may be a healthy thing for all of us to do. So, what can I share about my time in quarantine these months... what am I learning, seeing, feeling and how am I growing?

  Well, both of my classes at the University switched from in person to online. This virus has forced everyone to change the way of doing daily activities and we've learned how possible we can make that be when necessary. It can be a good thing in some ways and open new doors of opportunity in the world of online learning. That came with challenges - especially being in a cooking class! However, we have navigated that. In some ways, it has felt like the world's longest semester, though. Today it completes and I am so happy for that. Interestingly enough, one class was a Human Rights class and I learned things that could make its own blog. Hardest class ever, but one of my most worthwhile. And being in quarantine, with so much time to think, it has been profoundly deeper of an impact, I believe. The virus has highlighted so desperately the needs of this world in new ways. Experiencing a pandemic that isn't just touching our community or maybe a community of a friend but the ENTIRE world! It is a time to connect globally in ways our world has not done for many years. I have always had a passion for other cultures and the world as a whole, and I feel this situation is shedding light and producing a new understanding. There can be beauty found in this. Simultaneously my heart is breaking for those I want to help so badly but don't know how.

  My daughter is missing out on the end of her Senior Year. She  has struggled with this in certain aspects, but handles it like a champ in others. We have no idea when her graduation will be, with 3 back up dates they have created. We can't really plan her graduation party very well. She's missing prom and senior walk and making those memories with her friends in the halls and classrooms in their last year together. For a 17 year old, it is a milestone. It certainly has become one she will never forget. For a 17 year old, the future is uncertain anyway, and right now even more so. As a mom, we've waited years for this time for her, so it is a little sad for me, too. However, do you want to know the beauty of it? At the beginning of her senior year, I was longing for more time with her. Just a few more shared moments in lieu of looking at her leaving. And the pandemic has given me that. We've done beauty masks and puzzles and watched shows and talked about the future and politics and dreams and hurts. These are days which will never be given back. I cherish them with her.

  Work has had its challenges. So many challenges. I have been stretched in new ways, but also it has given me time to think about the work environment and goals and dreams I want to achieve there. We also have learned  how to work remotely, which is a positive. Not being together consistently has pushed me to learn to communicate in a different way, at times harder, but healthy. We face the possibility of our event not even taking place- the thing we work day to day for year in and out. That comes with heartache too, thinking over that. Yet I think it also brings perspective. What we do on a daily basis (to make a living) does make an impact and a difference, but it puts into perspective priorities too.

 Let's get real here... I wrestle with anxiety and depression and if I am being super honest with you, during these weeks it has been awful. I have had to force myself out of bed at times. I have made myself reach out to people in moments I am feeling the worst struggles. I'm trapped with my thoughts, which can spiral me in a dark direction sometimes. I run outdoors more than ever right now, which helps me more than words can explain, but doesn't take the struggle away. I've learned how to fight it, but I face it more than ever during this time. I am not afraid of the virus. I am not scared of the illness. I am heartbroken for the lost and the poor. I also have zero control over the situation. Faced with thoughts and emotions I can often bury in the midst of work or helping others (without realizing I am doing that) during these weeks I've had no choice but to process those often suppressed emotions. I want to understand them, but they are painful to process. Facing them is hard, to say the least. I am a people person, I get my energy from others and helping others and so, while there are ways to do that through this, the reality of facing the darker emotions are highlighted. I'm just being real.

 However, through these days, I have determined that I want to grow and learn and use this time which will never be given back. I made a list of home projects, but that hasn't happened. But is that really the important task right now? For me, probably not.
  There is progress being made on administrative things for Footprints with Hope foundation, and that is a positive. We have to pass through a quiet season right now, so this is a good time to accomplish behind the scenes tasks.
       I have been doing more writing, even if just for myself.
  I have been running more again, which is purely for me. Not for a race nor for being with others, but to fight my mental struggles and to purely enjoy who I am. My running times are my peaceful moments, my time to process and to be "free". I have really enjoyed being able to do more distance again.
         I have been savoring moments with the kids through this time. That matters more to me than any house project ever could.
   I've been praying a lot. Having time with my creator. He says "Be Still and Know that I am God."  He asks us to be still. I don't do it well. In this time, it is forcing me into a stillness of sorts that I've never done. And it's driving me deeper in love with Him. Yes, I struggle with the emotional realities of depression and anxiety. But do you know who is in the depths of that with me? Jesus. And thus, I grow closer to Him even when it is a time of upheaval. I love that. He really has pushed me to stand still.
      Connecting virtually. We live in a technology driven world that can serve as a distraction. However, during these times, I have found a lot of joy through it. Church is online, which i desperately miss in person, but I am thankful for it nonetheless. I also can join in with my Colombian friends every Sunday, which I am loving. They are virtually meeting every Sunday, a newer thing for them to do, and I love it. All the pastors get together over the 30 some churches and I love joining them in their services.
     Also, not totally on purpose, but I have reconnected with childhood friends. I had such a fun childhood, full of good memories and laughter. It has been fun to remember things and reconnect.

 There is always good to be found in the challenges. My ever wise daughter, an essential worker right now in the grocery store, along with my son, who also works there, shared a statement with me yesterday. She said " Mom, this customer was telling me how awful this virus has been for her and how she has it so bad. But mom, we all have our own struggles we are facing through this time. Everyone has to face something through this that is hard. I feel for her, but we all are struggling."
     She is right. I have a bucket of blessings in the midst of this, with a job and health and provisions. I face my own struggles. But so does every person going through this. This is a time for us to pause and learn.
   What can I do differently when this time ends? How will life change because of these weeks of quarantine and stillness? How can I take these lessons that feel overwhelming at times and produce a better version of me? And with that better version of me, how can I impact those around me so that life, looking differently when this passes, can be a good kind of different?

 I could go on about this. These are thoughts partially produced through these events for me. Deep. Often very deep, which makes it hard to put it to "paper" to sort them out.  april has been a very long month. But I know that darker times, hard circumstances, always produce growth. You cannot see the seed in the soil as it grows and blooms, but once the crop breaks ground, you watch it become a plant and a product which makes a difference. That is where we are... seeds in the ground, and soon we will see the beauty of the product if we are patient and willing.

   John 10:10 "The thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."
      I close with a song that has come across my path through this time so that I don't forget this is part of what I am learning and want to embrace...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKpEytickx4
         

Chasing my shadow

The wind whips around my skin. The sun is kissing the sky in a beautiful way. The deer are enjoying running through the woods. My shadow stretches across the ground in front of me. And I breathe in deeply the enjoyment of being outdoors running.

 In the midst of these times, I have to find the positives. I am an extrovert and I love being around people, so this time of being at home with family can have benefits in savoring the hours with the kids nearly grown, but also can provide challenges in my anxiety with lack of conversations over cups of coffee and sweet embraces. Running is a time of peace for me in the midst of these strange, ever-changing days.

 Over the last 10 years, I have really enjoyed running. Each season of those 10 years has held different reasons for the running being significant. I have come to learn much about myself through the process, developed a sense of confidence I didn't know existed within me; found a career and worked my way up the ladder through that; fought anxiety and depression with the weapon of mind over matter and getting out to run; made some great friends; crossed a few finish lines; and most of all, have become a better version of me.

 The challenge for me over the last year is that between schooling, work, family and mission work, while I have still exercised, it's been more of a robotic act than one of pure enjoyment. These days are allowing me to find that enjoyment again.

 I've never been a fast runner. Running is work for me. But the sense I feel when I am out there doing it is is one that cannot come from a spin class nor a weight training session. However, in regards to my running, I am going to be honest here. Over the last year, I've let several comments affect my desire to get out and run, let alone blog about it as much. But, I'm over that, so I'm going to share.

 I've heard things (when discussing my run time) "Oh, I pace the slow people!"  or comments like "I can't wait to have another runner around"  or "That's it? You only did 2 miles?" or "What was your time" to which I would be embarrassed to answer.
  I'm paraphrasing, but I've also been told that perception is reality and those words and more said have affected my mindset of pushing through the challenges to do something I love simply for the sake of doing it. Yes, I have had extra activities affecting my ability to get out, but words play a huge role in my mindset and I let those take over for a time.

 However, in these days, I am returning to my roots. I am starting over again, essentially. I haven't lost my knowledge in how to run or what to do to improve. I may have lost my motivation for a time, though, in discouragement or in the business of daily life. Today I write to share for anyone out there doubting their ability : DON'T. I'm using this time of the world slowing down to rediscover that part of me. In those moments I think clearer. I feel the presence of the Creator. I find my confidence again. I remember why I began to fall in love with this sport in the first place. So, today I write to encourage those of you who may feel  you "can't" or that you are not a runner. It isn't about your speed. It's about your heart. So....

 Let the breeze tickle your skin, don't care about the speed.
    Watch the sun kiss the sky and slow down to take a picture of it.
Chase your shadow with the flag whipping in the wind behind you.
  Pause to stare back at the deer looking at you.
     Push through the "I don't like hills" and feel the burn in your legs bring you to life.
 Add an extra mile, even if it is at a walk pace.
    And most of all, as you run, let the words roll off your back into the wind and just allow yourself to be free and to be you.

 That is what running does for me. I am enjoying the daylight hours of running, certain that contributes to the joy of it for me. (As opposed to the 530 am dark and chilly wintery days). As much of an extrovert as I am, this space of running by myself is a savored moment I have severely missed . In times when it can be hard to find the positives, in times that my anxiety honestly has a tendency to be heightened, these are the moments that bring me into who I am, the moments that I am thankful for in the midst of these strange days of unknown- the quiet moments in dawn hours of running. And so, I will savor this. And whenever normal becomes back to normal, I hope to hang onto these lessons I am learning, one day at a time. Because when I run, it isn't just about being out running more miles again, it is about learning about my Creator, it is about learning my own self and pushing through the mind blocks that can come with the daily grind of life. And thus, I will chase my shadow in the early morning hours.... one day at  time...